A simple 4-step soothing nighttime routine for highly sensitive people

Highly sensitive people are especially prone to feeling stressed out, cranky or overwhelmed when they do not get enough sleep (I know this all too well). It might take you longer to settle in at night, and you might notice that you need more sleep that your adult counterparts.

So if you notice that you need more than 8 hours of sleep- know that it’s totally normal. Here are some things you can do to set you up for a great night of uninterrupted sleep.

1) Take some time to unwind after your work day

One of the struggles that highly sensitive people often face is that there is difficulty transitioning from one activity to the other. For example, it might be hard for you to settle down when you come home from work. I don’t suggest you just plop into your bed and expect your body to shut down.

Rather, carve out 10 to 30 minutes engaging in an activity that can take your mind off all the stressful activities of the day. This can look like eating a yummy meal, engaging on the phone with a funny friend, listening to some music and dancing as you go along, a podcast, prayer, changing out of your clothes, etc. You might have to try a few activities to figure out what will work for you. And if you don’t like baths (‘cos the internet seems to love bubble baths), you don’t ever have to take one.

P.S: If you are a parent to a little one, you might not have the luxury of carving out 30 minutes. Just do what you can. It gets easier. I promise!

2) Reflect on your day

Had a bad day? Well don’t just pull the covers over your head and expect your brain to forget. Many people spend about an hour tossing and turning in bed because they have not adequately processed the emotions that came up during the day.

It sometimes feels like your heart is pounding out of your chest as you think over the stressors of your day. Sit in a quiet place and allow yourself to do what feels natural- talk it through with someone if that helps. Some people like to pray about it. Others journal, still others talk to themselves about it.

Don’t sleep on talking to yourself. It sounds funny, but feels good.

3) Spend 5 minutes tidying up your bedroom

I often say that your bedroom is your sanctuary. It’s the place your tired mind and body get to spend a huge amount of time. It’s the place where cellular turnover happens. It should be a place of peace, calm and joy.

Highly sensitive people can easily get overstimulated with clutter. But the irony is that we can quickly create clutter when we are in a busy season or going through a lot.

But if you spend 5 minutes at the end of each day tidying up, you’ll save yourself some headache. Try this practice and watch your life change

P.S: I’m also an insomnia expert, so here’s a link to my previous blog posts on everything sleep.

4) Get rid of distractions

Before going into the bed, think of anything that could possibly wake you up from sleep (aside from little ones) and figure out how to silence those things for the next 8-10 hours.

This can include social media notifications, text notifications, television, your laptop, annoyingly bright lights, itchy sheets, labels in your pajamas, uncomfortable room temperature, etc.

The next time you lay in bed, think of things that have bothered you- then get rid of them. For example, if you notice that the sun hits you in the face every morning, consider closing the blinds before going to bed.

A soothing nighttime routine doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. It’s just something you have to be consistent with.

What is 1 thing you have to do before going to bed? I’d love to find out.

If you’re a highly sensitive woman who is looking to finally understand sensitivity, learn how to manage overwhelm and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call with me. I’d love to connect with you.

My framework for helping highly sensitive women understand sensitivity, stand up for themselves and get rid of overwhelm.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston

How the five love languages can improve your marriage drastically

Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.

In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.

The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?

You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.

Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.

1) Acts of Service

These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.

During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.

If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.

2) Physical touch

These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.

If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.

3) Gifts

These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.

If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.

4) Words of Affirmation

These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.

5) Quality Time

As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.

If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.

If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.

If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Can marriage counseling in Houston make your marriage worse?

Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling in Houston is the thing to do.

You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”

You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.

Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.

First, it’s important to get clear on why you want to attend marriage counseling in houston

Do you want to go to couples counseling in Houston because you want clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce? Are you hoping that marriage counseling in Houston will save your ailing marriage? Or are you hoping that marriage counseling will finally fix your stubborn husband?

Marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston can definitely give you clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce. Now, your marriage counselor probably won’t tell you what to do, but through the process of counseling, you might get deeper clarity into what you want about the future of your marriage.

Will couples therapy fix your stubborn husband? Don’t count on it. Well, unless your stubborn husband is ready to roll his sleeves and learn new ways of communicating, resolving conflict and engaging in your relationship.

The focus of marriage counseling should really be about teaching you new skills- NOT fixing the other person (Sorry!)

What if marriage counseling in houston makes things worse?

Okay let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes things get worse before they get better.

But wait, don’t close your screen.

Think about it this way. Most people wait at least 6 years after the beginning of their marriage troubles before even seeking marriage counseling. So by the time they get into the marriage counselor’s office, there are A LOT of bitter feelings, there’s very low marital satisfaction, everyone is at their wit’s end and the foundation of the marriage is pretty shaky.

It’s not that the marriage is getting worse after marriage counseling, it’s that all the unspoken stuff is finally being aired out. Wouldn’t you rather address all that stuff and finally come to a resolution?

My job as a marriage counselor is to help you begin to unpack all the stuff you’ve been holding in for 6 years. I’ll help you unlearn how to speak to each other, we’ll unearth the resentment that one or both of you might be feeling at this time, we’ll work on forgiveness (if that’s what you need), and you’ll learn how to manage conflict too.

We are basically rebuilding your marriage from the ground up. So your marriage will feel uneasy- like a construction zone for a while. But once the pieces are in place, things will feel smooth again.

What if your marriage ends in divorce even after couples counseling in houston?

Let me be clear about something. My job as a marriage counselor is NOT necessarily to fix your marriage. My job is to give you and your spouse clarity regarding the future of your marriage.

Sometimes the future of your marriage looks like a blissful marriage. Sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you want to take a break. And sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you do not want to continue with the marriage at all.

My job is to support you in whatever decision you make.

I hope this helps.

If you have been struggling with communicating with your partner and you’re not sure how to navigate it, click here for your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Houston, TX or in the Murrieta/ Temecula area is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 truths about marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston

5 truths About Marriage Counseling in Houston

If you’ve thought about going to marriage counseling in Houston you, might find yourself feeling scared. That’s totally normal. After all, the challenge is for you to open up to a complete stranger about the inner workings of your marriage. 

Gulp!

This can feel deeply personal. The truth is that marriage counseling does involve a certain level of honesty and vulnerability from you. However, here are a few things to know about couples therapy in Houston before you dive in.

Your marriage might get worse before it gets better

The process of marriage counseling in Houston involves peeling back the layers of your marriage. Most people come in sugar coating what’s really going on, but the best marriage therapists in Houston are able to gently help you reveal the not so pretty parts of your marriage- so that we can fix them for good. 

This process can feel like things are getting worse. You’ll eventually be able to openly address issues that have long been swept under the rug, so you can hopefully fix them for good.

Marriage counseling in Houston is a lot of work

The truth is that no one can sustain a happy and healthy marriage without putting in some work. Marriage counseling isn’t about listening to your therapist speak to you for 45-50 minutes per week. It actually involves you voicing your real opinions, taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship and taking intentional steps to do things differently. It will feel like you’re a newlywed who’s just learning the ropes. As long as you come in with a hopeful attitude, you’ll see real positive change.

You have to be ready to hear the bitter truth from your marriage counselor

The goal of marriage counseling is to help you learn how to manage persistent problems in your marriage, so they don’t keep popping up repeatedly. Most couples have the same set of problems that they deal with over and over again. It feels infuriating. To finally break this annoying cycle, what I do as a marriage therapist is that I actually show you where the cracks are in your marriage. I then give you a choice on which cracks you’d like to finally patch, then we dive in and work through it.

Your marriage won’t change if you’re not willing to do the work during couples counseling

Many people want their marriage to be peaceful and they want to be the best of friends with their spouses, but they aren’t willing to do the hard work of actually changing their behavior. Well, marriage counseling is most certainly not magic. If you do not change the way you speak to your spouse and interact with her, your marriage will remain the same. You might as well just save your money.

But if you are willing to actually follow my guidance, learn new skills, build trust and do things differently, it’ll be much better than when you first began.

Your Houston couples therapist isn’t your friend

I try to be a friendly and approachable marriage therapist in Houston because I understand that when you come to me, it is so difficult to open up about your pain and struggles. However, that being said, I am not your friend. A friend will listen to you, give you a hug and send you on your merry way. A friend will tell you that you’re always right.

My job is to get to know you and your spouse as much as possible, learn why your marriage has become this way, and then give you very practical tools to actually change what is broken. 

I work intensely with my couples, which means they see me for 50 minutes each week until their problem has been resolved. Every couple who works with me and actually does the work will see an improvement in their marriage relationship.

So, are you ready to see an improvement in your marriage? Are you sick and tired of arguments, misunderstandings and giving your spouse the cold shoulder? Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation to see if marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to boredom-proof your marriage

Marriage is a beautiful thing. You meet this amazing, beautiful person who makes your heart flutter every time you speak to them. So you decide to take the plunge and marry them. After all, you only have eyes  for them. Then years pass by and you realize your life feels like deja vu. You wake up, take the kids to school, head to work, send each other a text (or not), come home, eat dinner, clean up, sleep, rinse and repeat.

It’s the same old schedule day in and day out. Although your life feels good, you want more. So. Much. More.

You are sick and tired of the monotony in your marriage. Don’t worry. I see this all the time during couples counseling in Houston.

Here are some simple ways to boredom-proof your marriage.

Have a marriage check in every month

I know this doesn't sound sexy at all, but it’s important to check in with your spouse regularly to actually ask them what they want and need. You see, as adults, we grow and change all the time. Sometimes you might think you’re fulfilling all your duties as a spouse, but your spouse is secretly pining for something else. When you do this check in, ask your spouse three questions:

• What has been going well in our marriage this month?

• What has not been going well in our marriage this month?

• What is 1 thing I can do this month to make your heart happy?

You might get in your feelings about this. This isn’t the time to be defensive. Listen with an open heart so your marriage can improve.

Come up with a marriage bucket list

Your marriage feels stale because you are doing the same activities over and over again. Although stability is great in a marriage, novelty adds zest. Come up with a list of activities you want to try with one another. Don’t edit yourself. You can add travel, playing board games, visiting new restaurants, learning a new skill, etc. And don’t forget sex too! The list is endless.

Do the activities on the marriage bucket list

It seems like a great idea to come up with a marriage bucket list, but you actually have to do the activities on the marriage bucket list for it to actually work. To make sure it happens, pick 1 activity per month and plug it into your schedules. Make an actual plan. Too many couples make plans without actually implementing them. That’s where the fun stuff happens. When you make plans without implementing them, resentment can build up. And we don’t want that.

Get playful in your marriage

Marriage does not have to be that serious all the time. Yes, I know that you have so many responsibilities, but there has to be room for play and excitement. One of my favorite forms of play for couples is to utilize an app specifically for couples. Two of my favorite marriage/relationship apps are the Gottman Card Decks app and the Ultimate Intimacy app. They have conversation starters and all sorts of fun activities for couples. Why reinvent the wheel when it’s been done for you?

Meet up with other couples

Sometimes you get tired of staring at your husband’s face every night and you just want to meet new people. Plan a couples night where you can eat some good food, get to know some other couples, laugh and just break away from the monotony. You might learn some new things from other couples too.

Laugh together often

Life as an adult can be hard. We get so used to chasing money and career, raising kids and being responsible, that we rarely leave room for fun. Do things that make you both happy- dance, sing, watch a funny movie, be silly with each other, reminisce about old times. Remember why you both decide to be together.

If you are ready to finally get rid of the boredom in your marriage and bring back the spice you once had, click here to schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call. It’s time to take back your marriage.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Houston, Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also provide marriage counseling in Houston to help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to finally boredom proof your marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation for marriage counseling in Houston.

Houston Marriage Counseling Tips: 5 Sure signs you need to fire your marriage counselor ASAP

As a trained Christian marriage counselor in Houston or couples therapist in Houston, I understand that couples therapy is a skill that not every therapist possesses. And this is no shade whatsoever. After all, I consider my skills in child and adolescent therapy to be quite average, which is why I don’t work with kids.

In fact, many marriage and family therapists, as well as counselors do not see couples- because they know it’s another kettle of fish altogether. By the way, this is a great thing. I believe it’s more important to specialize in a skill set that you’re great at, rather than providing a multitude of subpar services.

What you might not know is that many licensed marriage and family therapists do not have adequate training to skillfully practice couples therapy (don’t let our title fool you). So before you embark on your couples therapy journey in Houston, it is important to first ask your therapist if they do indeed have the necessary training to accomplish such an important task.

That being said, here are some signs that you need to fire your Houston marriage counselor or couples therapist ASAP.

1) They don’t do a thorough assessment when they start couples therapy with you

When you go into couples therapy in Houston, it’s important that you’re not just jumping from one argument to the other. The therapist should take a step back and get to know you and your partner well. This is because a lot of useful information can be unearthed by doing a thorough assessment.

You’ll learn how your upbringing affects the way you are as a wife, how past traumas play a role in your relationship, how different unspoken rules are plaguing your relationship, amongst other dynamics. Most importantly, you’ll learn how underlying patterns are working to either build your marriage up or tear it down.

2) They spend a whole bunch of your marriage counseling time listening to you and your spouse arguing

Marriage counseling in Houston should certainly not feel like a war every single session. Yes, sometimes sessions can leave you feeling drained, but it shouldn’t be a he-said, she-said event every single week. The goal of couples therapy is to help you gain tools that will help you improve your relationship- not to give you the necessary ammunition to destroy your marriage.

So if every couples counseling session is feeling like a never ending argument, that’s a red flag. It is a sign that your marriage counselor isn’t adequately skilled in couples therapy. Trust me, working with couples is very different than working in individual therapy.

3) Your marriage counselor doesn't have any training in couples therapy

Well this should have been number 1 on my list. And how do you know if your couples therapist has training in couples therapy? All you have to do is ask them. When you sign up for a consultation with your couples therapist, or during the first session, just ask “What type of couples therapy training do you have?” Easy peasy. I personally prefer the Gottman Method, and I’m trained in level 1 and level 2, but honestly, it doesn't matter what method they use- as long as they have some sort of training in marriage counseling.

4) Your marriage counselor appears to be taking sides

This is a big one. Each partner in couples therapy should feel seen, heard and respected. But I’ve heard tales of couples therapists who clearly side with one partner- leaving the other feeling alienated.

As a Houston couples therapist, it is not beyond me to call you out from time to time. If you for example are blatantly rude to your spouse in my presence, I’ll call you out. If you show up every week without doing the marriage counseling homework, I will call you out, and if you have a clear pattern of behavior that isn’t helping your marriage, I will call you out. But my goal is for both of you to win. And I don’t play couples therapy favorites.

If you feel disrespected by your couples therapist, feel free to let them know. If they do not validate your feelings or their behavior persists, it might be time to terminate couples therapy or marriage counseling. Your emotional safety is a priority.

5) You consistently feel uncomfortable in couples therapy

And this goes for every type of therapy interaction you have. There has to be a good fit between you and your couples therapist. If something about them makes your skin crawl, if you find it challenging to open up to them after multiple session, if you just don’t like their vibe, or if something feels consistently off, then it’s time to let them go.

Sometimes it might mean you’re not ready for couples therapy. So take a moment to take stock of what’s going on internally. Other times, it means the couples therapist isn’t the right marriage counselor for you. That’s okay. There are probably hundreds of marriage counselors in Houston for you to pick from. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right marriage counselor for you.

If you are in the market for a couples therapist in Houston who will give you the necessary tools you need to help your marriage succeed, and who isn’t afraid to call you out when you’re making a mess, then I might be the couples therapist in Houston or you.

I’m a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston who believes that therapy should work. If you want to find out if we’re a great fit in therapy click here to schedule a free consultation call. You deserve a marriage that’s fun, light and safe.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.