Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages
Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage
Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.
Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.
If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad.
How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive
During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.
When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.
Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.
Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.
Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.
Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.
Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Sensitive Women
Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:
No name calling
No cussing
No yelling
No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.
You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.
Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.
One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.
Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.
Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples
Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.
When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.
During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.
After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?
How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations
As a Christian marriage counselor, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.
Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Highly sensitive people