Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX

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What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 4)

In my previous 3 blog posts, I have been sharing about the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity and simple ways to manage them. If you want to find out whether or not you are highly sensitive, take Dr Elaine Aron’s self test here.

In my 3 previous blog posts, I talked about;

Depth of Processing (Click here to read about it)

Overarousability (Click here to read about it)

Emotional Intensity (Click here to read about it)

And in this blog post, I’ll tackle Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which is the 4th characteristic of high sensitivity.

What exactly is sensory processing sensitivity?

Have you ever felt the itchy tag at the back of your shirt that drives you nuts? Or the seam in your socks that no one seems to notice? Or do you tend to feel cold when everyone else is fine? Maybe you have always had sensitive skin, or you pick up slight noises easily?

That’s sensory processing sensitivity. Your actual senses seem to be on overdrive.

People around you might not understand how you notice things like this. Maybe all the stimuli around you actually gives you a tummy ache or a headache. Or you seem to be bothered by certain fabrics, your foods touching, your hair being brushed, or shoes not fitting correctly. This could make you feel like something is wrong with you.

It is important to state here that you should probably first go to the physician to ensure that nothing is actually wrong, as we do not want to brush everything off as high sensitivity. Sometimes people actually do have allergies or actual physical disorders. So get that checked out first.

But if all of that pans out and you find out that you are actually highly sensitive, here are some things you might do about it:

How to cope with sensory processing sensitivity

One of the best ways to cope with sensory processing sensitivity is to set your home and work environment up for success. Think about taking care of your five senses.

  1. Smell

    Ensure your home, car, closet and work environments are aired out regularly if possible. That eliminates stale smells that could cause you to gag or feel uncomfortable. If you have specific scents that you like, consider getting some type of air freshener, candles or essential oils to create relaxing or refreshing smells all around you. You could even include fresh flowers or plants to help oxygenate the indoor air.

  2. Sight

    Clutter is the enemy of every highly sensitive person. Even if you are the most disorganized person on the earth, it will still drive you nuts. Come up with a very simple tidy up routine that you can do every night. I personally find it easier to tidy up as I go. If you struggle with being disorganized, this book will really help you thrive.

    Minimalist decor also presents you with less clutter for you to look at or stimuli for you to notice.

  3. Sound

    When searching for an apartment or a home, if you can avoid it, avoid living on a busy intersection. The sound of traffic will most likely bother you. You might also try sleeping with a white noise machine or the sounds of nature to drown out environmental noises. Think about the sound of the appliances in your home. Things like televisions, radios, music or other appliances should be put into consideration. Having too many noises on at the same time can be overstimulating. For example, if your TV, computer and phone are going at the same time, it could become an issue for you.

  4. Touch

    Include soft and comfortable textures in your home or office decor. Buy furniture that feels warm and cozy in the winter, and cool in the summertime.

    Although leather furniture tends to look appealing to the eye, it is often hot to sit on in the summer and pretty cold in the winter. Leather also tends to stick to the skin when you sweat.

    Only buy clothes that feel comfortable. Although we all want to wear the latest fashions, you will feel miserable if your fabric feels itchy and non-breathable. Include items cozy socks, and warm breathable bedding and pajamas in your home.

    Also be aware of the temperature you set your thermostat to- nothing too hot or too cold. Cool will feel the best.

  5. Taste

    Some highly sensitive people cannot handle certain foods due to their smell, texture or taste. Do not force yourself to eat these foods- even if they are a cultural norm. Get used to setting boundaries and letting people know your food preferences.

    If you are a highly sensitive woman who is ready to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions, set clear boundaries and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough call so we can work together.

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What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 3)

Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.

For the past few weeks, I have been diving into exactly what high sensitivity is. If you want a complete definition of what high sensitivity is, click here for the first part of this blog. And if you are wondering whether or not you are highly sensitive, click here to take Dr Elaine Aron’s high sensitivity self test.

In my previous blog I mentioned that there are four parts to high sensitivity:

Depth of processing (To learn more about depth of processing click here)

Overarousability (To learn more about depth of processing click here)

Emotional Intensity

Sensory processing sensitivity

Today, I'll be focusing on emotional intensity.

Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.

This is one of the top struggles I see in my practice as an anxiety therapist in Houston and as a high sensitivity coach. Most highly sensitive people are embarrassed because they tend to cry a lot. People with high sensitivity often complain that they cry when they're angry, sad, upset, frustrated, or even tired. And this often elicits negative comments from the non sensitive people around them such as “Why are you such a cry baby?” Or “Why do you always have to cry?,” or “You cry too much.” This then causes the sensitive person to believe that they are “Dramatic” or “Too soft.”

How to manage emotional intensity

  1. Turn to the arts

    Highly sensitive people often do well when they have an outlet for their emotions. If you do not have supportive people around you who can listen to your struggles, or help you process your emotions, you can try processing your emotions through arts, downs, music, writing or some sort of creative outlet.

  2. Become your own cheerleader

    Chances are you were called dramatic or you felt like your emotions were not welcome when you were growing up, so as an adult it might be helpful to become your own cheerleader.

    Whenever you have an experience of a big emotion, you can let yourself know that it is actually OK to have those deep emotions. Remember that every single person on earth experiences emotions. The difference between you and them is that you just experience them on a much bigger scale and you express them a bit differently.

  3. Learn more about emotions

    I know that this might sound counterintuitive. On the one hand, you feel like you have way too many emotions, but on the other hand, you might not know too much about emotions because most of your life, your emotions were made fun of, shamed, or pushed away.

    One of my favorite tools for recognizing emotions is called the feelings wheel. It is a colorful wheel that has a list of many different emotions that range in depth and intensity.

    When you feel some sort of emotion going on inside you, take a look at the feelings wheel and try to pinpoint what emotion it is that you are feeling. This not only empowers you, but it puts a name to the feeling, thereby reducing your feeling of shame or confusion.

    And there we go. The third characteristic of high sensitivity is done. If you are a highly sensitive woman looking to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions and finally stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough session to see how we can work together.

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What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 2)

Over arousal simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes. Here is how to manage over arousal as a highly sensitive person.

In my previous blog post, I discussed what high sensitivity actually is. I'll be breaking down the four characteristics of high sensitivity over the next few weeks.

Read the previous blog post here where I describe what high sensitivity is and I delve into depth of processing (the first characteristic of high sensitivity).

In this blog series, I’ll be sharing the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity, which are:

Depth of Processing (Read more about it here)

Overarousability

Emotional Intensity

Sensory Processing Sensitivity

I already went over depth of processing in my previous blog post. Depth of processing basically means thinking very deeply before making decisions. Some people might call it over analyzing.

In this post, I'll be talking about the second characteristic of high sensitivity which is over arousability.

To be over aroused simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others, thereby causing you to feel overwhelmed in a way. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes.

As an anxiety therapist in Houston and a high sensitivity coach, this is often a complaint I get. HSPs often think something must be wrong with them- because they notice things no one else does.

The smell that is ever so slight, feels so pungent to you, but other people barely notice it. It is also possible to be under aroused when you're not picking up enough stimuli. When this happens, you tend to get bored. The struggle is sometimes people do the wrong things when they are under aroused such as drinking coffee or other stimulants, or turning the TV up too loud.

What you want is an optimal level of arousal.

Over arousal might even mean that you pick up stimuli like pain a lot easier than others- which means your pain tolerance might be lower than others’. This should be very important to discuss with your physician so that they can come up with a great treatment plan for you.

Highly sensitive people can also be easily aroused by stimuli inside their bodies, such as hunger, thirst, and tiredness. This is why it is important to eat at the appropriate times and take care of your physical body, so that it doesn't negatively affect your mood. It might be the reason why you act like a grouch when you are hungry, and other people tend to be able to stay longer periods of time without food. Do not compare yourself to other people. You are a unique human and that's just OK.

Highly sensitive people have different levels of arousal, so this means one highly sensitive person might notice all the smells, and another person might not even pick up on them at all. Or one highly sensitive person might have very sensitive hearing, while the other does not.

So how does one manage over arousability?

  1. Take a break.

    If you find yourself in a crowded room, where they are too many people around you, the volume is high, everybody is sweating, and there are lots of perfumes in the room, rather than powering through it- which is what most highly sensitive people tend to do- just take a break.

    You can head over to the bathroom to breathe for a few minutes, go outside for some fresh air, or you can sit and take a look at your phone to just give you a distraction in the moment. You also do not have to stay at events for very long. Normalize popping in and popping out.

  2. Utilize mindfulness skills.

    Mindfulness simply means being present in the moment and focusing on one external sensation or internal sensation to allow your body to be calm. So while you're in that very loud, uncomfortable room, start to slow your breathing down.

    Take a few deep breaths in and a few deep breaths out, and focus on the breath. If taking a deep breath is difficult for you, then just notice your breath as it is. Notice air fill your lungs and move out of it. Doing this one simple action gets your brain off the external overstimulation that you're experiencing. Click here to watch some of my mindfulness videos.

  3. Spend some time in nature.

    Highly sensitive people tend to LOVE nature. We tend to enjoy the trees, the sound of chirping birds, the feeling of the breeze on our skin, looking around and just enjoying the calm.

    You do not have to wait until you are overstimulated to enjoy nature. If you live in a beautiful, serene environment, make nature walks a part of your schedule. Even something as little as sitting near a window can help. If you don’t live in a serene environment and you don’t have windows, pull up a video online and imagine yourself walking through a peaceful neighborhood.

  4. Change your environment.

    If you find yourself completely over aroused by the same people or situations over and over again, then maybe it is time to go somewhere else. If you are around the same over arousing friend who seems to not respect your boundaries- even after you have set the boundaries 1 million times- then maybe it's time to change that.

    Or if you live in an especially loud part of town, and you have the ability to move to a quieter apartment, or home, take advantage of that. Your job is not to be a martyr. You are allowed to be happy.

  5. If you have some level of control over the situation, then change the situation.

    For example if you're sitting in your home and you just notice that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, turn down the simulation. You can do this by thinking about your five senses.

    You can reduce the sound of the TV or turn it off, you can adjust the temperature on the thermostat, you can turn off any irritating smells or put on a calming smell.

    You can also visualize something pretty. This is why it is important to surround yourself and your home or working environment with pretty things. They do not have to be expensive. They just have to be pretty to you.

  6. Shock your nervous system.

    And if you want to completely shock your nervous system, a quick trick is to splash little bit of cold water on your face or at the back of your neck. You can also drink a nice glass of cold water, or go outside into the cold for a few seconds. This will shock your nervous system and get it to reset.

  7. Utilize positive self talk.

    Positive self talk is a simple way to help you feel safe. Think about it as being your own encourager or cheerleader. It is important to remind yourself that you are actually safe. This prevents your mind from racing, will hopefully slow down your heart rate and prevent you from moving into fear, anxiety or sheer panic.

If you are truly ready to learn more about how to turn your high sensitivity into your superpower, how to manage big emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 20 minute breakthrough call so that we can work together.

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What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 1)

What exactly is high sensitivity?

If you have been told “You’re too sensitive,” “You cry too much,” “You need to toughen up,” “You need to not be so upset,” “You have no reason to be upset” or “You need to grow tougher skin,” then chances are you might actually be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

What exactly is high sensitivity?

If you have been told “You’re too sensitive,” “You cry too much,” “You need to toughen up,” “You need to not be so upset,” “You have no reason to be upset” or “You need to grow tougher skin,” then chances are you might actually be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Did you know that was even a thing?

If you find yourself experiencing feelings deeply, analyzing situations more than the average person, noticing small changes in the environment, picking up subtle textures, picking up smells no one seems to notice, or not being able to handle certain foods or chemicals, perhaps you might also be highly sensitive.

My first introduction to high sensitivity was through a friend. All my life, I had assumed I was “Too soft” and something was wrong with me. I even completed graduate school as a psychotherapist, got a professional psychotherapy license, and had still never heard about high sensitivity.

So if I, a therapist in Houston, wasn't taught about high sensitivity in graduate school, or during my therapy internship, don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of high sensitivity.

But once I discovered this new world of high sensitivity, I learned how to manage the trait appropriately, accept myself as a highly sensitive person and I now teach others to do the same (Click here to schedule a free discovery call if you’re ready to learn how to turn your sensitivity into your super power).

But I digress.

High sensitivity has been championed and studied for decades by Dr Elaine Aron. She came up with the high sensitivity self test. It’s a simple free online quiz you take from the comfort of your home. Based on your answers, you’ll find out how sensitive you actually are.

Please note that sensitivity is not a disorder, it is not something to be cured or changed. It defers distinctly from Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism. Sensitivity is also NOT a bad thing. It’s simply just a trait like having brown hair or green eyes. It’s neutral.

High sensitivity has 4 basic characteristics. It’s a simple acronym- DOES:

Depth of Processing

Overarousability

Emotional Intensity

Sensory Processing Sensitivity

Let’s start with Depth of Processing

Highly sensitive people tend to think about and analyze themselves, others and their environments very deeply. This could look like:

  • Spending a lot of time weighing pros and cons before making decisions- hence why it’s difficult for you to make quick decisions. It’s even hard for you to pick the best brand of peanut butter when you have 60 options at the store.

  • Thinking deeply about how your behavior will affect others- making you a great champion of charity causes. For example, you don’t throw trash out because you think of the consequences for the environment if everyone threw trash out of their moving cars.

  • You feel a strong sense of empathy for others- hence why you’ve been called “Soft.” But this empathy is why you “Feel the emotions of others strongly.” As an anxiety therapist in Houston, TX and a high sensitivity coach, this is the part that often brings clients to me.

  • You have a strong sense of intuition and you regret it when you ignore it.

How do you cope with depth of processing?

1) Give yourself some time before you make a decision: Making decisions is tough for highly sensitive people. This does not mean that you cannot make great decisions, it just means that it is more difficult to make decisions when you're under pressure, being watched, or in a time crunch.

So to make your life a lot easier, give yourself some time before making a decision. If somebody's trying to pressure you to do something now, simply let them know that you need some more time. It's a simple as that. Remember that you are in control and boundary setting is a great tool.

2) Do your research: Highly sensitive people want to make sure they come up with the perfect decision every time. Resist the urge to be perfect, and just go with good enough. I know this sounds difficult, but it's a nice way to get you to where you need to go. Before making a decision, spend some time weighing the pros and cons of different options. You could even write them out if that helps you. It gets the decision making process out of your brain and onto paper. When you can visualize something, it makes it a lot easier.

3) Take a break when you need it: When you find yourself feeling completely overwhelmed because you have too many options, then it might be time to take a break. Spend some time away from decision-making, and just go do some deep breathing and relaxation. Take a nap, watch a show, speak to a friend over the phone, pray on it, do whatever it is that it takes to take your mind off it. You are allowed to rest when you're about to make a decision.

That pretty much sums it up for the first part of high sensitivity. Does this sound familiar? Do you process the world deeply? Do you think you might be a highly sensitive person?

If you are ready to learn more about what high sensitivity actually is, so you can manage your BIG emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free breakthrough call with me.

Remember, high sensitivity is a gift. You just have to learn how to use it.

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Lessons to superwoman: How to manage the fear of success

Most of us have heard of the fear of failure, but did you know that a lot of women actually have the fear of success? As a therapist in Temecula, CA, I hear about this a lot. Here's what to do if you struggle with the fear of success.

Most of us have heard of the fear of failure, but did you know that a lot of women actually have the fear of success? As a therapist in Temecula, CA, I hear about this a lot. Here's what to do if you struggle with the fear of success.

Get honest about what your true thoughts are on success

Think about some of the women around you who have been successful. What is it about them that you admire? What is it about them that you dislike? What is your mind telling you will happen if people view you continue to climb up the ladder of success?

Do you have the fear of being seen? Do you worry that being successful will take away your ‘street cred?’ Or perhaps do you worry that your friends and family will no longer be able to connect with you if you were much more successful than them? Maybe you’re worried that your spouse will feel threatened if you are successful. This is something you can process in counseling.

It is important that you get clear about some of the thoughts that come up for you, so that you are able to work through them. Get out a sheet of paper and write out about 2 to 3 thoughts that come up for you when you think about being successful.

Remind yourself how hard you have worked

People who worry about being successful are often people who are high achieving, goal oriented, and hard-working. Although at the back of your mind you know that you want your hard work to pay off, but these pesky thoughts keep coming in the way to block you.

Next the list of your thoughts about success, write down reasons why you deserve to be successful. Remind yourself of how hard you have worked, remind yourself about how brilliant that you are, remind yourself of how deserving you are to be recognized for your efforts.

Remember, being successful does not really have anything to do with being famous, being successful simply means that your efforts are fruitful. And everyone deserves to be rewarded for their efforts – including you. Luckily, counseling or therapy can help.

Get some wise mentorship

Being comfortable with success can seem almost impossible if you do not hang out with people who are way higher on the ladder of success than you are. You can start by doing a social media search. Find women who are doing exactly what it is that you want to be doing in five years.

During my counseling sessions in Murrieta, I often encourage my clients to be bold. If you feel comfortable, you can even reach out to them and let them know that you are inspired by them. When we spend time with people who are more successful than us, and we begin to see that successful people are just as human as we are, it eases some of the stress associated with the fear of success.

Continuously affirm yourself

Positive affirmations have been a longstanding top in counseling or therapy. When you struggle with the fear of being seen, or the fear of success, chances are that your mind is filled with a lot of negative thoughts such as "I do not belong here," “I will never be successful," “Being successful is scary,,” "They know a lot more than me." So as you get up every morning, write down positive affirmations to help you bring your mind to where your heart is.

Some of the affirmations could go something like this:

“I am just as smart and deserving as everyone else.” “I deserve success.” “I deserve for my hard work to be rewarded.” “I deserve a seat at the table.” “I belong in the company of successful people.” “As a successful woman, I will have a bigger reach to help people.”

Remember that you are deserving in all that you do. And also remember that the fear of success is actually quite common. I hear this problem over and over again in my counseling sessions for anxious women in the Murrieta Temecula area. So go easy on yourself.

If you are a high achieving, goal oriented woman of color who struggles with the fear of success or the fear of being seen, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that you can better manage those pesky thoughts and finally feel confident sitting at the table of success. You deserve success.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

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Dear Superwoman: Let Your Husband In—He’s Your Partner, Not Your Project

One of my missions as a licensed marriage and family therapists is to help the women I work with, learn how to get rid of superwoman syndrome.

“What’s that?” you ask.

Well, Superwoman syndrome (it’s not an actual diagnosable syndrome BTW) is the idea that you are so capable, responsible and independent that you struggle to ask anyone around you for help. While that might sound like a great thing, it could leave you overburdened, burned out and resentful. The people around you get so used to you taking care of everything by yourself that they stop asking you if you need help.

Because no one checks up on you, you begin to resent the people around you, you feel lonely and things don’t look good. You get it?

Superwoman syndrome can be a big problem in a marriage. Because you find yourself carrying majority of the emotional load, while your spouse appears to live his best life. The trouble is your spouse might not have any idea that you’re actually resentful of him or struggling in any way.

You see, couples often get used to a specific dance. In this case the dance looks like you being super independent and capable, carrying majority of the emotional and/or domestic load, while your spouse gets to luxuriate (also probably not a real word).

How do you fix this persistent problem?

1) Check in with yourself to find out what you need

When you’re so used to playing the superwoman role, you might expect everyone to jump in to help you because it’s ‘Common sense’ or because you are used to jumping in without being told. Well, there’s no such thing as common sense and a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.

So ask yourself what areas you’re actually willing to delegate. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself resisting this step. Because you are so used to doing things by yourself, you might not know how to check in with yourself. It’s a practice. Set aside 5 minutes a day to sit in a quite place and ask yourself what you need. Mentally comb through some of the activities of the day and ask yourself what or who could make your life easier. Write it down.

2) Have a sit down talk with your husband

Now that you know what you need, it’s time to let your husband know what you need. And even if you’ve been married for 15 years, he still isn’t a mind reader and he has no clue what your emotional needs are. So, use this simple template:

I need [————-] from you because [————]. Then go into specifics.

It could be something as simple as I need more support from you because I am feeling tired and burned out. Then proceed to further define what support is. What he thinks is supportive isn’t what you might think is supportive.

3) Avoid the blame game

When you have this conversation with your husband, please avoid name calling, finger pointing attacking him or blaming him. This will only lead to an argument which will distract both of you from the initial goal, which was to help both of you feel more connected and to free you from superwoman syndrome.

4) Talk about your feelings

I am a huge fan of feeling words because they help others truly understand what is going on in your internal world. It is the closest thing to real time mind reading. When people who love you truly understand the feelings that are underneath your request, it helps to seal the deal.

Help your husband understand what burn out feels like. Helps him udnersstnd that you feel isolated because you’re spending so much time helping others. Help him understand how sad it is for you to constantly check in on others while everyone assumes you’re doing well. If you’re not sure how you feel, use this feelings wheel to help you pick the appropriate words.

A simple way to communicate your feelings is by using the formula below:

I feel [—-] about [—-] and here is what I need [—-]

For example, “I feel sad about not being checked on. I need you to send me a daily text to see how my work day is going.”

OR

“I feel overwhelmed picking the kids up from school every day. I need you to alternate school pick ups with me so I can get a break.”

Remember that your husband is your ally. He wants to support you, but he can’t do that if he has no clue what type of support you need.

If you are ready to learn how to genuinely communicate your emotional needs with your spouse so that you can stop having the same arguments each month, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me for couples therapy in Houston.

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