From Guarded to Open: Embracing Vulnerability in Your Marriage as a Highly Sensitive Woman
Why Highly Sensitive Women Tend to Guard Their Hearts in Marriage
As a highly sensitive woman, it might be difficult for you to open up completely to your spouse. Perhaps it could be because of your past. Maybe you have experienced trauma, maybe you came from a family that hurt you after you chose to trust them. Or maybe it’s because you and your spouse have been through difficult situations that have caused you to close up. Unresolved hurt will most definitely cause you to shut down. And when you shut down, your spouse might be left scratching his head. Because he has no idea where the trust went.
Because you experience emotions in such a deep way, and you spend a lot of time processing those emotions, it might take you a while to open up after you’ve been hurt. By the time you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do, and you’ve pinpointed what has triggered you, 4 days might have passed and you feel too embarrassed to even bring it forward to your spouse. By then he might have forgotten what happened and he could be looking at you like “Why are you only telling me this now?” You might find yourself shutting down frequently when you experience big emotions.
The Benefits of Opening Up and Letting Your Guard Down
But if you are to have a healthy, functioning, emotionally close marriage, the only option is to build a bridge back to trust and understanding. Please note that I am assuming you are married to a man who is emotionally healthy and trustworthy. If you are unsure of how to begin to trust your spouse, perhaps it’s time for marriage counseling. Sometimes it’s great to have a third party help you find your voice and finally learn how to communicate your needs to your spouse in a way that he can understand and receive.
When you finally get to the place of trust and openness, your spouse can finally understand what your triggers are so he can stay away from them. But even greater than that, he can now understand how to love you in a way that you can receive. And you can do the same for him. Emotional openness will also teach you how to repair when things go left. It is the greatest bridge to intimacy and safety in a marriage.
And when you finally are able to bring your emotional wall down, you will feel such a great sense of relief. Your marriage will feel so much easier, you will be able to speak up when you feel hurt, you will be able to laugh with your partner, strengthen your friendship with him and talk to him about pretty much anything. This is what vulnerability does. It is a direct link to connection.
Practical Steps for Becoming More Open and Vulnerable
If you and your spouse are in a season of disconnect or mistrust, do not fret. Your can rebuild what you once had with small steps. Start with yourself. Get a journal and begin to write out your feelings each day. Because it’s quite possible that you have gown out of the habit of checking in with yourself. Write out actual feeling words, as well as what triggered those feelings. Also write out how your marriage got to where it is. What went wrong? What did you do to add to the situation and what did your spouse do? It’s important for the both of you to take resposibility- no blame game here. Remember to apologize for where you’ve gone wrong.
Also begin with small things that help you move back to deep friendship. Watch your body language when you’re around him. Soften up a bit. A little smile, a little sharing at the dinner table, a little hug. Also try to love each other according to each other’s love language. Set up a day in which you’ll want to talk about 1 small problem in your marriage. Listening is so much more important than talking. Take turns talking, then reflect back what you hear. One you’ve understood each other’s emotions and points of view, you may brainstorm 2 or 3 solutions to try. Celebrate with a little dinner, game night or something fun.
You may be thinking, “But what if he rejects me when I open up?” Talk to him about this fear. Before you start the conversation, ensure that he knows you are taking a stab at vulnerability and one of your greatest fears is being shut down by him. If he is the loving man you married, he’ll understand. Also ask him what reservations he has and figure out how to help him feel safe. It’s a two way street.
The Role of Boundaries in Vulnerability
Discuss how setting healthy boundaries can actually support vulnerability by ensuring that emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way.
Offer tips for how boundaries help manage emotional vulnerability without feeling overwhelmed.
Setting healthy boundaries as a married couple can actually support vulnerability because it ensures that your emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way. So before you have deep, touching conversations, ask yourself what you want to see happen and what you do not want to see happen. Once you and your spouse know what your boundaries are, you can then begin to share in a way that feels safe. No yelling, no finger pointing and do not try to assume your partner’s intentions. If things do get tense, ask for a time out. Go to a different room for about 30 minutes to cool off. And only return once everyone is feeling calm. The goal isn’t to convince your spouse of your point of view. The goal is for each of you to really understand each other.
When someone respects your boundaries, and when you are able to have a successful conversation about something deep, you naturally will feel safer and you’ll be more willing to have deeper conversations. Vulnerability is the only way to create deeper vulnerability. And when your spouse opens up to you, your response will tell him whether or not it’s safe enough for him to open up to you next time.
Christian Marriage Counseling: Supporting Your Journey Toward Vulnerability
Christian marriage counseling is a great way to learn how to embrace vulnerability and openness without compromising your values. You will get to not only improve the communication and friendship within your relationship, but you’ll develop a deeper level of trust for one another. You’ll learn how to become a much better listener, how to process through your emotions easier, and how to repair when things go left. Marriage isn’t necessarily perfect every day, but you’ll know what to do so that you’re not at war every day. Therapy is a great way for highly sensitive women to practice vulnerability in a safe, nonjudgmental way.
Let go of the fear and embrace the power of vulnerability in your marriage. Reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling and take the first step toward a more open and connected relationship. Click here to schedule your free consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: