Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
People pleasing vs personal power: How highly sensitive women can set loving boundaries
Struggling with people pleasing? Learn how highly sensitive women can set loving boundaries without guilt. Our blog, People Pleasing vs. Personal Power, explores shifting from saying “yes” to everyone to reclaiming your energy and confidence. Discover tips for kindness and empowerment today!
Understanding People-Pleasing: The Hidden Cost for Highly Sensitive Women
Most highly sensitive women that I know are well loved by the people around them. Why? Because of their warmth and empathy. Because highly sensitive women are such deep thinkers and feelers, they are really great at shouldering the problems of others, lending a hand and solving problems.
When a highly sensitive woman comes in contact with a person in need, she can almost feel the person’s pain. But what they are actually feeling is deep empathy. Because of the empathy, they sometimes will jump in to rescue the person from pain or perceived danger. The more people notice that you are great at helping them with their problems, solving struggles and listening, the more they come to you. Now the problem with that is that it could quickly lead to emotional exhaustion.
Many HSPs spend so much time taking care of the needs of others, that they do not have time for themselves. Imagine spending all day absorbing the emotions of others and brainstorming how to help. There is zero time to recharge and reflect- which is essential to the wellbeing of HSPs. Because they do not want to be perceived as mean or selfish, they often keep silent while others walk all over them. This could lead to resentment, sadness and even a strain in your personal relationships.
The Power of "No": Why Setting Boundaries is Essential for Your Well-Being
To get rid of resentment, it is important that you learn how to set clear boundaries and say “No.” You do not have to help everyone every time just because you can. Whenever you jump in to solve a problem that could have been solved by the other person, you actually rob them of the opportunity to problem solve and strategize.
When a person is spending majority of their energy on others, without paying enough attention to themselves, it takes a huge toll. Take a step back. Ask yourself where boundaries need to be set. Who are the people in your life that are using up too much of your bandwidth? In what areas do you need to stand up for yourself or reset those boundaries?
At first when you say “No,” people around you might be shocked, but if you hang in there, they will eventually understand that this is your new way of living. The thing about boundaries is that it is your job to enforce them, or no one will take you seriously.
Balancing Empathy and Assertiveness: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women
When setting boundaries, it is important to remember that your needs matter too. Setting boundaries does not mean that you have to put your empathetic side away. It means that you can juggle both. Assertiveness means that your needs matter just as much as the needs of others.
When you are called upon to solve a problem, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?
2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?
3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?
4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?
Take time to reflect on the above and make a sound decision after this. Remember that saying “No” when you are asked for help, does not make you a mean person. It actually helps people respect you better. It sends the message that even though you are capable of solving their problem, your time and energy are also important. They cannot just barge in whenever they want, with the expectation that you will drop everything and serve them. This is not being mean. It is respecting yourself and others.
Real Stories, Real Change: How Women Like You Have Overcome People-Pleasing
Still wondering how on earth you can become a high performing highly sensitive woman who can keep your empathy and still jump in to help people? Let me walk you through an anecdotal story (Don’t worry, this is not an example from a real client. I protect their privacy at all costs!)
Jane is a highly sensitive woman who is great at everything she does. She always got amazing grades in school, followed all the rules, and she has steadily worked hard to accomplish most of her goals. She is the eldest daughter of a large family, and because of this, she has always been the second mom to her siblings. While this has helped her become super responsible, she is tired. Tired of shouldering the family’s burdens. Tired of being the one called upon to help with finances. Tired of being the one who takes care of everyone’s needs. Tired of being the one who organizes everything. Whenever something important comes up, everyone seems to take a back seat and expects her to step it up.
Jane realized one day that even though she loves her family of origin and wants to fulfill her duty as the eldest, she was exhausted, resentful and beginning to ignore calls and texts from family members. She felt trapped. Something needed to change.
Jane started delegating when it was time to get stuff done within the family. She also started telling them when she would be unavailable to answer phone calls. She set up a discretionary fund each month in case of family emergencies. Once that money was gone, she didn’t give any more. She started focusing on what she had the bandwidth to do. She stuck with her boundaries. At first, her family was exasperated. They tried to guilt her into taking all the responsibilities that she was trying to leave behind. But she stood her ground. She let them know that she is stressed out, on the verge of depression, she cries sometimes and the responsibility is too much for her to bear.
Over time, her family grudgingly started respecting her boundaries. They stopped being offended when she ignored calls sometimes. They started pitching in when Jane asked for help. They eventually became a cohesive family unit. Jane’s resentment left, she was much happier and she had more time to spend on the things she actually loved.
As you can see, boundary setting is not easy, You will experience push back form your family and loved ones, but the only way to release yourself from the burden is to actually consistently set boundaries.
Seeking Support: How a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help You Thrive
I see clients like Jane all the time. Clients who are from beautiful collectivist cultures in which the collective wants to act like disjointed individuals. They love their families, but they don’t want them to think they are being mean when they say “No.” My job is not to change your culture or help you run away from your family and loved ones. My job is to help you decide what you have the bandwidth for, how you want to actually maneuver the situation and empower you to say what’s on your mind.
At first it will be difficult, but the more you practice boundary setting, the more you get used to it. It eventually will become your default and the people around you will adjust to suit your new pace. A skilled Black therapist in Houston can help you create a culturally appropriate boundary setting plan.
Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Today!
Break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and start setting loving boundaries. Reach out to me- a Black therapist - to begin your journey toward personal empowerment and healthier relationships! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
What to do when people call you “Weird.”
One of the biggest struggles that highly sensitive people experience is that their emotions are constantly being invalidated by loved ones and close relatives. It appears that they are misunderstood at every turn. When you're highly sensitive, it is very difficult to actually show up as your true self – especially if that true self is seen as unacceptable or strange to the people around you.
One of the biggest struggles that highly sensitive people experience is that their emotions are constantly being invalidated by loved ones and close relatives. It appears that they are misunderstood at every turn. When you're highly sensitive, it is very difficult to actually show up as your true self – especially if that true self is seen as unacceptable or strange to the people around you.
So highly sensitive people often learn how to mask who they are. They are one person when they are alone, and when they leave their houses and show up in public spaces, they become someone else. Now because high sensitivity comes with deep emotional processing, the process of noticing subtle details in the world, while trying to regulate your emotions, while trying to hide said emotions, can lead to a heap of overwhelm.
And sometimes, it starts at a young age. The kids in the school yard notice that you are a little bit different. Or maybe because you have such a keen sense of observation, you notice that you are different than the people around you. Then someone says something to you. The word ‘Weird’ is thrown around. You then go on a journey to prove to others that you are not indeed weird.
You study the world around you so that you can ‘Adapt’ and ‘Assimilate.’ It seems to work, but as you get older, there is an incongruence. Your heart wants you to be one way, while your head tells you to be someone different. You learn how to excuse yourself before tears stream down your face. Because you know crying in public is forbidden. You learn to ignore rude comments that people make about your sensitivity. But it takes a toll.
Do you know that your life does not have to be that way? It’s possible to enjoy your sensitivity and stand up for yourself when people talk down to you.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Reframe what ‘weird’ means
People tend to be afraid of what they do not understand. And when they are not afraid of what they do not understand, they tend to dismiss what they do not understand.
Remember that highly sensitive people only make up about 20 to 30% of the population, so the other 70 to 80% of the population probably have no idea why you react the way that you do. They have no idea how deep your feelings are and how strong your empathy is. Whenever somebody calls you weird, remind yourself that you are not indeed weird, you are just unique- an outlier. Outliers are misunderstood.
2) Sit with your feelings
Even if you have spent most of your life being ignored on invalidated, it is important to start to validate your own feelings. It is OK to allow yourself to be sad or angry or frustrated. Many highly sensitive people have had to push down their feelings to make other people more comfortable. But it is time to allow yourself to begin to feel a myriad of feelings aside from just joy.
3) Stand up for yourself
A big part of healing as a highly sensitive adult is learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. And when I say stand up for yourself, I do not mean being rude or yelling at other people. They are great ways to set boundaries without actually raising your voice or going out of your natural character. For example, if somebody calls you "weird." It is perfectly OK for you to say "I find that statement insulting.” Even if they do not apologize or feel remorse for hurting your feelings, it is still important to stand up for yourself.
There you have it. Three ways to begin to address others when they call you weird. If you're a highly sensitive woman who is tired of putting your needs on the back burner and you're ready to learn more about your sensitivity, get rid of overwhelm and finally learn how to stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call with me.
I’m a Black therapist in Houston who helps women like you finally learn how to get your needs met without compromising who you are.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
A simple 4-step soothing nighttime routine for highly sensitive people
Highly sensitive people are especially prone to feeling stressed out, cranky or overwhelmed when they do not get enough sleep (I know this all too well). It might take you longer to settle in at night, and you might notice that you need more sleep that your adult counterparts.
So if you notice that you need more than 8 hours of sleep- know that it’s totally normal. Here are some things you can do to set you up for a great night of uninterrupted sleep.
Highly sensitive people are especially prone to feeling stressed out, cranky or overwhelmed when they do not get enough sleep (I know this all too well). It might take you longer to settle in at night, and you might notice that you need more sleep that your adult counterparts.
So if you notice that you need more than 8 hours of sleep- know that it’s totally normal. Here are some things you can do to set you up for a great night of uninterrupted sleep.
1) Take some time to unwind after your work day
One of the struggles that highly sensitive people often face is that there is difficulty transitioning from one activity to the other. For example, it might be hard for you to settle down when you come home from work. I don’t suggest you just plop into your bed and expect your body to shut down.
Rather, carve out 10 to 30 minutes engaging in an activity that can take your mind off all the stressful activities of the day. This can look like eating a yummy meal, engaging on the phone with a funny friend, listening to some music and dancing as you go along, a podcast, prayer, changing out of your clothes, etc. You might have to try a few activities to figure out what will work for you. And if you don’t like baths (‘cos the internet seems to love bubble baths), you don’t ever have to take one.
P.S: If you are a parent to a little one, you might not have the luxury of carving out 30 minutes. Just do what you can. It gets easier. I promise!
2) Reflect on your day
Had a bad day? Well don’t just pull the covers over your head and expect your brain to forget. Many people spend about an hour tossing and turning in bed because they have not adequately processed the emotions that came up during the day.
It sometimes feels like your heart is pounding out of your chest as you think over the stressors of your day. Sit in a quiet place and allow yourself to do what feels natural- talk it through with someone if that helps. Some people like to pray about it. Others journal, still others talk to themselves about it.
Don’t sleep on talking to yourself. It sounds funny, but feels good.
3) Spend 5 minutes tidying up your bedroom
I often say that your bedroom is your sanctuary. It’s the place your tired mind and body get to spend a huge amount of time. It’s the place where cellular turnover happens. It should be a place of peace, calm and joy.
Highly sensitive people can easily get overstimulated with clutter. But the irony is that we can quickly create clutter when we are in a busy season or going through a lot.
But if you spend 5 minutes at the end of each day tidying up, you’ll save yourself some headache. Try this practice and watch your life change
P.S: I’m also an insomnia expert, so here’s a link to my previous blog posts on everything sleep.
4) Get rid of distractions
Before going into the bed, think of anything that could possibly wake you up from sleep (aside from little ones) and figure out how to silence those things for the next 8-10 hours.
This can include social media notifications, text notifications, television, your laptop, annoyingly bright lights, itchy sheets, labels in your pajamas, uncomfortable room temperature, etc.
The next time you lay in bed, think of things that have bothered you- then get rid of them. For example, if you notice that the sun hits you in the face every morning, consider closing the blinds before going to bed.
A soothing nighttime routine doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. It’s just something you have to be consistent with.
What is 1 thing you have to do before going to bed? I’d love to find out.
If you’re a highly sensitive woman who is looking to finally understand sensitivity, learn how to manage overwhelm and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call with me. I’d love to connect with you.
My framework for helping highly sensitive women understand sensitivity, stand up for themselves and get rid of overwhelm.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Overwhelmed? Here's how to quickly calm your highly sensitive brain
One of the biggest struggles of high sensitivity is the constant feeling of overwhelm. Because you feel so deeply and you are processing stimuli around you so much, it is quite easy to fall into the trap of constant overwhelm.
Overwhelm isn’t something we can escape altogether, because everyone has seasons in which they are pulled to absolute capacity. However, when we are in those seasons, there are ways to take a step back and regain our calm.
Here’s how:
1) Turn off as much stimulation as you can
One of the fastest ways to quiet an overwhelmed mind is to turn off as much stimulation as you can. Think of your five senses.
If the lights around you are super bright, consider dimming them or moving to a space with very low light. If there's a lot of sound around you, turn some of it off. This could be your computer, your phone, your TV, or just step away for a moment from all the noise around you.
If you're wearing multiple layers or your clothing feels itchy or uncomfortable, it might be time to change into something more comfortable if you are able to do so. Turning off the immediate stimulation helps to quiet down some of the noise so that you can move through the other steps I'm about to talk about.
2) Do a positive replay of your day
If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, it might be time to think about what went well that day. Run your mind through some of the positive aspects of the day. This is the opposite of what we typically do- we think about everything we have going on and what is going wrong. Focus on 1 positive thing.
3) Get some sleep or rest
I have always had an obsession with sleep. One of the quickest ways to reset is just to lay down and close your eyes. Even if you're not able to sleep, just give your body a chance to restart or shut off for a moment. Power naps are typically helpful if you're able to do so, or just sit somewhere quiet and close your eyes for a while. When you're doing this, try really hard not to think about everything that you have going on. Just focus on the world around you think of sights, sounds and smells. Music can help to relax the mind and body.
4) Call a friend
One of the biggest traps that introverted highly sensitive people will fall into is the trap of isolation. When you have tried to unspiral yourself and it is not successful, it is very important that you have someone safe who you can turn to. This person does not even have to be highly sensitive, they just have to be somebody who is full of empathy. You can even pick a codeword with a friend. And the friend will just fill you with positivity, and help you shift your mind in a different direction. The goal is not for them to lie to you, the goal is just to help you shift your mind so that you can take a break and then go back into calm shape.
You in turn have to be comfortable with vulnerability and asking for help.
And there you have it. 4 simple ways to nip overwhelm in the bud.
Ready to master your sensitivity so you can reduce overwhelm, stand up for yourself and set better boundaries? Click here to schedule your free 15-min consult call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
4 common triggers for high sensitivity and how to manage them
Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.
Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make seemingly easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.
Remember that high sensitivity is not a disorder. It’s simply a part of who you are, and you can thrive once you understand it.
Not sure whether or not you are highly sensitive? Click here.
Here are 4 common triggers for highly sensitive people
1) Moving too fast
We live in a world in which things are moving faster and faster all the time. People are multitasking constantly- we even boast about getting 4 hours of sleep while juggling 3 businesses, 9 kids and a husband. As a highly sensitive woman, you might feel less than because you might not have the bandwidth to sustain such a lifestyle.
A life that moves at the speed of light can be a big trigger for highly sensitive people. Does that mean you can never become an ER physician or some other career that entails moving fast? Nope. It just means that you have to put systems in place that allow to care for yourself while in busy seasons.
This is where schedules and routines come in handy. Before rushing out in the morning, take a few minutes to get ready for the hectic day. Your cup has to be filled so that it doesn’t completely empty out.
That can look like:
Having a good breakfast (hunger is a BIG trigger for us HSPs)
Ensuring you get enough sleep at night
Starting the day off slowly in prayer or Bible study (rather than with the TV, news or emails)
Talking on the phone with an encouraging friend
Prioritizing certain tasks, rather than trying to juggle too many things at once
Learning to set good boundaries and say “No” when you are at capacity
2) Not enough alone time
Did you know that most highly sensitive people are introverts? Yup! But even if you are a highly sensitive extrovert, alone time is priceless. This is because of how highly sensitive people spend so much time deeply processing the world around them.
By the end of the day, it becomes so much that reducing stimulation is a great way to recharge.
What can that look like?
Taking a few minutes to sit in the car to breathe and reset before facing the many people who depend on you at home.
Have a ‘me time’ routine- which could look like whatever feels good to you- watching TV, reading, sewing, working out, sitting in silence (my favorite), etc. You make the rules. Try different things and see what works for you.
3) Hanging out with the wrong people
I am convinced that every highly sensitive person needs at least one healthy highly sensitive friend in their life. This does not mean that highly sensitive people are superior to non-highly sensitive people, it just means that it is sometimes nice to not have to explain yourself to others.
And it does not mean that all highly sensitive people are the same- we could still have disagreements, as not every highly sensitive person is necessarily empathetic or kind.
But when you constantly hang out with people who question your sensitivity, who speak unkindly to you, who make you feel small, or who dismiss your feelings, you will be triggered all day long.
So what do you do about this?
Take stock of the relationships you currently have.
Do they serve you well or is it just a one-way street? Do you feel happier when you are around your closest friends? Or do you have to pretend to be someone you are not? Remember that you have a voice and choice.
Do a friendship edit.
Once you have taken stock of the people around you, decide which ones are healthy, and which ones are not. You definitely will know people who are unhealthy, because they are the ones whose phone calls you dread taking. They also the ones you can be authentic with. Decide what you want to do with those relationships, do you want to continue to suffer, or are you able to speak to that person about how they hurt you? A safe friend listens and adjusts accordingly.
4) Ignoring your physical needs
Highly sensitive people tend to be more triggered by sickness, hunger and tiredness than their non sensitive colleagues. In a bid to want to ‘push through’ and ‘hustle,’ sometimes we ignore actual physical needs.
The fix?
Stop skipping meals- even if everyone seems to do so.
Take breaks when possible- again, even if others think you are ‘lazy’ or ‘low energy.’
Take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. It’s okay to seek medical attention and NOT push through.
And there you have it.
Ready to ditch the constant overwhelm, finally learn how to stand up for yourself and finally make high sensitivity your super power? Click here to schedule a consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I am a licensed therapist and coach in Houston.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
How to assertively set healthy boundaries in marriage and other relationships
The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.
Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.
The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.
Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.
It is important to note that you are in control of your own boundaries. You decide what is good for you, what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable. And it is your responsibility to communicate that to others. Boundaries are a practice. The more you practice it, the better you get at it.
Understand where your comfort zone lies
Before you are able to set boundaries, you must first know where your comfort zone is. A boundary is there to protect you and to help others understand how to treat you. The biggest struggle I hear about boundary setting is not wanting to hurt other people’s feeling. Before focusing on others, first check in with yourself and ask these questions:
What do I actually want?
How do I feel about the situation?
What outcome do I want?
Decide what to say
Once you have decided what you want from the situation, it’s time to practice what to say. Practice makes things better because as a HSP, you might not feel comfortable expressing yourself without prior practice. Here is a simple framework to help you ask for what you want:
State your feelings: “I feel [hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, ignored, disrespected].”
State why you feel that way: “Because you were staring at your phone when I was speaking to you.”
State your need: “What I need is for you to make eye contact with me when we are talking about serious issues.”
Keep Practicing
The more you practice boundaries, the better you get at it. If you falter a few times, it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get better with time.
If you are a highly sensitive woman who wants to learn how to manage big emotions, stand up for yourself and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule a free breakthrough call so you can learn how to make sensitivity your super power. Let’s see if you can benefit from a high sensitivity coach.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?