Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
Breaking the Silence: Expressing Needs as a Highly Sensitive Woman in Marriage
Struggling to express your needs in marriage? As a highly sensitive woman, speaking up can feel overwhelming—but staying silent can lead to resentment. This blog explores how to break the silence with confidence, fostering deeper connection and understanding. Ready to start the conversation? Read more now!
The Silent Struggle: Why Not Speaking Up Can Harm Your Marriage
One big struggle that you might face as a highly sensitive woman is not being able to fully express your thoughts and/or needs to your spouse. Perhaps it’s because your needs have gone unmet in the past. Or maybe you have expressed yourself, but you don’t feel heard. Or perhaps you’re just so overwhelmed with emotions that you don’t know how to express yourself appropriately.
Overtime, if you keep stuffing your emotions or not expressing yourself as you wish to, it could eventually lead to emotional distance between you and your spouse, pent up resentment (because your spouse’s needs are getting met while yours aren’t) and tons of misunderstandings in your marriage. Sometimes your spouse actually wants to help you meet your needs, but they can’t read your mind. But because you’re not saying anything, your needs go down the toilet.
Silence can be a big issue for a highly sensitive woman like you, because you end up just stewing in your own thoughts. You assume the worst of the situation- which is where the resentment and anger build up can come in. And once resentment comes in, it’s really hard to soften things up from there (but it’s not impossible).
Recognizing the Signs You’re Suppressing Your Needs
So how exactly do you know when you’ve been running around your marriage with unexpressed needs? One sign is when you start feeling disconnected from your spouse. You just feel in your heart like something is missing. You stare at their face daily and just have a tinge of sadness because something is missing for you. This can quickly grow into anger and frustration.
Another sign that your needs are suppressed is that you just feel completely overwhelmed. It’s like your love tank is on empty. Everything around you begins to look like such a chore. You are physically and emotionally drained and it definitely doesn’t feel good. For example, your husband calls you on his way back from work and asks you to make a delicious dinner that he loves. And even though normally, you’d love to do it, but because you are so overwhelmed, you end up yelling at him. He’s confused and has no clue why you just yelled at him. Or maybe you don’t yell. You say “Yes dear!” But as you stir the meal in the pot, you feel your heart pounding with anger or frustration.
And other times, you just feel emotionally burned out. It feels like you have been pouring into everyone and their mama, and you get no love in return. It’s not that you don’t like serving others, it’s just that you also need to be served and poured into. So you find yourself suddenly breaking into tears because something small happened. It’s because all your emotions are piled up on the inside and you need to be heard.
Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability in Your Christian Marriage
If you have grown up in an environment in which your needs have gone unmet, it can make it very difficult to speak up about your needs. You fear that you might be rejected or judged simply for expressing your needs. But if you have married a spouse who truly does love you, keep this at the forefront of your mind. You deserve to be heard, for if you’re not heard, it means your spouse will never know how to meet what you need. And a loving spouse does want to meet your needs.
The more you practice speaking up, the easier it gets over time. For each time you speak up and get your needs met, it gives you the boldness you need to keep it going. Remember that vulnerability is strength. You can be a highly sensitive woman who puts on her big girl brave pants and asks for what she needs. The only path to true emotional intimacy is by being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, it means that you have successfully taken down your walls and your spouse can see the real you. When he can see the real you, he can connect with the real you-hence the intimacy piece. Because you don’t want to be married to someone whom you are only connected to in a shallow way.
Practical Steps for Confidently Sharing Your Feelings
So now that we know how to spot signs that your needs have been unmet, as well as how to overcome the fear of vulnerability, it’s time to actually ask for what you need. Ensure that you focus on yourself. “I” statements are your friend. This is not the time to scream, point fingers, use put downs or get aggressive with your spouse. I believe that no matter how tired you are, if you are married to a rational man who loves you and wants your best, it’s possible to get over the hump of feeling ignored and invalidated.
Before you speak up, it’s important to set the tone. In the spirit of vulnerability, let your spouse know that you want to ask fo something that’s important to know. Let it be known that it’s been on your mind for a while and it’s important to you if he listened and acquiesced. Pick the right place and time. Don’t try to get your needs met when you’re exhausted, when it’s too late at night or when your spouse isn’t paying attention. Let’s set you up for success.
My simple formula goes like this (Actually this is taken from The Gottman Couple’s Therapy Method):
“I feel [insert feeling word], about [insert situation], here’s what I need [insert need].“
So here’s an example of using the above formula: “I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do, What I need is to be able to outsource my tasks and for you and I to schedule a relaxing date night.” Then you can proceed to create a plan for outsourcing and date night.
See? Easy peasy. Spend some time practicing this on your own before you actually speak up. It’ll help boost your confidence.
The Benefits of Christian Marriage Counseling for Sensitive Women
Christian Marriage Counseling can provide a safe space to learn how to practice assertive communication skills. You’ll learn how to express your emotions in a way that your spouse can understand. And it will feel good for you too. You’ll be able to process those pent up emotions, learn how to express yourself clearly and deeply connect with your spouse. That way we can get rid of the overwhelm and resentment, and help you take some steps closer to your spouse. Once we’ve done this, you’ll naturally build your friendship and intimacy with your spouse.
My job as a Christian marriage counselor is to help you stay rooted in your values. While I do not indoctrinate you or tell you what to believe, I am your guide. My job is to help you create a culture in your household where both you and your spouse feel closer, your needs both get met and you’re able to peacefully resolve conflicts that might come your way. Sounds great right?
If you’re struggling to express your needs, it’s time for change. Connect with me- a Black therapist in Houston who specializes in Christian marriage counseling in Houston to help you find your voice. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages
Conflict in marriage can feel overwhelming, especially for highly sensitive women. This blog offers faith-infused guidance to navigate challenges with grace. Learn how Christian marriage counseling Houston can support you, with insights from a Black therapist Houston. Read more for encouragement!
Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage
Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.
Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.
If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad.
How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive
During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.
When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.
Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.
Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.
Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.
Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.
Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Sensitive Women
Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:
No name calling
No cussing
No yelling
No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.
You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.
Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.
One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.
Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.
Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples
Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.
When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.
During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.
After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?
How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations
As a Christian marriage counselor, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.
Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Highly sensitive people
Vulnerability as a Path to Emotional Intimacy: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women
Fear of vulnerability can keep highly sensitive women from the deep emotional intimacy they crave. This guide explores how to gently embrace openness in romantic relationships, fostering trust and connection. Healing takes courage—but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help.
The Link Between Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy
Vulnerability can be a scary word- especially if you have been hurt in past relationships. Some people have been hurt by their parents or caregivers, some have been hurt by friends, and others have been betrayed by exes. When this happens, you begin to feel like the world can never be safe again. But the interesting thing is that vulnerability is the only true path to emotional intimacy and connection in marriage.
When you are vulnerable, it means that you bring your walls down so that your spouse can see the real you. When your spouse can see the real you, then he gets a chance to actually choose you. And when he chooses you and knows you, then he can love you in the ways that you actually need to be loved. But when he doesn’t actually know you, the the object of his love is just a facade. This means he’ll only be able to partially love you. So that scary thing called vulnerability is actually the thing that you need to get to the other side of emotional intimacy in marriage. Being vulnerable is the only way to ever experience the deep, unconditional love that you’ve been craving this entire time. And when you receive unconditional love, your response will hopefully be to return the same level of love. That creates a stronger connection between partners.
Common Myths About Vulnerability and Why They’re Harmful
Some people have a misunderstanding about vulnerability. We equate vulnerability to weakness, lack of intelligence or having poor boundaries. Sometimes we think that vulnerability means that you're not strong. However it does take a certain level of strength to know what your walls are and to intentionally bring them down so that you can receive the love that you know you deserve. It does take a certain level of emotional intelligence to identify someone whom you would like to love you and allow them to love you in the deepest of ways.
When we do not have a good understanding of what vulnerability is, it actually leaves us lonely. This is because if you shy away from being vulnerable with someone, it means that you go through life alone and you might risk never having received true love. You might have lots of friends and even romantic relationships, but without vulnerability, the emotional connection will always be shallow. There will be things you will be unable to share with that person. There might also be experiences that you are too scared to let them have with you. Therefore the relationships will lack emotional depth.
Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability in Your Marriage
Vulnerability does not mean that you just go around telling people your business. It also does not mean that you allow people to hurt you. Vulnerability is an intentional choice. Only people who deserve to see and know the real you are invited to experience your vulnerability.
The first step in knowing who to be vulnerable with is to watch them and ensure that they are actually safe. Safe people typically exhibit safe behaviors over a period of time. Therefore you can only tell who is safe through time and consistency. It's like how in the Bible talks about how you can know who is a Christian by their fruit. A safe person will exhibit safe fruits such as showing interest in you, comforting you when you are down, apologizing when they are wrong, taking responsibility for their behavior, and the relationship will be reciprocal. You can give and take. It’s never one sided.
Vulnerability also starts slowly. Pick something simple to share with the other person and see how they react to it. Do they laugh at you? Do they judge you? Or do you feel completely seen and validated by the person? If someone is worthy of smaller pieces of vulnerability, then you can start building up to the larger things. It takes time. And this has to be reciprocal.
You also are expected to be a safe place for them to land. That means you have to help them feel understood, you have to have moments where you’re soft with them and they have to feel like you accept them for who they are. This is what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like
How to Be Vulnerable Without Feeling Overwhelmed
There's a difference between being vulnerable in an emotionally intelligent way and word vomit. Testing vulnerability does not mean that you have to share every single thing that has happened in your life in one day. Pace yourself. Before you share your first vulnerable thing, take some time to ground yourself. Take a look around the room and identify five things you can hear, four things you can see, three things you can smell, two things you can touch and one thing you can taste. This will get your heart rate nice and slow.
After this, practice out loud how to share the valuable piece of information with them before they even enter the room. Give yourself grace. Whenever you're about to do something different or scary, your body will respond accordingly. Nerves are normal when you're about to do something as important as bringing an emotional wall down.
Also pick the right day and the right time. Only share when you’re truly ready to share and pick a day in which you’re not already overwhelmed with work and too many responsibilities. Prepare the other person for the conversation. Let them know that you are about to share something important, and you would like some support and undivided attention.
How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Facilitate Emotional Intimacy Through Vulnerability
If you have tried being vulnerable and it has not quite worked out for you, then maybe Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help. My job as a Christian marriage counselor is to help you provide guidance and tools to help you connect better with your spouse. My job is to help you learn how to talk to him in a way that he can receive and also for him to talk to you in a way that you can receive. The only way to do this successfully is through vulnerability. I’ll help you both get there. I teach couples how to become safe partners for one another so that you can pretty much share anything with one another. Through couples counseling, you'll learn how to strengthen your friendship, build trust, laugh together again and also talk about the hard things.
If you’re ready to deepen your emotional intimacy and embrace vulnerability, Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist can support you in nurturing a more intimate, connected marriage. Click here for your free 15-minute consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Highly sensitive people
Self-Care Tips for Highly Sensitive People: Creating a Routine That Supports Your Well-Being
Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) can feel overwhelming in a world that rarely slows down. Creating a self-care routine that nurtures your well-being is essential. This blog shares gentle, practical tips to help you recharge and set boundaries. Read on for strategies to thrive as an HSP!
Your Self-Care Routine, Reimagined: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Build Stronger Relationships
Self care is such an important lifestyle choice for everyone to consider. Without self care, you will eventually burn out. But especially for Highly Sensitive People, it is important that you take time to recharge so that you actually have something left to pour out into the world. But self care does not have to be only about bubble baths and facials.
Self care can involve intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical AND social. Now before you run away, the social aspect can be interwoven into all the other areas, and it does not have to be exhausting. Let’s explore them.
Think about intellectual self care like things that stimulate the intelligent part of you- reading books, watching educational videos, having intellectually stimulating conversations with others and generally getting smarter. See, social and intellectual marry very well.
Emotional self care looks like doing things that take care of you emotionally. That could be going to therapy, journaling, working with a life coach, or even venting to a safe friend at the end of the day. See how we added the social there?
Spiritual self care involves engaging in activities that connect you to God. That could be going out in nature, reading your Bible, attending a Bible study or church services. The last 2 directly utilize social skills as well.
Physical self care involves taking care of your body- eating well, exercising, getting physicals and getting medical care when you don’t feel well. And if you would like to add the social aspect, you can exercise in a group or workout with a friend. If you don’t enjoy this, you may even have a friend be your accountability buddy. So you’re not necessarily working out with her, but you check every once in a while to spur each other on.
I’m sure you’ve never thought about adding the social aspect into your self care. You see, you need people. Even though you might get drained when you’ve been pouring into others all day, you need people because they can provide you with social stimulation, they give you advice when you need, they’re there for you to laugh with cry with and just not feel all alone in the world.
Boundaries, Baby! How to Protect Your Energy While Building Meaningful Connections
When dealing with relationships, it’s always important to know your limits. Although we all need people to combat loneliness, we also need time to recharge. And your limits will change on a week to week basis. Some weeks, self care will involve being by yourself, and other weeks, you might need to reach out to others to support you.
But start with a solid self care routine. Know your non negotiables, so that no one can push you around. Think about activities like having a nice morning routine, as well as a bedtime routine. That way you day starts and end in a non chaotic way.
And when you reach out to others, be clear about what you need from them. Be direct and specific. If you need a shoulder to cry on, say that. If you need them to just sit and be quiet with you, then say that. In some seasons of your life, you might not want to pick up your phone whenever it rings, and that’s okay too. But your loved ones do need you to tell them what you need so that they can help provide it.
To prevent complete burnout from relationships, there has to be a good balance between spending time with others and connecting back to yourself. That way you’re not always pouring into others.
From Overwhelmed to Overflowing: Self-Care Tips to Recharge and Reconnect
Self care does not have to be anything huge- just tiny changes in your daily routine can make a huge difference. Pay attention to what time you go to bed every night, what time you wake up, as well as what you do right before bedtime and when you wake up. Instead of grabbing your phone first thing in the morning, consider spending some time in quiet, or starting the day with a prayer or Bible study. Maybe listen to some calming music to start your day off right.
Throughout the day, be intentional about eating and drinking enough food and water. The way you treat your physical body will also affect your emotional state. Be careful about zoning out. Try to stay in the moment as much as you can. And when you need someone to talk to, do so. Vulnerability will help you get stuff off your chest while sttaying connected to others.
Choose your friends wisely. Safe friends understand the need for both connection and alone time. They won’t judge you- they’ll actually encourage you so that you don’t burn out.
When you are not completely exhausted all day, you will be able to better connect with the people around you, because you have more to give. If you want to be overflowing with energy and clarity, it starts with taking care of yourself first.
The Perfect Self-Care Routine for High-Performing HSPs: Less Stress, More Connection
Think of a routine not as a list of never ending obligations, but simply as a flexible set of guidelines that help you stay afloat and thriving. A good self care routine will involve multiple aspects- physical, social, emotional, relational and spiritual. Simply ask yourself how you can feed all those areas daily. You don’t have to pay equal attention to all the above areas- just as long as you’re neglecting any of the area.
Delete anything that causes you to feel stressed, overwhelmed, fearful or tired (within reason of course). To do this, take stock of all the activities you do within a week and ask yourself how you feel when engaging in the activity, as well as after the activity is complete. This would include social media scrolling, friends you talk to, places you visit, books you read and rooms within your home. After the week is over, notice the activities that aren’t seeing you well, and find a way to limit or get rid of them if possible.
Then think about the activities that recharge and bring you joy. Is it sitting alone in your bed, talking to a specific friend? reading something specific? Going outside? Do more of that. Sometimes we have to pay attention before we notice things that are good for us. The goal is to cut out as much stress as you can.
And for the stressful activities you cannot delete, is there a plan to delegate them to someone else, or delete them eventually?
Nurture Yourself, Nurture Your Relationships: The HSP Guide to Self-Care and Connection
What some highly sensitive people think his that they do not like people. But that is untrue. Because of the deep level of empathy that you feel, you might get easily exhausted when you are around too many people- especially people who drain your energy. So the best thing to do is to be intentional when you are building relationships. Does the person accept you for who you are? Do you feel comfortable around this person? Can you laugh, cry and just be vulnerable around this person or do you feel your wall going up when you're in their presence? Pay attention to how you feel when you're with them as well as when you are away from them. If you find yourself feeling excited and at peace with someone, then that is a good sign. But if you find yourself wishing the conversation will stop right now or sighing before you pick up their call, then that might be a red flag. It is quite possible to take care of yourself while keeping healthy relationships. It is just really about knowing when to connect and when to take some time to yourself. My suggestion is to carve out alone time every single week. This will give you time to reflect, recharge and regain the energy that you need to pour into others.
The better you take care of yourself and use your voice, the easier it will be to balance your relationship with others. Emotional wellbeing will enhance relationship satisfaction. People who feel good about themselves will be able to select health relationships.
Struggling to find balance between self-care and maintaining meaningful relationships? As a trauma therapist in Houston, I specialize in working with high-performing, highly sensitive women, including Black women, to create routines that support well-being and relationship building. Through brainspotting therapy, you can release the emotional blocks that prevent you from fully caring for yourself and connecting with others. Book a free 15-minute consultation call today with a Black therapist in Houston, and let’s get started on your self-care journey!
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
How Highly Sensitive People Can Set Clear Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty.
Highly sensitive people (HSPs) often struggle with setting boundaries due to their deep empathy and fear of disappointing others. This blog explores practical strategies to set clear, healthy boundaries while overcoming guilt. By embracing self-awareness, assertive communication, and self-care, HSPs can protect their energy and well-being.
Why Saying ‘No’ Feels So Hard: The Struggle of High-Performing, Highly Sensitive Women
When you are a high achieving, highly sensitive woman, it is very difficult to say ‘no’ in your personal relationships. Sometimes you know that your energy is completely spent, but you feel extremely guilty just at the thought of saying no.
Because of your deep level of overthinking as well as the deep amounts of empathy that you possess, you feel like you owe people your efforts and energy because you are so good at helping people. “If I can help them, what’s the harm in doing so? Why should I turn them away?”
And so when you have times when you have to walk away from the needs of others, you feel very guilty. You might even find yourself helping others while putting your own needs on the back burner. The problem with this is that you become the go to person or the super woman who people think can always figure things out- which can cause you to feel internally frustrated.
Another problem is that sometimes you say ‘yes’ to their requests, but you secretly resent your loved ones because in your mind you my think, “She knew I was tired and that I am completely spent, so why is she still asking for my help?”
There's constantly this push and pull between wanting to help and needing to protect your own energy. This is especially true for highly sensitive women who do not have a whole lot of bandwidth. What do I mean by this? This means that when you juggle a whole lot of tasks and responsibilities, by the end of the day you feel completely overstimulated, tired, frustrated and maybe even unable to focus on sleep. This means that the difficulty in saying ‘no’ is actually costing you your emotional health.
Brainspotting for Boundary Setting: How Therapy Can Help You Find Your Inner ‘No’
One of my favorite things to do in my trauma therapy practice in Houston, is to help highly sensitive and deeply emotionally attuned women finally find their inner ‘no.’ It is possible for you to set clear boundaries and still have a good balance between taking care of your own emotional needs, while supporting your loved ones. You see, when your loved ones know that you have solid, healthy boundaries, after a while they will have no choice but to adjust to you.
It shifts you from the role of enabler to the role of chief supporter of your loved ones. Your loved ones will finally learn to take a moment to try to help themselves first before they jump on the phone to call you. They will learn how to think for themselves and find solutions for themselves before tapping into you. This is a win-win for everyone.
But before you can notice behavioral change, the change has to first of all start in your mind. Particularly in your actual brain. Through Brainspotting therapy in Houston, we work on releasing some of the guilt and anxiety that you have around boundary setting. We identify some of the emotional blocks and areas of ‘stuckness’ that have been hardwired into you. Once your body has been able to process, digest and then release these emotional blocks, they no longer have you in a chokehold.
You will then find that it is so much easier to know how you are feeling around boundary setting, identify the boundaries that are healthy for you and then go one more step by communicating exactly what the boundaries are. You can become a communication ninja who is able to be both assertive and kind. Yes, it is possible.
People-Pleasing vs. Personal Power: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Set Loving Boundaries
One of the struggles I see in my Houston therapy practice is that a lot of my highly sensitive female clients often struggle with the need to please others. They want people to be happy with them, they want to be liked and they do not like to ruffle feathers. They also do not enjoy having difficult conversations in their personal relationships. They want to be seen as the good, kind woman. And most of my clients are indeed the good, kind woman.
But the problem with people pleasing is that you always find yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Sometimes, even your loved ones who might come off as having the best of intentions, will sometimes take advantage of your kind nature. And so the question becomes, “How do I maintain personal power in my relationships?”
The first thing to ask yourself when you are creating boundaries is “How do I feel about the situation?” Use feeling words like ‘Happy, confused, disrespected, sad, overlooked, invisible.’ This can help you really pinpoint what is going on for you internally.
Next, ask yourself “How do I want to feel about the situation?” Use another feeling word like ‘Empowered, strong, happy, respected, important.’
Now that you know the outcome that you want, it is time to identify what you need.
For example, if you want to feel empowered, then you might need to have your voice be heard. A simple way to state what you need is by using this simple formula:
I feel [insert emotion word] about [insert situation], what I need is [insert need here].
Spend some time practicing this formula until you feel confident about it. Once you feel a little bit more confident about it, then it is time to communicate it to your loved one. Remember that boundary setting does not happen overnight, it is some thing that you get better at as you practice more and more.
Boundaries Without the Guilt: How to Say ‘No’ and Still Feel Like the Amazing Woman You Are
Setting firm boundaries in your personal relationships will actually create closeness in those relationships. If you are in relationships with people who care about you and respect you, they actually want to ensure that your boundaries are protected. They care about your well-being, and so they will be willing to listen to you when you tell them what is hurtful versus what can empower you.
Sometimes when you set boundaries, you might feel like you're letting others down. But remember that you cannot be all things to all people all the time. There will be times when you cannot meet the needs of others because your needs are not being met or because you're simply too tired. Sometimes your schedule is just so full that you cannot accommodate everybody else. You are not a martyr. It is important that your needs are met and your feelings are treated as important too.
And so when you start to set boundaries, remind yourself that it is OK to let others down sometimes. It is also OK that your needs be met as well. Boundary setting helps people understand what your need are and it helps them be there for you. That also creates a level of vulnerability. Without vulnerability there is not true, deep connection with our loved ones.
Stop the Overwhelm: How Brainspotting Helps High-Performing Women Set Clear Boundaries
One of my favorite things about Brainspotting therapy in Houston is that it actually helps to calm your nervous system by giving highly sensitive women the clarity and confidence they need to set boundaries that protect their emotional well-being. When you know that you were able to speak up for yourself and set good boundaries, you feel so much more comfortable in your own skin. You feel like you're able to protect yourself from the big, bad world. Your loved ones also know how to meet you at the point of your need, so you know longer have to wear the cape of superwoman. Brainspotting provides so much clarity and you begin to notice behavioral and relational patterns that you did not even know were there. When you know these patterns, you are at a better position to fix them.
Ready to set boundaries without the guilt? Try Brainspotting Therapy in Houston! Brainspotting can help you find emotional clarity, set boundaries, and maintain healthy personal relationships—all while thriving in your high-achieving lifestyle. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation call today and find out if Brainspotting therapy in Houston is right for you.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Balancing Sensitivity and Assertiveness: Tips for Highly Sensitive People
Finding the balance between sensitivity and assertiveness can feel tricky, but it’s absolutely possible! This blog explores practical tips to help highly sensitive people set boundaries with confidence. Need extra support? Trauma therapy in Houston with a Christian therapist in Houston can help you thrive!
Speak Up Without Shutting Down: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Find Their Assertive Voice
One of the difficulties of high sensitivity is being able to communicate effectively and assertively when you are feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes you find that it is much easier for you to write out your thoughts than actually speaking them out loud. But that's OK because we all process differently. The good thing about high sensitivity is that there's really nothing that you need to fix about yourself, you just have to learn how to live with your trait. Once you learn how to live with your trait, your relationships can blossom.
Sometimes when you do try to assert yourself in your personal relationships, you either feel overwhelmed or you think you are being mean. But remember, assertiveness simply means that you are talking to someone with the assumption that both of you matter. This means that your needs deserve to be met and so do theirs. Aggressiveness or meanness, means approaching a relationship with the assumption that the other persons needs do not matter.
A great way of remedying this situation, is to take a short time out when you feel overwhelmed, Rather than trying to push the big emotions away, take a break and lean into them. Notice the emotions welling up in your body. Acknowledge them and let them be there until they are ready to simmer down. Don’t try to fix the situation while still feeling overwhelmed.
The next step is to find an activity to take your mind off the situation. It could be going outside and noticing the passersby, writing, working out, praying, music, singing or spending time alone. Do whatever soothes you. Once you feel adequately soothed, you can now spend some time figuring out why you feel the way that you do and how you want to communicate your needs verbally. If it helps to write it out first, then do so. If it helps to practice what you’re going to say in your head or out loud, then do so. This could give you the confidence you need.
And if you just get stuck in the chronic cycle of shutting down, enter Brainspotting therapy in Houston. This is a great way to help you get unstuck and break habits that have not been serving you well. Brainspotting therapy in Houston can help you uncover the root of people pleasing and also help you build the confidence that you need to speak up assertively. Because if you have not uprooted people pleasing, speaking assertively will be very difficult for you.
How to Be Both Empathetic and Assertive in Your Relationships (Yes, You Can Do Both!)
Yes, it is actually possible to be empathetic and assertive at the same time. Because the root of assertiveness lies in the idea that both people in the relationship are important. And empathy is really about understanding the other person’s point of view and emotions. To be assertive means that you were able to take the other person into consideration, honor their emotions and state your point of view to get your needs met.
Before trying to be assertive with someone, ensure that you are not in an emotionally overwhelmed state. It is OK if you take some time to breathe and gather your thoughts. You might also want to practice your statement a few times before actually saying it to them. This ensures that you'll be able to discuss it in a clearheaded and confident manner. Ask yourself what outcome you are looking to achieve. And that will determine exactly what to say and how to say it. Remember to state what you have to say calmly and confidently. You might want to ask them to give you some time to talk without them interrupting you (to reduce feelings of overwhelm). And if you feel like past traumas or fears are preventing you from standing up for yourself, consider Brainspotting therapy in Houston. It is a great way to quickly uproot difficult emotional blocks that are keeping you stuck and preventing you from being the assertiveness boss lady that you know you can be.
Empathy is helping people also respect you and your feelings. We do others a disservice when we cater to them uneccesraily. The kind thing to do is show them how to share space with you by assertively speaking up when you do have soothing to say.
Here’s a quick formula to help you with assertiveness.
“I feel [insert feeling word] about [identify the situation]. And here’s what I need [include your direct and specific needs here].”
For example:
“ I feel upset about not being included in the planning. What I need is an invite to the planning committee.”
“I feel disrespected when you stare at your phone when speaking to me. What I need is eye contact when I am speaking to you.”
Setting Boundaries with Love: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Assert Themselves Without Guilt
When you are thinking about setting clear boundaries with others, remember your why. Give yourself one or two reasons why these boundaries are actually important to you. What do you have to gain from setting these boundaries? What will you lose if you refuse to set the boundary? What part of your life is not working well because you have refused to set boundaries?
You might even want to write this down on an index card or on your phone so that you can constantly remind yourself about the importance of boundary setting. For most people, lack of boundary setting can lead to people pleasing, frustration, and a breakdown in the relationship. You might even feel that you're constantly being used by the other person with nothing to gain on your part. Once you know exactly why boundary setting is important, it is a lot easier to finally set better boundaries. And ensure that when you want to set the boundary, you actually create rules that you are able to keep.
Start small, be firm, yet loving. Remember that when you set boundaries, it actually helps the other person respect you more. And respectful relationships are healthy relationships.
Here’s the simple formula again. First address your emotions, then say what led to the emotions. Finally, ask for what you need.
“I feel disrespected because you did not invite me to the dinner with the team. What I would like is to be included in team meetings and dinners.” It’s simple and straight to the point.
Here’s another example.
“I feel tired from working all day. I would like to stay home instead of go out tonight.”
To take the guilt away, remind yourself that healthy assertive boundaries help people respect you and also understand your needs. Assertiveness teaches others how to treat us so that we don’t feel stepped on.
From Overwhelmed to Empowered: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Master Assertive Communication
High performing women can quickly fall into the trap of constantly being overwhelmed by taking on the responsibility of others and creating mile long to do lists. High-performing women also struggle with asking for help and delegating when they do need it. And because of the elements of people pleasing, highly sensitive high-performing women sometimes struggle in silence while appearing to look competent.
Because you look so competent and you always seem to figure things out, nobody knows that you are struggling and so nobody comes to your aid. But when you have mastered the art of assertive communication, people tend to see you as human as opposed to a superwoman.
Instead of beginning your boundary setting journey with tough conversations, begin to practice outsourcing tasks to other people. You do not have to lead with “I am overwhelmed.” Simply look around and begin to take some things off your plate. This communicates to others that you need help just like everybody else. And sometimes when these conversations feel too tough for you, remember your why.
Remember how your shoulders feel like they are breaking and ask yourself what will happen to you if you don't actually do this. If this feels too hard to do on your own, then Brainspotting therapy in Houston can help. It can help you better communicate your needs so that you can build stronger relationships through assertive communication.
Why Assertiveness Is the Key to Healthy Relationships (and How Brainspotting Can Help)
Sometimes you feel like your needs are never met in your friendships. Everyone gets what they want, but no one even remembers to check up on you. Well, in this case, it might be because you are not speaking up. Consider that people might not know what you need, unless you actually tell them what you need.
But because you have such a great poker face, you tend to look like everything is alright- when it’s not. Assertiveness is a great way to know whether or not your friends are safe. If your needs go unmet because you never told your loved ones what you need, we can argue that they don’t know your needs. However, if your needs are going unmet despite telling them what you need- that’s different story,
Assertiveness helps build vulnerability, connection and trust. When you can tell people what you need clearly, it allows them to bless you by serving you, checking up on you and providing emotional safety. If you struggle with people pleasing or being direct with people brainspotting therapy in Houston could help. It could help you heal trauma that may be blocking your ability to stand up for yourself and create healthier, more balanced relationships.
And my favorite thing about brainspotting is that it’s quite gentle on your brain.
Struggling to balance sensitivity and assertiveness in your relationships? You’re not alone. As a trauma therapist in Houston specializing in working with high-performing, highly sensitive women, I use brainspotting therapy to help you overcome the fear of speaking up, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger relationships. Whether you’re seeking a Black therapist in Houston or need trauma therapy in Houston, virtual sessions are available. Book your free 15-minute consultation session today and start your journey toward empowered relationships!
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?