Long day? Here's how to vent to your spouse and get the support you need in marriage-Tips from a marriage therapist in Houston

One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.

Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.

What most couples say they do when I see them in marriage counseling in Houston is they come home from work, or they have a long day, they have all this pent up stress inside them, but they have no place to put it. They do this same dance over and over again until it creates emotional separation between them.

When you are frustrated and stressed, but do not accurately communicate that with your spouse, it ends up looking like you are rejecting your spouse. If you are worried about how to effectively communicate with your spouse when you are having a bad or stressful day, here are some easy steps for you:

1) Pick the right time

Timing is everything when it comes to communication. Ensure that neither you nor your spouse are feeling emotionally charged before you have this conversation. If you need to take a few moments to relax or unwind first, then do so.

2) Decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener

This sounds awfully formal, but it’s a lot easier than it sounds. While there is room for both of you to talk about your stress, it is a lot easier if you take turns. This will ensure that each person gets the attention and support they need.

The speaker’s job is easy. All you have to do is speak to your spouse about the stress you are going through. That’s it. In this framework, the listener does all the hard work.

3) The listener needs to stick to these simple rules

Most married people think they are great listeners, but you know what? Most people suck at listening. After you learn this framework in my Houston marriage counseling practice, you’ll realize we all have room to grow.

Here are some simple rules when it comes to listening.

• Maintain eye contact and show interest. Ask questions to get more details about what your spouse is experiencing.

• Ensure your partner knows that you are on his side. Do not take the side of whomever he is complaining about. This might be challenging for you, but just bite your tongue.

• Remember that you are on the same team. This is not the time to correct or challenge your spouse.

• Be empathetic. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to imagine how he is feeling.

4) reflect back what you are hearing

To be a good listener in marriage, it’s important that you first understand what you are hearing. An easy way to know if you have heard correctly, is to simply repeat what you’ve heard.

Yup. Repeat exactly what your spouse has said word for word.

If your spouse corrects you, take note and just repeat what you’ve heard again. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.

5) Ask your spouse what he needs

Once you have gone through this entire process, ask your spouse if he needs your advice or if he just wants to vent. This is important because often times, we skip the empathy and jump right to advice. But sometimes, your spouse isn’t looking for your advice. He just wants a listening ear.

And there you have it. A simple formula to help you vent and reduce stress with your spouse.

Is communication strained in your marriage?As a marriage therapist in Houston, I can help you and your spouse develop healthier ways to support each other. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Here’s why going to marriage counseling in Houston is so much better than just talking to your friends

Why marriage counseling is better than just talking to your friends

Did you know that the average couple typically waits 6 years before seeking the help of a marriage counselor or marriage therapist? That means couples notice a problem, but they try to fight through it for 6 years!

Do you know what can happen in 6 years? You can watch your newborn become old enough to successfully start the first grade. You can get a bachelor’s degree AND a master’s degree. In 6 years you can also grow the most amazing friendship with your spouse.

But if you do not play your cards right, in 6 years you could completely watch your marriage deteriorate without the support and guidance of a trained Houston licensed marriage and family therapist.

But because most people do not understand the value of marriage counseling, they defer to self- help books (which aren’t totally bad), videos, reels and the advice from friends (who may or may not know how to actually help your marriage).

Let’s talk further about why you’re much better off attending marriage counseling in Houston than confiding in your well meaning friends.

Not all your friends are well meaning

First of all, not all your friends mean well or have enough knowledge to actually help your marriage grow. Some of your friends are amazing people who are skilled in business or parenting, but behind closed doors, their own marriages suck. So they’ll give you the same sucky advice they’ve been implementing at home and your marriage will become a dumpster fire. Some friends will give you bad advice on purpose, while others genuinely mean well, but their approach to marriage will worsen your situation.

Your friends are biased

Friends typically are one sided. They feel the need to stand by you at all costs. That means if you’re doing something wrong in your marriage, they won’t feel comfortable telling you that you’re doing something wrong. They watch you make missteps, but they don’t say anything. They also will nod and smile at you every time you complain to them about your spouse, but they don’t actually correct you. 

But when you’re in couples counseling in Houston, on the other hand, your therapist is skilled in the art of pointing out harmful behavior and gently correcting you. So you actually leave each session having accomplished something great for your marriage.

Your friends don't know your family dynamics

Your lovely friends do not know the impact that your upbringing and your husband’s upbringing play in your relationship. All they see are the current behaviors within your household and they will give you advice based on that. That’s an incomplete picture.

I, on the other hand, approach marriage counseling in Houston from a holistic approach. I take the environment and family that you and your spouse were raised into consideration when I support you. We work to strengthen patterns that are working and fix patterns that are broken. Can your friends do that?

Your friends aren't professionally trained

Your friends don’t know the right questions to ask. They only know what you’ve told them. And let’s be honest, most of us do not tell our friends about the shenanigans that we pull with our spouses. We sugar coat our stories to make ourselves look better. So when you go to your friends for marriage advice, they have no clue what they should actually be saying to help you.

Your friends don't know the signs of a mental health diagnosis

Your friends often do not know the difference between typical marital issues and marital issues that arise as a result of a mental health diagnosis. Let’s be honest, most people wouldn’t know what anxiety, depression or ADHD looked like if it slapped them in the face. But a trained, specialized marriage counselor in Houston will not only help you improve your marriage relationship, but they can actually work with you to help manage your mental health. It’s a two for one.

The next time you are tempted to pick up your phone to call or text a friend to complain about your struggling marriage, ask yourself if that’s actually a wise decision.

If you are finally ready to break your 6-year marriage turmoil streak and have a marriage that feels easy, is filled with laughter and great communication, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. 

Marriage counseling in Houston (I also provide marriage counseling to people in the Temecula, Murrieta CA area) can end your awful 6 year streak.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Why married moms are so exhausted (And how husbands can better support them)

One of the biggest struggles I see in my Houston couples counseling practice, is that women feel overworked and overburdened. If your wife consistently has been feeling overwhelmed, here are some ways you can better support her. It’s not just great for her, it’ll boost your marriage relationship.

Here are some reasons why married moms feel disconnected from their spouses.

1) Moms are carrying too much of the mental load

Even among couples who divide the domestic work, moms typically are responsible for way too much. Even though both the husband and the wife might cook, clean, grocery shop and pick kids up from school, working married moms still have significantly more to think about. This increase in mental load could create resentment and exhaustion.

News flash! Exhaustion is NOT sexy in your marriage.

What exactly do I mean by ‘carrying too much of the mental load?’ Let’s take the kids’ education for example. Even though I see lots of dads in the pickup line at school (which is great), in addition to school pickup, moms are usually responsible for:

• Doing research on the best schools for your kids to attend

• Actually filling out the paperwork so your kids can attend school

• Ordering uniforms, school clothes and supplies

• Ensuring the kids are fed in the morning before school and that they are on time for school

• Helping kids with homework and projects

• Doing research about extracurricular activities

• Signing the kids up for these activities

• Following up with teachers and coaches about their kids’ performance, and the list goes on and on.

  So while dads are picking and dropping kids off, moms are responsible for at least 9 more activities. And that is in just 1 area of life alone.

  If mom is working outside of the home, she has to do this in addition to her job. Might I also add that mom is usually the go to contact in school? So teachers will email or text moms before even thinking about reaching out to dad.

After dealing with stuff like this, women will feel quite under appreciated and exhausted. Can you imagine how this can negatively impact your marriage?

How to support her:

In my Houston marriage counseling practice, I encourage couples to have regular conversations about the division of labor in the household. Although it might seem like things are fair, moms are carrying much more emotional labor than they need to. Dads should make it clear to the school that they are a valuable point of contact regarding kids’ behavior and ongoing school activities.

This conversation should also be had regarding other areas in the household such as domestic chores, healthcare, managing money, etc.

2) some husbands are not checking in on their wives enough

Moms are typically the backbone of the household. The kids go to her for everything- even when dad is sitting right next to the kids. While this can seem so lovely and it’s definitely a blessing, it’s overwhelming for many moms.

While some dads might think moms are just naturally better at this kind of stuff, it’s just a myth. Moms only become ‘better at kid stuff’ because they are often the default. As moms listen to and problem solve with the kids all day, it sends the message that mom is the go to for anything child-related or domestic.

And as mom is taking care of these activities, she often feels alone. She has to juggle her career, attending to the needs of the kids, focusing in the other relationships in her life and trying to be a great wife.

Often times women will check in with their husbands during the day to ensure that they have everything they need to be successful. But who checks up on women? It is sometimes assumed that because moms are able to juggle so many tasks, they don’t need emotional and physical support.

How to support her:

When kids are sitting right next to you, but they ask mom for help, redirect them back to you. It’s important that dads are established as a valid resource in the household. You don’t have to wait until you get to couples cousneling to do this (although marriage counseling is a great place to have this conversation too). Remember that moms aren’t intrinsically better at domestic duritess or child rearing activities. Moms only become good at these activities because they have a lot of practice in this area.

If dads intentionally engage within the household, they too will become so much better and more capable. It’s a win win because mom will have some stress off her back, and dads relationship with the kids will improve.

3) moms don’t get much of a break

Moms often do not get much of a break. After spending all day at work, they have to come back home to kids who need their attention, a pile of laundry, they have to figure out what’s for dinner, and they still have to meet the emotional needs of their husband and kids.

By the end of the night, they are emotionally drained and completely overwhelmed. This does not leave a lot of mental space for them to chase their own dreams, put their feet up or just feel calm. This also takes a toll on their marriage too because by the time the day is over, they don’t have anything else to give.

How to support her:

Normalize having regular check ins with your wife. Never assume that the status quo is working well for her. Periodically, ask her how’s she’s feeling, what she needs and how you can best support her. Make this a two way conversation so she knows how you would like support too. When she knows that you see her and validate her feelings, she’ll trust you more and feel closer to you.

4)You stopped dating her when you said “I do.”

Marriage is a continuous dance. You have to keep dating and getting to know each other for the rest of your lives. Typically, both parties spend a lot of time together during the dating phase and a bit into the first year of marriage, but once the kids come, the marriage usually takes the backseat to domestic responsibilities.

Date night goes out of the window, you stop telling her how pretty she is, words of affirmation are nonexistent, and before you know it, you’re trapped in a roommate/coworker situation.

How to support her:

Intentionally plan date nights and outings. Marriage is a continued process of change and excitement. Don’t be boring. Embrace adventure and novelty in your marriage. Find new places to visit together, watch new shows together, try to find new interests and invite excitement into your marriage. Many moms feel like being a mom is their only identity. They feel a sense of loss of self and they struggle to find who they are again.

And even if you’r not able to go on adventures together, plan quality time within your home or around your neighborhood.

If you are ready to learn how to finally support each in your marriage, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Houston is right for you. You can actually have a blissful marriage. It doesn't have to be so hard.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help married couples in Houston learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps and find out more about marriage counseling in Houston, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation call.

5 Romantic date ideas to rekindle the spark in your marriage

Dates are important in a marriage. They help refresh your memory about why you fell in love with each other. Dates also cut through the dull, mundane couples therapy in Houston. It helps you escape everyday chores and responsibilities. You can be wrapped up in your world for a few hours.

You must continue to pursue one another. If not, things get stale.

And if the idea of planning a date scares you, breathe. Dates should tailor to the interests of you and your spouse. And these dates don't have to be surprised either; simply plan them together to avoid disappointment.

Here are five romantic date ideas that you and your spouse can try.

1) For food lovers: Take a culinary tour

This one is best for couples who are food. A great way to get to know other cultures is through their food. Find a mom-and-pop or traditional restaurant that serves some sort of exotic or unfamiliar cuisine. 

If you're feeling particularly explorative, you can hit 2 or 3 different restaurants, hole-in-the-wall shops, or food trucks in 1 day- hence the title "culinary tour.".

A culinary tour can cover different regions of a single country or numerous countries' cuisine in a single day. Only an empty stomach and an open mind are required.

2) For travel lovers and Wanderers: Explore a city or country that you've both been itching to go to

You and your spouse can receive your passports and travel now that the crossings are reopened. Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

If the thought of jet setting isn't an excellent idea for you, Houston relationship therapy starts by exploring a part of your city that you've never gotten a chance to explore. Or explore a nearby city or state. You learn so much more about each other when you're both wonderstruck.

 Road trips, day trips, or staycations can help scratch the traveling itch. It can also have you feeling like you're a college kid again.

3) For art lovers: Do an art tour.

There are numerous things to do here. You can take a painting class together. You can explore pottery making and glassblowing; you can visit a museum. Spend time learning about your favourite artists.

This can spark some rich conversation.

4) For creatives: Get the juices flowing.

If you are creative, do something that feels out of the box. You can join a book club and engage in knowledge sharing. You can also go to an escape room and enjoy teamwork. 

It can even involve watching a documentary that sparks some intellectual conversation.

Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

5) For nature lovers: Go outside.

Go on a hike, take a botany class together. To learn how to make flower arrangements, go to the botanical gardens, the aquarium, or an animal shelter together. 

 Dates do not have to be cliche or boring. Try new things all the time and see the world together.

Couples counseling Houston helps married couples improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution if they want to learn how to communicate effectively with their husband or wife. Click to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse after a big fight

Although most people pretend that their marriage is a bed of roses, we all know that arguments are a part of marriage. What are you supposed to do when your spouse drives you completely nuts? Here are some simple steps that you can take after you and your spouse have had a huge fight or a horrible disagreement.

Take a time out to cool off

After a huge blowout or disagreement in your marriage, it is important for both of you to go to your respective corners. Go cool off, listen to some music, take a walk, take a shower, pray- do someone else to distract yourself from the volcano of emotions that are surging inside you.

During this time out, your goal is to cool off. So, no thinking about how awful your husband is (you know you have those thoughts, but I won’t judge you). No cursing him out under your breath (you know you do that also). Just cool off by focusing on something else.

Schedule a time to talk with your spouse

After you feel like you've been able to sort through your feelings, and calm down, reach out to your spouse and make an appointment. Appointments don’t sound sexy, but this will ensure that both of you can talk at a time in which neither of you is busy or distracted.

Before you have this conversation, know that the goal of the conversation is NOT to prove that you’re right. It’s to get over the hump and prevent this issue from rearing its ugly head in the future.

Got it?

Start with talking about your feelings (or your spouse’s feelings)

Before we dive in, note that I utilize the Gottman Method for couples therapy. It’s research backed and it works!)

Let’s jump in.

In this conversation, there has to be a speaker and a listener. The listener’s job is to listen, understand and empathize with the speaker. It’s an active process. You can’t be a good listener while actively cursing your spouse out in your head or trying to come up with reasons why he’s wrong.

Use actual feeling words like angry, sad, upset, lonely, etc. This helps your spouse better understand what is going on in your mind. Here’s a link to the feelings wheel to help you pinpoint your emotions.

When your spouse talks about his feelings, simply listen. Don’t try to talk about yours until he’s done with his role as speaker. Also, do not try to convince him that his feelings are false.

Talk about your perspective on the issue

Summarize what you think happened during the argument. Stick to “I” statements. Try not to blame him or point the finger.

Here’s an example of a good “I” statement:

“Earlier today, when we came into the house, I felt ignored when I saw you on the phone.”

Here’s a bad example of an “I” statement:

“Earlier today when we came into the house, you were ignoring me as usual by staring at your stupid phone. You’re addicted to the phone and you have a problem.”

Talk about what triggered you during the incident or leading up to the incident

Arguments often happen because of unmet needs or triggers. So this is your opportunity to invite your spouse into your internal world. Avoid assuming that “He should know” what bugs you.

Perhaps you were already tired. Maybe you felt ignored. Maybe you had to remind him for the 7th time.

Let him know your triggers, but say it nicely.

Acknowledge your role in the communication breakdown

Talk about at least 1 thing you did to increase the miscommunication. Maybe you snapped. Maybe you were impatient. Maybe you jumped to conclusions.

Here’s the time for self reflection.

What can your spouse do to prevent this from happening in the future?

Watch your tone here. Be respectful but honest. Let him know what he can do differently next time so that he does not push your buttons.

The best marriages come from a place of humility, hardwork and a willingness to listen.

If you’re ready to move your marriage from a place or constant disagreements, to a place of great communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I am a Black marriage therapist in Houston who provides couples counseling throughout Texas and California. I also provide Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

7 validation statements that could seriously save your marriage

Validation is a skill that very few people truly understand. I see it every time during couples counseling in Houston. However, it is actually such an important skill when it comes to connecting with your spouse in marriage. In my couples therapy sessions in Houston, I often find that couples want to jump from problem, straight to solution. However, the middle ground that is missing is the skill of validation.

So what exactly is validation? According to dictionary.com, validation is “Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

Notice that it doesn’t state that you have to completely understand the other person’s point of view. It also does not state that you have to completely agree with their point of view. It is simply just recognizing that their feelings are worthwhile and valid.

What role does validation play in a marriage?

It helps your spouse feel seen and heard. And when your spouse feels seen and heard, they are more likely to feel connected to you.

So how do you validate in marriage?

Simply work to acknowledge that what your spouse is feeling is real. Don’t just think it, say it out loud to them.

Here are 7 simple statements you can say to your spouse when they are having a big emotion or both of you are involved in a disagreement:

1) I can see that you’re experiencing a big emotion, tell me more about what’s going on for you.

2) I can totally understand how that could feel difficult for you.

3) I can see why you feel that way.

4) That sounds very difficult.

5) How can I support you?

6) Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?

7) I see you’re [insert emotion here], how can I support you?

As you can see, these statements are not very long or complicated. When next your spouse is showing a big emotion like anger, sadness, hurt, pain or disappointment, take a moment to help them understand that you see and hear them.

If you are ready to learn how to connect intimately with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me. I provide marriage counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.