Embracing Your Sensitivity: Allowing Yourself to Be Soft and Vulnerable in Marriage

The Power of Vulnerability: Why It’s Important for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

Let's first of all start with the word "Soft." Most people don’t love being called soft. Especially if you are a Black highly sensitive woman. Chances are that all of your life you've been told that you are too soft, you cry too much, you care too much, you think about things too much, you do too much, you are too much, or you are too sensitive. And so you've spent a good portion of your life trying to mask your true self. What is important is that we reclaim the word ‘soft,’ because soft is the reason why you are able to connect with people around you. Your softness is the reason why you can connect with your kids, why you’re trustworthy and why people feel safe around you.

It’s the same thing in marriage. If you always put a wall up or your armor on, your husband will never get to know the real you. As a Black therapist in Houston, I see this time and time again. If he doesn't get to know the real you, he'll have a hard time trusting you. Think about it this way- it is hard for you to trust a stranger. If you go to a store every day and you see the same cashier every day, without actually knowing details about her life, it is difficult for you to trust hr with important things. You might trust her to check out your groceries, but you most certainly wouldn't trust her to pick your kids up from school. Because you do not in fact know her.

In the same way, when your spouse barely knows who you are, it also makes it difficult for you to trust him, because there is no actual emotional intimacy in your marriage. Please note that emotional intimacy is different from sex. One of them is a physical act, and the other is the ability to peel off all the layers until your spouse knows you at your core. They definitely are interrelated.

When you are able to be vulnerable with your spouse, your connection deepens. Especially if you are a highly sensitive woman. Your friendship with your spouse will grow. It is important for your spouse to understand what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what your goals, cares, ambitions, irritations and more are. The more he knows, the more he is able to respond to and meet your needs.

How Sensitivity Can Be Your Strength in Relationships

To get to a place in which softness can be embraced, you first have to look at your view of sensitivity. If when you were growing up, sensitivity was something that was looked down upon, irritating to others or laughed at, then chances are you view your sensitivity as something negative. However, if your sensitivity was embraced, chances are you feel like being soft is a good thing.

But the thing about sensitivity is that it is not a disorder or anything negative. It is simply the way you were created. It is no different than someone being introverted versus another person being more extroverted. Neither is good or bad- they both have their place in society. The great thing about sensitivity is that there's so much strength within it. Because you are the one who notices nuances that most people miss. And you are the first person to notice when there is a problem. Even when others may notice the problem, they may not do anything about it because they're not deeply emotionally connected to the people and things around them. It is often the highly sensitive people who champion great causes and affect change because they feel the struggles of others so deeply that they have to do some thing in order to feel better living in the world that they do.

Sensitivity is a great tool to foster empathy and understanding in your marriage. Highly sensitive people are deep wells. They are the people who ask you “How are you doing?” But they did not expect to just hear “Fine.” They actually want to know how you’re truly doing and they will spend the time to listen to you, to encourage you or uplift you. Sensitivity allows for deeper connections, thereby making relationships more fulfilling.

The Fear of Being Too Soft: What’s Holding You Back from Vulnerability?

One of the common misconceptions about vulnerability is that it will create weakness and it is a path to getting hurt. However when we're talking about a marriage, the assumption is that you and your spouse love each other and you want what is best for one another. When couples come to me for marriage counseling in Houston, their main struggle is that they feel like they have drifted apart and that they are not as close as they used to be. In this case, vulnerability is what they need. If you're highly sensitive, vulnerability is exactly what you want in your marriage.

When both of you learn how to truly communicate with one another, how to listen to one another, how to manage conflict effectively and how to strengthen the friendship in your marriage, then you probably will not be getting hurt so much. In this case, vulnerability will actually help you get a lot closer to one another. As we work on self compassion as well as compassion for one another, as we build trust in the marriage, then vulnerability will become so much easier. It's really about putting away the fear of being too soft and leaning into being very connected to spouse. And these are the skills I teach during Christian marriage counseling.

Practical Ways to Open Up and Embrace Softness in Your Marriage

Vulnerability starts with feeling safe enough to open up to your spouse. If you're not feeling emotionally safe enough to be open to your spouse, then perhaps marriage counseling in Houston is where you need to start. Because it is important that I do not set you up for failure. Sometimes a professional third-party is who you need to get the ball rolling.

But if you do feel emotionally safe enough to open up to your spouse, start with expressing your emotions gently. You can even start with expressing something as simple as joy, gratitude or excitement. Start that way and see how your spouse responds. If he gives you a lackluster response, you can coach him a little bit about what response would lighten up your heart. Help him know that you're trying something new by trying to be more vulnerable so that you can create more intimacy, friendship and trust in your marriage.

Another way to invite vulnerability into your marriage is by sharing your needs. Sometimes as a highly sensitive person, you're so used to meeting the needs of other people, that you don't even know what you need. Get a notebook and sit down every night with it. Ask yourself “If someone were to grant me one wish that would change my marriage, what would it be?” Is it to sit and go over the day with your spouse each night? Is it to go on regular dates with your spouse? Is it a hug or a kiss? Is it to work together as a team to tackle domestic work or chip away at your long-term goals? Write it down and share it with him.

Be easy on yourself. Because this is something that you're not used to, it might feel difficult at first. Practice makes things better. And remind yourself that your spouse might not be used to you being open in your marriage. His response might be puzzling at first. Again, let him know that you're trying something different and you want a gentle reaction. Give him a few examples of what gentle means to you. Because we are all different.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Embrace Vulnerability in Your Marriage

My job as a marriage counselor in Houston is to help highly sensitive individuals learn how to embrace their softness and vulnerability in marriage. In a strong marriage, you get to be yourself. You get to be as soft as you really are, you get to be as introverted or extroverted as you really are and you do not need to wear a mask. My job as a couples therapist is to show you how to create a safe space in your marriage, so that you always feel comfortable peeling off the layers, letting your spouse know how you feel and what you need.

And of course it is a two-way street. So the goal is for you to also create a safe space so that your spouse can feel safe enough to open up, show you who he really is, so that you can grow the friendship in your relationship, know what to do when conflict shows up, and share life's goals and dreams together. Without vulnerability there is no healthy marriage. Without vulnerability, all we have are two roommates pretending to be married.

During our Christian marriage counseling sessions, you will learn how to establish trust, how to speak to your spouse in a way that he can listen, how to listen deeply to your spouse, how to meet each other's needs, as well as what to do when things go south. Because your marriage is not going to be perfect, but both of you can work together as a team to make sure that the marriage is good.

If you're ready to embrace vulnerability and build a stronger emotional connection in your marriage, reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling. Together, we'll help you navigate your high sensitivity and strengthen your bond. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for virtual marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Vulnerability and Strength: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

Why Vulnerability is a Strength in Christian Marriages

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, even though you feel emotions deeply and you are quite empathetic to the experiences of others, you hide your vulnerability because you feel like it is a weakness. Perhaps you've tried to be vulnerable with people that you love in the past, and it has backfired on you- which then causes you to hold back on the vulnerability in your marriage. However, it is important to note that vulnerability fosters deeper emotional intimacy and trust in a marriage. Think of it as peeling back the layers of an onion. You can only get to see the center the more layers that you peel.

Your husband can only truly know the real you if you are vulnerable and allow him to see the deeper layers. The more layers you peel, sometimes it actually becomes a reciprocal exchange. He also starts to peel back his layers. He learns that vulnerability creates closeness and trust. And the deeper the trust in your marriage, the more comfortable and intimate your marriage can be.

If we think about marriage within a Christian context, we are supposed to submit one to another. It is very difficult to submit to someone you barely know. Remember that vulnerability does not mean weakness. If you and your husband generally love each other the way Christ loved the church, and if there is mutual respect in the relationship, then vulnerability will not come at a bad cost. Vulnerability will be held with respect, compassion and understanding. It is not something weak to take advantage of, however it is a way of showing strength by allowing somebody else to see the real you.

Building Emotional Trust with Your Partner as a Sensitive Woman

So now that we understand the importance of vulnerability in building trust and emotional intimacy, how exactly do you establish trust with your partner as highly sensitive woman? Start with the small things. Think about how you like to express affection and appreciation for your partner. Do you like words of affirmation, are you a gift giver, do you like to serve your partner in small ways, or are you a physical touch person? Allowing yourself to express love in your own way is also a form of vulnerability. And when your partner is able to receive love from you, it continues to build the emotional trust that you both share. The goal is for these expressions of love to become mutual.

Remember to be consistent. When I facitiliate couples therapy in Houston or marriage retreats in Houston with Christian married couples, I use The Gottman Method. One of my favorite things to teach them is rituals of connection. These are small things that healthy couples do each day to establish and maintain connection in their marriage. It could be something as simple as waving to your partner in the driveway as he drives off each day or giving each other a kiss goodbye before you leave for work. What do you do during meal times? Do you sit together and talk about your day? Or are you glued to your phones? How do you handle stress as a married couple? Do you work together as a team to manage stress or do you feel like you are on your own?

When you do consistent rituals each day they not only give you a sense of safety in the relationship, but it fuels trust with your partner is a highly sensitive person. Another aspect of vulnerability is to share the ups and the downs of life. Do you both celebrate each other when great things happen or do you keep it to yourself? And what happens when disappointments happen? How do you show each other that you are there for one another? All of this is a part of vulnerability.

When you are able to do small acts of emotional intimacy, it opens the door for greater vulnerability. It’s the idea of, my spouse shows me in little ways that I can peel my layers off without shame, so I am now more comfortable to peel off more layers and go deeper.

Embracing Your Sensitivity Without Feeling Weak

Being a highly sensitive person is actually a powerful asset in relationships. Because when your spouse walks through the door, you are so attuned to his or her body language that you immediately know that something bad happened that day. Or when you're talking on the phone with your spouse, you can instantly tell that his or her tone is off. Because you notice the small nuances, you're able to key into the events of the day and show him or her that you're there for emotional support.

Highly sensitive people can sometimes almost feel like they can experience the emotions of others, so that they can feel sad when their spouse is also feeling sad. Sometimes they now what their spouse is feeling before their spouse actual yknwos what’s going on. I'm not talking about codependency. I'm just talking about a deep sense of empathy. When you're able to show empathy and connect with your spouse on a deeper level, it helps them to continue to peel their layers so you can experience them on a much deeper level.

So whenever you think of your high sensitivity as a weakness or a bad thing, remember that your deep sense of empathy is actually what helps to build a deeper connection with your spouse. Connection, vulnerability and emotional intimacy are all interwoven in healthy marriages.

Encouraging Vulnerability in Your Partner to Deepen Your Bond

If your spouse is not highly sensitive, and if he was raised in an environment in which sharing of emotions and thoughts was discouraged, you might find it odd to discuss deep things with you. But remind him that opening up emotionally is actually healthy for the marriage. The more he's able to open up, the more you're able to know him and actually support him emotionally. That way he does not feel isolated or like he has to bear life's burdens alone. But please do not apply too much pressure. If it has taken him multiple decades to become closed off, he is not going to change overnight.

Maybe just start with something as small as creating rituals of connection or talking about how your day was at the end of each night. Start by talking about the highs and lows of the day as well as one way each person can support the other in the upcoming week. Remember to use tools such as patience, empathy and being an active listener. An active listener is somebody who listens to better understand, rather than trying to get their own way. Over time, as your spouse sees that you are listening to truly understand him and that there's no judgment coming his way, he is able to establish a sense of safety and he hopefully will open up more as time goes on.

Vulnerability is also a two way street. If you expect your spouse to open up to you, it is important that you abide by the same rules. Start with something small. Before you have a vulnerable conversation with your spouse, let him know exactly what reaction you want to see. Do you want a hug, are you just venting and want to get it off your chest? Or do you want his input to brainstorm options? Let him know what it is that you seek so that you don't feel disappointed at the end of the conversation. Even if your marriage has not felt vulnerable up to this point, vulnerability is the only way to create an emotionally intimate marriage.

How Therapy Can Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

One of my favorite parts of my job as marriage therapist in Houston for Christian couples is showing couples how to develop emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I teach very simple and actionable communication skills that help you learn how to listen deeply, and actually understand all the things that your spouse is not saying. You will learn to read between the lines in a positive way and to begin to see your spouse as human- as opposed to being your enemy or a target. I also teach you how to appropriately manage conflict when it shows up. Note that majority of the conflicts that show up in your marriage are actually not solvable- they are just manageable. During our process of couples therapy in Houston, you learn to know when to try to solve an issue versus when to actually stop at a compromise that you both can live with. And ultimately we will build your friendship to create a much stronger emotional connection, which can help to rebuild trust that has been broken.

If you and your spouse have been struggling to understand each other, if the same old conflict keeps coming up over and over again, perhaps it’s time for virtual marriage counseling in Houston. Discover how vulnerability can strengthen your marriage. Reach out to me- a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling tailored to the unique needs of highly sensitive women. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston. I also provide marriage counseling to couples throughout California.

And if you want to dive in even deeper in your marriage, and you do not want to wait for weekly sessions, consider my virtual couples therapy retreat. Click here for more information.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

From Guarded to Open: Embracing Vulnerability in Your Marriage as a Highly Sensitive Woman

Why Highly Sensitive Women Tend to Guard Their Hearts in Marriage

As a highly sensitive woman, it might be difficult for you to open up completely to your spouse. Perhaps it could be because of your past. Maybe you have experienced trauma, maybe you came from a family that hurt you after you chose to trust them. Or maybe it’s because you and your spouse have been through difficult situations that have caused you to close up. Unresolved hurt will most definitely cause you to shut down. And when you shut down, your spouse might be left scratching his head. Because he has no idea where the trust went.

Because you experience emotions in such a deep way, and you spend a lot of time processing those emotions, it might take you a while to open up after you’ve been hurt. By the time you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do, and you’ve pinpointed what has triggered you, 4 days might have passed and you feel too embarrassed to even bring it forward to your spouse. By then he might have forgotten what happened and he could be looking at you like “Why are you only telling me this now?” You might find yourself shutting down frequently when you experience big emotions.

The Benefits of Opening Up and Letting Your Guard Down

But if you are to have a healthy, functioning, emotionally close marriage, the only option is to build a bridge back to trust and understanding. Please note that I am assuming you are married to a man who is emotionally healthy and trustworthy. If you are unsure of how to begin to trust your spouse, perhaps it’s time for marriage counseling. Sometimes it’s great to have a third party help you find your voice and finally learn how to communicate your needs to your spouse in a way that he can understand and receive.

When you finally get to the place of trust and openness, your spouse can finally understand what your triggers are so he can stay away from them. But even greater than that, he can now understand how to love you in a way that you can receive. And you can do the same for him. Emotional openness will also teach you how to repair when things go left. It is the greatest bridge to intimacy and safety in a marriage.

And when you finally are able to bring your emotional wall down, you will feel such a great sense of relief. Your marriage will feel so much easier, you will be able to speak up when you feel hurt, you will be able to laugh with your partner, strengthen your friendship with him and talk to him about pretty much anything. This is what vulnerability does. It is a direct link to connection.

Practical Steps for Becoming More Open and Vulnerable

If you and your spouse are in a season of disconnect or mistrust, do not fret. Your can rebuild what you once had with small steps. Start with yourself. Get a journal and begin to write out your feelings each day. Because it’s quite possible that you have gown out of the habit of checking in with yourself. Write out actual feeling words, as well as what triggered those feelings. Also write out how your marriage got to where it is. What went wrong? What did you do to add to the situation and what did your spouse do? It’s important for the both of you to take resposibility- no blame game here. Remember to apologize for where you’ve gone wrong.

Also begin with small things that help you move back to deep friendship. Watch your body language when you’re around him. Soften up a bit. A little smile, a little sharing at the dinner table, a little hug. Also try to love each other according to each other’s love language. Set up a day in which you’ll want to talk about 1 small problem in your marriage. Listening is so much more important than talking. Take turns talking, then reflect back what you hear. One you’ve understood each other’s emotions and points of view, you may brainstorm 2 or 3 solutions to try. Celebrate with a little dinner, game night or something fun.

You may be thinking, “But what if he rejects me when I open up?” Talk to him about this fear. Before you start the conversation, ensure that he knows you are taking a stab at vulnerability and one of your greatest fears is being shut down by him. If he is the loving man you married, he’ll understand. Also ask him what reservations he has and figure out how to help him feel safe. It’s a two way street.

The Role of Boundaries in Vulnerability

Discuss how setting healthy boundaries can actually support vulnerability by ensuring that emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way.

Offer tips for how boundaries help manage emotional vulnerability without feeling overwhelmed.

Setting healthy boundaries as a married couple can actually support vulnerability because it ensures that your emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way. So before you have deep, touching conversations, ask yourself what you want to see happen and what you do not want to see happen. Once you and your spouse know what your boundaries are, you can then begin to share in a way that feels safe. No yelling, no finger pointing and do not try to assume your partner’s intentions. If things do get tense, ask for a time out. Go to a different room for about 30 minutes to cool off. And only return once everyone is feeling calm. The goal isn’t to convince your spouse of your point of view. The goal is for each of you to really understand each other.

When someone respects your boundaries, and when you are able to have a successful conversation about something deep, you naturally will feel safer and you’ll be more willing to have deeper conversations. Vulnerability is the only way to create deeper vulnerability. And when your spouse opens up to you, your response will tell him whether or not it’s safe enough for him to open up to you next time.

Christian Marriage Counseling: Supporting Your Journey Toward Vulnerability

Christian marriage counseling is a great way to learn how to embrace vulnerability and openness without compromising your values. You will get to not only improve the communication and friendship within your relationship, but you’ll develop a deeper level of trust for one another. You’ll learn how to become a much better listener, how to process through your emotions easier, and how to repair when things go left. Marriage isn’t necessarily perfect every day, but you’ll know what to do so that you’re not at war every day. Therapy is a great way for highly sensitive women to practice vulnerability in a safe, nonjudgmental way.

Let go of the fear and embrace the power of vulnerability in your marriage. Reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling and take the first step toward a more open and connected relationship. Click here to schedule your free consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Communicating with Care: A Guide for Black Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Effective Communication Matters in Christian Marriages

Every good marriage is rooted in vulnerability and deep connection. Without vulnerability, there really is no true path to a deep connection. When there is strong, open and assertive communication, it fosters even more intimacy, it builds trust and creates unity in your marriage. Great communication in Christian marriages does not mean that you will never disagree or have bad times. It just means that you will be able to talk it out, work together and get through challenges together as a unit.

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, you may perceive emotional nuances from your partner as something different from what they actually mean. Although you are great at reading body language and feeling the emotions of others strongly, it is still important to communicate with your partner about your interpretation of his body language and emotions.

For example, you might walk into the room and notice that your partner has a big frown on his face. He doesn’t notice you walking into the room. You think to yourself, “He must be mad at me.” If you react based on what you think, it might cause a huge misunderstanding. However, if you simply ask him “Is everything alright?” Then he might let you know “I’m not upset at all. I’m just watching this really intriguing documentary. I didn’t realize I was frowning.”

See? Crisis averted. A little communication and clarification goes a long way.

Understanding High Sensitivity in Relationships: What You Need to Know

According to Dr Elaine Aron (an expert and researcher of high sensitivity), high sensitivity can be explained in four parts.

Depth of processing: You take in information from around you and process it deeply. For example, you might think ten steps ahead of others or it might take you a while to make a decision because you think through as many possibilities as you can.

Overstimulation: You can feel a lot of stress in high pressure situations and because your mind processes so deeply, it generally can be overwhelming for you.

Empathy: You have a deep sense of empathy for others and might even feel as if you can feel the emotions of others.

Sensory sensitivity: You can be easily overhwlemend by external stimuli such as textures, lights, sounds and even tastes.

Please note that high sensitivity does not equal fragility or softness. And it is not a disorder. It is simply just the way you are wired. High sensitivity could impact your emotional responses because you might get more tired or overwhelmed than your spouse in certain situations. And the things that impact you might not necessarily impact him. If both you and him do not have a clear understanding of high sensitivity, small things can cause arguments. You might feel upset because the lights ar too bright for you, but your husband barely even notices. Or the music feels too piercing, but it’s just right for your husband. Good communication helps this.

It is important to be able to express your needs clearly to your spouse and also to be able to accommodate his needs. Remember that he is not a mind reader. He cannot guess what works for you. If you need alone time, then say that. It you are overstimulated, let him know. It’s also important to note that hunger, tiredness and sickness really do affect your reactions. So do not have difficult conversations when you are hungry, sick or tired. Wait till you feel good.

Sometimes you might be viewed by your spouse as ‘Overreacting’ when you try to address your feelings. It is important to continue to express yourself despite this. And sometimes you might be tempted to people please, brush things under the rug or suppress your feelings. Know that your feelings matter too.

Conflict Resolution Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

When you are in a disagreement with your spouse, if things get too overwhelming for you or the conversation is at an impasse, ask for a time out. Go to a different room and do something distracting or relaxing to take your mind off things. You can journal, take deep breaths, take a nap if you can, or just do something random like house chores. Spend at least 30 minutes cooling down.

When you return to your spouse after at least 30 minutes, take turns listening to each other. Both of you need to be empathetic. The goal is to understand each other-not to convince each other. Ask him follow up questions to ensure that you truly understand his point of view. Then have him do the same for you. Get to know his feelings and why he feels the way he does. And vice versa.

After you both understand each other and feel heard, then you can apologize if need be, take responsibility, then brainstorm possible solutions together. Ask each other what you could each do differently if the situation were to arise in the future. Then each of you pick an action plan for the future.

How to Express Your Needs as a Sensitive Woman Without Guilt

Expressing your emotional and physical needs is so important in a relationship, because it is a way to help you feel validated, safe and loved. Without this, you might end up feeling hurt and resentful. As a highly sensitive person, you might have felt invalidated or had your needs dismissed for most of your life. So you’ve learned how to pretend like your emotions are not real. This is a pattern that must break in your marriage.

A good way to frame your needs in your marriage is by using this easy template;

I am feeling [insert feeling word], because of [use ‘I’ statement to talk about the situation]. What I need is [include specific need. Make this an action item for your spouse].

For example, “I feel tired because I have been working under bright lights all day. What I need is a bit of alone time to recharge.”

See? Easy.

Ask for what you need, because your husband cannot read your mind.

Balancing Listening and Speaking for Healthier Conversations

Listening is probably the most important part of communication. Because when you listen actively, you are better able to understand the other person’s point of view. Good listeners are able to ask great clarifying questions, understand the emotions of their spouses better and just generally avoid confusion and miscommunication. Good listening is also a great way to help your spouse feel important.

When emotions are running high, take a deep breath, but focus on understanding your partner’s point of view. I know this might sound unfair, but your spouse will eventually start to bounce off you and become a better listener too.

The easiest way to balance speaking and listening when having difficult conversations, is the speaker/listener format that I referenced in the previous heading. You can even take notes if you need to. Yes. I’m serious! After you’ve heard what your spouse has to say, report back to him what you heard him say. Then it’s his turn to correct you or affirm that what you heard was accurate.

Once you’re done, he has to do the same for you. This fosters an environment of love and respect.

Are you a Black woman navigating the challenges of communication in marriage? Explore Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who specializes in helping highly sensitive women like you find balance and connection.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage

Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.

Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.

If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad.

How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive

During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.

When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.

1. Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.

2. Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.

3. Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.

4. Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.

   Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Sensitive Women

   Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:

   • No name calling

   • No cussing

   • No yelling

   • No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.

     You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.

   • Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.

     One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.

     Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.

     Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples

   Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.

   When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.

   During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.

   After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?

   How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations

   As a Christian marriage counselor, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.

Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How Highly Sensitive People Can Set Clear Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty.

Why Saying ‘No’ Feels So Hard: The Struggle of High-Performing, Highly Sensitive Women

When you are a high achieving, highly sensitive woman, it is very difficult to say ‘no’ in your personal relationships. Sometimes you know that your energy is completely spent, but you feel extremely guilty just at the thought of saying no.

Because of your deep level of overthinking as well as the deep amounts of empathy that you possess, you feel like you owe people your efforts and energy because you are so good at helping people. “If I can help them, what’s the harm in doing so? Why should I turn them away?”

And so when you have times when you have to walk away from the needs of others, you feel very guilty. You might even find yourself helping others while putting your own needs on the back burner. The problem with this is that you become the go to person or the super woman who people think can always figure things out- which can cause you to feel internally frustrated.

Another problem is that sometimes you say ‘yes’ to their requests, but you secretly resent your loved ones because in your mind you my think, “She knew I was tired and that I am completely spent, so why is she still asking for my help?”

There's constantly this push and pull between wanting to help and needing to protect your own energy. This is especially true for highly sensitive women who do not have a whole lot of bandwidth. What do I mean by this? This means that when you juggle a whole lot of tasks and responsibilities, by the end of the day you feel completely overstimulated, tired, frustrated and maybe even unable to focus on sleep. This means that the difficulty in saying ‘no’ is actually costing you your emotional health.

Brainspotting for Boundary Setting: How Therapy Can Help You Find Your Inner ‘No’

One of my favorite things to do in my trauma therapy practice in Houston, is to help highly sensitive and deeply emotionally attuned women finally find their inner ‘no.’ It is possible for you to set clear boundaries and still have a good balance between taking care of your own emotional needs, while supporting your loved ones. You see, when your loved ones know that you have solid, healthy boundaries, after a while they will have no choice but to adjust to you.

It shifts you from the role of enabler to the role of chief supporter of your loved ones. Your loved ones will finally learn to take a moment to try to help themselves first before they jump on the phone to call you. They will learn how to think for themselves and find solutions for themselves before tapping into you. This is a win-win for everyone.

But before you can notice behavioral change, the change has to first of all start in your mind. Particularly in your actual brain. Through Brainspotting therapy in Houston, we work on releasing some of the guilt and anxiety that you have around boundary setting. We identify some of the emotional blocks and areas of ‘stuckness’ that have been hardwired into you. Once your body has been able to process, digest and then release these emotional blocks, they no longer have you in a chokehold.

You will then find that it is so much easier to know how you are feeling around boundary setting, identify the boundaries that are healthy for you and then go one more step by communicating exactly what the boundaries are. You can become a communication ninja who is able to be both assertive and kind. Yes, it is possible.

People-Pleasing vs. Personal Power: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Set Loving Boundaries

One of the struggles I see in my Houston therapy practice is that a lot of my highly sensitive female clients often struggle with the need to please others. They want people to be happy with them, they want to be liked and they do not like to ruffle feathers. They also do not enjoy having difficult conversations in their personal relationships. They want to be seen as the good, kind woman. And most of my clients are indeed the good, kind woman.

But the problem with people pleasing is that you always find yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Sometimes, even your loved ones who might come off as having the best of intentions, will sometimes take advantage of your kind nature. And so the question becomes, “How do I maintain personal power in my relationships?”

The first thing to ask yourself when you are creating boundaries is “How do I feel about the situation?” Use feeling words like ‘Happy, confused, disrespected, sad, overlooked, invisible.’ This can help you really pinpoint what is going on for you internally.

Next, ask yourself “How do I want to feel about the situation?” Use another feeling word like ‘Empowered, strong, happy, respected, important.’

Now that you know the outcome that you want, it is time to identify what you need.

For example, if you want to feel empowered, then you might need to have your voice be heard. A simple way to state what you need is by using this simple formula:

I feel [insert emotion word] about [insert situation], what I need is [insert need here].

Spend some time practicing this formula until you feel confident about it. Once you feel a little bit more confident about it, then it is time to communicate it to your loved one. Remember that boundary setting does not happen overnight, it is some thing that you get better at as you practice more and more.

Boundaries Without the Guilt: How to Say ‘No’ and Still Feel Like the Amazing Woman You Are

Setting firm boundaries in your personal relationships will actually create closeness in those relationships. If you are in relationships with people who care about you and respect you, they actually want to ensure that your boundaries are protected. They care about your well-being, and so they will be willing to listen to you when you tell them what is hurtful versus what can empower you.

Sometimes when you set boundaries, you might feel like you're letting others down. But remember that you cannot be all things to all people all the time. There will be times when you cannot meet the needs of others because your needs are not being met or because you're simply too tired. Sometimes your schedule is just so full that you cannot accommodate everybody else. You are not a martyr. It is important that your needs are met and your feelings are treated as important too.

And so when you start to set boundaries, remind yourself that it is OK to let others down sometimes. It is also OK that your needs be met as well. Boundary setting helps people understand what your need are and it helps them be there for you. That also creates a level of vulnerability. Without vulnerability there is not true, deep connection with our loved ones.

Stop the Overwhelm: How Brainspotting Helps High-Performing Women Set Clear Boundaries

One of my favorite things about Brainspotting therapy in Houston is that it actually helps to calm your nervous system by giving highly sensitive women the clarity and confidence they need to set boundaries that protect their emotional well-being. When you know that you were able to speak up for yourself and set good boundaries, you feel so much more comfortable in your own skin. You feel like you're able to protect yourself from the big, bad world. Your loved ones also know how to meet you at the point of your need, so you know longer have to wear the cape of superwoman. Brainspotting provides so much clarity and you begin to notice behavioral and relational patterns that you did not even know were there. When you know these patterns, you are at a better position to fix them.

Ready to set boundaries without the guilt? Try Brainspotting Therapy in Houston! Brainspotting can help you find emotional clarity, set boundaries, and maintain healthy personal relationships—all while thriving in your high-achieving lifestyle. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation call today and find out if Brainspotting therapy in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.