Why saying “No” feels so hard: The struggle of high performing, highly sensitive women
The Burden of Expectations: Why High-Performing Women Struggle to Say 'No'
When you grow up in a collectivist culture- especially if you are either the oldest child or the oldest daughter, the responsibilities on your shoulder are intense. You are expected to take care of your siblings, take care of your parents, and also look out for extended family members like aunts, uncles and cousins.
Every move you make feels like it is being monitored by the aunties and elders. Everything you do also reflects upon your parents and family. You do everything in your power not to tarnish the family name. You are typically expected to say “How high?” when asked to jump. You are not to complain, and your needs take a backseat to the needs of the collective.
While collectivistic living isn’t all bad, after all you have an entire family who loves you, who spend time with you and who will come running when things go bad, it does feel stifling at times.
Because you are expected to be a good daughter all the time, you naturally will feel bad when you decide not to follow through with the expectations of others. You naturally do want to please your family, friends and community. You don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb or have the rumor mill churning because of you. But you have your own dreams and aspirations and you are unsure of how you can balance them with the needs of your family- without being offensive or rude.
So when you attempt to even set a boundary, you will get push back from everyone around you. Because the expectation is service without complaints.
High Sensitivity and High Achievement: A Double-Edged Sword
When you are highly sensitive, you are a deep thinker AND a deep feeler. When you have a conversation with someone, you are 10 steps ahead. You’re wondering, “How will my behavior affect them?,” “What will they think of me?” While also being her aware about the nuances in their facial expressions, the itchiness of the tag on your shirt, the growl in your tummy and the weird heat in the room.
By the way, no one else is thinking this deeply all the time. It’s just you.
Because you are so aware about how things affect others, you are sensitive about not wanting to hurt others. You feel like you will hurt their feelings if you say “No.” And because you are such a capable, high achieving woman, you tend to think that they will crumble if you don’t help them. When people come to you with their pain, you can sense how strongly and how deep they feel their pain. It hurts you too, and so rather than allowing them to go through their process of healing or problem solving, you jump in every single time.
You then get the reputation as official fixer of all people. This makes you tired, frustrated and a bit resentful that they don’t care about your needs. They are putting their needs above yours.
Understanding the Fear of Disappointment: The Emotional Toll of Saying 'Yes' Too Often
You are so aware of how disappointment affects others that you try hard to never let others down. You hate to see people feel sad or mad. Even when you know you don’t have the time or bandwidth to help others, you jump in to fix their problems anyway. You’ve done this for so long that they almost expect you to put your needs last.
And because you have done it for so long, it feels awkward for you to set a boundary now. But every night, you go to bed exhausted and annoyed that no one checks up on you any longer. They simply call you when they need something and they rarely say thank you any longer- after all your official title is now “Fixer.”
But a small part of you actually enjoys helping others. You are kind and empathetic. You love to see them move from dismay to joy and peace. You also feel validated when people say “You’re so great at helping people.” “What would I have done without you?” “How on earth do you juggle so much?” It strokes your ego a bit.
So you are in a tight spot. On the one hand you enjoy being a helper, but on the other hand, you just want the space to be able to actually take care of yourself.
Strategies for Empowerment: How to Say 'No' Without Guilt or Regret
If the above describes you, let’s talk about how you can maintain your empathy without being run over by others. It is important that you are able to say “No” without thinking you’re a bad person all day.
When someone asks you for help, ask yourself these questions. The answer will tell you what boundary to set.
1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?
2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?
3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?
4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?
5) Does this person value me? Will they be there to help me if I needed it?
6) Am I putting my own needs on the backburner right now?
And when you’ve decided you want to say “No,” here are some phrases you can use without actually saying “No.”
1) “I’m not available at this time.'“
2) “That does not work for me.”
3) “I would rather not.”
4) “Let’s pick a later time.”
5) “There is no room on my schedule for that.”
If the person you are setting boundaries with actually respects you and wants to see you thrive, they will be understanding of you. However, if they do not have respect for you, they will definitely push back.
Finding Your Voice: Why Working with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help
If you have gone all your life and have struggled with saying “No,” or if the people around you just do not respect your boundaries, it might be time to have a therapist guide you. As a Black trauma therapist in Houston, I have helped so many women learn how to set clear, kind boundaries with their strong willed relatives and friends.
I get it. You do not want to be rude or burn bridges. I totally get it. Do you know that it is possible to actually set healthy boundaries that allow you to be compassionate with yourself and others? You can put your needs out front, ask for what you want and not be so worried about what others will think about you.
Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with me- a Black Therapist in Houston Today!
It's time to break free from the fear of saying 'no' and embrace your true needs. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me now to start your journey with a trauma therapist who understands your struggles and is here to help you thrive!
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: