Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA &amp; TX

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/23/21 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/23/21

Marriage Counseling Tips: How to communicate almost anything in your marriage

In marriage counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I teach couples how to effectively communicate so that they can avoid fights, reduce misunderstandings and learn how to get on the same page. Click to learn more.

Marriage is such a beautiful thing- two people in love coming together to make a life together. But what happens after a few years when the butterflies fade? Sometimes you look at your spouse and wonder why you can’t just get along. You wonder why you married him, and you suddenly realize that you do not know how to communicate with your spouse.

One of the biggest struggles I see when I work with couples in marriage counseling in Temecula, is that they do not know how to talk to one another in a way that the other person can easily understand and accept.

But never fear, communication in marriage is a skill that anyone can learn.

Here is how to easily communicate almost anything in your marriage.

Prepare for the Conversation

Know what outcome you’re looking for before you communicate.

The outcome of the communication determines what your goal actually say. Is your purpose to clarify something that seems unclear? Is your purpose to apologize for a wrong you’ve done? (Yes, apologies should happen often in marriage). Is your purpose to seek understanding and improve friendship? Or is your purpose to problem solve and brainstorm a situation?

Pick 1 issue at a time. Your marriage can’t take nit picking.

In marriage counseling, typically couples talk about too many issues at once. This often leads to a feeling of overwhelm, anxiety, or just frustration. When you talk about too many issues at once, it is almost impossible to fix them all in one sitting.

To fix this, focus on one issue at the time, and make sure you keep the main thing the main thing. So for example, if the purpose of the conversation is to brainstorm how you're going to spend your summer, focus on summer plans alone.

This is not the time to talk about the kids going back to school, previous marital struggles or your career.

Pick one issue, talk through the issue, and only move on to another issue if both of you have the emotional bandwidth to have another discussion.

Pick an appropriate time or set an appointment

Now I know that the idea of setting an appointment with your spouse in a marriage is not sexy at all. But clear communication is very sex-it helps your spouse have clarity when you are speaking.

If you know that you're ready to discuss something heavy or something important, let your spouse know that you have something important to talk about, and ask them what their schedule looks like over the next week. After you do that, pick an appropriate time that would be free from distractions. There's no bigger frustration than trying to talk to your husband when he is watching a UFC fight. He will have one eye on the fight, and one eye on you, creating a feeling of irritation on your part. So set an appointment.

Time to talk. How to talk and what to say.

Step 1: “I statements” never fail

Another mistake that most couples make when I see them in marriage counseling, is that they keep the conversation focused on their spouse. I hear them say “You never do …”, “You always do…” They keep the conversation focused on “You, you, you.”

When your spouse hears the word ‘you,’ they immediately feel attacked. And when someone feels attacked their fight or flight reaction kicks in. So most people either shut down during the conversation, or will feel the need to defend themselves and start a fight.

But what do you want is for your spouse to be open, put their walls down, open their ears, so that they can truly understand what you are communicating.

To provide such a positive environment it is important to use I statements. So try starting with, I feel like [insert].

Step 2: Have the listener reflect back what the speaker is saying

When your spouse is communicating something important to you, focus on truly understanding what they are saying.

Stay quiet so that you can capture everything that they are saying. Resist the urge to correct them, to argue with them, or to be defensive. After every sentence, or every other sentence, repeat back what you hear them saying to you.

This gives them the chance to also hear what they are saying to you. It is important that you reflect back, so that your spouse can correct you if you have heard their statement incorrectly. Once you reflect their statement, and your partner has agreed that what you have reflected back is indeed accurate, then your spouse continue to talk.

Keep reflecting his statements, until he is done addressing that one issue.

Step 3: Validate your spouse

This is a step that most couples skip. When your husband or wife says something important to you, take time to listen, reflect, then validate their feelings. Validation is something as simple as "I can't understand why you feel that way." Or “I can see why you would be upset.”

Watch your tone here, so that you don't come across as sarcastic or disrespectful. Also watch those facial expressions. Remember the idea here is to come to a place of understanding, NOT fight each other.

Step 4: The listener can now speak

Once the person speaking is done, and the listener has reflected back what he or she has heard, it is now time for the listener to have their turn speaking.

And the same rules apply.

When the listener becomes the speaker, the other spouse must stay quiet, and then reflect back what they think they are hearing. If the person speaking has a correction to make, then he or she can then correct the person that was speaking.

It is important that we slow down our communication, to prevent anything we say from being misconstrued, when your partner does misconstrue your statements, it is OK to have them pause so that you can correct them.

Step 5: Seal it with a kiss (Or a hug or a hand hold or whatever form of affection you like)

And to seal everything off when you're done addressing that one issue, feel free to hold your partner’s hand, give them a kiss, a hug and apologize or just repair what was broken a few minutes ago.

Remember that good communication in marriage is possible for everyone, however it does take a whole lot of practice. But the more you practice, the better you get at these communication skills.

If you feel like you and your spouse are having a difficult time in your marriage, you don't see eye to eye, and you feel like your friendship is dwindling, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, to see if marriage counseling in Temecula is right for you.

I also provide Christian marriage counseling in the Murrieta, Temecula area.

book a free 15-min consult call

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About the Author

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 7/15/21 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 7/15/21

How to connect with your spouse with physical touch

Here is a simple way to connect with your spouse if their love language is physical touch.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me or exit this page, let me just say that physical touch has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex.

Here is a simple way to connect with your spouse if their love language is physical touch.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me or exit this page, let me just say that physical touch has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex.

If your love language isn’t physical touch, you might find It hard to connect in your marriage in that way. But I’m going to simplify it for you so that your marriage can be enriched and your spouse can feel all the more connected to you. Trust me, these are skills that couples in my therapy practice use all the time.

I find during my marriage counseling sessions that the number 1 issue that spouses face is trying to love their husband or wife using their own love language, rather than speaking their spouse’s specific language.

A quick note: Everyone has a love language. And physical touch can be anyone’s love language- even kids, teens, elderly parents and of course, spouses too.

Let’s get into it.

Invite more hugging into your marriage

A great way to connect using physical touch is through hugs. Many married couples do not hug enough. When I say ‘hug,’ I mean a warm embrace- not the awkward side church hug. You know the type- you use your hands to awkwardly touch the other person's shoulders and try hard to not have any other body parts connect.

When last did you actually hold on to your spouse? When your love language is physical touch, it means that you connect with others using your body. It’s not creepy or weird. It’s natural and human.

Before you leave the house, give your spouse a nice embrace. At night time or bed time, give your spouse a hug. When there’s a celebration, give your spouse a nice, warm hug. Actually wrap your hands around them and let them wrap their arms around you. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

A hug does not have to last 10 minutes. You can hold them for as little as 5 to 10 seconds, but doing this small gesture frequently, will really boost the connection in your marriage.

Married Couples should hold hands more often

This is another one I really like. When you’re taking a walk, getting the mail down the street or going to a restaurant, use that as an opportunity to hold hands with your spouse. Even if you’re sitting on the couch together and watching TV, reach your hand across, find theirs and hold it. When you go to church, a concert or engaging in another activity, just hold your spouse’s hand. If they’re having a difficult time, or expressing a big emotion, reach out to them and hold their hand.

That sends the message that you care and you see them. It also increases the connection in your marriage. Greater connection equals greater intimacy and friendship. See how it all ties together?

Sitting together with connected bodies

When you’re sitting on the couch together, ensure that some part of your bodies are touching. You could put your arm around their shoulder, place a hand on their lap or even touch knees. Any type of physical connection is what they need to stay in tune with you. See how easy that is? Small gestures go a long way.

If physical touch isn’t your love language, it might be daunting at first, but you’re not being asked to cuddle for 30 minutes a day or have sex daily. When you add all the little physical gestures, you might spend a total of 5 to 10 minutes a day speaking your spouses love language. It really doesn't take that long. And as you practice more often, it’ll get easier.

Cuddling increases intimacy in couples

Speaking of cuddling, this is also a great way to connect using physical touch. You don’t have to wait until nighttime to cuddle. A cuddle is just an extended hug or embrace so that your spouse feels seen, heard and connected.

If you’re thinking, “This is really hard,” tell yourself “This isn’t hard. It feels different, but it’s a way to deepen connection in my marriage.” Your spouse hopefully connects with you using your love language, so this is your way of showing them that you care.

Butt tap

This one is all about play, because I’m all for married couples being playful with each other- not every time so serious.

When your spouse is walking in front of you, you could reach out and tap them on the butt. It’s all in good fun. However, if they do not like it, then do not do it. Same thing with hand holding or any of the other physical touch gestures. Only touch your spouse in a way that creates comfort and safety- which is why communication is important in your marriage. Respect and consent are a great part of marriage or coupledom.

A light touch creates joy

A light touch when you’re speaking is also an underutilized form of physical connection in marriage. Sometimes when you’re in mid sentence, you can touch them lightly on the shoulder, on their lap or even on the arm. They need to feel you to feel connected.

Massages

Massages do not have to be sexual- although they could be if you both want to, but if that feels like too much pressure, then a massage can just be used as a tool for relaxation and connection. Do whatever types of massage that you both feel comfortable with. It can be a shoulder massage, back massage, head massage, foot massage- whatever works well for you.

As you’re giving a massage, you can ask them “Do you like this to be harder Orr softer?” “Do you like the smell of the body oil?”

There is no pressure or expectation for anything. Just focus on connecting. Period. Pick what works for you. If you absolutely hate touching feet, don’t give a foot massage. Focus on the areas you’re more comfortable with.

Note that you do not have to do all of the above suggestions. Just figure out what is comfortable for you. If you don’t like hugs or massages, focus on hand holding and sitting together. If you don’t like butt taps, but massages are fine, then focus on that. Just pick one or two of these tips and do them regularly.

If you are ready to take your relationship or marriage from stale and disconnected to feeling intimate and understood, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to learn more about marriage counseling. I work with couples throughout California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/24/21 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/24/21

5 signs that you need marriage counseling ASAP

The average couple waits about 6 years after the start of marital issues before seeking help. 6 years! That’s a long time. It’s over 2,000 days of unhappiness. Let me tell you a secret- you do not need to wait that long to establish the happy, fulfilling relationship that you want.

Now you don’t necessarily have to run to a couples therapist for every relationship issue. Not sure if you should seek marriage counseling? Here are 4 signs that you need couples therapy NOW.

Now you don’t necessarily have to run to a couples therapist or marriage counselor for every relationship issue. Not sure if you should seek marriage counseling? Here are 5 signs that you need couples therapy NOW.

1) The friendship between you and your spouse feels flat

First of all, let me the say that couples therapy isn’t a bad thing- just like taking your car to the mechanic when the check engine light is on, is also not a bad thing.

If you feel like you’re just roommates, you also look over at your spouse and you don’t know them anymore- things just feel off, then It’s an indication that you do really need couples therapy.

Marriage counseling can change a mediocre marriage and make it spectacular. I do hear all the time that couples counseling will end a marriage. That’s not necessarily true. If your marriage ended after couples therapy, chances are that there were many underlying factors that came to the surface and led to the end of the marriage. Chances are those underlying issues would have bubbled up to the surface eventually.

2) You are always irritated by your spouse

There’s some normalcy to being irritated by your spouse every now and then. Disagreements happen all the time in marriage. But if every time you look over at your husband or wife, you feel like you cannot stand their guts, it’s time to have someone come in and help you repair the situation.

Marriage counseling is all about repairing past hurts and improving communication, so that you can move forward in your relationship. You also learn skills to prevent the same issue from coming up over and over again.

It s not about getting rid of all conflicts, marriage counseling helps you manage conflicts appropriately.

3) Your marriage feels like a constant series of arguments

When you notice that you are arguing about toast, the car, what time to wake up in the morning, or just all sorts of unimportant things, that’s a red flag. When you feel like you are strangers who are speaking different languages and no matter how hard you try, it feels like there’s always an argument, there’s another red flag.

You don’t have to continue to live in a situation where you aren’t speaking to each other or everything you say to each other causes annoyance. Marriage doesn't have to be that difficult.

Is it possible to repair a marriage where there has been silent treatment going on for years and years? Yes! Communication is a skill. In marriage counseling, you’ll learn how to talk to each other, how to manage your anger, how to communicate your feelings clearly to your spouse. You learn how to get each other to really listen, take in what you both are hearing and communicate appropriately. It sounds difficult, but with practice, you can do it effectively.

4) Infidelity, secrets and lies are running rampant in your marriage

I believe that there is physical, sexual, financial and emotional infidelity. When there is infidelity, it’s important to see a couples therapist or marriage counselor because talking through what happened is important if the couples wants to find healing.

I don’t believe in pretending that infidelity didn’t happen. You have to talk about it, the partner who engaged in the infidelity should also be repentant and honest about what happened. Chances are the partner who was hurt by the infidelity also wants answers.

In marriage counseling or couples therapy, you’ll address the details of the infidelity or secrets, what led to the infidelity and wats to prevent this from happening in the future. Infidelity, secrets and lies are symptoms of a deeper problem. It’s usually about intimacy and communication. However the spouse who was not involved in the infidelity should not be blamed.

Should you wait until there’s infidelity to go to marriage counseling? Nope. I believe that premarital counseling is important so that you start your marriage on a firm foundation. Most couples unfortunately skip this step.

5) You feel like running away from your marriage or your spouse

You avoid your spouse at all costs. You take the kids to all the extracurricular activities, you work late, wake up early- you just don’t want to see your spouse’s face. Sometimes there’s no infidelity, hatred, or arguing, but there’s a disconnect in your marriage. When your husband is leaving the house, you feel really happy. When he’s out of town, you get excited.

Couples therapy isn’t a bad thing. It’s not a taboo. Chances are you know a few people who have been to marriage counseling- they just aren’t telling you.

Couple counseling doesn't mean you’re on the road to divorce. It just means that you’re on your way to improve your marriage, improve your friendship with your spouse, improve intimacy, learn how to manage conflicts, accept each other and have a happier, healthier relationship.

Are you tired of being in a stale marriage in which you both are speaking different languages? Click here to schedule your 15-minute free consultation call to find out if marriage counseling in Murrieta/Temecula and online is right for you.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/10/21 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/10/21

Going to marriage counseling? Here's how to make the most out of it.

So you’ve started couples counseling. You’re nervous, some times you don’t want to be there, but you really want is to feel connected to your spouse. You’re tired of the arguments, the cold shoulders and feeling like you live with your roommate.

Here are 5 simple tips to help you make the most out of marriage counseling.

So you’ve started couples counseling. You’re nervous. Sometimes you don’t even. want to be there, but what you really want is to feel connected to your spouse. You’re tired of the arguments, the cold shoulders and feeling like you live with a roommate.

Here are 5 simple tips to help you make the most out of marriage counseling.

1) Be clear about your goal for marriage counseling

It’s important to know what you want to get out of couples therapy before you start. For marriage therapy to be successful, both partners must be active participants in the counseling process. Sure, sometimes one partner drags the other one into therapy, but it’s so much more productive when both of you want to be there.

Ask yourself, “What do I want my relationship to look like in 3 months, 6 months or 1 year?” Write down the specifics. Your spouse should do this exercise as well as he or she might have a different outcome in mind.

What would your friends and family members notice about your relationship if marriage counseling or therapy has worked? Write it down.
What will your interactions with your partner look like? How would they be different? Write it down.
What would your kids notice at the dinner table or at bedtime? Write it down.
How will you both handle arguments or conflict if couples therapy was a success? Write it down.

People who come into couples therapy without any goals run the risk of falling out of therapy quicker or dragging out the process endlessly with limited results.

2) Shift your mindset before starting couples therapy or marriage counseling

This starts before you actually talk to your marriage counselor for the first time. It’s important to have a positive mindset before starting couples therapy.

If you believe that marriage counseling won’t work for you- it probably won’t. If you go into therapy thinking, “This sucks. It won’t work.” Or “I don’t want to be here,” then chances are, you won’t be attentive in session, your arms will be crossed the entire time, and you won’t follow through with any of the feedback that your couples therapist gives you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

But if you think “I know I will be asked to try new things. I know that this will be different and I’ll be asked to grow and stretch,” you’ll be in much better shape. Remember that even if you think your husband for wife is the problem, both of you have a role to play in improving your marriage or relationship. Don’t go in there thinking “I have nothing to change. I’m perfect.” Be willing to change something about your behavior, thoughts and dynamics.

3) Get a couples therapy notebook

I say this to all my clients- even those in individual therapy. Most of the work of marriage counseling happens outside of therapy. You only spend about an hour in session, but most of your life is lived outside of the therapy session. There are 23 other hours in the day.

It’s important that you still continue to process and explore what you learned in couples therapy when you’re out and about. As a homework giving therapist who believes that couples therapy should work, I expect my clients to write things that come up for them outside of session, so you can bring it into the marriage counseling session and have a more productive session.

Sometimes you come into session thinking, “There was something I wanted to tell my therapist, but now I’ve forgotten.” Your couples therapy notebook is the perfect place to keep a record of interactions within your marriage. These interactions don’t have to be negative ones. You can also write down positive things like progress you’re making, fun times that are happening, and ways that your relationship is flourishing. This keeps you motivated to keep going in therapy. Therapy shouldn’t just focus on the bad, so track the good.

4) It’s important to actually implement the skills you’re learning in couples therapy

Even if your couples therapist has 7 PhDs and 5 master’s degrees, or he literally wrote the book on couples therapy, your relationship will remain the same if you’re not implementing what you’re learning in marriage counseling. Same goes for individual and family therapy.

Therapy is a way to grow, stretch yourself and stretch your relationship. Even though therapy can be uncomfortable, remember that growth comes with discomfort.

You could be asked to use a softer tone, rather than raising your voice. Or to say “Thank you” more often or to soften your body language. No growth can happen if you continue the way things were.

5) Let your guard down when you go to marriage counseling

It’s normal to be a bit apprehensive, skeptical or afraid when you begin couples therapy. As a therapist, I don’t just throw you to the deep end. I’m able to create safety in the session. This is why I do a free 15-minute consultation call before we begin our work together- so that I ensure that both you and your spouse are ready to begin the process of marriage counseling.

I know it is very difficult to let your guard down in couples therapy- after all, no one goes to marriage counseling because their relationship is perfect. You’re here to fix the areas that are broken. But if your guard is up the entire time, you won’t be able to implement the skills you will learn.

On average most couples wait about 6 years before they go to see a couples therapist. You do not have to wait that long. If something feels off in your marriage or relationship, reach out to a couples therapist.

If you implement these tips I mentioned, chance are couples therapy will work for you. If you are ready to stop the arguing, refresh your marriage and create a lasting love again, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Murrieta and online is right for you.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are: