Brainspotting for boundary setting:How therapy can help you find your inner ‘No.’

1. The Power of Saying No: How Brainspotting Therapy Helps You Set Healthy Boundaries

When you experience trauma, it could feel like your power and control have been taken away from you. Your voice feels silenced, your body feels weaker, your mind feels unstable. You walk around experiencing fear, you no longer want to engage with the people or places that used to bring you joy. You might end up feeling like a shadow of your former self- or having no knowledge of who you used to be.

This is where a great trauma therapist in Houston can help you. As we work together, you can relearn how to feel safe again, how to get rid of those thoughts that tell you that something bad is going to happen to you again. You can learn how to feel safe in your body again, and most importantly, how to find your voice.

When I use brainspotting to help you get rid of trauma that has been sitting in your body and in your brain, a big part of our work will be learning how to set clear, healthy boundaries that not only keep you safe, but help you connect to safe people around you. You can live life on your terms, stay safe and finally thrive again. A skilled trauma therapist in Houston can help you confidently establish personal boundaries.

2. Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Using Brainspotting to Reclaim Your Voice

Many of my clients are really nice women. I also consider myself to be a compassionate Black therapist in Houston. Now the great thing is that being nice and setting boundaries can coexist quite nicely (pun intended). Many of my clients feel so horrible when they have to say “No” to others. They would much rather sacrifice themselves and be uncomfortable, instead of simply saying “No” and moving on with their day.

I get it.

Because you don’t want anyone to think you are mean or that you don’t care about them. You don’t want to be disliked, challenged or even for someone to be mean to you in retaliation.

The great thing about brainspotting is we can go deeper than traditional talk therapy. So we essentially go into deeper parts of your brain, where the stuck-ness is held and it can help rewire that stuff.

You’ll learn what boundaries you need and how you can establish them regardless of what people think. And yes, you get to keep your kindness. Because boundaries, in my opinion, should be clear AND kind. A compassionate Black therapist in Houston (that’s me!) can guide you to say “No’ without too much guilt.

3. Finding Freedom in Boundaries: How Brainspotting Supports Highly Sensitive People

When you are a high performing, highly sensitive woman, you want to move at a fast pace, so that you can accomplish everything you have going on, but sometimes you might not have the bandwidth to do it all- because your brain spends so much energy deeply processing the world within and around you.

This means that the only choice you have is to learn how to set appropriate boundaries with your time, with your friends, with your coworkers and with yourself. Because if you say “Yes” to all the people about all the things, you will eventually reach a horrible stage of burnout that feels like your shouders being crushed.

So think about boundary setting as a great way to practice kindness to yourself- allowing you the bandwidth to accomplish the things that are actually essential in your life- rather than wasting time of activities that bring you no joy and add nothing to your long term goals.

Brainspotting will help you connect to deeper parts of your brain so that you can remove the blocks that keep you from saying “No.” It could help you learn how to break free from trauma and anxiety that keep you stuck and silenced. The outcome? Boundary setting becomes so much easier for high performing, highly sensitive women like you.

4. Creating Space for Yourself: Brainspotting as a Tool for Healthy Relationship Boundaries

When trauma has been blocking your brain, it feels like you are paralyzed. But once that trauma has been cleared up, you are now ready to begin to redefine the boundaries in your life. If you feel like you are stuck when boundary setting, you could also use brainspotting to help you find your stuck points, so that you can begin to communicate with more clarity.

If you struggle in saying '‘No,” brainspotting can help with that. If you struggle to say what you actually mean, it could help as well. Because without clear, gentle boundaries you’ll continue to feel frustrated.

5. Discover Your Inner “No”: Empowering Boundary Setting with a Trauma Therapist in Houston

A big part of my work of trauma therapy in Houston is teaching you how to empower yourself to set firm boundaries. A firm boundary is one that sticks to the rules. Too tired? Don’t do it. Doesn’t feel nice? Tell them.

A life of freedom isn’t so concerned about what others think. Rather you are concerned about creating health, space and joy in your life. Effective boundary setting respects both you and the people around you. And once you have been able to identify who the safe people in your life are, thing just become easier for you.

With brainspotting, you connect better to your own feelings, without worrying too much about what social norms say you should do. You can still maintain being a respectful and kind person, while honoring your needs. A win win!

Ready to Embrace Your Boundaries? Connect with a Black Therapist in Houston Today

Take the first step toward finding your “No” and nurturing healthier relationships. Start your journey with Brainspotting therapy, designed to help you set empowering boundaries with ease. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for brainspotting therapy in Houston. I also see clients throughout California.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

A simple 4-step soothing nighttime routine for highly sensitive people

Highly sensitive people are especially prone to feeling stressed out, cranky or overwhelmed when they do not get enough sleep (I know this all too well). It might take you longer to settle in at night, and you might notice that you need more sleep that your adult counterparts.

So if you notice that you need more than 8 hours of sleep- know that it’s totally normal. Here are some things you can do to set you up for a great night of uninterrupted sleep.

1) Take some time to unwind after your work day

One of the struggles that highly sensitive people often face is that there is difficulty transitioning from one activity to the other. For example, it might be hard for you to settle down when you come home from work. I don’t suggest you just plop into your bed and expect your body to shut down.

Rather, carve out 10 to 30 minutes engaging in an activity that can take your mind off all the stressful activities of the day. This can look like eating a yummy meal, engaging on the phone with a funny friend, listening to some music and dancing as you go along, a podcast, prayer, changing out of your clothes, etc. You might have to try a few activities to figure out what will work for you. And if you don’t like baths (‘cos the internet seems to love bubble baths), you don’t ever have to take one.

P.S: If you are a parent to a little one, you might not have the luxury of carving out 30 minutes. Just do what you can. It gets easier. I promise!

2) Reflect on your day

Had a bad day? Well don’t just pull the covers over your head and expect your brain to forget. Many people spend about an hour tossing and turning in bed because they have not adequately processed the emotions that came up during the day.

It sometimes feels like your heart is pounding out of your chest as you think over the stressors of your day. Sit in a quiet place and allow yourself to do what feels natural- talk it through with someone if that helps. Some people like to pray about it. Others journal, still others talk to themselves about it.

Don’t sleep on talking to yourself. It sounds funny, but feels good.

3) Spend 5 minutes tidying up your bedroom

I often say that your bedroom is your sanctuary. It’s the place your tired mind and body get to spend a huge amount of time. It’s the place where cellular turnover happens. It should be a place of peace, calm and joy.

Highly sensitive people can easily get overstimulated with clutter. But the irony is that we can quickly create clutter when we are in a busy season or going through a lot.

But if you spend 5 minutes at the end of each day tidying up, you’ll save yourself some headache. Try this practice and watch your life change

P.S: I’m also an insomnia expert, so here’s a link to my previous blog posts on everything sleep.

4) Get rid of distractions

Before going into the bed, think of anything that could possibly wake you up from sleep (aside from little ones) and figure out how to silence those things for the next 8-10 hours.

This can include social media notifications, text notifications, television, your laptop, annoyingly bright lights, itchy sheets, labels in your pajamas, uncomfortable room temperature, etc.

The next time you lay in bed, think of things that have bothered you- then get rid of them. For example, if you notice that the sun hits you in the face every morning, consider closing the blinds before going to bed.

A soothing nighttime routine doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. It’s just something you have to be consistent with.

What is 1 thing you have to do before going to bed? I’d love to find out.

If you’re a highly sensitive woman who is looking to finally understand sensitivity, learn how to manage overwhelm and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call with me. I’d love to connect with you.

My framework for helping highly sensitive women understand sensitivity, stand up for themselves and get rid of overwhelm.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston

Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.

In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.

The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?

You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.

Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.

1) Acts of Service

These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.

During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.

If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.

2) Physical touch

These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.

If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.

3) Gifts

These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.

If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.

4) Words of Affirmation

These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.

5) Quality Time

As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.

If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.

If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.

If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Can marriage counseling in Houston make your marriage worse?

Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling in Houston is the thing to do.

You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”

You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.

Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.

First, it’s important to get clear on why you want to attend marriage counseling in houston

Do you want to go to couples counseling in Houston because you want clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce? Are you hoping that marriage counseling in Houston will save your ailing marriage? Or are you hoping that marriage counseling will finally fix your stubborn husband?

Marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston can definitely give you clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce. Now, your marriage counselor probably won’t tell you what to do, but through the process of counseling, you might get deeper clarity into what you want about the future of your marriage.

Will couples therapy fix your stubborn husband? Don’t count on it. Well, unless your stubborn husband is ready to roll his sleeves and learn new ways of communicating, resolving conflict and engaging in your relationship.

The focus of marriage counseling should really be about teaching you new skills- NOT fixing the other person (Sorry!)

What if marriage counseling in houston makes things worse?

Okay let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes things get worse before they get better.

But wait, don’t close your screen.

Think about it this way. Most people wait at least 6 years after the beginning of their marriage troubles before even seeking marriage counseling. So by the time they get into the marriage counselor’s office, there are A LOT of bitter feelings, there’s very low marital satisfaction, everyone is at their wit’s end and the foundation of the marriage is pretty shaky.

It’s not that the marriage is getting worse after marriage counseling, it’s that all the unspoken stuff is finally being aired out. Wouldn’t you rather address all that stuff and finally come to a resolution?

My job as a marriage counselor is to help you begin to unpack all the stuff you’ve been holding in for 6 years. I’ll help you unlearn how to speak to each other, we’ll unearth the resentment that one or both of you might be feeling at this time, we’ll work on forgiveness (if that’s what you need), and you’ll learn how to manage conflict too.

We are basically rebuilding your marriage from the ground up. So your marriage will feel uneasy- like a construction zone for a while. But once the pieces are in place, things will feel smooth again.

What if your marriage ends in divorce even after couples counseling in houston?

Let me be clear about something. My job as a marriage counselor is NOT necessarily to fix your marriage. My job is to give you and your spouse clarity regarding the future of your marriage.

Sometimes the future of your marriage looks like a blissful marriage. Sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you want to take a break. And sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you do not want to continue with the marriage at all.

My job is to support you in whatever decision you make.

I hope this helps.

If you have been struggling with communicating with your partner and you’re not sure how to navigate it, click here for your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Houston, TX or in the Murrieta/ Temecula area is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 truths about marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston

5 truths About Marriage Counseling in Houston

If you’ve thought about going to marriage counseling in Houston you, might find yourself feeling scared. That’s totally normal. After all, the challenge is for you to open up to a complete stranger about the inner workings of your marriage. 

Gulp!

This can feel deeply personal. The truth is that marriage counseling does involve a certain level of honesty and vulnerability from you. However, here are a few things to know about couples therapy in Houston before you dive in.

Your marriage might get worse before it gets better

The process of marriage counseling in Houston involves peeling back the layers of your marriage. Most people come in sugar coating what’s really going on, but the best marriage therapists in Houston are able to gently help you reveal the not so pretty parts of your marriage- so that we can fix them for good. 

This process can feel like things are getting worse. You’ll eventually be able to openly address issues that have long been swept under the rug, so you can hopefully fix them for good.

Marriage counseling in Houston is a lot of work

The truth is that no one can sustain a happy and healthy marriage without putting in some work. Marriage counseling isn’t about listening to your therapist speak to you for 45-50 minutes per week. It actually involves you voicing your real opinions, taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship and taking intentional steps to do things differently. It will feel like you’re a newlywed who’s just learning the ropes. As long as you come in with a hopeful attitude, you’ll see real positive change.

You have to be ready to hear the bitter truth from your marriage counselor

The goal of marriage counseling is to help you learn how to manage persistent problems in your marriage, so they don’t keep popping up repeatedly. Most couples have the same set of problems that they deal with over and over again. It feels infuriating. To finally break this annoying cycle, what I do as a marriage therapist is that I actually show you where the cracks are in your marriage. I then give you a choice on which cracks you’d like to finally patch, then we dive in and work through it.

Your marriage won’t change if you’re not willing to do the work during couples counseling

Many people want their marriage to be peaceful and they want to be the best of friends with their spouses, but they aren’t willing to do the hard work of actually changing their behavior. Well, marriage counseling is most certainly not magic. If you do not change the way you speak to your spouse and interact with her, your marriage will remain the same. You might as well just save your money.

But if you are willing to actually follow my guidance, learn new skills, build trust and do things differently, it’ll be much better than when you first began.

Your Houston couples therapist isn’t your friend

I try to be a friendly and approachable marriage therapist in Houston because I understand that when you come to me, it is so difficult to open up about your pain and struggles. However, that being said, I am not your friend. A friend will listen to you, give you a hug and send you on your merry way. A friend will tell you that you’re always right.

My job is to get to know you and your spouse as much as possible, learn why your marriage has become this way, and then give you very practical tools to actually change what is broken. 

I work intensely with my couples, which means they see me for 50 minutes each week until their problem has been resolved. Every couple who works with me and actually does the work will see an improvement in their marriage relationship.

So, are you ready to see an improvement in your marriage? Are you sick and tired of arguments, misunderstandings and giving your spouse the cold shoulder? Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation to see if marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to boredom-proof your marriage

Marriage is a beautiful thing. You meet this amazing, beautiful person who makes your heart flutter every time you speak to them. So you decide to take the plunge and marry them. After all, you only have eyes  for them. Then years pass by and you realize your life feels like deja vu. You wake up, take the kids to school, head to work, send each other a text (or not), come home, eat dinner, clean up, sleep, rinse and repeat.

It’s the same old schedule day in and day out. Although your life feels good, you want more. So. Much. More.

You are sick and tired of the monotony in your marriage. Don’t worry. I see this all the time during couples counseling in Houston.

Here are some simple ways to boredom-proof your marriage.

Have a marriage check in every month

I know this doesn't sound sexy at all, but it’s important to check in with your spouse regularly to actually ask them what they want and need. You see, as adults, we grow and change all the time. Sometimes you might think you’re fulfilling all your duties as a spouse, but your spouse is secretly pining for something else. When you do this check in, ask your spouse three questions:

• What has been going well in our marriage this month?

• What has not been going well in our marriage this month?

• What is 1 thing I can do this month to make your heart happy?

You might get in your feelings about this. This isn’t the time to be defensive. Listen with an open heart so your marriage can improve.

Come up with a marriage bucket list

Your marriage feels stale because you are doing the same activities over and over again. Although stability is great in a marriage, novelty adds zest. Come up with a list of activities you want to try with one another. Don’t edit yourself. You can add travel, playing board games, visiting new restaurants, learning a new skill, etc. And don’t forget sex too! The list is endless.

Do the activities on the marriage bucket list

It seems like a great idea to come up with a marriage bucket list, but you actually have to do the activities on the marriage bucket list for it to actually work. To make sure it happens, pick 1 activity per month and plug it into your schedules. Make an actual plan. Too many couples make plans without actually implementing them. That’s where the fun stuff happens. When you make plans without implementing them, resentment can build up. And we don’t want that.

Get playful in your marriage

Marriage does not have to be that serious all the time. Yes, I know that you have so many responsibilities, but there has to be room for play and excitement. One of my favorite forms of play for couples is to utilize an app specifically for couples. Two of my favorite marriage/relationship apps are the Gottman Card Decks app and the Ultimate Intimacy app. They have conversation starters and all sorts of fun activities for couples. Why reinvent the wheel when it’s been done for you?

Meet up with other couples

Sometimes you get tired of staring at your husband’s face every night and you just want to meet new people. Plan a couples night where you can eat some good food, get to know some other couples, laugh and just break away from the monotony. You might learn some new things from other couples too.

Laugh together often

Life as an adult can be hard. We get so used to chasing money and career, raising kids and being responsible, that we rarely leave room for fun. Do things that make you both happy- dance, sing, watch a funny movie, be silly with each other, reminisce about old times. Remember why you both decide to be together.

If you are ready to finally get rid of the boredom in your marriage and bring back the spice you once had, click here to schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call. It’s time to take back your marriage.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Houston, Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also provide marriage counseling in Houston to help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to finally boredom proof your marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation for marriage counseling in Houston.