Communicating with Care: A Guide for Black Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages
Why Effective Communication Matters in Christian Marriages
Every good marriage is rooted in vulnerability and deep connection. Without vulnerability, there really is no true path to a deep connection. When there is strong, open and assertive communication, it fosters even more intimacy, it builds trust and creates unity in your marriage. Great communication in Christian marriages does not mean that you will never disagree or have bad times. It just means that you will be able to talk it out, work together and get through challenges together as a unit.
Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, you may perceive emotional nuances from your partner as something different from what they actually mean. Although you are great at reading body language and feeling the emotions of others strongly, it is still important to communicate with your partner about your interpretation of his body language and emotions.
For example, you might walk into the room and notice that your partner has a big frown on his face. He doesn’t notice you walking into the room. You think to yourself, “He must be mad at me.” If you react based on what you think, it might cause a huge misunderstanding. However, if you simply ask him “Is everything alright?” Then he might let you know “I’m not upset at all. I’m just watching this really intriguing documentary. I didn’t realize I was frowning.”
See? Crisis averted. A little communication and clarification goes a long way.
Understanding High Sensitivity in Relationships: What You Need to Know
According to Dr Elaine Aron (an expert and researcher of high sensitivity), high sensitivity can be explained in four parts.
Depth of processing: You take in information from around you and process it deeply. For example, you might think ten steps ahead of others or it might take you a while to make a decision because you think through as many possibilities as you can.
Overstimulation: You can feel a lot of stress in high pressure situations and because your mind processes so deeply, it generally can be overwhelming for you.
Empathy: You have a deep sense of empathy for others and might even feel as if you can feel the emotions of others.
Sensory sensitivity: You can be easily overhwlemend by external stimuli such as textures, lights, sounds and even tastes.
Please note that high sensitivity does not equal fragility or softness. And it is not a disorder. It is simply just the way you are wired. High sensitivity could impact your emotional responses because you might get more tired or overwhelmed than your spouse in certain situations. And the things that impact you might not necessarily impact him. If both you and him do not have a clear understanding of high sensitivity, small things can cause arguments. You might feel upset because the lights ar too bright for you, but your husband barely even notices. Or the music feels too piercing, but it’s just right for your husband. Good communication helps this.
It is important to be able to express your needs clearly to your spouse and also to be able to accommodate his needs. Remember that he is not a mind reader. He cannot guess what works for you. If you need alone time, then say that. It you are overstimulated, let him know. It’s also important to note that hunger, tiredness and sickness really do affect your reactions. So do not have difficult conversations when you are hungry, sick or tired. Wait till you feel good.
Sometimes you might be viewed by your spouse as ‘Overreacting’ when you try to address your feelings. It is important to continue to express yourself despite this. And sometimes you might be tempted to people please, brush things under the rug or suppress your feelings. Know that your feelings matter too.
Conflict Resolution Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage
When you are in a disagreement with your spouse, if things get too overwhelming for you or the conversation is at an impasse, ask for a time out. Go to a different room and do something distracting or relaxing to take your mind off things. You can journal, take deep breaths, take a nap if you can, or just do something random like house chores. Spend at least 30 minutes cooling down.
When you return to your spouse after at least 30 minutes, take turns listening to each other. Both of you need to be empathetic. The goal is to understand each other-not to convince each other. Ask him follow up questions to ensure that you truly understand his point of view. Then have him do the same for you. Get to know his feelings and why he feels the way he does. And vice versa.
After you both understand each other and feel heard, then you can apologize if need be, take responsibility, then brainstorm possible solutions together. Ask each other what you could each do differently if the situation were to arise in the future. Then each of you pick an action plan for the future.
How to Express Your Needs as a Sensitive Woman Without Guilt
Expressing your emotional and physical needs is so important in a relationship, because it is a way to help you feel validated, safe and loved. Without this, you might end up feeling hurt and resentful. As a highly sensitive person, you might have felt invalidated or had your needs dismissed for most of your life. So you’ve learned how to pretend like your emotions are not real. This is a pattern that must break in your marriage.
A good way to frame your needs in your marriage is by using this easy template;
I am feeling [insert feeling word], because of [use ‘I’ statement to talk about the situation]. What I need is [include specific need. Make this an action item for your spouse].
For example, “I feel tired because I have been working under bright lights all day. What I need is a bit of alone time to recharge.”
See? Easy.
Ask for what you need, because your husband cannot read your mind.
Balancing Listening and Speaking for Healthier Conversations
Listening is probably the most important part of communication. Because when you listen actively, you are better able to understand the other person’s point of view. Good listeners are able to ask great clarifying questions, understand the emotions of their spouses better and just generally avoid confusion and miscommunication. Good listening is also a great way to help your spouse feel important.
When emotions are running high, take a deep breath, but focus on understanding your partner’s point of view. I know this might sound unfair, but your spouse will eventually start to bounce off you and become a better listener too.
The easiest way to balance speaking and listening when having difficult conversations, is the speaker/listener format that I referenced in the previous heading. You can even take notes if you need to. Yes. I’m serious! After you’ve heard what your spouse has to say, report back to him what you heard him say. Then it’s his turn to correct you or affirm that what you heard was accurate.
Once you’re done, he has to do the same for you. This fosters an environment of love and respect.
Are you a Black woman navigating the challenges of communication in marriage? Explore Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who specializes in helping highly sensitive women like you find balance and connection.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: