Vulnerability and Strength: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

Why Vulnerability is a Strength in Christian Marriages

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, even though you feel emotions deeply and you are quite empathetic to the experiences of others, you hide your vulnerability because you feel like it is a weakness. Perhaps you've tried to be vulnerable with people that you love in the past, and it has backfired on you- which then causes you to hold back on the vulnerability in your marriage. However, it is important to note that vulnerability fosters deeper emotional intimacy and trust in a marriage. Think of it as peeling back the layers of an onion. You can only get to see the center the more layers that you peel.

Your husband can only truly know the real you if you are vulnerable and allow him to see the deeper layers. The more layers you peel, sometimes it actually becomes a reciprocal exchange. He also starts to peel back his layers. He learns that vulnerability creates closeness and trust. And the deeper the trust in your marriage, the more comfortable and intimate your marriage can be.

If we think about marriage within a Christian context, we are supposed to submit one to another. It is very difficult to submit to someone you barely know. Remember that vulnerability does not mean weakness. If you and your husband generally love each other the way Christ loved the church, and if there is mutual respect in the relationship, then vulnerability will not come at a bad cost. Vulnerability will be held with respect, compassion and understanding. It is not something weak to take advantage of, however it is a way of showing strength by allowing somebody else to see the real you.

Building Emotional Trust with Your Partner as a Sensitive Woman

So now that we understand the importance of vulnerability in building trust and emotional intimacy, how exactly do you establish trust with your partner as highly sensitive woman? Start with the small things. Think about how you like to express affection and appreciation for your partner. Do you like words of affirmation, are you a gift giver, do you like to serve your partner in small ways, or are you a physical touch person? Allowing yourself to express love in your own way is also a form of vulnerability. And when your partner is able to receive love from you, it continues to build the emotional trust that you both share. The goal is for these expressions of love to become mutual.

Remember to be consistent. When I facitiliate couples therapy in Houston or marriage retreats in Houston with Christian married couples, I use The Gottman Method. One of my favorite things to teach them is rituals of connection. These are small things that healthy couples do each day to establish and maintain connection in their marriage. It could be something as simple as waving to your partner in the driveway as he drives off each day or giving each other a kiss goodbye before you leave for work. What do you do during meal times? Do you sit together and talk about your day? Or are you glued to your phones? How do you handle stress as a married couple? Do you work together as a team to manage stress or do you feel like you are on your own?

When you do consistent rituals each day they not only give you a sense of safety in the relationship, but it fuels trust with your partner is a highly sensitive person. Another aspect of vulnerability is to share the ups and the downs of life. Do you both celebrate each other when great things happen or do you keep it to yourself? And what happens when disappointments happen? How do you show each other that you are there for one another? All of this is a part of vulnerability.

When you are able to do small acts of emotional intimacy, it opens the door for greater vulnerability. It’s the idea of, my spouse shows me in little ways that I can peel my layers off without shame, so I am now more comfortable to peel off more layers and go deeper.

Embracing Your Sensitivity Without Feeling Weak

Being a highly sensitive person is actually a powerful asset in relationships. Because when your spouse walks through the door, you are so attuned to his or her body language that you immediately know that something bad happened that day. Or when you're talking on the phone with your spouse, you can instantly tell that his or her tone is off. Because you notice the small nuances, you're able to key into the events of the day and show him or her that you're there for emotional support.

Highly sensitive people can sometimes almost feel like they can experience the emotions of others, so that they can feel sad when their spouse is also feeling sad. Sometimes they now what their spouse is feeling before their spouse actual yknwos what’s going on. I'm not talking about codependency. I'm just talking about a deep sense of empathy. When you're able to show empathy and connect with your spouse on a deeper level, it helps them to continue to peel their layers so you can experience them on a much deeper level.

So whenever you think of your high sensitivity as a weakness or a bad thing, remember that your deep sense of empathy is actually what helps to build a deeper connection with your spouse. Connection, vulnerability and emotional intimacy are all interwoven in healthy marriages.

Encouraging Vulnerability in Your Partner to Deepen Your Bond

If your spouse is not highly sensitive, and if he was raised in an environment in which sharing of emotions and thoughts was discouraged, you might find it odd to discuss deep things with you. But remind him that opening up emotionally is actually healthy for the marriage. The more he's able to open up, the more you're able to know him and actually support him emotionally. That way he does not feel isolated or like he has to bear life's burdens alone. But please do not apply too much pressure. If it has taken him multiple decades to become closed off, he is not going to change overnight.

Maybe just start with something as small as creating rituals of connection or talking about how your day was at the end of each night. Start by talking about the highs and lows of the day as well as one way each person can support the other in the upcoming week. Remember to use tools such as patience, empathy and being an active listener. An active listener is somebody who listens to better understand, rather than trying to get their own way. Over time, as your spouse sees that you are listening to truly understand him and that there's no judgment coming his way, he is able to establish a sense of safety and he hopefully will open up more as time goes on.

Vulnerability is also a two way street. If you expect your spouse to open up to you, it is important that you abide by the same rules. Start with something small. Before you have a vulnerable conversation with your spouse, let him know exactly what reaction you want to see. Do you want a hug, are you just venting and want to get it off your chest? Or do you want his input to brainstorm options? Let him know what it is that you seek so that you don't feel disappointed at the end of the conversation. Even if your marriage has not felt vulnerable up to this point, vulnerability is the only way to create an emotionally intimate marriage.

How Therapy Can Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

One of my favorite parts of my job as marriage therapist in Houston for Christian couples is showing couples how to develop emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I teach very simple and actionable communication skills that help you learn how to listen deeply, and actually understand all the things that your spouse is not saying. You will learn to read between the lines in a positive way and to begin to see your spouse as human- as opposed to being your enemy or a target. I also teach you how to appropriately manage conflict when it shows up. Note that majority of the conflicts that show up in your marriage are actually not solvable- they are just manageable. During our process of couples therapy in Houston, you learn to know when to try to solve an issue versus when to actually stop at a compromise that you both can live with. And ultimately we will build your friendship to create a much stronger emotional connection, which can help to rebuild trust that has been broken.

If you and your spouse have been struggling to understand each other, if the same old conflict keeps coming up over and over again, perhaps it’s time for virtual marriage counseling in Houston. Discover how vulnerability can strengthen your marriage. Reach out to me- a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling tailored to the unique needs of highly sensitive women. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston. I also provide marriage counseling to couples throughout California.

And if you want to dive in even deeper in your marriage, and you do not want to wait for weekly sessions, consider my virtual couples therapy retreat. Click here for more information.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

From Guarded to Open: Embracing Vulnerability in Your Marriage as a Highly Sensitive Woman

Why Highly Sensitive Women Tend to Guard Their Hearts in Marriage

As a highly sensitive woman, it might be difficult for you to open up completely to your spouse. Perhaps it could be because of your past. Maybe you have experienced trauma, maybe you came from a family that hurt you after you chose to trust them. Or maybe it’s because you and your spouse have been through difficult situations that have caused you to close up. Unresolved hurt will most definitely cause you to shut down. And when you shut down, your spouse might be left scratching his head. Because he has no idea where the trust went.

Because you experience emotions in such a deep way, and you spend a lot of time processing those emotions, it might take you a while to open up after you’ve been hurt. By the time you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do, and you’ve pinpointed what has triggered you, 4 days might have passed and you feel too embarrassed to even bring it forward to your spouse. By then he might have forgotten what happened and he could be looking at you like “Why are you only telling me this now?” You might find yourself shutting down frequently when you experience big emotions.

The Benefits of Opening Up and Letting Your Guard Down

But if you are to have a healthy, functioning, emotionally close marriage, the only option is to build a bridge back to trust and understanding. Please note that I am assuming you are married to a man who is emotionally healthy and trustworthy. If you are unsure of how to begin to trust your spouse, perhaps it’s time for marriage counseling. Sometimes it’s great to have a third party help you find your voice and finally learn how to communicate your needs to your spouse in a way that he can understand and receive.

When you finally get to the place of trust and openness, your spouse can finally understand what your triggers are so he can stay away from them. But even greater than that, he can now understand how to love you in a way that you can receive. And you can do the same for him. Emotional openness will also teach you how to repair when things go left. It is the greatest bridge to intimacy and safety in a marriage.

And when you finally are able to bring your emotional wall down, you will feel such a great sense of relief. Your marriage will feel so much easier, you will be able to speak up when you feel hurt, you will be able to laugh with your partner, strengthen your friendship with him and talk to him about pretty much anything. This is what vulnerability does. It is a direct link to connection.

Practical Steps for Becoming More Open and Vulnerable

If you and your spouse are in a season of disconnect or mistrust, do not fret. Your can rebuild what you once had with small steps. Start with yourself. Get a journal and begin to write out your feelings each day. Because it’s quite possible that you have gown out of the habit of checking in with yourself. Write out actual feeling words, as well as what triggered those feelings. Also write out how your marriage got to where it is. What went wrong? What did you do to add to the situation and what did your spouse do? It’s important for the both of you to take resposibility- no blame game here. Remember to apologize for where you’ve gone wrong.

Also begin with small things that help you move back to deep friendship. Watch your body language when you’re around him. Soften up a bit. A little smile, a little sharing at the dinner table, a little hug. Also try to love each other according to each other’s love language. Set up a day in which you’ll want to talk about 1 small problem in your marriage. Listening is so much more important than talking. Take turns talking, then reflect back what you hear. One you’ve understood each other’s emotions and points of view, you may brainstorm 2 or 3 solutions to try. Celebrate with a little dinner, game night or something fun.

You may be thinking, “But what if he rejects me when I open up?” Talk to him about this fear. Before you start the conversation, ensure that he knows you are taking a stab at vulnerability and one of your greatest fears is being shut down by him. If he is the loving man you married, he’ll understand. Also ask him what reservations he has and figure out how to help him feel safe. It’s a two way street.

The Role of Boundaries in Vulnerability

Discuss how setting healthy boundaries can actually support vulnerability by ensuring that emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way.

Offer tips for how boundaries help manage emotional vulnerability without feeling overwhelmed.

Setting healthy boundaries as a married couple can actually support vulnerability because it ensures that your emotions are shared in a safe and respectful way. So before you have deep, touching conversations, ask yourself what you want to see happen and what you do not want to see happen. Once you and your spouse know what your boundaries are, you can then begin to share in a way that feels safe. No yelling, no finger pointing and do not try to assume your partner’s intentions. If things do get tense, ask for a time out. Go to a different room for about 30 minutes to cool off. And only return once everyone is feeling calm. The goal isn’t to convince your spouse of your point of view. The goal is for each of you to really understand each other.

When someone respects your boundaries, and when you are able to have a successful conversation about something deep, you naturally will feel safer and you’ll be more willing to have deeper conversations. Vulnerability is the only way to create deeper vulnerability. And when your spouse opens up to you, your response will tell him whether or not it’s safe enough for him to open up to you next time.

Christian Marriage Counseling: Supporting Your Journey Toward Vulnerability

Christian marriage counseling is a great way to learn how to embrace vulnerability and openness without compromising your values. You will get to not only improve the communication and friendship within your relationship, but you’ll develop a deeper level of trust for one another. You’ll learn how to become a much better listener, how to process through your emotions easier, and how to repair when things go left. Marriage isn’t necessarily perfect every day, but you’ll know what to do so that you’re not at war every day. Therapy is a great way for highly sensitive women to practice vulnerability in a safe, nonjudgmental way.

Let go of the fear and embrace the power of vulnerability in your marriage. Reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling and take the first step toward a more open and connected relationship. Click here to schedule your free consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Communicating with Care: A Guide for Black Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Effective Communication Matters in Christian Marriages

Every good marriage is rooted in vulnerability and deep connection. Without vulnerability, there really is no true path to a deep connection. When there is strong, open and assertive communication, it fosters even more intimacy, it builds trust and creates unity in your marriage. Great communication in Christian marriages does not mean that you will never disagree or have bad times. It just means that you will be able to talk it out, work together and get through challenges together as a unit.

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, you may perceive emotional nuances from your partner as something different from what they actually mean. Although you are great at reading body language and feeling the emotions of others strongly, it is still important to communicate with your partner about your interpretation of his body language and emotions.

For example, you might walk into the room and notice that your partner has a big frown on his face. He doesn’t notice you walking into the room. You think to yourself, “He must be mad at me.” If you react based on what you think, it might cause a huge misunderstanding. However, if you simply ask him “Is everything alright?” Then he might let you know “I’m not upset at all. I’m just watching this really intriguing documentary. I didn’t realize I was frowning.”

See? Crisis averted. A little communication and clarification goes a long way.

Understanding High Sensitivity in Relationships: What You Need to Know

According to Dr Elaine Aron (an expert and researcher of high sensitivity), high sensitivity can be explained in four parts.

Depth of processing: You take in information from around you and process it deeply. For example, you might think ten steps ahead of others or it might take you a while to make a decision because you think through as many possibilities as you can.

Overstimulation: You can feel a lot of stress in high pressure situations and because your mind processes so deeply, it generally can be overwhelming for you.

Empathy: You have a deep sense of empathy for others and might even feel as if you can feel the emotions of others.

Sensory sensitivity: You can be easily overhwlemend by external stimuli such as textures, lights, sounds and even tastes.

Please note that high sensitivity does not equal fragility or softness. And it is not a disorder. It is simply just the way you are wired. High sensitivity could impact your emotional responses because you might get more tired or overwhelmed than your spouse in certain situations. And the things that impact you might not necessarily impact him. If both you and him do not have a clear understanding of high sensitivity, small things can cause arguments. You might feel upset because the lights ar too bright for you, but your husband barely even notices. Or the music feels too piercing, but it’s just right for your husband. Good communication helps this.

It is important to be able to express your needs clearly to your spouse and also to be able to accommodate his needs. Remember that he is not a mind reader. He cannot guess what works for you. If you need alone time, then say that. It you are overstimulated, let him know. It’s also important to note that hunger, tiredness and sickness really do affect your reactions. So do not have difficult conversations when you are hungry, sick or tired. Wait till you feel good.

Sometimes you might be viewed by your spouse as ‘Overreacting’ when you try to address your feelings. It is important to continue to express yourself despite this. And sometimes you might be tempted to people please, brush things under the rug or suppress your feelings. Know that your feelings matter too.

Conflict Resolution Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

When you are in a disagreement with your spouse, if things get too overwhelming for you or the conversation is at an impasse, ask for a time out. Go to a different room and do something distracting or relaxing to take your mind off things. You can journal, take deep breaths, take a nap if you can, or just do something random like house chores. Spend at least 30 minutes cooling down.

When you return to your spouse after at least 30 minutes, take turns listening to each other. Both of you need to be empathetic. The goal is to understand each other-not to convince each other. Ask him follow up questions to ensure that you truly understand his point of view. Then have him do the same for you. Get to know his feelings and why he feels the way he does. And vice versa.

After you both understand each other and feel heard, then you can apologize if need be, take responsibility, then brainstorm possible solutions together. Ask each other what you could each do differently if the situation were to arise in the future. Then each of you pick an action plan for the future.

How to Express Your Needs as a Sensitive Woman Without Guilt

Expressing your emotional and physical needs is so important in a relationship, because it is a way to help you feel validated, safe and loved. Without this, you might end up feeling hurt and resentful. As a highly sensitive person, you might have felt invalidated or had your needs dismissed for most of your life. So you’ve learned how to pretend like your emotions are not real. This is a pattern that must break in your marriage.

A good way to frame your needs in your marriage is by using this easy template;

I am feeling [insert feeling word], because of [use ‘I’ statement to talk about the situation]. What I need is [include specific need. Make this an action item for your spouse].

For example, “I feel tired because I have been working under bright lights all day. What I need is a bit of alone time to recharge.”

See? Easy.

Ask for what you need, because your husband cannot read your mind.

Balancing Listening and Speaking for Healthier Conversations

Listening is probably the most important part of communication. Because when you listen actively, you are better able to understand the other person’s point of view. Good listeners are able to ask great clarifying questions, understand the emotions of their spouses better and just generally avoid confusion and miscommunication. Good listening is also a great way to help your spouse feel important.

When emotions are running high, take a deep breath, but focus on understanding your partner’s point of view. I know this might sound unfair, but your spouse will eventually start to bounce off you and become a better listener too.

The easiest way to balance speaking and listening when having difficult conversations, is the speaker/listener format that I referenced in the previous heading. You can even take notes if you need to. Yes. I’m serious! After you’ve heard what your spouse has to say, report back to him what you heard him say. Then it’s his turn to correct you or affirm that what you heard was accurate.

Once you’re done, he has to do the same for you. This fosters an environment of love and respect.

Are you a Black woman navigating the challenges of communication in marriage? Explore Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who specializes in helping highly sensitive women like you find balance and connection.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Breaking the Silence: Expressing Needs as a Highly Sensitive Woman in Marriage

The Silent Struggle: Why Not Speaking Up Can Harm Your Marriage

One big struggle that you might face as a highly sensitive woman is not being able to fully express your thoughts and/or needs to your spouse. Perhaps it’s because your needs have gone unmet in the past. Or maybe you have expressed yourself, but you don’t feel heard. Or perhaps you’re just so overwhelmed with emotions that you don’t know how to express yourself appropriately.

Overtime, if you keep stuffing your emotions or not expressing yourself as you wish to, it could eventually lead to emotional distance between you and your spouse, pent up resentment (because your spouse’s needs are getting met while yours aren’t) and tons of misunderstandings in your marriage. Sometimes your spouse actually wants to help you meet your needs, but they can’t read your mind. But because you’re not saying anything, your needs go down the toilet.

Silence can be a big issue for a highly sensitive woman like you, because you end up just stewing in your own thoughts. You assume the worst of the situation- which is where the resentment and anger build up can come in. And once resentment comes in, it’s really hard to soften things up from there (but it’s not impossible).

Recognizing the Signs You’re Suppressing Your Needs

So how exactly do you know when you’ve been running around your marriage with unexpressed needs? One sign is when you start feeling disconnected from your spouse. You just feel in your heart like something is missing. You stare at their face daily and just have a tinge of sadness because something is missing for you. This can quickly grow into anger and frustration.

Another sign that your needs are suppressed is that you just feel completely overwhelmed. It’s like your love tank is on empty. Everything around you begins to look like such a chore. You are physically and emotionally drained and it definitely doesn’t feel good. For example, your husband calls you on his way back from work and asks you to make a delicious dinner that he loves. And even though normally, you’d love to do it, but because you are so overwhelmed, you end up yelling at him. He’s confused and has no clue why you just yelled at him. Or maybe you don’t yell. You say “Yes dear!” But as you stir the meal in the pot, you feel your heart pounding with anger or frustration.

And other times, you just feel emotionally burned out. It feels like you have been pouring into everyone and their mama, and you get no love in return. It’s not that you don’t like serving others, it’s just that you also need to be served and poured into. So you find yourself suddenly breaking into tears because something small happened. It’s because all your emotions are piled up on the inside and you need to be heard.

Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability in Your Christian Marriage

If you have grown up in an environment in which your needs have gone unmet, it can make it very difficult to speak up about your needs. You fear that you might be rejected or judged simply for expressing your needs. But if you have married a spouse who truly does love you, keep this at the forefront of your mind. You deserve to be heard, for if you’re not heard, it means your spouse will never know how to meet what you need. And a loving spouse does want to meet your needs.

The more you practice speaking up, the easier it gets over time. For each time you speak up and get your needs met, it gives you the boldness you need to keep it going. Remember that vulnerability is strength. You can be a highly sensitive woman who puts on her big girl brave pants and asks for what she needs. The only path to true emotional intimacy is by being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, it means that you have successfully taken down your walls and your spouse can see the real you. When he can see the real you, he can connect with the real you-hence the intimacy piece. Because you don’t want to be married to someone whom you are only connected to in a shallow way.

Practical Steps for Confidently Sharing Your Feelings

So now that we know how to spot signs that your needs have been unmet, as well as how to overcome the fear of vulnerability, it’s time to actually ask for what you need. Ensure that you focus on yourself. “I” statements are your friend. This is not the time to scream, point fingers, use put downs or get aggressive with your spouse. I believe that no matter how tired you are, if you are married to a rational man who loves you and wants your best, it’s possible to get over the hump of feeling ignored and invalidated.

Before you speak up, it’s important to set the tone. In the spirit of vulnerability, let your spouse know that you want to ask fo something that’s important to know. Let it be known that it’s been on your mind for a while and it’s important to you if he listened and acquiesced. Pick the right place and time. Don’t try to get your needs met when you’re exhausted, when it’s too late at night or when your spouse isn’t paying attention. Let’s set you up for success.

My simple formula goes like this (Actually this is taken from The Gottman Couple’s Therapy Method):

“I feel [insert feeling word], about [insert situation], here’s what I need [insert need].“

So here’s an example of using the above formula: “I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do, What I need is to be able to outsource my tasks and for you and I to schedule a relaxing date night.” Then you can proceed to create a plan for outsourcing and date night.

See? Easy peasy. Spend some time practicing this on your own before you actually speak up. It’ll help boost your confidence.

The Benefits of Christian Marriage Counseling for Sensitive Women

Christian Marriage Counseling can provide a safe space to learn how to practice assertive communication skills. You’ll learn how to express your emotions in a way that your spouse can understand. And it will feel good for you too. You’ll be able to process those pent up emotions, learn how to express yourself clearly and deeply connect with your spouse. That way we can get rid of the overwhelm and resentment, and help you take some steps closer to your spouse. Once we’ve done this, you’ll naturally build your friendship and intimacy with your spouse.

My job as a Christian marriage counselor is to help you stay rooted in your values. While I do not indoctrinate you or tell you what to believe, I am your guide. My job is to help you create a culture in your household where both you and your spouse feel closer, your needs both get met and you’re able to peacefully resolve conflicts that might come your way. Sounds great right?

If you’re struggling to express your needs, it’s time for change. Connect with me- a Black therapist in Houston who specializes in Christian marriage counseling in Houston to help you find your voice. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage

Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.

Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.

If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad.

How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive

During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.

When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.

1. Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.

2. Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.

3. Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.

4. Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.

   Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Sensitive Women

   Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:

   • No name calling

   • No cussing

   • No yelling

   • No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.

     You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.

   • Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.

     One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.

     Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.

     Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples

   Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.

   When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.

   During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.

   After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?

   How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations

   As a Christian marriage counselor, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.

Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Vulnerability as a Path to Emotional Intimacy: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women

The Link Between Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy

Vulnerability can be a scary word- especially if you have been hurt in past relationships. Some people have been hurt by their parents or caregivers, some have been hurt by friends, and others have been betrayed by exes. When this happens, you begin to feel like the world can never be safe again. But the interesting thing is that vulnerability is the only true path to emotional intimacy and connection in marriage.

When you are vulnerable, it means that you bring your walls down so that your spouse can see the real you. When your spouse can see the real you, then he gets a chance to actually choose you. And when he chooses you and knows you, then he can love you in the ways that you actually need to be loved. But when he doesn’t actually know you, the the object of his love is just a facade. This means he’ll only be able to partially love you. So that scary thing called vulnerability is actually the thing that you need to get to the other side of emotional intimacy in marriage. Being vulnerable is the only way to ever experience the deep, unconditional love that you’ve been craving this entire time. And when you receive unconditional love, your response will hopefully be to return the same level of love. That creates a stronger connection between partners.

Common Myths About Vulnerability and Why They’re Harmful

Some people have a misunderstanding about vulnerability. We equate vulnerability to weakness, lack of intelligence or having poor boundaries. Sometimes we think that vulnerability means that you're not strong. However it does take a certain level of strength to know what your walls are and to intentionally bring them down so that you can receive the love that you know you deserve. It does take a certain level of emotional intelligence to identify someone whom you would like to love you and allow them to love you in the deepest of ways.

When we do not have a good understanding of what vulnerability is, it actually leaves us lonely. This is because if you shy away from being vulnerable with someone, it means that you go through life alone and you might risk never having received true love. You might have lots of friends and even romantic relationships, but without vulnerability, the emotional connection will always be shallow. There will be things you will be unable to share with that person. There might also be experiences that you are too scared to let them have with you. Therefore the relationships will lack emotional depth.

Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability in Your Marriage

Vulnerability does not mean that you just go around telling people your business. It also does not mean that you allow people to hurt you. Vulnerability is an intentional choice. Only people who deserve to see and know the real you are invited to experience your vulnerability.

The first step in knowing who to be vulnerable with is to watch them and ensure that they are actually safe. Safe people typically exhibit safe behaviors over a period of time. Therefore you can only tell who is safe through time and consistency. It's like how in the Bible talks about how you can know who is a Christian by their fruit. A safe person will exhibit safe fruits such as showing interest in you, comforting you when you are down, apologizing when they are wrong, taking responsibility for their behavior, and the relationship will be reciprocal. You can give and take. It’s never one sided.

Vulnerability also starts slowly. Pick something simple to share with the other person and see how they react to it. Do they laugh at you? Do they judge you? Or do you feel completely seen and validated by the person? If someone is worthy of smaller pieces of vulnerability, then you can start building up to the larger things. It takes time. And this has to be reciprocal.

You also are expected to be a safe place for them to land. That means you have to help them feel understood, you have to have moments where you’re soft with them and they have to feel like you accept them for who they are. This is what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like

How to Be Vulnerable Without Feeling Overwhelmed

There's a difference between being vulnerable in an emotionally intelligent way and word vomit. Testing vulnerability does not mean that you have to share every single thing that has happened in your life in one day. Pace yourself. Before you share your first vulnerable thing, take some time to ground yourself. Take a look around the room and identify five things you can hear, four things you can see, three things you can smell, two things you can touch and one thing you can taste. This will get your heart rate nice and slow.

After this, practice out loud how to share the valuable piece of information with them before they even enter the room. Give yourself grace. Whenever you're about to do something different or scary, your body will respond accordingly. Nerves are normal when you're about to do something as important as bringing an emotional wall down.

Also pick the right day and the right time. Only share when you’re truly ready to share and pick a day in which you’re not already overwhelmed with work and too many responsibilities. Prepare the other person for the conversation. Let them know that you are about to share something important, and you would like some support and undivided attention.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Facilitate Emotional Intimacy Through Vulnerability

If you have tried being vulnerable and it has not quite worked out for you, then maybe Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help. My job as a Christian marriage counselor is to help you provide guidance and tools to help you connect better with your spouse. My job is to help you learn how to talk to him in a way that he can receive and also for him to talk to you in a way that you can receive. The only way to do this successfully is through vulnerability. I’ll help you both get there. I teach couples how to become safe partners for one another so that you can pretty much share anything with one another. Through couples counseling, you'll learn how to strengthen your friendship, build trust, laugh together again and also talk about the hard things.

If you’re ready to deepen your emotional intimacy and embrace vulnerability, Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist can support you in nurturing a more intimate, connected marriage. Click here for your free 15-minute consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.