How to connect with your spouse with physical touch

Jul 15

Here is a simple way to connect with your spouse if their love language is physical touch.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me or exit this page, let me just say that physical touch has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex.

If your love language isn’t physical touch, you might find It hard to connect in your marriage in that way. But I’m going to simplify it for you so that your marriage can be enriched and your spouse can feel all the more connected to you. Trust me, these are skills that couples in my therapy practice use all the time.

I find during my marriage counseling sessions that the number 1 issue that spouses face is trying to love their husband or wife using their own love language, rather than speaking their spouse’s specific language.

A quick note: Everyone has a love language. And physical touch can be anyone’s love language- even kids, teens, elderly parents and of course, spouses too.

Let’s get into it.

Invite more hugging into your marriage

A great way to connect using physical touch is through hugs. Many married couples do not hug enough. When I say ‘hug,’ I mean a warm embrace- not the awkward side church hug. You know the type- you use your hands to awkwardly touch the other person's shoulders and try hard to not have any other body parts connect.

When last did you actually hold on to your spouse? When your love language is physical touch, it means that you connect with others using your body. It’s not creepy or weird. It’s natural and human.

Before you leave the house, give your spouse a nice embrace. At night time or bed time, give your spouse a hug. When there’s a celebration, give your spouse a nice, warm hug. Actually wrap your hands around them and let them wrap their arms around you. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

A hug does not have to last 10 minutes. You can hold them for as little as 5 to 10 seconds, but doing this small gesture frequently, will really boost the connection in your marriage.

Married Couples should hold hands more often

This is another one I really like. When you’re taking a walk, getting the mail down the street or going to a restaurant, use that as an opportunity to hold hands with your spouse. Even if you’re sitting on the couch together and watching TV, reach your hand across, find theirs and hold it. When you go to church, a concert or engaging in another activity, just hold your spouse’s hand. If they’re having a difficult time, or expressing a big emotion, reach out to them and hold their hand.

That sends the message that you care and you see them. It also increases the connection in your marriage. Greater connection equals greater intimacy and friendship. See how it all ties together?

Sitting together with connected bodies

When you’re sitting on the couch together, ensure that some part of your bodies are touching. You could put your arm around their shoulder, place a hand on their lap or even touch knees. Any type of physical connection is what they need to stay in tune with you. See how easy that is? Small gestures go a long way.

If physical touch isn’t your love language, it might be daunting at first, but you’re not being asked to cuddle for 30 minutes a day or have sex daily. When you add all the little physical gestures, you might spend a total of 5 to 10 minutes a day speaking your spouses love language. It really doesn't take that long. And as you practice more often, it’ll get easier.

Cuddling increases intimacy in couples

Speaking of cuddling, this is also a great way to connect using physical touch. You don’t have to wait until nighttime to cuddle. A cuddle is just an extended hug or embrace so that your spouse feels seen, heard and connected.

If you’re thinking, “This is really hard,” tell yourself “This isn’t hard. It feels different, but it’s a way to deepen connection in my marriage.” Your spouse hopefully connects with you using your love language, so this is your way of showing them that you care.

Butt tap

This one is all about play, because I’m all for married couples being playful with each other- not every time so serious.

When your spouse is walking in front of you, you could reach out and tap them on the butt. It’s all in good fun. However, if they do not like it, then do not do it. Same thing with hand holding or any of the other physical touch gestures. Only touch your spouse in a way that creates comfort and safety- which is why communication is important in your marriage. Respect and consent are a great part of marriage or coupledom.

A light touch creates joy

A light touch when you’re speaking is also an underutilized form of physical connection in marriage. Sometimes when you’re in mid sentence, you can touch them lightly on the shoulder, on their lap or even on the arm. They need to feel you to feel connected.

Massages

Massages do not have to be sexual- although they could be if you both want to, but if that feels like too much pressure, then a massage can just be used as a tool for relaxation and connection. Do whatever types of massage that you both feel comfortable with. It can be a shoulder massage, back massage, head massage, foot massage- whatever works well for you.

As you’re giving a massage, you can ask them “Do you like this to be harder Orr softer?” “Do you like the smell of the body oil?”

There is no pressure or expectation for anything. Just focus on connecting. Period. Pick what works for you. If you absolutely hate touching feet, don’t give a foot massage. Focus on the areas you’re more comfortable with.

Note that you do not have to do all of the above suggestions. Just figure out what is comfortable for you. If you don’t like hugs or massages, focus on hand holding and sitting together. If you don’t like butt taps, but massages are fine, then focus on that. Just pick one or two of these tips and do them regularly.

If you are ready to take your relationship or marriage from stale and disconnected to feeling intimate and understood, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to learn more about marriage counseling. I work with couples throughout California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.