Important Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Therapist | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Why Choosing the Right Marriage Therapist is Key to a Successful Relationship

Therapy is becoming more and more important, because people are realizing that a little professional help does not hurt. Going to marriage therapy is not a sign that things are necessarily exploding in your marriage, rather, going to couples therapy is just a sign that the both of you are willing to learn, change, and make things better as a unit. One of the important things that marriage therapy will teach you how to do is to create a healthy marriage. Let's face it, many people did not grow up in a healthy family dynamic. Lots of my clients grew up in a single parent environment, so they do not have the luxury of getting to watch a husband and wife communicate in a healthy way.

And of those who grew up in a two parent dynamic, some grew up in a blended family unit, so they did not get to see their biological parents interact in a healthy way. Of those who grew up seeing their parents interact, some saw a lot of unhealthy behavior. So we really don't have a frame of reference for what a healthy marriage should look like. My role as a couples therapist is to show you how to create a healthy family dynamic, regardless of what you experienced as a child.

The wonderful thing about Christian marriage counseling in Houston is that we get to address your unique relationship struggles while keeping Jesus at the center of it all. We cannot ignore your spiritual health. Because marriage is a covenant that was created by God, it makes sense to include Him in the covenant as we try to make things better. As a Christian marriage therapist, I understand the biblical perspective on marriage and it is my job to ensure that we honor that while thinking about your needs and the needs of your spouse.

Now before you run to the Internet and find just any therapist to help you with your marriage, it is important to know that the single most important factor in the success of therapy is the fit between the therapist and the couple. Do not find a therapist who has the most education or experience, find a couples therapist who will be a great fit for you. Think about things such as religious background, age, gender, the therapist’s temperament and personality. All of these things, along with the therapist’s educational background and professional experience will make a therapist uniquely equipped to help you and your spouse. If your marriage therapist is a poor fit with you and your spouse, it just will not work it's a simple as that.

Key Questions to Ask a Marriage Therapist Before Starting Counseling

What’s your license and background?

Before you begin marriage therapy in Houston, it is important that you do your research. Let's start with qualifications. In the state of Texas, and pretty much every state in the United States of America, a marriage and family therapist should have a minimum of a master’s degree, followed by a license in whatever state that they practice in. So before you actually see your therapist, I would advise that you look his or her name up on the state board’s website to ensure that their license is in good standing. It won't hurt. For the state of Texas, the Behavioral Health Executive Council is the board that governs marriage and family therapists. In California, the Board of Behavioral Sciences oversees marriage and family therapists.

What is your therapy style? What methods do you use?

Ask what her therapy style looks like. Ask her how she can help you work through conflict resolution and emotional connection. Keep in mind that there are many different therapy styles, and I don't necessarily think one is necessarily better than the other, but I am partial to the Gottman Method. Because it involves practical tools and skills to help you actually get to the root cause of the problem- so you stop experiencing the same issues over and over again.

In the Gottman method, there are lots of assessments that you have to take before you actually dive into the nitty-gritty of marriage therapy, so we are actually uprooting the problem so that we can rebuild the house. My job is to teach you how the problem began, what each person's role was in creating the problem, and then figure out how to solve or manage the problem.

How often do you see clients?

Married couples typically want to know how long marriage therapy will take. My answer is the same – it depends on you. If both of you are willing to roll up your sleeves and do the work, you will see the results a lot faster and marriage therapy will be short. But if there is push back from one or both partners, then you will not reach your goal quickly. You could ask if sessions will be weekly, biweekly, etc.

How do you manage infidelity and abuse?

If there are deeper issues of abuse and infidelity, it will be important to also ask the couples therapist what her approach will be in resolving that. I have zero tolerance for abuse and infidelity. Because in my opinion, an abusive partner does not take responsibility and I cannot guarantee the safety of the other person. In issues of infidelity, if your loyalty is divided, you do not have what it takes to put all of your effort into the marriage. So couples therapy within that will be a waste.

How much do sessions cost?

Of course it's important to know how much sessions will be so that you can include marriage therapy as part of your monthly budget.

Will my culture be honored?

When you have a conversation with a prospective marriage therapist, make sure you do not ignore issues of cultural background. Because if a therapist really does understand your culture, it plays a large role in how you view your partner and yourself. Ensure that you do not pick a therapist who tries to turn you into a mini version of themselves. Pick a therapist who understands your perspective and is willing to help support your culture rather than turn against you.

The Role of Faith in Christian Marriage Counseling: What to Expect

Our faith typically guides our values, and our values determine the way we think and behave. So when we keep your faith in the center of marriage counseling, it can help to guide the way marriage therapy goes. When we are able to pull scriptures and discuss values, this can help guide your relationship towards deeper intimacy. Because both of you will be able to realize that you do have something in common. When most marriages are in crisis, we feel like we are like two ships passing in the night or like enemies. But faith gives us common ground. And common ground is the greatest path to deeper intimacy. We can both agree about issues of faith.

The benefits of Christian marriage counseling in Houston is it helps you navigate your challenges with grace. While I am not a pastor, it is not my job to indoctrinate you. My style of Christian marriage counseling is simply introducing scriptures that help you connect back to your professed values. And so if you are dealing with different issues, my job is to bring in scriptures that can help guide you and the Holy Spirit can convict the both of you to give you more guidance on the direction to go. While I use very practical worksheets and tools to help you when I am not there with you, the Bible is also a great tool to help remind you of who you are so that you act according to who you have been called to be. Issues of faith will also help with forgiveness, kindness, love and other virtues that help guide a healthy marriage.

What is your Christian background?

And while you and I may not even be of the same Christian denomination, we can both agree that we believe in Jesus and the fruit of the Spirit. Healthy Christian marriages are guided by the fruit of the Spirit. And knowing that you share common ground with your marriage therapist can also help provide support in emotional healing. Imagine how difficult it will be to work with a therapist whom you have the first explain your beliefs to, as opposed to having a sure understanding already. This is why cultural competency is important when you choose a therapist. You may ask your therapist what her faith background is and what herr understanding of Christianity is. That way you know that your values are similar.

How to Know If a Therapist is Right for Your Marriage

If your values do not align with the values of your therapist, things will not work out. Simple things like the role of a husband and a wife, how a couple should treat one another, and expectations within a family system have to be guaranteed. It will feel as if you have to constantly explain yourself or do a lot of educating. You might also feel judged during your session, which will get in the way of your progress.

To take it further, a Black therapist in Houston will understand your unique perspectives. There will be no need for code switching, explaining your cultural background or discussing little nuances. Although you are an individual, and all Black people aren’t the same, there is something to be said for working with a marriage therapist who just gets you. Asking your prospective therapist the right questions helps ensure that your therapist’s approach can fit your specific needs.

Finding the Right Support: Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston for Your Unique Needs

One piece of advice that I often give to prospective clients is to look at marriage therapy as an investment in your future. If you are looking for a therapist, chances are you have tried every resource that is available to you- books, podcasts, advice from friends, etc. And those things haven’t worked. So maybe the logical next step is to work with an individual who can help you get past the hump.

Christian marriage counseling is a great tool to help you address both your emotional and spiritual needs. It’s a great platform to heal past wounds, learn more about yourself and your spouse, and finally gain the skills to maintain healthy friendship, intimacy and communication in your marriage. Instead of running round in circles, feeling frustrated and watching your marriage get worse, it’s time to accept help.

Looking for a marriage therapist in Houston who truly understands your needs and can give you the right support? Schedule a free 15-minute consult for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a trusted Black therapist in Houston today.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

The power of listening: Strengthening communication in Christian marriages

Why Listening is the Key to a Strong Christian Marriage

One of my favorite scriptures is James 1:19 which says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.“ Even though James was not exclusively speaking to a married audience, if we took this advice and implemented it in our marriages, things would look so different. Most people think that they are great listeners, but the truth is most of us are actually poor listeners. When you take your time, suspend judgment, temporarily put your emotions on the shelf, so that you can listen to your spouse, it helps him or her feel important.

When your spouse is offloading something important to you, or even talking about something that he thinks is small, if he knows he will be met with your full attention, and that you’d ask deeper questions about his experience, it increases intimacy, friendship and closeness.

Listening Mistakes

One of the biggest mistakes I see in marriage, is listening long enough to form a judgement and react, rather than listening to truly understand your spouse. This can feel disrespectful to your spouse. It means his point of view is so unimportant that it doesn’t even warrant some deep reflection on your part. You hear what he or she just said, you think on it for 5 milliseconds, then you proceed to state your point of view.

Another listening mistake I notice is responding without fully understanding what your spouse means. Without clarifying questions, you are only responding based off of a guess. But when you clarify, you’re responding off of facts.

But what would happen if you asked more questions? Like:

“Tell me more about what you were just saying.”

“How do you feel about [insert issue]?”

“How can I support you with this?”

“Is there more you want me to know?‘

“Do you feel understood by me? How can I bridge that gap for you?“

When you do all of this, your spouse learns to trust you more. The friendship expands and the emotional safety will also increase in your home.

The Biggest Communication Barriers in Christian Marriages (and How to Overcome Them)

Not Paying Attention

The first step in having good communication is knowing what the barriers are in your home. One big barrier to good communication with your spouse is not actually paying attention. I know this should not have to be stated, but we live in a world in which people look at and interact with their phones more than they interact with their loved ones. On the surface it might not seem like a big deal, but do a little time study. Notice how often you actually look at the face of your spouse versus how much time you spend staring at electronic devices.

Even if you think you are a great multitasker, when someone is speaking to you and you cannot give them your undivided attention, it sends the message that they are unimportant to you. Remove that barrier from your life.

Making Assumptions

Another barrier to great communication is making assumptions. Now, everyone does this. because when we hear a statement, we filter it through our own personalities, experiences and emotions. The only way to accurately know what someone means is to ask them what they mean. Don’t fall into the trap of using their nonverbal behavior to try to interpret their motives. This is a huge barrier to great communication.

Past Emotional Wounds

Barrier number three is emotional wounds which can block healthy dialogue. Perhaps you and your spouse have unhealed wounds which you have inflicted on another. So every time your spouse says something deep to you, you filter it through the lens of your pain. You assume that he will hurt you once again. The way to heal this is to actually discuss the wound, talk through it calmly, then identify how to move past it.

Misunderstanding Each Other

Another barrier to good communication is simple misunderstandings. If you are a highly sensitive person who is married to a non highly sensitive person (which is very likely), he might have a hard time understanding your nuances. And you might find your spouse a bit aloof or harsh. It's a simple fix. Your job is to teach your spouse what it feels like to be highly sensitive. Remember that his brain is wired completely differently from yours, so he interprets the world from his lens- as opposed to yours.

Help him better understand what it feels like to deeply process everything around you, to be so emotionally drained by the end of the day that your body feels exhausted, to spend so much time trying to filter out stimuli that bugs you (stimuli he will never even notice). Or to feel the emotions of others so strongly that you don’t know where you start and they end. Once he better understands your experience, he'll be able to be so much gentler than you. Do not be afraid to ask for what you need because a closed mouth does not get fed.

If it feels like too much of an ask to open up and talk to your spouse about what you need, then perhaps Christian marriage counseling in Houston is the right next step for you. It is my job as a marriage therapist to teach you skills to be able to ask for what you need, know how to listen deeply, strengthen the friendship and intimacy that you once had, and know what to do when persistent problems show up. You will learn to speak in his language and he in turn will speak in yours.

Hello happy, confident marriage!

How to Become a Better Listener (Even When You Feel Unheard)

Sometimes you have to take the lead when it feels like your marriage is in a pit. What I see most often is that in most married relationships, each person is waiting for the other to step up, and no one ends up stepping up. This leads to the marriage just imploding. But what would happen if one of you just decided to take the bull by the horns and do what needs to be done in your marriage?

Here’s how you can take the lead.

One of the ways to improve your listening skills is to take notes when your spouse is talking about something important. This might seem extremely odd, but think about it this way- when you're listening to an important podcast, a sermon, or a business meeting, do you not take notes? You do because you do not want to miss anything. So let your spouse know that you're taking notes because what he saying is very important to you.

Another step is to suspend judgment and emotions. There is room for you to form a conclusion and to have emotions, but when you are listening to your spouse, your job is to truly put yourself in his shoes so that you can understand his perspective. When you understand his perspective, it'll be much easier to come to a joint conclusion than if you were spending your time judging and feeling anger. So think of yourself as a court stenographer. Your job is to note the facts, and your personal opinion can be put on the shelf for now.

Focus on finding out more. Ask about more details, ask about how your spouse feels, the type of support that your spouse might need, whether or not your spouse feels like he needs an apology, ask about how you can make amends so that you can heal the wound, and really get to know what is in his head and on his heart. Let him know that you are here for him and you wish to make things better. When you do this he naturally will want to reciprocate and find out about your perspective. Do not forget to validate his feelings. Validation simply means accepting that his feelings are real. You do not have to agree with his feelings or even understand why he feels the way that he does. It is as simple as saying "I can see why you would feel that way.”

Great communication is based on empathy and patience. If your relationship is currently in a bad place, it might take a while for your spouse to even feel comfortable enough to open up to you and vice versa, but dig your heels in. As long as both of you are willing to work through things and learn how to communicate, things will get better. You will not master the skills in one day, but if you keep trying, things will improve. Please note that I write with the assumption that you are not in an abusive situation. My assumption is that both of you are healthy, and treat each other with love and respect.

As a Black therapist in Houston, one of the things that I do to help Christian couples is help you break away from the dysfunctional inter-generational wounds that have been passed down to you. Chances are you might have come from a family dynamic in which your parents did not always get along, or there was disrespect in the household. My job is to help you heal from that, but also grow away from that. This way you will be passing down intergenerational healing and effective communication skills to your children. You can maintain your cultural values while healing at the same time.

When Words Aren’t Enough: How to Show Your Spouse You’re Truly Listening

If you and your spouse already have a long history of poor communication, your actions have to speak louder than your words. So when your spouse is speaking, it is important not to interrupt him. Let him finish his sentence. Ask further questions so that he knows that you are interested. Eye contact is also important to let him know that he is the most important thing in the room. So put that phone away.

Turn off the TV and put away any other distractions that might be getting in the way. Apologize when you do something wrong and also speak up when you feel like you have been wronged- so that he can give you an apology too. Tone of voice is also important. You can say anything to your spouse, but if you say it in a mean way, chances are he will put a wall up or react negatively. So make sure that you are being gentle. Yes, both men and women need gentleness.

And when it is all said and done, hold hands or do some type of a gesture to help each other feel comforted. Make sure your mind doesn’t wander during an important conversation. If you didn't hear something he said, ask him to repeat himself. But let him know that you are asking so that you don't miss anything.

If you and your spouse are currently in a season where you're actively working to rebuild your marriage, remember that your faith can be a part of it. You can pray together every day as it is a way to not just connect with God, but to also connect with one another. Your Christian faith helps to remind you of your values. You can also commit to having a couples Bible study together. What better way to boost your faith than learning, teaching each other and having the Holy Spirit convict you as a couple? Find a joint activity that will remind you of the good old days. The goal is to rebuild trust and connection with one another.

Strengthen Your Marriage with Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

How professional guidance can transform the way you and your spouse communicate

The benefits of working with a Black therapist in Houston for culturally aligned counseling

The average couple waits for about six years after they realize they have a marital problem before they actually seek help. That is shocking. In six years you can complete both a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree. And if you hustle really badly, you might be in your first year of a PhD program.

In six years the newborn would have already started school. So that is a long time to waste. When you work with a Christian marriage counselor like me, I take all the guesswork out of marriage counseling. Chances are you have read blogs like this one, you have read books, listened to podcasts, prayed, fasted, talked to every friend that you have and you feel so frustrated- because your marriage is still failing.

Because I am a professional who is trained in marriage and relationship dynamics, I am able to see your blind spots. My job is to teach you good communication, how to strengthen your friendship, effective conflict management, how to make your life goals and dreams come true, and how to essentially revive your dying marriage. When you work with a Black therapist in Houston, the counseling is culturally aligned. You do not have to explain to me what your morals and values are. You can still continue to pass down your dreams to your children, and you have the comfort of knowing that you're receiving professional help from someone who looks like you.

Ready to improve communication in your Christian marriage? Schedule a free 15-minute consult for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Embracing Your Sensitivity: Allowing Yourself to Be Soft and Vulnerable in Marriage

The Power of Vulnerability: Why It’s Important for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

Let's first of all start with the word "Soft." Most people don’t love being called soft. Especially if you are a Black highly sensitive woman. Chances are that all of your life you've been told that you are too soft, you cry too much, you care too much, you think about things too much, you do too much, you are too much, or you are too sensitive. And so you've spent a good portion of your life trying to mask your true self. What is important is that we reclaim the word ‘soft,’ because soft is the reason why you are able to connect with people around you. Your softness is the reason why you can connect with your kids, why you’re trustworthy and why people feel safe around you.

It’s the same thing in marriage. If you always put a wall up or your armor on, your husband will never get to know the real you. As a Black therapist in Houston, I see this time and time again. If he doesn't get to know the real you, he'll have a hard time trusting you. Think about it this way- it is hard for you to trust a stranger. If you go to a store every day and you see the same cashier every day, without actually knowing details about her life, it is difficult for you to trust hr with important things. You might trust her to check out your groceries, but you most certainly wouldn't trust her to pick your kids up from school. Because you do not in fact know her.

In the same way, when your spouse barely knows who you are, it also makes it difficult for you to trust him, because there is no actual emotional intimacy in your marriage. Please note that emotional intimacy is different from sex. One of them is a physical act, and the other is the ability to peel off all the layers until your spouse knows you at your core. They definitely are interrelated.

When you are able to be vulnerable with your spouse, your connection deepens. Especially if you are a highly sensitive woman. Your friendship with your spouse will grow. It is important for your spouse to understand what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what your goals, cares, ambitions, irritations and more are. The more he knows, the more he is able to respond to and meet your needs.

How Sensitivity Can Be Your Strength in Relationships

To get to a place in which softness can be embraced, you first have to look at your view of sensitivity. If when you were growing up, sensitivity was something that was looked down upon, irritating to others or laughed at, then chances are you view your sensitivity as something negative. However, if your sensitivity was embraced, chances are you feel like being soft is a good thing.

But the thing about sensitivity is that it is not a disorder or anything negative. It is simply the way you were created. It is no different than someone being introverted versus another person being more extroverted. Neither is good or bad- they both have their place in society. The great thing about sensitivity is that there's so much strength within it. Because you are the one who notices nuances that most people miss. And you are the first person to notice when there is a problem. Even when others may notice the problem, they may not do anything about it because they're not deeply emotionally connected to the people and things around them. It is often the highly sensitive people who champion great causes and affect change because they feel the struggles of others so deeply that they have to do some thing in order to feel better living in the world that they do.

Sensitivity is a great tool to foster empathy and understanding in your marriage. Highly sensitive people are deep wells. They are the people who ask you “How are you doing?” But they did not expect to just hear “Fine.” They actually want to know how you’re truly doing and they will spend the time to listen to you, to encourage you or uplift you. Sensitivity allows for deeper connections, thereby making relationships more fulfilling.

The Fear of Being Too Soft: What’s Holding You Back from Vulnerability?

One of the common misconceptions about vulnerability is that it will create weakness and it is a path to getting hurt. However when we're talking about a marriage, the assumption is that you and your spouse love each other and you want what is best for one another. When couples come to me for marriage counseling in Houston, their main struggle is that they feel like they have drifted apart and that they are not as close as they used to be. In this case, vulnerability is what they need. If you're highly sensitive, vulnerability is exactly what you want in your marriage.

When both of you learn how to truly communicate with one another, how to listen to one another, how to manage conflict effectively and how to strengthen the friendship in your marriage, then you probably will not be getting hurt so much. In this case, vulnerability will actually help you get a lot closer to one another. As we work on self compassion as well as compassion for one another, as we build trust in the marriage, then vulnerability will become so much easier. It's really about putting away the fear of being too soft and leaning into being very connected to spouse. And these are the skills I teach during Christian marriage counseling.

Practical Ways to Open Up and Embrace Softness in Your Marriage

Vulnerability starts with feeling safe enough to open up to your spouse. If you're not feeling emotionally safe enough to be open to your spouse, then perhaps marriage counseling in Houston is where you need to start. Because it is important that I do not set you up for failure. Sometimes a professional third-party is who you need to get the ball rolling.

But if you do feel emotionally safe enough to open up to your spouse, start with expressing your emotions gently. You can even start with expressing something as simple as joy, gratitude or excitement. Start that way and see how your spouse responds. If he gives you a lackluster response, you can coach him a little bit about what response would lighten up your heart. Help him know that you're trying something new by trying to be more vulnerable so that you can create more intimacy, friendship and trust in your marriage.

Another way to invite vulnerability into your marriage is by sharing your needs. Sometimes as a highly sensitive person, you're so used to meeting the needs of other people, that you don't even know what you need. Get a notebook and sit down every night with it. Ask yourself “If someone were to grant me one wish that would change my marriage, what would it be?” Is it to sit and go over the day with your spouse each night? Is it to go on regular dates with your spouse? Is it a hug or a kiss? Is it to work together as a team to tackle domestic work or chip away at your long-term goals? Write it down and share it with him.

Be easy on yourself. Because this is something that you're not used to, it might feel difficult at first. Practice makes things better. And remind yourself that your spouse might not be used to you being open in your marriage. His response might be puzzling at first. Again, let him know that you're trying something different and you want a gentle reaction. Give him a few examples of what gentle means to you. Because we are all different.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Embrace Vulnerability in Your Marriage

My job as a marriage counselor in Houston is to help highly sensitive individuals learn how to embrace their softness and vulnerability in marriage. In a strong marriage, you get to be yourself. You get to be as soft as you really are, you get to be as introverted or extroverted as you really are and you do not need to wear a mask. My job as a couples therapist is to show you how to create a safe space in your marriage, so that you always feel comfortable peeling off the layers, letting your spouse know how you feel and what you need.

And of course it is a two-way street. So the goal is for you to also create a safe space so that your spouse can feel safe enough to open up, show you who he really is, so that you can grow the friendship in your relationship, know what to do when conflict shows up, and share life's goals and dreams together. Without vulnerability there is no healthy marriage. Without vulnerability, all we have are two roommates pretending to be married.

During our Christian marriage counseling sessions, you will learn how to establish trust, how to speak to your spouse in a way that he can listen, how to listen deeply to your spouse, how to meet each other's needs, as well as what to do when things go south. Because your marriage is not going to be perfect, but both of you can work together as a team to make sure that the marriage is good.

If you're ready to embrace vulnerability and build a stronger emotional connection in your marriage, reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling. Together, we'll help you navigate your high sensitivity and strengthen your bond. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for virtual marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Vulnerability and Strength: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

Why Vulnerability is a Strength in Christian Marriages

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, even though you feel emotions deeply and you are quite empathetic to the experiences of others, you hide your vulnerability because you feel like it is a weakness. Perhaps you've tried to be vulnerable with people that you love in the past, and it has backfired on you- which then causes you to hold back on the vulnerability in your marriage. However, it is important to note that vulnerability fosters deeper emotional intimacy and trust in a marriage. Think of it as peeling back the layers of an onion. You can only get to see the center the more layers that you peel.

Your husband can only truly know the real you if you are vulnerable and allow him to see the deeper layers. The more layers you peel, sometimes it actually becomes a reciprocal exchange. He also starts to peel back his layers. He learns that vulnerability creates closeness and trust. And the deeper the trust in your marriage, the more comfortable and intimate your marriage can be.

If we think about marriage within a Christian context, we are supposed to submit one to another. It is very difficult to submit to someone you barely know. Remember that vulnerability does not mean weakness. If you and your husband generally love each other the way Christ loved the church, and if there is mutual respect in the relationship, then vulnerability will not come at a bad cost. Vulnerability will be held with respect, compassion and understanding. It is not something weak to take advantage of, however it is a way of showing strength by allowing somebody else to see the real you.

Building Emotional Trust with Your Partner as a Sensitive Woman

So now that we understand the importance of vulnerability in building trust and emotional intimacy, how exactly do you establish trust with your partner as highly sensitive woman? Start with the small things. Think about how you like to express affection and appreciation for your partner. Do you like words of affirmation, are you a gift giver, do you like to serve your partner in small ways, or are you a physical touch person? Allowing yourself to express love in your own way is also a form of vulnerability. And when your partner is able to receive love from you, it continues to build the emotional trust that you both share. The goal is for these expressions of love to become mutual.

Remember to be consistent. When I facitiliate couples therapy in Houston or marriage retreats in Houston with Christian married couples, I use The Gottman Method. One of my favorite things to teach them is rituals of connection. These are small things that healthy couples do each day to establish and maintain connection in their marriage. It could be something as simple as waving to your partner in the driveway as he drives off each day or giving each other a kiss goodbye before you leave for work. What do you do during meal times? Do you sit together and talk about your day? Or are you glued to your phones? How do you handle stress as a married couple? Do you work together as a team to manage stress or do you feel like you are on your own?

When you do consistent rituals each day they not only give you a sense of safety in the relationship, but it fuels trust with your partner is a highly sensitive person. Another aspect of vulnerability is to share the ups and the downs of life. Do you both celebrate each other when great things happen or do you keep it to yourself? And what happens when disappointments happen? How do you show each other that you are there for one another? All of this is a part of vulnerability.

When you are able to do small acts of emotional intimacy, it opens the door for greater vulnerability. It’s the idea of, my spouse shows me in little ways that I can peel my layers off without shame, so I am now more comfortable to peel off more layers and go deeper.

Embracing Your Sensitivity Without Feeling Weak

Being a highly sensitive person is actually a powerful asset in relationships. Because when your spouse walks through the door, you are so attuned to his or her body language that you immediately know that something bad happened that day. Or when you're talking on the phone with your spouse, you can instantly tell that his or her tone is off. Because you notice the small nuances, you're able to key into the events of the day and show him or her that you're there for emotional support.

Highly sensitive people can sometimes almost feel like they can experience the emotions of others, so that they can feel sad when their spouse is also feeling sad. Sometimes they now what their spouse is feeling before their spouse actual yknwos what’s going on. I'm not talking about codependency. I'm just talking about a deep sense of empathy. When you're able to show empathy and connect with your spouse on a deeper level, it helps them to continue to peel their layers so you can experience them on a much deeper level.

So whenever you think of your high sensitivity as a weakness or a bad thing, remember that your deep sense of empathy is actually what helps to build a deeper connection with your spouse. Connection, vulnerability and emotional intimacy are all interwoven in healthy marriages.

Encouraging Vulnerability in Your Partner to Deepen Your Bond

If your spouse is not highly sensitive, and if he was raised in an environment in which sharing of emotions and thoughts was discouraged, you might find it odd to discuss deep things with you. But remind him that opening up emotionally is actually healthy for the marriage. The more he's able to open up, the more you're able to know him and actually support him emotionally. That way he does not feel isolated or like he has to bear life's burdens alone. But please do not apply too much pressure. If it has taken him multiple decades to become closed off, he is not going to change overnight.

Maybe just start with something as small as creating rituals of connection or talking about how your day was at the end of each night. Start by talking about the highs and lows of the day as well as one way each person can support the other in the upcoming week. Remember to use tools such as patience, empathy and being an active listener. An active listener is somebody who listens to better understand, rather than trying to get their own way. Over time, as your spouse sees that you are listening to truly understand him and that there's no judgment coming his way, he is able to establish a sense of safety and he hopefully will open up more as time goes on.

Vulnerability is also a two way street. If you expect your spouse to open up to you, it is important that you abide by the same rules. Start with something small. Before you have a vulnerable conversation with your spouse, let him know exactly what reaction you want to see. Do you want a hug, are you just venting and want to get it off your chest? Or do you want his input to brainstorm options? Let him know what it is that you seek so that you don't feel disappointed at the end of the conversation. Even if your marriage has not felt vulnerable up to this point, vulnerability is the only way to create an emotionally intimate marriage.

How Therapy Can Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

One of my favorite parts of my job as marriage therapist in Houston for Christian couples is showing couples how to develop emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I teach very simple and actionable communication skills that help you learn how to listen deeply, and actually understand all the things that your spouse is not saying. You will learn to read between the lines in a positive way and to begin to see your spouse as human- as opposed to being your enemy or a target. I also teach you how to appropriately manage conflict when it shows up. Note that majority of the conflicts that show up in your marriage are actually not solvable- they are just manageable. During our process of couples therapy in Houston, you learn to know when to try to solve an issue versus when to actually stop at a compromise that you both can live with. And ultimately we will build your friendship to create a much stronger emotional connection, which can help to rebuild trust that has been broken.

If you and your spouse have been struggling to understand each other, if the same old conflict keeps coming up over and over again, perhaps it’s time for virtual marriage counseling in Houston. Discover how vulnerability can strengthen your marriage. Reach out to me- a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling tailored to the unique needs of highly sensitive women. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston. I also provide marriage counseling to couples throughout California.

And if you want to dive in even deeper in your marriage, and you do not want to wait for weekly sessions, consider my virtual couples therapy retreat. Click here for more information.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

From Guarded to Open: Embracing Vulnerability in Your Marriage as a Highly Sensitive Woman

Why Highly Sensitive Women Tend to Guard Their Hearts in Marriage

As a highly sensitive woman, it might be difficult for you to open up completely to your spouse. Perhaps it could be because of your past. Maybe you have experienced trauma, maybe you came from a family that hurt you after you chose to trust them. Or maybe it’s because you and your spouse have been through difficult situations that have caused you to close up. Unresolved hurt will most definitely cause you to shut down. And when you shut down, your spouse might be left scratching his head. Because he has no idea where the trust went.

Because you experience emotions in such a deep way, and you spend a lot of time processing those emotions, it might take you a while to open up after you’ve been hurt. By the time you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do, and you’ve pinpointed what has triggered you, 4 days might have passed and you feel too embarrassed to even bring it forward to your spouse. By then he might have forgotten what happened and he could be looking at you like “Why are you only telling me this now?” You might find yourself shutting down frequently when you experience big emotions.

The Benefits of Opening Up and Letting Your Guard Down

But if you are to have a healthy, functioning, emotionally close marriage, the only option is to build a bridge back to trust and understanding. Please note that I am assuming you are married to a man who is emotionally healthy and trustworthy. If you are unsure of how to begin to trust your spouse, perhaps it’s time for marriage counseling. Sometimes it’s great to have a third party help you find your voice and finally learn how to communicate your needs to your spouse in a way that he can understand and receive.

When you finally get to the place of trust and openness, your spouse can finally understand what your triggers are so he can stay away from them. But even greater than that, he can now understand how to love you in a way that you can receive. And you can do the same for him. Emotional openness will also teach you how to repair when things go left. It is the greatest bridge to intimacy and safety in a marriage.

And when you finally are able to bring your emotional wall down, you will feel such a great sense of relief. Your marriage will feel so much easier, you will be able to speak up when you feel hurt, you will be able to laugh with your partner, strengthen your friendship with him and talk to him about pretty much anything. This is what vulnerability does. It is a direct link to connection.

Practical Steps for Becoming More Open and Vulnerable

If you and your spouse are in a season of disconnect or mistrust, do not fret. Your can rebuild what you once had with small steps. Start with yourself. Get a journal and begin to write out your feelings each day. Because it’s quite possible that you have gown out of the habit of checking in with yourself. Write out actual feeling words, as well as what triggered those feelings. Also write out how your marriage got to where it is. What went wrong? What did you do to add to the situation and what did your spouse do? It’s important for the both of you to take resposibility- no blame game here. Remember to apologize for where you’ve gone wrong.

Also begin with small things that help you move back to deep friendship. Watch your body language when you’re around him. Soften up a bit. A little smile, a little sharing at the dinner table, a little hug. Also try to love each other according to each other’s love language. Set up a day in which you’ll want to talk about 1 small problem in your marriage. Listening is so much more important than talking. Take turns talking, then reflect back what you hear. One you’ve understood each other’s emotions and points of view, you may brainstorm 2 or 3 solutions to try. Celebrate with a little dinner, game night or something fun.

You may be thinking, “But what if he rejects me when I open up?” Talk to him about this fear. Before you start the conversation, ensure that he knows you are taking a stab at vulnerability and one of your greatest fears is being shut down by him. If he is the loving man you married, he’ll understand. Also ask him what reservations he has and figure out how to help him feel safe. It’s a two way street.

The Role of Boundaries in Vulnerability

Discuss how setting healthy boundaries can actually support vulnerability by ensuring that emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way.

Offer tips for how boundaries help manage emotional vulnerability without feeling overwhelmed.

Setting healthy boundaries as a married couple can actually support vulnerability because it ensures that your emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way. So before you have deep, touching conversations, ask yourself what you want to see happen and what you do not want to see happen. Once you and your spouse know what your boundaries are, you can then begin to share in a way that feels safe. No yelling, no finger pointing and do not try to assume your partner’s intentions. If things do get tense, ask for a time out. Go to a different room for about 30 minutes to cool off. And only return once everyone is feeling calm. The goal isn’t to convince your spouse of your point of view. The goal is for each of you to really understand each other.

When someone respects your boundaries, and when you are able to have a successful conversation about something deep, you naturally will feel safer and you’ll be more willing to have deeper conversations. Vulnerability is the only way to create deeper vulnerability. And when your spouse opens up to you, your response will tell him whether or not it’s safe enough for him to open up to you next time.

Christian Marriage Counseling: Supporting Your Journey Toward Vulnerability

Christian marriage counseling is a great way to learn how to embrace vulnerability and openness without compromising your values. You will get to not only improve the communication and friendship within your relationship, but you’ll develop a deeper level of trust for one another. You’ll learn how to become a much better listener, how to process through your emotions easier, and how to repair when things go left. Marriage isn’t necessarily perfect every day, but you’ll know what to do so that you’re not at war every day. Therapy is a great way for highly sensitive women to practice vulnerability in a safe, nonjudgmental way.

Let go of the fear and embrace the power of vulnerability in your marriage. Reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling and take the first step toward a more open and connected relationship. Click here to schedule your free consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Communicating with Care: A Guide for Black Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Effective Communication Matters in Christian Marriages

Every good marriage is rooted in vulnerability and deep connection. Without vulnerability, there really is no true path to a deep connection. When there is strong, open and assertive communication, it fosters even more intimacy, it builds trust and creates unity in your marriage. Great communication in Christian marriages does not mean that you will never disagree or have bad times. It just means that you will be able to talk it out, work together and get through challenges together as a unit.

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, you may perceive emotional nuances from your partner as something different from what they actually mean. Although you are great at reading body language and feeling the emotions of others strongly, it is still important to communicate with your partner about your interpretation of his body language and emotions.

For example, you might walk into the room and notice that your partner has a big frown on his face. He doesn’t notice you walking into the room. You think to yourself, “He must be mad at me.” If you react based on what you think, it might cause a huge misunderstanding. However, if you simply ask him “Is everything alright?” Then he might let you know “I’m not upset at all. I’m just watching this really intriguing documentary. I didn’t realize I was frowning.”

See? Crisis averted. A little communication and clarification goes a long way.

Understanding High Sensitivity in Relationships: What You Need to Know

According to Dr Elaine Aron (an expert and researcher of high sensitivity), high sensitivity can be explained in four parts.

Depth of processing: You take in information from around you and process it deeply. For example, you might think ten steps ahead of others or it might take you a while to make a decision because you think through as many possibilities as you can.

Overstimulation: You can feel a lot of stress in high pressure situations and because your mind processes so deeply, it generally can be overwhelming for you.

Empathy: You have a deep sense of empathy for others and might even feel as if you can feel the emotions of others.

Sensory sensitivity: You can be easily overhwlemend by external stimuli such as textures, lights, sounds and even tastes.

Please note that high sensitivity does not equal fragility or softness. And it is not a disorder. It is simply just the way you are wired. High sensitivity could impact your emotional responses because you might get more tired or overwhelmed than your spouse in certain situations. And the things that impact you might not necessarily impact him. If both you and him do not have a clear understanding of high sensitivity, small things can cause arguments. You might feel upset because the lights ar too bright for you, but your husband barely even notices. Or the music feels too piercing, but it’s just right for your husband. Good communication helps this.

It is important to be able to express your needs clearly to your spouse and also to be able to accommodate his needs. Remember that he is not a mind reader. He cannot guess what works for you. If you need alone time, then say that. It you are overstimulated, let him know. It’s also important to note that hunger, tiredness and sickness really do affect your reactions. So do not have difficult conversations when you are hungry, sick or tired. Wait till you feel good.

Sometimes you might be viewed by your spouse as ‘Overreacting’ when you try to address your feelings. It is important to continue to express yourself despite this. And sometimes you might be tempted to people please, brush things under the rug or suppress your feelings. Know that your feelings matter too.

Conflict Resolution Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

When you are in a disagreement with your spouse, if things get too overwhelming for you or the conversation is at an impasse, ask for a time out. Go to a different room and do something distracting or relaxing to take your mind off things. You can journal, take deep breaths, take a nap if you can, or just do something random like house chores. Spend at least 30 minutes cooling down.

When you return to your spouse after at least 30 minutes, take turns listening to each other. Both of you need to be empathetic. The goal is to understand each other-not to convince each other. Ask him follow up questions to ensure that you truly understand his point of view. Then have him do the same for you. Get to know his feelings and why he feels the way he does. And vice versa.

After you both understand each other and feel heard, then you can apologize if need be, take responsibility, then brainstorm possible solutions together. Ask each other what you could each do differently if the situation were to arise in the future. Then each of you pick an action plan for the future.

How to Express Your Needs as a Sensitive Woman Without Guilt

Expressing your emotional and physical needs is so important in a relationship, because it is a way to help you feel validated, safe and loved. Without this, you might end up feeling hurt and resentful. As a highly sensitive person, you might have felt invalidated or had your needs dismissed for most of your life. So you’ve learned how to pretend like your emotions are not real. This is a pattern that must break in your marriage.

A good way to frame your needs in your marriage is by using this easy template;

I am feeling [insert feeling word], because of [use ‘I’ statement to talk about the situation]. What I need is [include specific need. Make this an action item for your spouse].

For example, “I feel tired because I have been working under bright lights all day. What I need is a bit of alone time to recharge.”

See? Easy.

Ask for what you need, because your husband cannot read your mind.

Balancing Listening and Speaking for Healthier Conversations

Listening is probably the most important part of communication. Because when you listen actively, you are better able to understand the other person’s point of view. Good listeners are able to ask great clarifying questions, understand the emotions of their spouses better and just generally avoid confusion and miscommunication. Good listening is also a great way to help your spouse feel important.

When emotions are running high, take a deep breath, but focus on understanding your partner’s point of view. I know this might sound unfair, but your spouse will eventually start to bounce off you and become a better listener too.

The easiest way to balance speaking and listening when having difficult conversations, is the speaker/listener format that I referenced in the previous heading. You can even take notes if you need to. Yes. I’m serious! After you’ve heard what your spouse has to say, report back to him what you heard him say. Then it’s his turn to correct you or affirm that what you heard was accurate.

Once you’re done, he has to do the same for you. This fosters an environment of love and respect.

Are you a Black woman navigating the challenges of communication in marriage? Explore Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who specializes in helping highly sensitive women like you find balance and connection.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.