How to connect with your spouse with physical touch

Here is a simple way to connect with your spouse if their love language is physical touch.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me or exit this page, let me just say that physical touch has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex.

If your love language isn’t physical touch, you might find It hard to connect in your marriage in that way. But I’m going to simplify it for you so that your marriage can be enriched and your spouse can feel all the more connected to you. Trust me, these are skills that couples in my therapy practice use all the time.

I find during my marriage counseling sessions that the number 1 issue that spouses face is trying to love their husband or wife using their own love language, rather than speaking their spouse’s specific language.

A quick note: Everyone has a love language. And physical touch can be anyone’s love language- even kids, teens, elderly parents and of course, spouses too.

Let’s get into it.

Invite more hugging into your marriage

A great way to connect using physical touch is through hugs. Many married couples do not hug enough. When I say ‘hug,’ I mean a warm embrace- not the awkward side church hug. You know the type- you use your hands to awkwardly touch the other person's shoulders and try hard to not have any other body parts connect.

When last did you actually hold on to your spouse? When your love language is physical touch, it means that you connect with others using your body. It’s not creepy or weird. It’s natural and human.

Before you leave the house, give your spouse a nice embrace. At night time or bed time, give your spouse a hug. When there’s a celebration, give your spouse a nice, warm hug. Actually wrap your hands around them and let them wrap their arms around you. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

A hug does not have to last 10 minutes. You can hold them for as little as 5 to 10 seconds, but doing this small gesture frequently, will really boost the connection in your marriage.

Married Couples should hold hands more often

This is another one I really like. When you’re taking a walk, getting the mail down the street or going to a restaurant, use that as an opportunity to hold hands with your spouse. Even if you’re sitting on the couch together and watching TV, reach your hand across, find theirs and hold it. When you go to church, a concert or engaging in another activity, just hold your spouse’s hand. If they’re having a difficult time, or expressing a big emotion, reach out to them and hold their hand.

That sends the message that you care and you see them. It also increases the connection in your marriage. Greater connection equals greater intimacy and friendship. See how it all ties together?

Sitting together with connected bodies

When you’re sitting on the couch together, ensure that some part of your bodies are touching. You could put your arm around their shoulder, place a hand on their lap or even touch knees. Any type of physical connection is what they need to stay in tune with you. See how easy that is? Small gestures go a long way.

If physical touch isn’t your love language, it might be daunting at first, but you’re not being asked to cuddle for 30 minutes a day or have sex daily. When you add all the little physical gestures, you might spend a total of 5 to 10 minutes a day speaking your spouses love language. It really doesn't take that long. And as you practice more often, it’ll get easier.

Cuddling increases intimacy in couples

Speaking of cuddling, this is also a great way to connect using physical touch. You don’t have to wait until nighttime to cuddle. A cuddle is just an extended hug or embrace so that your spouse feels seen, heard and connected.

If you’re thinking, “This is really hard,” tell yourself “This isn’t hard. It feels different, but it’s a way to deepen connection in my marriage.” Your spouse hopefully connects with you using your love language, so this is your way of showing them that you care.

Butt tap

This one is all about play, because I’m all for married couples being playful with each other- not every time so serious.

When your spouse is walking in front of you, you could reach out and tap them on the butt. It’s all in good fun. However, if they do not like it, then do not do it. Same thing with hand holding or any of the other physical touch gestures. Only touch your spouse in a way that creates comfort and safety- which is why communication is important in your marriage. Respect and consent are a great part of marriage or coupledom.

A light touch creates joy

A light touch when you’re speaking is also an underutilized form of physical connection in marriage. Sometimes when you’re in mid sentence, you can touch them lightly on the shoulder, on their lap or even on the arm. They need to feel you to feel connected.

Massages

Massages do not have to be sexual- although they could be if you both want to, but if that feels like too much pressure, then a massage can just be used as a tool for relaxation and connection. Do whatever types of massage that you both feel comfortable with. It can be a shoulder massage, back massage, head massage, foot massage- whatever works well for you.

As you’re giving a massage, you can ask them “Do you like this to be harder Orr softer?” “Do you like the smell of the body oil?”

There is no pressure or expectation for anything. Just focus on connecting. Period. Pick what works for you. If you absolutely hate touching feet, don’t give a foot massage. Focus on the areas you’re more comfortable with.

Note that you do not have to do all of the above suggestions. Just figure out what is comfortable for you. If you don’t like hugs or massages, focus on hand holding and sitting together. If you don’t like butt taps, but massages are fine, then focus on that. Just pick one or two of these tips and do them regularly.

If you are ready to take your relationship or marriage from stale and disconnected to feeling intimate and understood, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to learn more about marriage counseling. I work with couples throughout California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)

If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.

Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.

There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.

But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.

It starts with self-validation

In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.

For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.

Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.

Take stock of those you surround yourself with

On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?

Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.

Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.

Do a little social media/friend purge:

The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?

Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.

Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.

Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.

Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.

The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!

As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.

If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.

Tips to Manage fear and anxiety during COVID-19

This year has definitely been a strange one. We started it celebrating the start of a new decade. I’m sure you had lots of hopes and dreams, vacation plans and all sorts of great goals. But then COVID-19 swooped in and attempted to take over our entire lives. We are currently in month 2 of social distancing. While that could sound bleak, it’s important to note that there is a lot of hope.

 For many, there has been quite a lot of anxiety and fear. After all, we aren’t used to staying away from our loved ones, wearing face masks and being in the middle of a global pandemic. If you are currently experiencing fear or anxiety, here are some tips to help you manage it.

Limit exposure to news and social media

The news is all around us, letting us know death counts, infection rates and giving us a minute by minute update. For some people, that information is helpful. But if you are already experiencing anxiety, a minute by minute update might not be what you need.

To help with this, watch the news in small doses. You don’t have to be glued to the TV 24/7. Just watch enough to be informed. Some people skip the news altogether. Do what works for you. But if you want to watch TV while skipping the news, you can watch a comedy show, a game show, an educational piece or even a cartoon. There are quite a lot of options out there.

Focus on what you can control

Social distancing is difficult. Let’s face it. We are not used to putting up such strong barriers to protect others from us or vice versa. Life used to be easy. We could just get into our cars and drive wherever we wanted, without even thinking about it. But lately we have to keep a physical distance from others and disinfect everything. While you might not have the answers to curing COVID-19, there is a lot you can control.

• You can control how often and how well you wash your hands.

• How you social distance.

• Your home environment.

• The memories you make within your home.

• How you react to this situation.

• The way you think about this situation.

• How you stay in contact with your loved ones (we might be physically distanced, but we can remain emotionally connected)

Take it day by day

When you struggle with anxiety, there is often a need to control the future. You worry about what the future holds and how you can prevent bad things from happening. Although you might not have the answers to COVID-19, take it one day at a time and focus on other things.

When you wake up in the morning, aim to make the best out of your day. Focus on getting through each day. And if getting through each day feels too long, focus on taking it minute by minute. Take care of your physical needs by scheduling sleep, adhering to a bedtime and wake up time and surround yourself with things you love. You can channel your energy into maintaining your space, work, crafts, connecting with loved ones and diving into your artistic side.

Protect your Kids

If you are a parent of young kids, it’s important to be mindful of what you say and watch around them. Kids don’t quite understand what they see and hear on TV. Watching death counts can be quite alarming to some kids. Ensure that you mix up your conversation. Although we might be in a pandemic, there are other topics to talk about. 

Engage with your kids like you used to before COVID-19. You can play with them, go on walks, have them help you around the house, and just be the loving parent that you are. Ensure that there is some semblance of structure to help them feel safe and secure. Kids will not remember all the fine details regarding the pandemic, but they’ll remember how they felt when they were in lockdown with you. 

Take care of yourself using positive coping

I always teach my clients the importance of having multiple coping skills in your tool box. Some coping skills that could help you manage anxiety during COVID-19 are deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness exercises, prayer, positive affirmations, deep breathing and body scans. And if you like apps, Calm is my very favorite. You can use it to guide you with some of these skills. Here are some additional amazing tips about healthy habits you can practice without even leaving your home.

Maintain close bonds with your loved ones

I’m so glad that we are living in a technology age. Can you imagine if we were social distancing without phones or the internet? Although you might not be able to see some of your loved ones, you can call, text and video chat. Use your imagination and make it fun. 

• You can watch movies together

• Have a game night

• Tea time

• Family cooking competition

• Bible study

• Prayer night

• Virtual workout sessions

Use your imagination and have fun with it!

There you have it. Some simple ways to manage your anxiety and fear during the pandemic. And if you are a woman who is struggling with anxiety or insomnia, I’m currently seeing clients from all over California virtually. Call me on 951-905-3181 to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can make anxiety and fear a thing of the past. You can also email me here.

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