Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
Lessons to superwoman: How to manage the fear of success
Most of us have heard of the fear of failure, but did you know that a lot of women actually have the fear of success? As a therapist in Temecula, CA, I hear about this a lot. Here's what to do if you struggle with the fear of success.
Most of us have heard of the fear of failure, but did you know that a lot of women actually have the fear of success? As a therapist in Temecula, CA, I hear about this a lot. Here's what to do if you struggle with the fear of success.
Get honest about what your true thoughts are on success
Think about some of the women around you who have been successful. What is it about them that you admire? What is it about them that you dislike? What is your mind telling you will happen if people view you continue to climb up the ladder of success?
Do you have the fear of being seen? Do you worry that being successful will take away your ‘street cred?’ Or perhaps do you worry that your friends and family will no longer be able to connect with you if you were much more successful than them? Maybe you’re worried that your spouse will feel threatened if you are successful. This is something you can process in counseling.
It is important that you get clear about some of the thoughts that come up for you, so that you are able to work through them. Get out a sheet of paper and write out about 2 to 3 thoughts that come up for you when you think about being successful.
Remind yourself how hard you have worked
People who worry about being successful are often people who are high achieving, goal oriented, and hard-working. Although at the back of your mind you know that you want your hard work to pay off, but these pesky thoughts keep coming in the way to block you.
Next the list of your thoughts about success, write down reasons why you deserve to be successful. Remind yourself of how hard you have worked, remind yourself about how brilliant that you are, remind yourself of how deserving you are to be recognized for your efforts.
Remember, being successful does not really have anything to do with being famous, being successful simply means that your efforts are fruitful. And everyone deserves to be rewarded for their efforts – including you. Luckily, counseling or therapy can help.
Get some wise mentorship
Being comfortable with success can seem almost impossible if you do not hang out with people who are way higher on the ladder of success than you are. You can start by doing a social media search. Find women who are doing exactly what it is that you want to be doing in five years.
During my counseling sessions in Murrieta, I often encourage my clients to be bold. If you feel comfortable, you can even reach out to them and let them know that you are inspired by them. When we spend time with people who are more successful than us, and we begin to see that successful people are just as human as we are, it eases some of the stress associated with the fear of success.
Continuously affirm yourself
Positive affirmations have been a longstanding top in counseling or therapy. When you struggle with the fear of being seen, or the fear of success, chances are that your mind is filled with a lot of negative thoughts such as "I do not belong here," “I will never be successful," “Being successful is scary,,” "They know a lot more than me." So as you get up every morning, write down positive affirmations to help you bring your mind to where your heart is.
Some of the affirmations could go something like this:
“I am just as smart and deserving as everyone else.” “I deserve success.” “I deserve for my hard work to be rewarded.” “I deserve a seat at the table.” “I belong in the company of successful people.” “As a successful woman, I will have a bigger reach to help people.”
Remember that you are deserving in all that you do. And also remember that the fear of success is actually quite common. I hear this problem over and over again in my counseling sessions for anxious women in the Murrieta Temecula area. So go easy on yourself.
If you are a high achieving, goal oriented woman of color who struggles with the fear of success or the fear of being seen, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that you can better manage those pesky thoughts and finally feel confident sitting at the table of success. You deserve success.
Simple tips for a successful marriage: Repair when you've messed up
Sometimes when you're speaking to your partner, you get so upset and you say the wrong thing.
Before the words come out of your mouth you instinctively know that you have hit below the belt. The great news is that no matter what you say to your partner, you can still repair your relationship with them. As a therapist in the Temecula area who provides marriage counseling, I’ve probably seen and heard it all.
Sometimes when you're speaking to your partner, you get so upset and you say the wrong thing.
Before the words come out of your mouth you instinctively know that you have hit below the belt. The great news is that no matter what you say to your partner, you can still repair your relationship with them. As a therapist in the Temecula area who provides marriage counseling, I’ve probably seen and heard it all.
Here are six simple ways to repair when you have messed up in your marriage. Please note that this post is not talking about abusive behavior or infidelity. I am simply just focusing on repairing when you have been careless with your words or gotten into an argument.
The goal of the conversation: To repair and take responsibility
Before you start talking to your spouse remember that the goal of this conversation is to repair and seek understanding, rather than defend yourself or blame your spouse. If you get defensive, it will only make things worse. So it is important that you take responsibility for the things that you have said, and then apologize.
Step 1: Share how you felt
The first step is to share how you felt. This is an important skill I teach as a therapist in the Murrieta, Temecula area.
You don't have to explain why you felt the way that you felt. It is important for your partner to understand what was going on for you internally. Use some feeling words.
You can say something as simple as "I felt defensive." Or “I felt disrespected." Or “I felt shocked.” Or you can say “I felt afraid.” This will help your partner feel a little bit more connected to you.
Step 2: Describe your point of view
Describe to your spouse what you feel happened during the incident. Do not describe what you think they did or how you think they felt. Just stick to describing your perception of the situation. It is important that you do not point the finger, attack them, or blame them.
Just state the facts of what you said or what you think you heard them say. So for example you can frame it as "I heard you say…” Don’t get stuck on the semantics of things. Just focus on your reality.
Step 3: Give your spouse space to speak
Next it's time for you to give your spouse a chance to speak their own reality. Listen to their side of the story, and do not focus on trying to correct them or blame them. When they speak, try to summarize what you're hearing them saying, and also validate their experiences. For example you can say something like "I can see how you heard that.” “I can understand why that felt offensive.”
Ensure that they feel understood before you move on. If they don't, you can ask them to give you more information to ensure that they are actually feeling understood. This is the one area where couples get stuck in my Temecula marriage counseling sessions.
Also help them understand some of your experiences that have triggered why you felt the way that you felt. For example let's say you feel disrespected because your spouse did not consult you before doing something important. You can say to them “I am sensitive to feeling ignored because it reminds me of the time that you made a big purchase without me.”
Step 4: Take responsibility for your role in the communication breakdown
I talk about this a lot when I facilitate marriage counseling in Murrieta. It's now time to take responsibility for your role in the fight. Let them know what your state of mind was before you said what you said.
For example you can say:
“I've been feeling stressed lately.”
“I've been taking you for granted”
“I've been ignoring you.”
“I've been completely exhausted lately.”
“I've been feeling like I'm tired lately.
Specify what you regret and also apologize for what you said wrong. Be very specific.
For example “I am sorry for yelling at you.” “I'm sorry that I attacked you.” Or “I'm sorry for disrespecting you.”
Step 5: Make a plan for the future
After apologizing, tell your spouse what you need if this situation comes up again in the future.
Make a plan for what to do if the situation comes up again. Help your spouse understand the way you want to be treated, and also get a good understanding of how they want to be talked to. This prevents persistent problems from happening over and over again.
Having a successful marriage takes an immense amount of work and great communication, however every marriage can become an amazing marriage with friendship and intimacy in abundance.
If you're looking for a black marriage counselor in the Temecula, Murrieta area, and you're ready to take your marriage to a new, healthy place, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. Your future, healthy marriage thanks you.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
8 Ways to Make Your Bedroom More Conducive to Sleep
Below is a guest post from Cheryl Conklin of Wellness Central.
Important studies have shown that getting enough sleep can improve mood and positively influence mental health. What’s more, sleep deprivation can actually exacerbate mental health struggles. That said, getting enough quality sleep can be difficult. Here are a few ways you can make your bedroom a more conducive space for sleep.
If you’re having difficulty sleeping, The Zinnia Practice offers therapy for high achieving women with anxiety and insomnia. Book a free 15-minute consultation today.
Woman sleeping. Photo via pexels
1. Get some blackout curtains
Data from the Institute for Cancer Research shows that having too much light in your room is associated with a number of negative health effects, including weight problems and problems with regulating your body’s internal clock. Sleeping in a dark room will help your body identify when it’s time to rest. You can find blackout curtains online or at your local furniture stores. They’re relatively easy to install and can help you stay asleep.
2. Reduce external noise
If you can’t control all of the external noises or sounds in the area that you’re sleeping, consider using a white noise machine. A white noise machine basically sends out a constant stream of low volume noise that can mask other distracting sounds in the background. You can also reduce noise by using ear plugs, although earplugs can cause buildup. Fans are also an effective way of adding white noise.
3. Modify the temperature
Your body temperature naturally drops when you sleep. Some scientists think that this small drop in temperature is the way that your body syncs up its circadian rhythms and helps you get quality rest. Modifying your bedroom temperature can help with this as well. Try making your room slightly colder. Don’t make it too cold that you can’t fall asleep, but make it cool enough that you’ll be able to fall asleep comfortably.
4. Check your mattress
If your mattress is more than 10 years old, it’s likely to be pretty well worn and, unfortunately, a worn-out mattress may not provide your body the support it needs. If you aren’t getting good enough support while you sleep, the sleep you are getting won’t be of high quality. If you need to upgrade your mattress, the options can feel overwhelming. Narrow down your choices by focusing on your sleeping position and body type (two important considerations when choosing the best mattress), and then pair that with honest online reviews of popular brands.
5. Only use bedroom for sleep
If you use your bedroom for a lot of tasks, it can be a lot harder to easily fall asleep. Try not to use your bed for working on your computer. The same goes for looking at your cell phone, reading and other mind-stimulating activities. If you only sleep in your bed, your body will more readily associate sleep with the bed and start getting drowsier. The results may not be immediate, but they will come and make it easier for you to get more sleep.
6. Plan relaxing nighttime activities
Sleep problems or disorders are often associated with stress and anxiety, which is exactly why finding relaxing ways to unwind is so important for your sleep health. Try doing a relaxing sleep routine at least an hour before bed. This can involve brushing your teeth, washing your face, and engaging in relaxing media that will help you fall asleep. Other relaxing activities include reading a slightly boring book, meditating and listening to relaxing music.
7. Get a weighted blanket
Using a weighted blanket has been shown to help some people with mood disorders or chronic sleep problems to relax and finally get the restorative kind of rest they want. Weighted blankets aren’t necessarily as hot as other heavy blankets, which can help you at any time of the year. They’re especially useful in combination with lowering your bedroom temperature. While they may be a little pricier upfront, they are well worth the investment.
8. Keep your bedroom organized
Believe it or not, clutter and disorganization can cause you to experience an increase in stress and anxiety, which, in turn, can lead to frustration and anger. So, do your best to keep your bedroom as clutter- and chaos-free as possible. Not only can a tidy house reduce those feelings of stress and anxiety, but it can help eliminate any “negative energy” all that clutter may have trapped in the process.
A report on sleep from Harvard Medical School says that 50-80 percent of people who have psychiatric conditions also struggle from a chronic sleep disorder. Finding good ways to deal with sleep problems can increase your cognition, help deal with mental health problems, and improve overall well-being. Make it a priority to make sleep come more easily. This will improve your sleep quality, as well as your mental health. Good sleep is just as important as eating healthy and exercise.
How to connect with your spouse using acts of service
Whenever couples come to me for couples counseling in my office in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I often ask them what their love languages are.
Some couples know what love languages are, and others just typically look at me with a blank stare. To give you a quick summary, a love language is the way you like to be loved, and the way that you show love. There are 5 love languages- quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch and words of affirmation.
For most couples, they often try to love their partner in the way that they personally want to be loved- not the way their spouse actually wants to be loved. And here is where a lot of the breakdown in a relationship or marriage begins.
The struggle often happens, because both partners have two completely different love languages- making it very difficult to show love appropriately.
If your partner’s love language is acts of service, it simply means that they like you to do things to serve them, and this helps them feel truly loved. For them, love is a lot more than saying "I love you" or buying them gifts- actually showing it is how you can connect to them.
Before you roll your eyes at me, here are five simple ways that you can connect with your spouse or show your love to your spouse, using acts of service.
Make them breakfast in bed
Nobody ever said love is easy. Love is a sacrifice.
One very simple way to show your spouse some love is to make them breakfast in bed. You do not have to go all out, you do not even have to cook the food yourself- you can even order in.
But surprise your spouse with a simple breakfast in bed. Now if you are a great cook, then here's where you can really show off your skills. Think about simple meals that your partner loves and make it for them.
As a therapist in Temecula, I often encourage couples to infuse some spontaneity and forethought into their marriage. Acts of service are all about forethought.
If you really want to be fancy then you can throw in the garnishes, and even make a multiple course meal. But if that's not your thing just present the meal neatly and that’s it.
Iron their shirt for them (Or do something they hate)
If you have a spouse who wears shirts that get rumpled easily, surprise them and iron a shirt for them, or maybe even get a part of their outfit ready for them. Or you can pick up their dry-cleaning. Yes, I know that he can dress himself up or she can dress herself up, however this is all about going above and beyond so that they know that you love them.
For example if your spouse irons their shirt every morning, and you see that they have laid a shirt out the night before, you can go the extra mile to iron the shirt for them. It’ll surprise them and also communicate that you care. Stepping in the gap is my biggest marriage counseling tip.
Pay close attention and fill a need they have
When you're having a casual conversation with your spouse, and she mentions that she needs to get something from the store, you can actually offer to do it for them. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. Maybe they are out of their favorite crackers.
You can say to them: “Never mind I'll get it for you.” Or on your way back from work that day you can swing over to the store and get it for them. This might take an extra 10 minutes of time or maybe even take you no extra time at all because you plan to be at the store yourself. This will communicate to your spouse that you're listening to them and you care for them.
Fix something around the house or hire someone to fix it for you
If you happen to have some pretty handy skills, and you notice that something in the house is broken, an act of service could be fixing it before your spouse gets to it. Or both of you can fix it together.
This way you're spending quality time and also giving an act of service. If you happen to not be handy at all, and you know that your spouse will probably never get around to fixing it, rather than complaining, why not just hire someone? Boom! Acts of service.
Step in unexpectedly to give them a break
Let's say your spouse often drops the kids off at school on Mondays, but you know that they're having a particularly difficult Monday, and you have some room in your schedule to do it, just let them know that you can do it.
You can say something like “Don't worry. I'll take the kids to school so that you can prep for your meeting.”
Acts of service could be difficult to implement because they involve time and effort, but you don't have to necessarily do huge acts of service every single day. As long as you're paying attention, you can just step in in little areas where they are tired or they are lacking. It is about anticipating your spouse’s needs and communicating with them.
If your marriage has been riding the struggle bus, and you have wondered if Temecula marriage counseling will help you, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. You do not have to wait until your marriage is in complete breakdown to go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you restore the friendship and intimacy in your marriage.
I also provide Christian counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area for couples who want to keep Jesus at the center of their marriage.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Dear Superwoman: Let Your Husband In—He’s Your Partner, Not Your Project
One of my missions as a licensed marriage and family therapists is to help the women I work with, learn how to get rid of superwoman syndrome.
“What’s that?” you ask.
Well, Superwoman syndrome (it’s not an actual diagnosable syndrome BTW) is the idea that you are so capable, responsible and independent that you struggle to ask anyone around you for help. While that might sound like a great thing, it could leave you overburdened, burned out and resentful. The people around you get so used to you taking care of everything by yourself that they stop asking you if you need help.
Because no one checks up on you, you begin to resent the people around you, you feel lonely and things don’t look good. You get it?
Superwoman syndrome can be a big problem in a marriage. Because you find yourself carrying majority of the emotional load, while your spouse appears to live his best life. The trouble is your spouse might not have any idea that you’re actually resentful of him or struggling in any way.
You see, couples often get used to a specific dance. In this case the dance looks like you being super independent and capable, carrying majority of the emotional and/or domestic load, while your spouse gets to luxuriate (also probably not a real word).
How do you fix this persistent problem?
1) Check in with yourself to find out what you need
When you’re so used to playing the superwoman role, you might expect everyone to jump in to help you because it’s ‘Common sense’ or because you are used to jumping in without being told. Well, there’s no such thing as common sense and a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
So ask yourself what areas you’re actually willing to delegate. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself resisting this step. Because you are so used to doing things by yourself, you might not know how to check in with yourself. It’s a practice. Set aside 5 minutes a day to sit in a quite place and ask yourself what you need. Mentally comb through some of the activities of the day and ask yourself what or who could make your life easier. Write it down.
2) Have a sit down talk with your husband
Now that you know what you need, it’s time to let your husband know what you need. And even if you’ve been married for 15 years, he still isn’t a mind reader and he has no clue what your emotional needs are. So, use this simple template:
I need [————-] from you because [————]. Then go into specifics.
It could be something as simple as I need more support from you because I am feeling tired and burned out. Then proceed to further define what support is. What he thinks is supportive isn’t what you might think is supportive.
3) Avoid the blame game
When you have this conversation with your husband, please avoid name calling, finger pointing attacking him or blaming him. This will only lead to an argument which will distract both of you from the initial goal, which was to help both of you feel more connected and to free you from superwoman syndrome.
4) Talk about your feelings
I am a huge fan of feeling words because they help others truly understand what is going on in your internal world. It is the closest thing to real time mind reading. When people who love you truly understand the feelings that are underneath your request, it helps to seal the deal.
Help your husband understand what burn out feels like. Helps him udnersstnd that you feel isolated because you’re spending so much time helping others. Help him understand how sad it is for you to constantly check in on others while everyone assumes you’re doing well. If you’re not sure how you feel, use this feelings wheel to help you pick the appropriate words.
A simple way to communicate your feelings is by using the formula below:
I feel [—-] about [—-] and here is what I need [—-]
For example, “I feel sad about not being checked on. I need you to send me a daily text to see how my work day is going.”
OR
“I feel overwhelmed picking the kids up from school every day. I need you to alternate school pick ups with me so I can get a break.”
Remember that your husband is your ally. He wants to support you, but he can’t do that if he has no clue what type of support you need.
If you are ready to learn how to genuinely communicate your emotional needs with your spouse so that you can stop having the same arguments each month, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me for couples therapy in Houston.
Marriage Counseling Tips: How to communicate almost anything in your marriage
In marriage counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I teach couples how to effectively communicate so that they can avoid fights, reduce misunderstandings and learn how to get on the same page. Click to learn more.
Marriage is such a beautiful thing- two people in love coming together to make a life together. But what happens after a few years when the butterflies fade? Sometimes you look at your spouse and wonder why you can’t just get along. You wonder why you married him, and you suddenly realize that you do not know how to communicate with your spouse.
One of the biggest struggles I see when I work with couples in marriage counseling in Temecula, is that they do not know how to talk to one another in a way that the other person can easily understand and accept.
But never fear, communication in marriage is a skill that anyone can learn.
Here is how to easily communicate almost anything in your marriage.
Prepare for the Conversation
Know what outcome you’re looking for before you communicate.
The outcome of the communication determines what your goal actually say. Is your purpose to clarify something that seems unclear? Is your purpose to apologize for a wrong you’ve done? (Yes, apologies should happen often in marriage). Is your purpose to seek understanding and improve friendship? Or is your purpose to problem solve and brainstorm a situation?
Pick 1 issue at a time. Your marriage can’t take nit picking.
In marriage counseling, typically couples talk about too many issues at once. This often leads to a feeling of overwhelm, anxiety, or just frustration. When you talk about too many issues at once, it is almost impossible to fix them all in one sitting.
To fix this, focus on one issue at the time, and make sure you keep the main thing the main thing. So for example, if the purpose of the conversation is to brainstorm how you're going to spend your summer, focus on summer plans alone.
This is not the time to talk about the kids going back to school, previous marital struggles or your career.
Pick one issue, talk through the issue, and only move on to another issue if both of you have the emotional bandwidth to have another discussion.
Pick an appropriate time or set an appointment
Now I know that the idea of setting an appointment with your spouse in a marriage is not sexy at all. But clear communication is very sex-it helps your spouse have clarity when you are speaking.
If you know that you're ready to discuss something heavy or something important, let your spouse know that you have something important to talk about, and ask them what their schedule looks like over the next week. After you do that, pick an appropriate time that would be free from distractions. There's no bigger frustration than trying to talk to your husband when he is watching a UFC fight. He will have one eye on the fight, and one eye on you, creating a feeling of irritation on your part. So set an appointment.
Time to talk. How to talk and what to say.
Step 1: “I statements” never fail
Another mistake that most couples make when I see them in marriage counseling, is that they keep the conversation focused on their spouse. I hear them say “You never do …”, “You always do…” They keep the conversation focused on “You, you, you.”
When your spouse hears the word ‘you,’ they immediately feel attacked. And when someone feels attacked their fight or flight reaction kicks in. So most people either shut down during the conversation, or will feel the need to defend themselves and start a fight.
But what do you want is for your spouse to be open, put their walls down, open their ears, so that they can truly understand what you are communicating.
To provide such a positive environment it is important to use I statements. So try starting with, I feel like [insert].
Step 2: Have the listener reflect back what the speaker is saying
When your spouse is communicating something important to you, focus on truly understanding what they are saying.
Stay quiet so that you can capture everything that they are saying. Resist the urge to correct them, to argue with them, or to be defensive. After every sentence, or every other sentence, repeat back what you hear them saying to you.
This gives them the chance to also hear what they are saying to you. It is important that you reflect back, so that your spouse can correct you if you have heard their statement incorrectly. Once you reflect their statement, and your partner has agreed that what you have reflected back is indeed accurate, then your spouse continue to talk.
Keep reflecting his statements, until he is done addressing that one issue.
Step 3: Validate your spouse
This is a step that most couples skip. When your husband or wife says something important to you, take time to listen, reflect, then validate their feelings. Validation is something as simple as "I can't understand why you feel that way." Or “I can see why you would be upset.”
Watch your tone here, so that you don't come across as sarcastic or disrespectful. Also watch those facial expressions. Remember the idea here is to come to a place of understanding, NOT fight each other.
Step 4: The listener can now speak
Once the person speaking is done, and the listener has reflected back what he or she has heard, it is now time for the listener to have their turn speaking.
And the same rules apply.
When the listener becomes the speaker, the other spouse must stay quiet, and then reflect back what they think they are hearing. If the person speaking has a correction to make, then he or she can then correct the person that was speaking.
It is important that we slow down our communication, to prevent anything we say from being misconstrued, when your partner does misconstrue your statements, it is OK to have them pause so that you can correct them.
Step 5: Seal it with a kiss (Or a hug or a hand hold or whatever form of affection you like)
And to seal everything off when you're done addressing that one issue, feel free to hold your partner’s hand, give them a kiss, a hug and apologize or just repair what was broken a few minutes ago.
Remember that good communication in marriage is possible for everyone, however it does take a whole lot of practice. But the more you practice, the better you get at these communication skills.
If you feel like you and your spouse are having a difficult time in your marriage, you don't see eye to eye, and you feel like your friendship is dwindling, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, to see if marriage counseling in Temecula is right for you.
I also provide Christian marriage counseling in the Murrieta, Temecula area.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?