How Highly Sensitive People Can Set Clear Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty.
Why Saying ‘No’ Feels So Hard: The Struggle of High-Performing, Highly Sensitive Women
When you are a high achieving, highly sensitive woman, it is very difficult to say ‘no’ in your personal relationships. Sometimes you know that your energy is completely spent, but you feel extremely guilty just at the thought of saying no.
Because of your deep level of overthinking as well as the deep amounts of empathy that you possess, you feel like you owe people your efforts and energy because you are so good at helping people. “If I can help them, what’s the harm in doing so? Why should I turn them away?”
And so when you have times when you have to walk away from the needs of others, you feel very guilty. You might even find yourself helping others while putting your own needs on the back burner. The problem with this is that you become the go to person or the super woman who people think can always figure things out- which can cause you to feel internally frustrated.
Another problem is that sometimes you say ‘yes’ to their requests, but you secretly resent your loved ones because in your mind you my think, “She knew I was tired and that I am completely spent, so why is she still asking for my help?”
There's constantly this push and pull between wanting to help and needing to protect your own energy. This is especially true for highly sensitive women who do not have a whole lot of bandwidth. What do I mean by this? This means that when you juggle a whole lot of tasks and responsibilities, by the end of the day you feel completely overstimulated, tired, frustrated and maybe even unable to focus on sleep. This means that the difficulty in saying ‘no’ is actually costing you your emotional health.
Brainspotting for Boundary Setting: How Therapy Can Help You Find Your Inner ‘No’
One of my favorite things to do in my trauma therapy practice in Houston, is to help highly sensitive and deeply emotionally attuned women finally find their inner ‘no.’ It is possible for you to set clear boundaries and still have a good balance between taking care of your own emotional needs, while supporting your loved ones. You see, when your loved ones know that you have solid, healthy boundaries, after a while they will have no choice but to adjust to you.
It shifts you from the role of enabler to the role of chief supporter of your loved ones. Your loved ones will finally learn to take a moment to try to help themselves first before they jump on the phone to call you. They will learn how to think for themselves and find solutions for themselves before tapping into you. This is a win-win for everyone.
But before you can notice behavioral change, the change has to first of all start in your mind. Particularly in your actual brain. Through Brainspotting therapy in Houston, we work on releasing some of the guilt and anxiety that you have around boundary setting. We identify some of the emotional blocks and areas of ‘stuckness’ that have been hardwired into you. Once your body has been able to process, digest and then release these emotional blocks, they no longer have you in a chokehold.
You will then find that it is so much easier to know how you are feeling around boundary setting, identify the boundaries that are healthy for you and then go one more step by communicating exactly what the boundaries are. You can become a communication ninja who is able to be both assertive and kind. Yes, it is possible.
People-Pleasing vs. Personal Power: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Set Loving Boundaries
One of the struggles I see in my Houston therapy practice is that a lot of my highly sensitive female clients often struggle with the need to please others. They want people to be happy with them, they want to be liked and they do not like to ruffle feathers. They also do not enjoy having difficult conversations in their personal relationships. They want to be seen as the good, kind woman. And most of my clients are indeed the good, kind woman.
But the problem with people pleasing is that you always find yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Sometimes, even your loved ones who might come off as having the best of intentions, will sometimes take advantage of your kind nature. And so the question becomes, “How do I maintain personal power in my relationships?”
The first thing to ask yourself when you are creating boundaries is “How do I feel about the situation?” Use feeling words like ‘Happy, confused, disrespected, sad, overlooked, invisible.’ This can help you really pinpoint what is going on for you internally.
Next, ask yourself “How do I want to feel about the situation?” Use another feeling word like ‘Empowered, strong, happy, respected, important.’
Now that you know the outcome that you want, it is time to identify what you need.
For example, if you want to feel empowered, then you might need to have your voice be heard. A simple way to state what you need is by using this simple formula:
I feel [insert emotion word] about [insert situation], what I need is [insert need here].
Spend some time practicing this formula until you feel confident about it. Once you feel a little bit more confident about it, then it is time to communicate it to your loved one. Remember that boundary setting does not happen overnight, it is some thing that you get better at as you practice more and more.
Boundaries Without the Guilt: How to Say ‘No’ and Still Feel Like the Amazing Woman You Are
Setting firm boundaries in your personal relationships will actually create closeness in those relationships. If you are in relationships with people who care about you and respect you, they actually want to ensure that your boundaries are protected. They care about your well-being, and so they will be willing to listen to you when you tell them what is hurtful versus what can empower you.
Sometimes when you set boundaries, you might feel like you're letting others down. But remember that you cannot be all things to all people all the time. There will be times when you cannot meet the needs of others because your needs are not being met or because you're simply too tired. Sometimes your schedule is just so full that you cannot accommodate everybody else. You are not a martyr. It is important that your needs are met and your feelings are treated as important too.
And so when you start to set boundaries, remind yourself that it is OK to let others down sometimes. It is also OK that your needs be met as well. Boundary setting helps people understand what your need are and it helps them be there for you. That also creates a level of vulnerability. Without vulnerability there is not true, deep connection with our loved ones.
Stop the Overwhelm: How Brainspotting Helps High-Performing Women Set Clear Boundaries
One of my favorite things about Brainspotting therapy in Houston is that it actually helps to calm your nervous system by giving highly sensitive women the clarity and confidence they need to set boundaries that protect their emotional well-being. When you know that you were able to speak up for yourself and set good boundaries, you feel so much more comfortable in your own skin. You feel like you're able to protect yourself from the big, bad world. Your loved ones also know how to meet you at the point of your need, so you know longer have to wear the cape of superwoman. Brainspotting provides so much clarity and you begin to notice behavioral and relational patterns that you did not even know were there. When you know these patterns, you are at a better position to fix them.
Ready to set boundaries without the guilt? Try Brainspotting Therapy in Houston! Brainspotting can help you find emotional clarity, set boundaries, and maintain healthy personal relationships—all while thriving in your high-achieving lifestyle. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation call today and find out if Brainspotting therapy in Houston is right for you.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.