How to connect with your spouse using acts of service

Whenever couples come to me for couples counseling in my office in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I often ask them what their love languages are.

Some couples know what love languages are, and others just typically look at me with a blank stare. To give you a quick summary, a love language is the way you like to be loved, and the way that you show love. There are 5 love languages- quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch and words of affirmation.

For most couples, they often try to love their partner in the way that they personally want to be loved- not the way their spouse actually wants to be loved. And here is where a lot of the breakdown in a relationship or marriage begins.

The struggle often happens, because both partners have two completely different love languages- making it very difficult to show love appropriately.

If your partner’s love language is acts of service, it simply means that they like you to do things to serve them, and this helps them feel truly loved. For them, love is a lot more than saying "I love you" or buying them gifts- actually showing it is how you can connect to them.

Before you roll your eyes at me, here are five simple ways that you can connect with your spouse or show your love to your spouse, using acts of service.

Make them breakfast in bed

Nobody ever said love is easy. Love is a sacrifice.

One very simple way to show your spouse some love is to make them breakfast in bed. You do not have to go all out, you do not even have to cook the food yourself- you can even order in.

But surprise your spouse with a simple breakfast in bed. Now if you are a great cook, then here's where you can really show off your skills. Think about simple meals that your partner loves and make it for them.

As a therapist in Temecula, I often encourage couples to infuse some spontaneity and forethought into their marriage. Acts of service are all about forethought.

If you really want to be fancy then you can throw in the garnishes, and even make a multiple course meal. But if that's not your thing just present the meal neatly and that’s it.

Iron their shirt for them (Or do something they hate)

If you have a spouse who wears shirts that get rumpled easily, surprise them and iron a shirt for them, or maybe even get a part of their outfit ready for them. Or you can pick up their dry-cleaning. Yes, I know that he can dress himself up or she can dress herself up, however this is all about going above and beyond so that they know that you love them.

For example if your spouse irons their shirt every morning, and you see that they have laid a shirt out the night before, you can go the extra mile to iron the shirt for them. It’ll surprise them and also communicate that you care. Stepping in the gap is my biggest marriage counseling tip.

Pay close attention and fill a need they have

When you're having a casual conversation with your spouse, and she mentions that she needs to get something from the store, you can actually offer to do it for them. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. Maybe they are out of their favorite crackers.

You can say to them: “Never mind I'll get it for you.” Or on your way back from work that day you can swing over to the store and get it for them. This might take an extra 10 minutes of time or maybe even take you no extra time at all because you plan to be at the store yourself. This will communicate to your spouse that you're listening to them and you care for them.

Fix something around the house or hire someone to fix it for you

If you happen to have some pretty handy skills, and you notice that something in the house is broken, an act of service could be fixing it before your spouse gets to it. Or both of you can fix it together.

This way you're spending quality time and also giving an act of service. If you happen to not be handy at all, and you know that your spouse will probably never get around to fixing it, rather than complaining, why not just hire someone? Boom! Acts of service.

Step in unexpectedly to give them a break

Let's say your spouse often drops the kids off at school on Mondays, but you know that they're having a particularly difficult Monday, and you have some room in your schedule to do it, just let them know that you can do it.

You can say something like “Don't worry. I'll take the kids to school so that you can prep for your meeting.”

Acts of service could be difficult to implement because they involve time and effort, but you don't have to necessarily do huge acts of service every single day. As long as you're paying attention, you can just step in in little areas where they are tired or they are lacking. It is about anticipating your spouse’s needs and communicating with them.

If your marriage has been riding the struggle bus, and you have wondered if Temecula marriage counseling will help you, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. You do not have to wait until your marriage is in complete breakdown to go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you restore the friendship and intimacy in your marriage.

I also provide Christian counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area for couples who want to keep Jesus at the center of their marriage.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Dear Superwoman: Let Your Husband In—He’s Your Partner, Not Your Project

One of my missions as a licensed marriage and family therapists is to help the women I work with, learn how to get rid of superwoman syndrome.

“What’s that?” you ask.

Well, Superwoman syndrome (it’s not an actual diagnosable syndrome BTW) is the idea that you are so capable, responsible and independent that you struggle to ask anyone around you for help. While that might sound like a great thing, it could leave you overburdened, burned out and resentful. The people around you get so used to you taking care of everything by yourself that they stop asking you if you need help.

Because no one checks up on you, you begin to resent the people around you, you feel lonely and things don’t look good. You get it?

Superwoman syndrome can be a big problem in a marriage. Because you find yourself carrying majority of the emotional load, while your spouse appears to live his best life. The trouble is your spouse might not have any idea that you’re actually resentful of him or struggling in any way.

You see, couples often get used to a specific dance. In this case the dance looks like you being super independent and capable, carrying majority of the emotional and/or domestic load, while your spouse gets to luxuriate (also probably not a real word).

How do you fix this persistent problem?

1) Check in with yourself to find out what you need

When you’re so used to playing the superwoman role, you might expect everyone to jump in to help you because it’s ‘Common sense’ or because you are used to jumping in without being told. Well, there’s no such thing as common sense and a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.

So ask yourself what areas you’re actually willing to delegate. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself resisting this step. Because you are so used to doing things by yourself, you might not know how to check in with yourself. It’s a practice. Set aside 5 minutes a day to sit in a quite place and ask yourself what you need. Mentally comb through some of the activities of the day and ask yourself what or who could make your life easier. Write it down.

2) Have a sit down talk with your husband

Now that you know what you need, it’s time to let your husband know what you need. And even if you’ve been married for 15 years, he still isn’t a mind reader and he has no clue what your emotional needs are. So, use this simple template:

I need [————-] from you because [————]. Then go into specifics.

It could be something as simple as I need more support from you because I am feeling tired and burned out. Then proceed to further define what support is. What he thinks is supportive isn’t what you might think is supportive.

3) Avoid the blame game

When you have this conversation with your husband, please avoid name calling, finger pointing attacking him or blaming him. This will only lead to an argument which will distract both of you from the initial goal, which was to help both of you feel more connected and to free you from superwoman syndrome.

4) Talk about your feelings

I am a huge fan of feeling words because they help others truly understand what is going on in your internal world. It is the closest thing to real time mind reading. When people who love you truly understand the feelings that are underneath your request, it helps to seal the deal.

Help your husband understand what burn out feels like. Helps him udnersstnd that you feel isolated because you’re spending so much time helping others. Help him understand how sad it is for you to constantly check in on others while everyone assumes you’re doing well. If you’re not sure how you feel, use this feelings wheel to help you pick the appropriate words.

A simple way to communicate your feelings is by using the formula below:

I feel [—-] about [—-] and here is what I need [—-]

For example, “I feel sad about not being checked on. I need you to send me a daily text to see how my work day is going.”

OR

“I feel overwhelmed picking the kids up from school every day. I need you to alternate school pick ups with me so I can get a break.”

Remember that your husband is your ally. He wants to support you, but he can’t do that if he has no clue what type of support you need.

If you are ready to learn how to genuinely communicate your emotional needs with your spouse so that you can stop having the same arguments each month, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me for couples therapy in Houston.

Marriage Counseling Tips: How to communicate almost anything in your marriage

Marriage is such a beautiful thing- two people in love coming together to make a life together. But what happens after a few years when the butterflies fade? Sometimes you look at your spouse and wonder why you can’t just get along. You wonder why you married him, and you suddenly realize that you do not know how to communicate with your spouse.

One of the biggest struggles I see when I work with couples in marriage counseling in Temecula, is that they do not know how to talk to one another in a way that the other person can easily understand and accept.

But never fear, communication in marriage is a skill that anyone can learn.

Here is how to easily communicate almost anything in your marriage.

Prepare for the Conversation

Know what outcome you’re looking for before you communicate.

The outcome of the communication determines what your goal actually say. Is your purpose to clarify something that seems unclear? Is your purpose to apologize for a wrong you’ve done? (Yes, apologies should happen often in marriage). Is your purpose to seek understanding and improve friendship? Or is your purpose to problem solve and brainstorm a situation?

Pick 1 issue at a time. Your marriage can’t take nit picking.

In marriage counseling, typically couples talk about too many issues at once. This often leads to a feeling of overwhelm, anxiety, or just frustration. When you talk about too many issues at once, it is almost impossible to fix them all in one sitting.

To fix this, focus on one issue at the time, and make sure you keep the main thing the main thing. So for example, if the purpose of the conversation is to brainstorm how you're going to spend your summer, focus on summer plans alone.

This is not the time to talk about the kids going back to school, previous marital struggles or your career.

Pick one issue, talk through the issue, and only move on to another issue if both of you have the emotional bandwidth to have another discussion.

Pick an appropriate time or set an appointment

Now I know that the idea of setting an appointment with your spouse in a marriage is not sexy at all. But clear communication is very sex-it helps your spouse have clarity when you are speaking.

If you know that you're ready to discuss something heavy or something important, let your spouse know that you have something important to talk about, and ask them what their schedule looks like over the next week. After you do that, pick an appropriate time that would be free from distractions. There's no bigger frustration than trying to talk to your husband when he is watching a UFC fight. He will have one eye on the fight, and one eye on you, creating a feeling of irritation on your part. So set an appointment.

Time to talk. How to talk and what to say.

Step 1: “I statements” never fail

Another mistake that most couples make when I see them in marriage counseling, is that they keep the conversation focused on their spouse. I hear them say “You never do …”, “You always do…” They keep the conversation focused on “You, you, you.”

When your spouse hears the word ‘you,’ they immediately feel attacked. And when someone feels attacked their fight or flight reaction kicks in. So most people either shut down during the conversation, or will feel the need to defend themselves and start a fight.

But what do you want is for your spouse to be open, put their walls down, open their ears, so that they can truly understand what you are communicating.

To provide such a positive environment it is important to use I statements. So try starting with, I feel like [insert].

Step 2: Have the listener reflect back what the speaker is saying

When your spouse is communicating something important to you, focus on truly understanding what they are saying.

Stay quiet so that you can capture everything that they are saying. Resist the urge to correct them, to argue with them, or to be defensive. After every sentence, or every other sentence, repeat back what you hear them saying to you.

This gives them the chance to also hear what they are saying to you. It is important that you reflect back, so that your spouse can correct you if you have heard their statement incorrectly. Once you reflect their statement, and your partner has agreed that what you have reflected back is indeed accurate, then your spouse continue to talk.

Keep reflecting his statements, until he is done addressing that one issue.

Step 3: Validate your spouse

This is a step that most couples skip. When your husband or wife says something important to you, take time to listen, reflect, then validate their feelings. Validation is something as simple as "I can't understand why you feel that way." Or “I can see why you would be upset.”

Watch your tone here, so that you don't come across as sarcastic or disrespectful. Also watch those facial expressions. Remember the idea here is to come to a place of understanding, NOT fight each other.

Step 4: The listener can now speak

Once the person speaking is done, and the listener has reflected back what he or she has heard, it is now time for the listener to have their turn speaking.

And the same rules apply.

When the listener becomes the speaker, the other spouse must stay quiet, and then reflect back what they think they are hearing. If the person speaking has a correction to make, then he or she can then correct the person that was speaking.

It is important that we slow down our communication, to prevent anything we say from being misconstrued, when your partner does misconstrue your statements, it is OK to have them pause so that you can correct them.

Step 5: Seal it with a kiss (Or a hug or a hand hold or whatever form of affection you like)

And to seal everything off when you're done addressing that one issue, feel free to hold your partner’s hand, give them a kiss, a hug and apologize or just repair what was broken a few minutes ago.

Remember that good communication in marriage is possible for everyone, however it does take a whole lot of practice. But the more you practice, the better you get at these communication skills.

If you feel like you and your spouse are having a difficult time in your marriage, you don't see eye to eye, and you feel like your friendship is dwindling, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, to see if marriage counseling in Temecula is right for you.

I also provide Christian marriage counseling in the Murrieta, Temecula area.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Trauma Therapist Houston: How Brainspotting Can Help You Heal

Before we dive in, here’s a link to a video and blog post on “What is brainspotting?

what is brainspotting and how does it actually work?

It’s pretty simple. When you are having a conversation with someone, you’ll notice that their eyes move all over the place. Sometimes their eyes look up and to the right, other times, it’s down and to the left, and still, other times they might appear to be looking far away in the distance.

But it really is all about your brain processing.

During brainspotting therapy, your therapist doesn’t do a lot of talking.

What to Expect from Your First Session with a Trauma Therapist in Houston

They utilize your eye gaze to help your brain gently bring up important memories. Your therapist will ask you to focus on a specific point- the point at which your brain naturally wants you to focus on, so that it can process appropriately.

You are gently told to bring up the event or experience that you want to process. One of the ways I do this is with a pointer. I help you find the right spot for you to focus on- brainspotting therapists know how to do this.

What to Expect from Your First Session with a Trauma Therapist in Houston

I slowly bring the pointer across the screen (watch this video for the explanation. Start at 0:57 to see how I use my pointer). When I notice that your face makes certain reflex movements, I’ll stop the pointer. Then I ask that you continue to gaze at the spot while bringing up some of the experiences that brought you into therapy.

Another tool that I use in brainspotting therapy is biolateral music. Biolateral music is simply music that bounces back and forth- from left ear to right ear- in an unpredictable pattern, which allows your brain to process.

You will have headphones on, while the music is on very low volume, so you can still hear me talking and you can still follow my guidance. This entire process rewires your brain.

I won’t be doing a whole bunch of talking, my job is just to set it up, hold the space for you, and allow you to gently bring up those experiences that brought you into therapy.

On your own, you’ll be able to come up with all sorts of answers that you didn't know were inside you. The idea is that you already have the resources within you. You just need the right environment to bring them up.

It is you processing an event, your trauma, or your experiences, while looking at a certain spot. Where you look affects how you feel- is the premise behind brainspotting.

Brainspotting is useful for:

• People who have experienced trauma.

• People with anxiety or fear.

• Athletes, performers and musicians who are stuck.

• Entrepreneurs who want to get rid of mental blocks that stop them from making decisions.

If you are ready to finally heal from past trauma, anxiety or difficult experiences, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation to find out if brainspotting is right for you. I am a Black therapist who provides online therapy for people who live in California and Texas.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

What exactly is Brainspotting Therapy?

So what exactly is brainspotting? Maybe you've heard of brainspotting before and you're curious about it, or maybe you have no clue what I'm talking about. Before we jump in, know that brainspotting is very different from EMDR.

Brainspotting is different from EMDR

In my opinion it is way better, but of course I'm biased because I am a brainspotting therapist.

The idea behind brainspotting therapy is very simple.

It is that when we go through trauma, stress, or difficult experiences, they can get locked into certain parts of the brain.

The experiences get locked into the reptilian or subcortical part of your brain where your emotions are processed.

This often happens to maybe protect your body from the difficult emotions. Because if you spent all of your time thinking about all the big, difficult things that have happened in your life, you’d be paralyzed by fear, anxiety or overwhelm. So then your brain locks those emotions into one place.

Perhaps your body might not be ready to process those emotions yet, so it just protects them in the reptilian brain. However this becomes a problem, when the memories begin to interfere in your life.

The effects of locking up your emotions

You find yourself avoiding emotions altogether, or having a hard time regulating your emotions. Or the memories of the difficult experience keep popping back up, and you have no idea what to do with them.

Through the process of brainspotting, your therapist will help you unlock some of those emotions, so that you can better process them and heal your hurt brain.

The tools of Brainspotting

Some of the tools that I use in brainspotting are a pointer and biolateral music to help you dig into the subcortical brain.

The benefits of brainspotting

Brainspotting therapy is just a simple tool to help you unlock the emotions, trauma and experiences that have been trapped in your brain, so that you can process then and free yourself from pain. You leave the sessions feeling like a load has been lifted off your shoulders, and the memories that have felt unbearably scary, get less and less scary.

Brainspotting can be helpful for:

• People who have experienced trauma.

• People with anxiety or fear.

• Athletes, performers and musicians who are stuck.

• Entrepreneurs who want to get rid of mental blocks that stop them from making important decisions.

Here is a link to anther blog post and video on how brainspotting works.

If you are ready to heal your brain and try brainspotting therapy, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I provide brainspotting in Temecula, Murrieta area and brainspotting in Houston, TX. I see clients throughout Texas and California online.

Home remedies for insomnia: Create a sleep supporting bedroom

If you struggle with insomnia, chances are that falling asleep is an entire nightmare for you. So here is how you can prepare your bedroom so that you can actually sleep. 

When you begin this process, think about the spa. Spas are designed to feel relaxing and comforting. While your bedroom doesn’t necessarily have to be a spa, it’s important to incorporate some of the qualities of a spa- for a relaxing vibe. It is possible to get great sleep even if you have struggled with insomnia for years.

Think about your five senses.

When you set up your bedroom, it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, and it doesn’t have to take a whole lot of your time. It just has to engage your 5 senses.

Let’s start with your sense of sight.

Have you ever been to a cluttered spa ? Of course not. Simply walk into your bedroom and look around. Just kind of look around and tidy up a little bit because when there’s stuff everywhere it is going to affect your ability to sleep. This is especially true for those people whose thoughts are constantly racing.

Are the colors on your wall inviting? Or does it just kind of feel blah? Think of soothing neutral colors- or if you’re someone who likes a little pop of color on your walls (as long as that won’t affect your sleep)-that’s fine too. You won’t cure insomnia Ian one day, but it is possible to beat insomnia and the anxiety that comes with it.

Invest In Some Blackout Curtains

Black out curtains at night are also important to keep light out. You want things to be calm, so invest in some blackout curtains or close your blinds in the evening, so that your room doesn’t have a lot of light flowing in. Light is important because your body is naturally designed to wake up and get ready for the day when it sees sunlight. This could help you get rid of insomnia quickly.

Sense of Smell

What does your bedroom smell like? Is it inviting? Is it relaxing? Is it soothing? Or is it just kind of blah and funky? I am a big fan of diffusers and candles. I like to keep things pretty natural so I’m not a big fan of sprays- but just do whatever works best for you.

Use relaxing scents

Some scents that help to induce sleep are lavender, cedarwood, ylang ylang, chamomile and clary sage. Invest in some candles or some essential oils.

Air out your bedroom for better sleep

If you’re sensitive to smells, just make sure you air out your bedroom during the day so that your bedroom doesn’t have that bodily, funky smell at night. All of these little pieces together really can help to enhance your sleep.

Sense of Touch

Think about what it is that you wear to sleep. Is it soft? Does it make you hot and sweaty? Are you cold? Make sure your sleep environment is cool. Some people like to leave windows open.

Some people like to turn on a fan or turn on the air, or even both. If you are hot or sweaty at night it’s going to be more difficult to sleep.

Invest in some comfy pajamas. I’m a big fan of cotton because it’s breathable. Your sleepwear doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy- just comfortable and breathable. 

Also think about your bedsheets. How often do you change your sheets? All of these things are very important for getting your body to be able to relax. You don’t have to get the most expensive sheets, but get some sheets that feel soft on your body. People who are sensitive to touch will have bad quality sleep if they’re on uncomfortable sheets. You don’t even have to get a whole bunch of sheets. You can get one or two and just wash them very often.

Sense of Taste

Some people like to drink things like chamomile tea about an hour or two before bed to kind of get the body to feel more relaxed.

A quick word about bedtimes.

It’s very important to remember that about an hour before your bedtime, (If you follow me on social media, you know that I’m always saying everybody needs a bedtime- even adults. You need a regular bedtime so that your body knows when you’re supposed to be falling asleep.

(Back to your sense of taste)

And this has to do with your body’s production of melatonin. An hour before your bedtime, cut off all eating because you don’t want your digestive system going a mile a minute when you’re trying to sleep. 

Avoid spicy foods and foods that increase in gas, so that your body is settled at night. Now these rules do not apply to every person. But try different things and see what works for you.

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Sense of Hearing

And then lastly we have sound. What does your bedroom sound like? If you live in the city and it’s super loud, you might want to drown out some of that noise. You can use a sound machine to play white noise or sounds of nature (you can find it on Amazon or Walmart). They are not super expensive.

You can also play white noise on your phone. You can listen to a sleep story (It’s basically just like a lullaby. Somebody just calmly reads a story to you and it quiets your thoughts and lulls your body to sleep).

As a busy adult, it is difficult to transition from busy day to brain shutting down and sleeping. That’s why I say spend an hour getting ready for bed- that includes turning off the news or anything that is triggering. (But that’s going to be another blog post).

Another thing that you can do is listen to a sleep meditation and do activities like deep breathing or a body scan that helps you relax your body from head to toe. I am also a fan of bio lateral music- check it out on YouTube.

So there you have it.

Those are things that you can do to create a good sleep environment. You don’t have to do all of those things in one day. Just do one thing a week, and before you know it your bedroom will be a great spa-like sleep environment. 

If you have any questions, please leave me a comment. You can also follow me on Instagram for more sleep tips.

Women’s Online Insomnia Group

If you are a woman who is absolutely sick of insomnia, and you’re looking for a pill free solution for insomnia, I am running a woman’s online insomnia group.

In five sessions, you will learn how to finally get your body to sleep and stay asleep. Say goodbye to sleep anxiety and feeling like a zombie. Click here to learn more about my online women’s insomnia group.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.