Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage

Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.

Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.

If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad.

How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive

During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.

When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.

1. Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.

2. Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.

3. Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.

4. Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.

   Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Sensitive Women

   Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:

   • No name calling

   • No cussing

   • No yelling

   • No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.

     You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.

   • Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.

     One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.

     Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.

     Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples

   Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.

   When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.

   During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.

   After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?

   How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations

   As a Christian marriage counselor, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.

Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How Highly Sensitive People Can Set Clear Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty.

Why Saying ‘No’ Feels So Hard: The Struggle of High-Performing, Highly Sensitive Women

When you are a high achieving, highly sensitive woman, it is very difficult to say ‘no’ in your personal relationships. Sometimes you know that your energy is completely spent, but you feel extremely guilty just at the thought of saying no.

Because of your deep level of overthinking as well as the deep amounts of empathy that you possess, you feel like you owe people your efforts and energy because you are so good at helping people. “If I can help them, what’s the harm in doing so? Why should I turn them away?”

And so when you have times when you have to walk away from the needs of others, you feel very guilty. You might even find yourself helping others while putting your own needs on the back burner. The problem with this is that you become the go to person or the super woman who people think can always figure things out- which can cause you to feel internally frustrated.

Another problem is that sometimes you say ‘yes’ to their requests, but you secretly resent your loved ones because in your mind you my think, “She knew I was tired and that I am completely spent, so why is she still asking for my help?”

There's constantly this push and pull between wanting to help and needing to protect your own energy. This is especially true for highly sensitive women who do not have a whole lot of bandwidth. What do I mean by this? This means that when you juggle a whole lot of tasks and responsibilities, by the end of the day you feel completely overstimulated, tired, frustrated and maybe even unable to focus on sleep. This means that the difficulty in saying ‘no’ is actually costing you your emotional health.

Brainspotting for Boundary Setting: How Therapy Can Help You Find Your Inner ‘No’

One of my favorite things to do in my trauma therapy practice in Houston, is to help highly sensitive and deeply emotionally attuned women finally find their inner ‘no.’ It is possible for you to set clear boundaries and still have a good balance between taking care of your own emotional needs, while supporting your loved ones. You see, when your loved ones know that you have solid, healthy boundaries, after a while they will have no choice but to adjust to you.

It shifts you from the role of enabler to the role of chief supporter of your loved ones. Your loved ones will finally learn to take a moment to try to help themselves first before they jump on the phone to call you. They will learn how to think for themselves and find solutions for themselves before tapping into you. This is a win-win for everyone.

But before you can notice behavioral change, the change has to first of all start in your mind. Particularly in your actual brain. Through Brainspotting therapy in Houston, we work on releasing some of the guilt and anxiety that you have around boundary setting. We identify some of the emotional blocks and areas of ‘stuckness’ that have been hardwired into you. Once your body has been able to process, digest and then release these emotional blocks, they no longer have you in a chokehold.

You will then find that it is so much easier to know how you are feeling around boundary setting, identify the boundaries that are healthy for you and then go one more step by communicating exactly what the boundaries are. You can become a communication ninja who is able to be both assertive and kind. Yes, it is possible.

People-Pleasing vs. Personal Power: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Set Loving Boundaries

One of the struggles I see in my Houston therapy practice is that a lot of my highly sensitive female clients often struggle with the need to please others. They want people to be happy with them, they want to be liked and they do not like to ruffle feathers. They also do not enjoy having difficult conversations in their personal relationships. They want to be seen as the good, kind woman. And most of my clients are indeed the good, kind woman.

But the problem with people pleasing is that you always find yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Sometimes, even your loved ones who might come off as having the best of intentions, will sometimes take advantage of your kind nature. And so the question becomes, “How do I maintain personal power in my relationships?”

The first thing to ask yourself when you are creating boundaries is “How do I feel about the situation?” Use feeling words like ‘Happy, confused, disrespected, sad, overlooked, invisible.’ This can help you really pinpoint what is going on for you internally.

Next, ask yourself “How do I want to feel about the situation?” Use another feeling word like ‘Empowered, strong, happy, respected, important.’

Now that you know the outcome that you want, it is time to identify what you need.

For example, if you want to feel empowered, then you might need to have your voice be heard. A simple way to state what you need is by using this simple formula:

I feel [insert emotion word] about [insert situation], what I need is [insert need here].

Spend some time practicing this formula until you feel confident about it. Once you feel a little bit more confident about it, then it is time to communicate it to your loved one. Remember that boundary setting does not happen overnight, it is some thing that you get better at as you practice more and more.

Boundaries Without the Guilt: How to Say ‘No’ and Still Feel Like the Amazing Woman You Are

Setting firm boundaries in your personal relationships will actually create closeness in those relationships. If you are in relationships with people who care about you and respect you, they actually want to ensure that your boundaries are protected. They care about your well-being, and so they will be willing to listen to you when you tell them what is hurtful versus what can empower you.

Sometimes when you set boundaries, you might feel like you're letting others down. But remember that you cannot be all things to all people all the time. There will be times when you cannot meet the needs of others because your needs are not being met or because you're simply too tired. Sometimes your schedule is just so full that you cannot accommodate everybody else. You are not a martyr. It is important that your needs are met and your feelings are treated as important too.

And so when you start to set boundaries, remind yourself that it is OK to let others down sometimes. It is also OK that your needs be met as well. Boundary setting helps people understand what your need are and it helps them be there for you. That also creates a level of vulnerability. Without vulnerability there is not true, deep connection with our loved ones.

Stop the Overwhelm: How Brainspotting Helps High-Performing Women Set Clear Boundaries

One of my favorite things about Brainspotting therapy in Houston is that it actually helps to calm your nervous system by giving highly sensitive women the clarity and confidence they need to set boundaries that protect their emotional well-being. When you know that you were able to speak up for yourself and set good boundaries, you feel so much more comfortable in your own skin. You feel like you're able to protect yourself from the big, bad world. Your loved ones also know how to meet you at the point of your need, so you know longer have to wear the cape of superwoman. Brainspotting provides so much clarity and you begin to notice behavioral and relational patterns that you did not even know were there. When you know these patterns, you are at a better position to fix them.

Ready to set boundaries without the guilt? Try Brainspotting Therapy in Houston! Brainspotting can help you find emotional clarity, set boundaries, and maintain healthy personal relationships—all while thriving in your high-achieving lifestyle. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation call today and find out if Brainspotting therapy in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Perfectionism vs. Peace: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Break Free from the 'Always Perfect' Trap

Perfectionism vs. Peace: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Break Free from the 'Always Perfect' Trap

When you struggle with perfectionism, you constantly feel tense because you know exactly how you want to operate in the relationship, but you find yourself saying and doing things that are incongruent with who you actually are. You essentially operate for the other person and do everything to please the other person. This creates a lot of guilt and shame for you. Because you know what you want to do. It's like your head and your heart have a disconnect. And that leaves you feeling small, feeling bad about yourself and just generally spinning your wheels. The positive thing is that perfectionism is not hardwired into your DNA. With a somatic type of therapy like Brainspotting therapy in Houston, we can actually actively work on how to remove those perfectionistic tendencies so that you can be free to be yourself again. Brainspotting does a good job of releasing the pressure of perfectionism and just allowing you to be who you really are.

How to Set Loving Boundaries in Your Relationships (Without Feeling Guilty)

When you are not used to setting clear boundaries regularly, upon the first try (and during the next few tries) you will definitely be riddled with guilt. Because you spend so much time hoping that the other person is not mad at you. You might think that they'll stop being your friend- all because of the boundary that you set. You just go down an entire rabbit hole- all because you set a boundary. Now the problem with perfectionism, is that it makes boundary setting so difficult, especially in your personal relationships. Because perfectionists expect their relationships to also be perfect. And when someone is mad at you for setting a boundary, that defeats the purpose of perfectionism. When you falter in your boundary setting attempts, that also does not register as perfect.

Setting boundaries could even cause you some anxiety and lots of discomfort. Enter my favorite thing- Brainspotting therapy. With the help of brainspotting you can go from a woman who did everything for everyone else and put her needs on the back burner, to a woman who put her needs first, continues to be empathetic and kind, and is able to create space for herself, relationships and other people too.

You do not have to give up on being the kind person that you already are. Once we are able to identify why perfectionism and people pleasing are staples in your life, we are then able to practice how to set boundaries without the presence of guilt. I love brainspotting for this as opposed to talk therapy. Because talk therapy focuses so much on logic and chances are you're already a very logical person who likes to talk herself out of setting boundaries. With brainspotting, we will focus mostly on emotions and we connect you back to your body. When you're able to identify how emotions affect you, and also heal trauma, it is a lot easier to let go of perfectionism.

Ditch the Superwoman Cape: How to Let Go of Perfectionism and Build Stronger Connections

Do you know the sad thing about superwoman? Everyone loves how strong she is and how she rushes in to save the day. We marvel at how she's able to multitask and save an entire city without breaking a sweat. But do you know that nobody even asks how her shoulders are doing. We don't ask her if she gets enough sleep, if she's tired or if she wants a break. Nobody cares about superwoman's feelings. This is why you need to seriously ditch the cape. You are NOT superwoman. You are just a woman and that is OK. That is what your life needs to look like every single day.

Because superwoman is perfect. And humans cannot relate to people who are perfect. We can only relate to people who are actually human. To build stronger connections it is important to be able to ask for help. It is important to rest sometimes. It's important to let people know when things are too much for you. It's important to cry sometimes. It's important to show people that you have real emotions. It's important for you to know when to move and went to call it quits. When the people around you see that you are indeed functioning like a human, they will hopefully start to treat you like you are human. Because nobody can connect with a perfect person. But we all know what it is to be flawed and real.

Stop Perfectionism from Ruining Your Relationships: How Brainspotting Therapy Can Help

When you always show up as a perfect friend, it already creates unrealistic expectations. They expect you to never make mistakes, they expect you to always be on point, and they expect you to probably carry the entire relationship on your shoulders. This leads to frustration and strain for not just you, but for your friends as well. It is important to note that you can be a high achieving woman who is not perfect. Because high achieving simply means that you have big goals and you have achieved quite a few things in your life. This means that you work hard and you know where you are trying to go in life.

High achieving does not mean that you are perfect in the way that you implement your goals. And it does not mean that you will achieve every single goal that you have put your mind to. The great thing about brainspotting is that it helps you unlock patterns that have been driving you but no longer work for you. As a high achieving woman in Houston, you probably are an entrepreneur who does multiple businesses. But perfectionism can actually stop you from meeting your business goals. Because sometimes you do not put out content and you do not put out work because it is not perfect. With Brainspotting you will learn exactly why you became a perfectionist and then we can work together to unravel that so that you can function as simply a human- no super woman needed.

Ready to Be Perfectly Imperfect? How Brainspotting Helps You Embrace Your True Self

Imperfections actually make us human. Imperfections can be a way to connect with other people. Because other people have flaws too. So when they see that you have a similar struggle with them, they can partner with you so that you can hold each other accountable. Imperfections are actually just proof that you are human. And if you want to be treated like the human that you are, and if you want people to see you for who you are, then you have to take the bold step to be vulnerable and let people see all of you.

I'm not saying that you have to share all of your life with everyone on social media. All I'm saying is that if you want to truly connect with close friends and loved ones, you have to take off that façade of perfectionism. Because perfectionism can drive them crazy. Sometimes when you're a perfectionist, you expect so much out of your loved ones and they actually cannot give you all the perfection that you need. But when you are human and you allow them to be human too, things are less tense in the relationship. Brainspotting therapy can actually help you connect with the real you. Perhaps the real you is a high-powered, high achieving woman who also likes to be goofy. Perhaps you are a k-drama loving, highly sensitive woman who loves the stock market. Perhaps you are a woman who sometimes burns dinner, but you're also an amazing physician. You can show up as you actually are and people will accept you for who you are.

Are you ready to break free from perfectionism and start building stronger, more meaningful relationships? As a trauma therapist in Houston, I specialize in working with high-performing, highly sensitive women, including Black women, to overcome the perfectionism trap. Through brainspotting therapy, you can release past trauma, set healthier boundaries, and embrace your true self. Book a free 15-minute consultation call today and take the first step toward deeper connection and personal peace.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

People Pleasing and HSPs: How to Stand Up for Yourself Without Conflict

Goodbye People-Pleasing, Hello Confidence: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Set Boundaries Without the Drama

If you follow me on social media, you know that I'm always talking about boundary setting. I argue that because of the limited bandwidth of some highly sensitive women, it is important to protect your energy through boundary setting. If you said “Yes” to every single thing and if you helped everybody who asked you for help, you'll never have time for yourself. You only end up in resentment and overtiredness. And when a highly sensitive person is overtired, they get cranky and their mood is just completely off. If you are constantly in the state of over tiredness, that will definitely derail your goals. Which is a no-no for highly ambitious, highly sensitive women.

One of the most important things to focus on as a highly sensitive, high performing woman is to realize that your needs matter too. When you are stuck in the people pleasing cycle, you are so focused as the needs of others and making sure that they don't get mad at you. But before you set a boundary, ask yourself, how would I handle this if I actually respected myself and believe that my values are important? If you ask yourself this question all the time then you are going to be able to see it much clearer and healthier boundaries for yourself.

So it is important to learn how to set clear, kind boundaries so that the people around you can know what you need. This does not have to be a whole dramatic event. You don't have to be mean, rude or go around upsetting everyone. However, that being said, if the people around you are not safe, they will feel offended when you're simply just setting a clear and kind boundary. Because someone gets upset about your boundaries does not mean that your boundaries are wrong. Just ask yourself, “Am I holding onto my values?” “Am I stepping on anybody's toes?” This will tell you everything you need to know.

One way I help highly sensitive women is by utilizing Brainspotting therapy as a tool to help them become more confident in setting boundaries without feeling guilt or causing too much conflict. Sometimes you know the boundary that you need to set, but you just do not have the confidence to implement it. And sometimes you really are at a loss for what boundary to set. This is where the brainspotting therapy comes in. It helps us go down the rabbit hole in your brain or to figure out where the connections need to be formed. I promise you that it is important to navigate relationships without being a people pleaser.

People Pleasing 101: How to Stay True to Yourself (Even When You Hate Saying ‘No’)

Sometimes saying the word ‘No’ can feel almost physically painful because:

• You think that you are being mean by saying “No.”

• You don't want to hurt the other person's feelings

• You feel guilty because you know that you can actually help them but because you do not have the bandwidth to choose not to help them in this moment.

• You worry about what they will think and say about you.

• You worry about the potential loss of relationship. Will they stop liking you? Will they think that you're a bad person?

  All these things are running through your head because you said “No.” However, let me put it into perspective for you. If you continue to say “Yes” to every single person and every single thing, you will absolutely NOT have time for yourself. That means that you will be burning the candle on both ends which will lead to you being completely tired, resentful of yourself and others, and just raggedy. And you do not want to be raggedy, because you're too ambitious to be raggedy. As an ambitious person, you need to be refreshed and clearheaded in order to actually meet your goals. So it is important to remind yourself of why you're setting these clear, kind boundaries.

This is why I like Brainspotting therapy. Rather than spending day after day going down the rabbit hole in talk therapy, in just a few Brainspotting therapy sessions, you can easily get to the root of why it is hard for you to say “No.” You learn what the roots of your people pleasing behaviors are, we're able to approach it so that you can finally be free to set boundaries that are actually in alignment with your values.

It'll be easier to find out why people pleasing is a thing for you. Once you find out why you do what you do, it is so much easier to break the unhelpful habit and form new non-people pleasing habits.

Master the Art of Standing Up for Yourself: How HSPs Can Set Boundaries and Still Be Loved

As a highly sensitive woman, you get uncomfortable with the idea of saying “No” constantly, but a big part of boundary setting is knowing how to stand up for yourself. Because people will constantly step on your toes. Some of them are just mean spirited and actually enjoy stepping on your toes. Because you are one of the few highly sensitive people that they know- they just assume that their behavior is fine.

Instead of expecting people to come and make things right, it is important that you move up to them and start to stand up for yourself. Because it is so important to realize that people will treat you the way you let them treat you. And it is your job to teach people how to treat you. Assume that nobody knows how to treat you until you teach them. The great thing about boundary setting is that it does not have to destroy your positive relationships. Please note that I am assuming that your relationships are safe relationships. Because I have no intention of teaching you how to maintain unsafe relationships. Because we all deserve safety in our lives.

When you stay true to yourself and when you understand how you want to be treated, you can actually build stronger relationships with the people around you. When you set good boundaries, that means that you're actually allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability allows people to see past the superficial level and actually see you just as you are.

And so this is where Brainspotting therapy comes in. This therapy helps you go into the deep areas of your brain where big emotions are stored so that we can start to uncover the people pleasing habits that you have and how to get rid of them. Please note that if people genuinely love you unconditionally, they will respect your boundaries. They may not enjoy your boundaries- your boundaries might take them aback, or they might not know why you even want those boundaries, however if it is important to you, it'll become important to them too.

The goal is not to destroy your relationships wit boundary setting. The goal is to actually strengthen them so that you can be better respected.

Stop Saying ‘Yes’ When You Mean ‘No’: How Brainspotting Helps HSPs Overcome People Pleasing

Has this ever happened to you? You get a call from a loved one, but you were already at home sitting down comfortably and happily. The plan was for you to Netflix and chill with the boo, but here comes your best friend crying on the other end, talking about how she needs you now. In your mind, you know that this is NOT an emergency. You know she's actually being dramatic and that all she needs is a nap. However because she's crying so hard and she keeps saying that she needs you, you have to unwrap yourself from the warm blanket, look at your boo in his eyes and say to him, “Sorry, my friend needs me.”

And so you venture out into the cold, make the 30 minute drive to your friend’s house, by the time you get there, you realize that she has calmed down and she never even needed you in the first place.

Why did you say “Yes” when you actually meant “No?” Well could it be that you are a people pleaser? In your mind, people pleasing is a way to help you maintain a good relationship so that nobody will be mad at you. It is a way to help you avoid conflict, but the problem with people pleasing is that it is eating you up from the inside out. You essentially sacrificed your relationship with your husband to maintain your relationship with your friend. However, if you had simply just said “No” to your friend she would've understood because she's your friend who loves you.

You can maintain both relationships at the same time. Even though people pleasing appears to save relationships, it actually just sacrifices them. With the help of brainspotting therapy we can become a lot more assertive, especially in personal and professional relationships. You'll learn how to set boundaries your way and without all of the guilt.

Stand Up for Yourself Without Conflict: A Guide for High-Performing Women Who Hate People-Pleasing

If you are a high-performing woman who absolutely hates people pleasing, then gather here. The great thing about Brainspotting therapy, is that it goes into the deeper layers of the brain where big emotions are held. That is important because instead of going down the rabbit hole for weeks and weeks in talk therapy, in just a few Brainspotting therapy sessions we will be able to get to the root of why you became a people pleaser and how we can help you reverse that.

When you are no longer a people pleaser, you actually begin to form authentic relationships that are not based on what you can do for people, but are just simply based on who you are as a person. When you form authentic relationships, they stay your friend or your business partner because of the value that you bring to the table, not because of the boundaries that you have set with them.

Authentic relationships are a whole lot deeper than people pleasing relationships. If your friend is just your friend because of what you can do for them, then it means that essentially, your relationship will fizzle out fast.

And when somebody steps on your toes or upsets you, it is important to be able to stand up for yourself without conflict. Setting a boundary does not mean that you are trying to fight the other person. It is simply just a statement to help them to notice that they hurt you. And if they're a safe person, they will apologize, take notes and not do it again.

Tired of putting everyone else’s needs before your own? If you’re a highly sensitive, high-performing woman in Houston, brainspotting therapy can help you break free from people-pleasing habits and build stronger, more balanced relationships. As a trauma therapist in Houston, specializing in working with Black women, I can help you stand up for yourself with confidence. Book a free 15-minute consult session today and take the first step toward healthier boundaries and deeper connections!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Boundaries without the guilt: How to say ‘No’ and still feel like the superwoman that you are

Embracing Your Inner Superwoman: The Power of Saying ‘No’ in Personal Relationships

Let’s face it, without you, your household will end up in chaos. You don’t enjoy it being this way, but that’s where you are currently. The goal is to get to a point in which you still maintain your sensitivity, warmth and softness, but you no longer shoulder everyrone’s burdens on your back. I have to be honest, I don’t personally love the title of ‘Superwoman,’ but I do have to admit that you are definitely playing that role right now.

You are the nucleus of your family- both your immediate and extended family. Without you, it appears that everything will fall apart. While that sounds great in theory, in practice, it means you get no days off. It means you rarely get time to yourself. It also means that the people around you do not attempt to do certain tasks, because it is assumed that you’ve got this.

The outcome?

You end up burned out, frustrated and resentful. Not a good place to be.

But then you begin to know your boundaries and set those boundaries with your friends and loved ones, you start to reclaim some of your time. You start to tell them what you will be willing to do and what you are no longer willing to do. They begin to see you as human- not Superwoman. They start to think about your needs, your wants, your bandwidth and your time. They start to check up on you the way you have checked up on them for years. This can greatly strengthen your relationships.

Overcoming Guilt: Why Saying ‘No’ Doesn’t Mean You’re Letting Others Down

The most difficult part of setting boundaries is the guilt that comes with it. When you first learn to say ‘No,’ you will most likely get push back from the people around you. They might think you are mean, they might think you no longer care about them, they might wonder why you have chosen not to help them, even though they know you are capable.

And this will scare you, sadden you, surprise you. Because you know you are only setting boundaries to maintain your own mental and physical health. So there has to be a mindset shift that comes with boundary setting. Every time you try to set a boundary, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself that you might receive backlash. But also remind yourself that you are doing this to set yourself free from a life of resentment, burnout and complete exhaustion.

You might also think that setting boundaries is selfish. Because you have spent majority of your life catering to people who are perfectly capable of helping themselves. The more you have done that, the more they have thrived and the more exhausted you have felt. After a while, people begin to think that it is your job to take care of them. They stop thanking you for your help and they start assuming that it is now your duty. Remind yourself of this. If you don’t get good at boundary setting, where will you be? Write it out.

Boundary setting is a strength- not a form of selfishness. Selfishness means you never think of others. Strength means that you are able to do something, but you hold back so that the other person can learn how to take care of themselves and how to think about your needs too.

The Art of Saying ‘No’ with Confidence: Tips from a Trauma Therapist in Houston

When you are trying to set a boundary, it is important to exude confidence and to be very clear. I often say that I specialize in helping people set clear, kind boundaries. Because boundaries and assertiveness doesn’t equal meanness. Sometimes you try to set a boundary, but your words are so unclear that the person has no clue what you’re talking about. And for people who are manipulative, if they notice that you appear uncomfortable about your boundaries, they will steam roll you.

Sad, but true.

Here are some simple boundary setting steps:

1)) The first step in boundary setting is believing in the boundary. Know why you are setting the boundary in the first place. What is your goal? Is it to gain freedom from the expectations of others? Is it to finally have time to yourself? Is it to stop the phone from ringing so much? Know why you are setting the boundary.

2) The next step is to allow guilt to come. When you have taken care of people for so long, you almost feel obligated to continue to do so- even though you are tired. Expect that you will feel guilty when you set the boundary. However do not let the guilt completely take over. Notice the guilt, let it sit there, but still set the boundary anyway. The more you get used to setting boundaries, the sooner the guilt will shrink.

3) Next comes the practice. Practice what you are going to say. The goal of clear communication is this:

If a stranger were to walk in on your boundary setting conversation, will they be able to understand exactly what you meant? Or could they draw another conclusion from your statement?

Here is a simple framework to use. Please remember to keep your statements short and straight to the point. There is no need to beat about the bush or over explain why you have chosen a certain set of boundaries. Use this simple framework that was developed by Dr. and Dr. Gottman.

I feel [include emotion], about [say the situation]. Here is what I need [include needs here].

For example: “I feel frustrated about having to wake you up every day. What I need is for you to set an alarm every morning.

Notice I didn’t over explain. I kept it straight to the point. When you try to over explain yourself, people tend to try to poke holes in your explanation and talk you out to it. So Just keep it short and sweet.

Building Healthy Relationships: How Boundaries Lead to Stronger Connections

Boundary setting is also a great way to know whether or not the people around you are safe. Safe people generally respect the boundaries of others. Safe people also want to see you grow and thrive. When they upset you or cause you some sort of discomfort, they are quick to apologize. They also don’t take advantage of you. Even though they might know that boundary setting feels uncomfortable for you, they will take a step back and honor your wishes.

And when you realize that your friends are safe, it brings you so much closer together. It fosters an environment of respect and understanding. Saying ‘No’ helps the people around know your likes and dislikes. It also helps you better understand what you do and do not want to do. It enhances personal relationships because you can move beyond being superficial and get to your deeper feelings and needs.

Finding Freedom in ‘No’: A Journey with a Black Therapist in Houston

Learn how therapy can support you in establishing and maintaining boundaries that empower you in all areas of your life.

If boundary setting sounds like something completely terrifying, it’s okay. You can breathe. A knowledgable therapist in Houston (AKA me!) can help you work through how to gently establish and maintain boundaries in your life. Boundary setting can help empower you, remove a lot of the stress that comes from constantly putting your needs on the back burner. You will learn how to stand up for yourself, what your actual needs are, how to communicate them in a way that does not seem totally awful, and how to manage the big guilt that shows up when you do the brave thing and set boundaries.

The great thing about boundary setting is that it doesn’t have to be limited to just your personal relationships. You can learn how to set boundaries with strangers, at work, as well as even boundaries with yourself. The work can be hard at first, but once you get the hang of it, you can walk in freedom.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Today!

Don’t let guilt hold you back any longer. Contact me to learn how to set loving boundaries and embrace your superwoman human self with the guidance of a skilled Black therapist in Houston! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call and see if boundary setting therapy in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Why saying “No” feels so hard: The struggle of high performing, highly sensitive women

The Burden of Expectations: Why High-Performing Women Struggle to Say 'No'

When you grow up in a collectivist culture- especially if you are either the oldest child or the oldest daughter, the responsibilities on your shoulder are intense. You are expected to take care of your siblings, take care of your parents, and also look out for extended family members like aunts, uncles and cousins.

Every move you make feels like it is being monitored by the aunties and elders. Everything you do also reflects upon your parents and family. You do everything in your power not to tarnish the family name. You are typically expected to say “How high?” when asked to jump. You are not to complain, and your needs take a backseat to the needs of the collective.

While collectivistic living isn’t all bad, after all you have an entire family who loves you, who spend time with you and who will come running when things go bad, it does feel stifling at times.

Because you are expected to be a good daughter all the time, you naturally will feel bad when you decide not to follow through with the expectations of others. You naturally do want to please your family, friends and community. You don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb or have the rumor mill churning because of you. But you have your own dreams and aspirations and you are unsure of how you can balance them with the needs of your family- without being offensive or rude.

So when you attempt to even set a boundary, you will get push back from everyone around you. Because the expectation is service without complaints.

High Sensitivity and High Achievement: A Double-Edged Sword

When you are highly sensitive, you are a deep thinker AND a deep feeler. When you have a conversation with someone, you are 10 steps ahead. You’re wondering, “How will my behavior affect them?,” “What will they think of me?” While also being her aware about the nuances in their facial expressions, the itchiness of the tag on your shirt, the growl in your tummy and the weird heat in the room.

By the way, no one else is thinking this deeply all the time. It’s just you.

Because you are so aware about how things affect others, you are sensitive about not wanting to hurt others. You feel like you will hurt their feelings if you say “No.” And because you are such a capable, high achieving woman, you tend to think that they will crumble if you don’t help them. When people come to you with their pain, you can sense how strongly and how deep they feel their pain. It hurts you too, and so rather than allowing them to go through their process of healing or problem solving, you jump in every single time.

You then get the reputation as official fixer of all people. This makes you tired, frustrated and a bit resentful that they don’t care about your needs. They are putting their needs above yours.

Understanding the Fear of Disappointment: The Emotional Toll of Saying 'Yes' Too Often

You are so aware of how disappointment affects others that you try hard to never let others down. You hate to see people feel sad or mad. Even when you know you don’t have the time or bandwidth to help others, you jump in to fix their problems anyway. You’ve done this for so long that they almost expect you to put your needs last.

And because you have done it for so long, it feels awkward for you to set a boundary now. But every night, you go to bed exhausted and annoyed that no one checks up on you any longer. They simply call you when they need something and they rarely say thank you any longer- after all your official title is now “Fixer.”

But a small part of you actually enjoys helping others. You are kind and empathetic. You love to see them move from dismay to joy and peace. You also feel validated when people say “You’re so great at helping people.” “What would I have done without you?” “How on earth do you juggle so much?” It strokes your ego a bit.

So you are in a tight spot. On the one hand you enjoy being a helper, but on the other hand, you just want the space to be able to actually take care of yourself.

Strategies for Empowerment: How to Say 'No' Without Guilt or Regret

If the above describes you, let’s talk about how you can maintain your empathy without being run over by others. It is important that you are able to say “No” without thinking you’re a bad person all day.

When someone asks you for help, ask yourself these questions. The answer will tell you what boundary to set.

1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?

2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?

3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?

4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?

5) Does this person value me? Will they be there to help me if I needed it?

6) Am I putting my own needs on the backburner right now?

And when you’ve decided you want to say “No,” here are some phrases you can use without actually saying “No.”

1) “I’m not available at this time.'“

2) “That does not work for me.”

3) “I would rather not.”

4) “Let’s pick a later time.”

5) “There is no room on my schedule for that.”

If the person you are setting boundaries with actually respects you and wants to see you thrive, they will be understanding of you. However, if they do not have respect for you, they will definitely push back.

Finding Your Voice: Why Working with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help

If you have gone all your life and have struggled with saying “No,” or if the people around you just do not respect your boundaries, it might be time to have a therapist guide you. As a Black trauma therapist in Houston, I have helped so many women learn how to set clear, kind boundaries with their strong willed relatives and friends.

I get it. You do not want to be rude or burn bridges. I totally get it. Do you know that it is possible to actually set healthy boundaries that allow you to be compassionate with yourself and others? You can put your needs out front, ask for what you want and not be so worried about what others will think about you.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with me- a Black Therapist in Houston Today!

It's time to break free from the fear of saying 'no' and embrace your true needs. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me now to start your journey with a trauma therapist who understands your struggles and is here to help you thrive!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.