Why saying “No” feels so hard: The struggle of high performing, highly sensitive women

The Burden of Expectations: Why High-Performing Women Struggle to Say 'No'

When you grow up in a collectivist culture- especially if you are either the oldest child or the oldest daughter, the responsibilities on your shoulder are intense. You are expected to take care of your siblings, take care of your parents, and also look out for extended family members like aunts, uncles and cousins.

Every move you make feels like it is being monitored by the aunties and elders. Everything you do also reflects upon your parents and family. You do everything in your power not to tarnish the family name. You are typically expected to say “How high?” when asked to jump. You are not to complain, and your needs take a backseat to the needs of the collective.

While collectivistic living isn’t all bad, after all you have an entire family who loves you, who spend time with you and who will come running when things go bad, it does feel stifling at times.

Because you are expected to be a good daughter all the time, you naturally will feel bad when you decide not to follow through with the expectations of others. You naturally do want to please your family, friends and community. You don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb or have the rumor mill churning because of you. But you have your own dreams and aspirations and you are unsure of how you can balance them with the needs of your family- without being offensive or rude.

So when you attempt to even set a boundary, you will get push back from everyone around you. Because the expectation is service without complaints.

High Sensitivity and High Achievement: A Double-Edged Sword

When you are highly sensitive, you are a deep thinker AND a deep feeler. When you have a conversation with someone, you are 10 steps ahead. You’re wondering, “How will my behavior affect them?,” “What will they think of me?” While also being her aware about the nuances in their facial expressions, the itchiness of the tag on your shirt, the growl in your tummy and the weird heat in the room.

By the way, no one else is thinking this deeply all the time. It’s just you.

Because you are so aware about how things affect others, you are sensitive about not wanting to hurt others. You feel like you will hurt their feelings if you say “No.” And because you are such a capable, high achieving woman, you tend to think that they will crumble if you don’t help them. When people come to you with their pain, you can sense how strongly and how deep they feel their pain. It hurts you too, and so rather than allowing them to go through their process of healing or problem solving, you jump in every single time.

You then get the reputation as official fixer of all people. This makes you tired, frustrated and a bit resentful that they don’t care about your needs. They are putting their needs above yours.

Understanding the Fear of Disappointment: The Emotional Toll of Saying 'Yes' Too Often

You are so aware of how disappointment affects others that you try hard to never let others down. You hate to see people feel sad or mad. Even when you know you don’t have the time or bandwidth to help others, you jump in to fix their problems anyway. You’ve done this for so long that they almost expect you to put your needs last.

And because you have done it for so long, it feels awkward for you to set a boundary now. But every night, you go to bed exhausted and annoyed that no one checks up on you any longer. They simply call you when they need something and they rarely say thank you any longer- after all your official title is now “Fixer.”

But a small part of you actually enjoys helping others. You are kind and empathetic. You love to see them move from dismay to joy and peace. You also feel validated when people say “You’re so great at helping people.” “What would I have done without you?” “How on earth do you juggle so much?” It strokes your ego a bit.

So you are in a tight spot. On the one hand you enjoy being a helper, but on the other hand, you just want the space to be able to actually take care of yourself.

Strategies for Empowerment: How to Say 'No' Without Guilt or Regret

If the above describes you, let’s talk about how you can maintain your empathy without being run over by others. It is important that you are able to say “No” without thinking you’re a bad person all day.

When someone asks you for help, ask yourself these questions. The answer will tell you what boundary to set.

1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?

2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?

3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?

4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?

5) Does this person value me? Will they be there to help me if I needed it?

6) Am I putting my own needs on the backburner right now?

And when you’ve decided you want to say “No,” here are some phrases you can use without actually saying “No.”

1) “I’m not available at this time.'“

2) “That does not work for me.”

3) “I would rather not.”

4) “Let’s pick a later time.”

5) “There is no room on my schedule for that.”

If the person you are setting boundaries with actually respects you and wants to see you thrive, they will be understanding of you. However, if they do not have respect for you, they will definitely push back.

Finding Your Voice: Why Working with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help

If you have gone all your life and have struggled with saying “No,” or if the people around you just do not respect your boundaries, it might be time to have a therapist guide you. As a Black trauma therapist in Houston, I have helped so many women learn how to set clear, kind boundaries with their strong willed relatives and friends.

I get it. You do not want to be rude or burn bridges. I totally get it. Do you know that it is possible to actually set healthy boundaries that allow you to be compassionate with yourself and others? You can put your needs out front, ask for what you want and not be so worried about what others will think about you.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with me- a Black Therapist in Houston Today!

It's time to break free from the fear of saying 'no' and embrace your true needs. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me now to start your journey with a trauma therapist who understands your struggles and is here to help you thrive!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

People pleasing vs personal power: How highly sensitive women can set loving boundaries

Understanding People-Pleasing: The Hidden Cost for Highly Sensitive Women

Most highly sensitive women that I know are well loved by the people around them. Why? Because of their warmth and empathy. Because highly sensitive women are such deep thinkers and feelers, they are really great at shouldering the problems of others, lending a hand and solving problems.

When a highly sensitive woman comes in contact with a person in need, she can almost feel the person’s pain. But what they are actually feeling is deep empathy. Because of the empathy, they sometimes will jump in to rescue the person from pain or perceived danger. The more people notice that you are great at helping them with their problems, solving struggles and listening, the more they come to you. Now the problem with that is that it could quickly lead to emotional exhaustion.

Many HSPs spend so much time taking care of the needs of others, that they do not have time for themselves. Imagine spending all day absorbing the emotions of others and brainstorming how to help. There is zero time to recharge and reflect- which is essential to the wellbeing of HSPs. Because they do not want to be perceived as mean or selfish, they often keep silent while others walk all over them. This could lead to resentment, sadness and even a strain in your personal relationships.

The Power of "No": Why Setting Boundaries is Essential for Your Well-Being

To get rid of resentment, it is important that you learn how to set clear boundaries and say “No.” You do not have to help everyone every time just because you can. Whenever you jump in to solve a problem that could have been solved by the other person, you actually rob them of the opportunity to problem solve and strategize.

When a person is spending majority of their energy on others, without paying enough attention to themselves, it takes a huge toll. Take a step back. Ask yourself where boundaries need to be set. Who are the people in your life that are using up too much of your bandwidth? In what areas do you need to stand up for yourself or reset those boundaries?

At first when you say “No,” people around you might be shocked, but if you hang in there, they will eventually understand that this is your new way of living. The thing about boundaries is that it is your job to enforce them, or no one will take you seriously.

Balancing Empathy and Assertiveness: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women

When setting boundaries, it is important to remember that your needs matter too. Setting boundaries does not mean that you have to put your empathetic side away. It means that you can juggle both. Assertiveness means that your needs matter just as much as the needs of others.

When you are called upon to solve a problem, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?

2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?

3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?

4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?

Take time to reflect on the above and make a sound decision after this. Remember that saying “No” when you are asked for help, does not make you a mean person. It actually helps people respect you better. It sends the message that even though you are capable of solving their problem, your time and energy are also important. They cannot just barge in whenever they want, with the expectation that you will drop everything and serve them. This is not being mean. It is respecting yourself and others.

Real Stories, Real Change: How Women Like You Have Overcome People-Pleasing

Still wondering how on earth you can become a high performing highly sensitive woman who can keep your empathy and still jump in to help people? Let me walk you through an anecdotal story (Don’t worry, this is not an example from a real client. I protect their privacy at all costs!)

Jane is a highly sensitive woman who is great at everything she does. She always got amazing grades in school, followed all the rules, and she has steadily worked hard to accomplish most of her goals. She is the eldest daughter of a large family, and because of this, she has always been the second mom to her siblings. While this has helped her become super responsible, she is tired. Tired of shouldering the family’s burdens. Tired of being the one called upon to help with finances. Tired of being the one who takes care of everyone’s needs. Tired of being the one who organizes everything. Whenever something important comes up, everyone seems to take a back seat and expects her to step it up.

Jane realized one day that even though she loves her family of origin and wants to fulfill her duty as the eldest, she was exhausted, resentful and beginning to ignore calls and texts from family members. She felt trapped. Something needed to change.

Jane started delegating when it was time to get stuff done within the family. She also started telling them when she would be unavailable to answer phone calls. She set up a discretionary fund each month in case of family emergencies. Once that money was gone, she didn’t give any more. She started focusing on what she had the bandwidth to do. She stuck with her boundaries. At first, her family was exasperated. They tried to guilt her into taking all the responsibilities that she was trying to leave behind. But she stood her ground. She let them know that she is stressed out, on the verge of depression, she cries sometimes and the responsibility is too much for her to bear.

Over time, her family grudgingly started respecting her boundaries. They stopped being offended when she ignored calls sometimes. They started pitching in when Jane asked for help. They eventually became a cohesive family unit. Jane’s resentment left, she was much happier and she had more time to spend on the things she actually loved.

As you can see, boundary setting is not easy, You will experience push back form your family and loved ones, but the only way to release yourself from the burden is to actually consistently set boundaries.

Seeking Support: How a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help You Thrive

I see clients like Jane all the time. Clients who are from beautiful collectivist cultures in which the collective wants to act like disjointed individuals. They love their families, but they don’t want them to think they are being mean when they say “No.” My job is not to change your culture or help you run away from your family and loved ones. My job is to help you decide what you have the bandwidth for, how you want to actually maneuver the situation and empower you to say what’s on your mind.

At first it will be difficult, but the more you practice boundary setting, the more you get used to it. It eventually will become your default and the people around you will adjust to suit your new pace. A skilled Black therapist in Houston can help you create a culturally appropriate boundary setting plan.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Today!

Break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and start setting loving boundaries. Reach out to me- a Black therapist - to begin your journey toward personal empowerment and healthier relationships! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

What to do when people call you “Weird.”

One of the biggest struggles that highly sensitive people experience is that their emotions are constantly being invalidated by loved ones and close relatives. It appears that they are misunderstood at every turn. When you're highly sensitive, it is very difficult to actually show up as your true self – especially if that true self is seen as unacceptable or strange to the people around you.

So highly sensitive people often learn how to mask who they are. They are one person when they are alone, and when they leave their houses and show up in public spaces, they become someone else. Now because high sensitivity comes with deep emotional processing, the process of noticing subtle details in the world, while trying to regulate your emotions, while trying to hide said emotions, can lead to a heap of overwhelm.

And sometimes, it starts at a young age. The kids in the school yard notice that you are a little bit different. Or maybe because you have such a keen sense of observation, you notice that you are different than the people around you. Then someone says something to you. The word ‘Weird’ is thrown around. You then go on a journey to prove to others that you are not indeed weird.

You study the world around you so that you can ‘Adapt’ and ‘Assimilate.’ It seems to work, but as you get older, there is an incongruence. Your heart wants you to be one way, while your head tells you to be someone different. You learn how to excuse yourself before tears stream down your face. Because you know crying in public is forbidden. You learn to ignore rude comments that people make about your sensitivity. But it takes a toll.

Do you know that your life does not have to be that way? It’s possible to enjoy your sensitivity and stand up for yourself when people talk down to you.

Here are some suggestions:

1) Reframe what ‘weird’ means

People tend to be afraid of what they do not understand. And when they are not afraid of what they do not understand, they tend to dismiss what they do not understand.

Remember that highly sensitive people only make up about 20 to 30% of the population, so the other 70 to 80% of the population probably have no idea why you react the way that you do. They have no idea how deep your feelings are and how strong your empathy is. Whenever somebody calls you weird, remind yourself that you are not indeed weird, you are just unique- an outlier. Outliers are misunderstood.

2) Sit with your feelings

Even if you have spent most of your life being ignored on invalidated, it is important to start to validate your own feelings. It is OK to allow yourself to be sad or angry or frustrated. Many highly sensitive people have had to push down their feelings to make other people more comfortable. But it is time to allow yourself to begin to feel a myriad of feelings aside from just joy.

3) Stand up for yourself

A big part of healing as a highly sensitive adult is learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. And when I say stand up for yourself, I do not mean being rude or yelling at other people. They are great ways to set boundaries without actually raising your voice or going out of your natural character. For example, if somebody calls you "weird." It is perfectly OK for you to say "I find that statement insulting.” Even if they do not apologize or feel remorse for hurting your feelings, it is still important to stand up for yourself.

There you have it. Three ways to begin to address others when they call you weird. If you're a highly sensitive woman who is tired of putting your needs on the back burner and you're ready to learn more about your sensitivity, get rid of overwhelm and finally learn how to stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call with me.

I’m a Black therapist in Houston who helps women like you finally learn how to get your needs met without compromising who you are.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.