5 simple ways to stay connected (or reconnect) with your spouse even if you have no extra time in your day

Marriage

May 27

You’re a busy bee. Between work, taking care of the kids, managing a household and planning for your goals and dreams, you barely have a second to yourself- let alone hours and hours to spend with your spouse.

You’ve heard that quality time is important to keep things fresh in your marriage, but where are you supposed to find all this time?

That’s why I’m here. Here are 5 simple ways to stay connected to (or reconnect with) your spouse even if you have no extra time in your day. These are some of the simple tips that I give to my couples who are in marriage or couples counseling.

1) Give your spouse a hearty goodbye whenever you’re leaving the house

When you and your husband or wife are leaving the house for work, for vacation or just to run errands, don’t just run out the door like strangers, create a leaving ritual that’s unique to the both of you.

It could be something as simple as a goodbye kiss, it could be a hug, or it could be a simple “See you later!” It doesn't have to be complicated, but it’s a kind way to let your spouse know that you see them. Never run out of the house without letting your spouse know.

2) Warm greeting when you return home

In marriage counseling, I find that many couples stop greeting each other warmly. This leads to the slow death of a friendship and the waning of intimacy between them.

When you get back home after a long day, say something sweet to your spouse. Give them a smile, a wink, a hug or just say “Hey!” try to do it with a smile on your face. That communicates trust and warmth.

3) Have regular quality mealtimes

Many married couples and families have strayed away from family meals together. I get it, schedules are busy. You don’t necessarily have to eat meals together every single day, but carve out at least 1 meal a week where you get to just eat and talk.

What’s a quality meal time? It’s not about what’s on the menu, but it’s about being attuned to your spouse. Put the phones and devices away and just talk.

These meals don’t have to be formal. You don’t even have to sit at a dining table or have place setting. It doesn’t matter if you cook an elaborate meal, order a meal service or eat a frozen dinner- as long as you are both together.

4) Make bedtimes special

Bedtime can become so mundane. You both plop into the bed and drift off to sleep like exhausted puppies. In many cases, one partner is a morning bird, while the other is a night owl- making bedtimes a source of constant argument in your marriage.

What if you actually set specific times each week where you get to spend an extra 30 minutes together?

At the beginning of the week, look at both your calendars and decide what days and times you’ll both be able to meet this week. Decide what activities you’ll engage in. Some couples watch a weekly show together, some tea a book together, some just talk.

I tell all of my couples to download the Gottman card decks app. It’s a free app that has tons of ideas of conversation starters for you and your spouse. Make your conversations a lot more meaningful.

5) Have regular stress reducing conversations

Stress is one of the biggest reasons why couples seek marriage counseling in my Murrieta office. You and your partner both have so much sitting on your shoulders, and you’re not sure who to turn to.

Make a regular ritual out of talking about your days. If you are in the habit of going on and on about work- to the anger of your spouse- set a timer.

Give each partner 20 minutes to talk about the ups and downs of your day. For the listening partner, your job is to validate and support- not to complain or correct your spouse.

This creates a sense of unity and intimacy. If your partner is carrying the whole world on his or her shoulders, it’ll definitely affect the quality of your relationship. So try this.

Ready to take your marriage to a place of true intimacy and connection, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so we can find out if couples counseling in Temecula is right for you.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.