Why saying “No” feels so hard: The struggle of high performing, highly sensitive women

The Burden of Expectations: Why High-Performing Women Struggle to Say 'No'

When you grow up in a collectivist culture- especially if you are either the oldest child or the oldest daughter, the responsibilities on your shoulder are intense. You are expected to take care of your siblings, take care of your parents, and also look out for extended family members like aunts, uncles and cousins.

Every move you make feels like it is being monitored by the aunties and elders. Everything you do also reflects upon your parents and family. You do everything in your power not to tarnish the family name. You are typically expected to say “How high?” when asked to jump. You are not to complain, and your needs take a backseat to the needs of the collective.

While collectivistic living isn’t all bad, after all you have an entire family who loves you, who spend time with you and who will come running when things go bad, it does feel stifling at times.

Because you are expected to be a good daughter all the time, you naturally will feel bad when you decide not to follow through with the expectations of others. You naturally do want to please your family, friends and community. You don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb or have the rumor mill churning because of you. But you have your own dreams and aspirations and you are unsure of how you can balance them with the needs of your family- without being offensive or rude.

So when you attempt to even set a boundary, you will get push back from everyone around you. Because the expectation is service without complaints.

High Sensitivity and High Achievement: A Double-Edged Sword

When you are highly sensitive, you are a deep thinker AND a deep feeler. When you have a conversation with someone, you are 10 steps ahead. You’re wondering, “How will my behavior affect them?,” “What will they think of me?” While also being her aware about the nuances in their facial expressions, the itchiness of the tag on your shirt, the growl in your tummy and the weird heat in the room.

By the way, no one else is thinking this deeply all the time. It’s just you.

Because you are so aware about how things affect others, you are sensitive about not wanting to hurt others. You feel like you will hurt their feelings if you say “No.” And because you are such a capable, high achieving woman, you tend to think that they will crumble if you don’t help them. When people come to you with their pain, you can sense how strongly and how deep they feel their pain. It hurts you too, and so rather than allowing them to go through their process of healing or problem solving, you jump in every single time.

You then get the reputation as official fixer of all people. This makes you tired, frustrated and a bit resentful that they don’t care about your needs. They are putting their needs above yours.

Understanding the Fear of Disappointment: The Emotional Toll of Saying 'Yes' Too Often

You are so aware of how disappointment affects others that you try hard to never let others down. You hate to see people feel sad or mad. Even when you know you don’t have the time or bandwidth to help others, you jump in to fix their problems anyway. You’ve done this for so long that they almost expect you to put your needs last.

And because you have done it for so long, it feels awkward for you to set a boundary now. But every night, you go to bed exhausted and annoyed that no one checks up on you any longer. They simply call you when they need something and they rarely say thank you any longer- after all your official title is now “Fixer.”

But a small part of you actually enjoys helping others. You are kind and empathetic. You love to see them move from dismay to joy and peace. You also feel validated when people say “You’re so great at helping people.” “What would I have done without you?” “How on earth do you juggle so much?” It strokes your ego a bit.

So you are in a tight spot. On the one hand you enjoy being a helper, but on the other hand, you just want the space to be able to actually take care of yourself.

Strategies for Empowerment: How to Say 'No' Without Guilt or Regret

If the above describes you, let’s talk about how you can maintain your empathy without being run over by others. It is important that you are able to say “No” without thinking you’re a bad person all day.

When someone asks you for help, ask yourself these questions. The answer will tell you what boundary to set.

1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?

2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?

3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?

4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?

5) Does this person value me? Will they be there to help me if I needed it?

6) Am I putting my own needs on the backburner right now?

And when you’ve decided you want to say “No,” here are some phrases you can use without actually saying “No.”

1) “I’m not available at this time.'“

2) “That does not work for me.”

3) “I would rather not.”

4) “Let’s pick a later time.”

5) “There is no room on my schedule for that.”

If the person you are setting boundaries with actually respects you and wants to see you thrive, they will be understanding of you. However, if they do not have respect for you, they will definitely push back.

Finding Your Voice: Why Working with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help

If you have gone all your life and have struggled with saying “No,” or if the people around you just do not respect your boundaries, it might be time to have a therapist guide you. As a Black trauma therapist in Houston, I have helped so many women learn how to set clear, kind boundaries with their strong willed relatives and friends.

I get it. You do not want to be rude or burn bridges. I totally get it. Do you know that it is possible to actually set healthy boundaries that allow you to be compassionate with yourself and others? You can put your needs out front, ask for what you want and not be so worried about what others will think about you.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with me- a Black Therapist in Houston Today!

It's time to break free from the fear of saying 'no' and embrace your true needs. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me now to start your journey with a trauma therapist who understands your struggles and is here to help you thrive!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

4 Sneaky ways in which trauma affects your life (And how to kick it in the butt)

Trauma.

1 huge horrific word.

It’s the boogie man in the closet that you do not speak of for fear that it will eat you up. It’s the thing that has you in a chokehold so you feel like you can’t breathe.

You think you can ignore those horrible things that happened to you and around you, but little do you know that trauma is indeed affecting you.

Here are 4 sneaky ways that trauma affects your life.

1) You avoid CERTAIN situations, people, places and things

When you go through a traumatic event, you get the idea that anything to do with that event is a red flag. For example, if you were involved in a car accident, every time you go to that specific street, or you see a reminder of the event, you might feel your chest tighten or your palms get sweaty.

At first it seems unproblematic, but over time it begins to get in the way. To use the car crash example, it might stop you from driving altogether. And then you have to start asking for rides, using rideshare programs or walking everywhere (which we know is rough in the Houston summers).

Or maybe you went through a traumatic experience due to being attacked. Every time you see someone who resembles or sounds like the assailant, you might freeze or feel the need to run or fight.

It makes complete sense. Your body is just really trying to protect you.

2) You see danger everywhere you go

Trauma really has you protecting yourself- even when there is no need to actually protect yourself. You might have walked through the world feeling excited and carefree, but trauma changes that.

Suddenly you find yourself feeling closed off in new friendships. Everyone becomes a suspect. You learn how to build a solid wall, but you don’t know how to knock the wall down when you need to have loved ones peek through.

You become a much more hardened version of who you used to be.

And sometimes you see physical danger when you go around. You think so much more about protecting your body and your personal space. It’s exhausting.

3) It haunts your dreams. Literally

Sometimes trauma continues to nag at you- even in your dreams. You spend the entire day feeling happy, and then you shut your eyes, only for trauma to start bothering you.

You might see yourself running away from something or someone. Or you might find yourself revisiting what happened over and over again.

4) You become super defensive or aggressive

Trauma at first makes you feel weak, taken advantage of and small. And so to compensate for this lack, you might become aggressive. Or you might assume people are trying to hurt you, so you defend yourself. Your walls are up, and you might start to get snappy at people. The idea might be, “I don’t need anyone. Let me hurt them before they hurt me.”

Now this keeps you protected, but it also prevents intimacy and closeness.

The good thing is that trauma does not have to ruin your life.

How to kick trauma in the butt

• The first step to kicking trauma’s butt is to take a look inward to see if you are indeed ready to do the work. Trauma therapy isn’t for the faint of heart.

• If you realize that you are ready to work through your trauma, find yourself a great trauma therapist in Houston. One whose style matches your personality and your goals.

• Figure out what style of therapy you want. There is basically talk therapy and non talk therapy. Talk therapy will have you doing a play by play of the trauma and talking through it. But my favorite is- brainspotting trauma therapy . This is a non traditional style of therapy in which we utilize your eye movements to help you access the deeper layers of your brain where trauma and big emotions live. Once we successfully do that, your body takes care of the rest. Brainspotting is basically the cousin on EMDR.

Neve heard of brainspotting trauma therapy in Houston? Watch my videos below.

What exactly is brainspoting?

How does brainspotting work?

If you are ready to stop letting trauma control your life, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for brainspotting trauma therapy in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.