What to do when people call you “Weird.”

One of the biggest struggles that highly sensitive people experience is that their emotions are constantly being invalidated by loved ones and close relatives. It appears that they are misunderstood at every turn. When you're highly sensitive, it is very difficult to actually show up as your true self – especially if that true self is seen as unacceptable or strange to the people around you.

So highly sensitive people often learn how to mask who they are. They are one person when they are alone, and when they leave their houses and show up in public spaces, they become someone else. Now because high sensitivity comes with deep emotional processing, the process of noticing subtle details in the world, while trying to regulate your emotions, while trying to hide said emotions, can lead to a heap of overwhelm.

And sometimes, it starts at a young age. The kids in the school yard notice that you are a little bit different. Or maybe because you have such a keen sense of observation, you notice that you are different than the people around you. Then someone says something to you. The word ‘Weird’ is thrown around. You then go on a journey to prove to others that you are not indeed weird.

You study the world around you so that you can ‘Adapt’ and ‘Assimilate.’ It seems to work, but as you get older, there is an incongruence. Your heart wants you to be one way, while your head tells you to be someone different. You learn how to excuse yourself before tears stream down your face. Because you know crying in public is forbidden. You learn to ignore rude comments that people make about your sensitivity. But it takes a toll.

Do you know that your life does not have to be that way? It’s possible to enjoy your sensitivity and stand up for yourself when people talk down to you.

Here are some suggestions:

1) Reframe what ‘weird’ means

People tend to be afraid of what they do not understand. And when they are not afraid of what they do not understand, they tend to dismiss what they do not understand.

Remember that highly sensitive people only make up about 20 to 30% of the population, so the other 70 to 80% of the population probably have no idea why you react the way that you do. They have no idea how deep your feelings are and how strong your empathy is. Whenever somebody calls you weird, remind yourself that you are not indeed weird, you are just unique- an outlier. Outliers are misunderstood.

2) Sit with your feelings

Even if you have spent most of your life being ignored on invalidated, it is important to start to validate your own feelings. It is OK to allow yourself to be sad or angry or frustrated. Many highly sensitive people have had to push down their feelings to make other people more comfortable. But it is time to allow yourself to begin to feel a myriad of feelings aside from just joy.

3) stand up for yourself

A big part of healing as a highly sensitive adult is learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. And when I say stand up for yourself, I do not mean being rude or yelling at other people. They are great ways to set boundaries without actually raising your voice or going out of your natural character. For example, if somebody calls you "weird." It is perfectly OK for you to say "I find that statement insulting.” Even if they do not apologize or feel remorse for hurting your feelings, it is still important to stand up for yourself.

There you have it. Three ways to begin to address others when they call you weird. If you're a highly sensitive woman who is tired of putting your needs on the back burner and you're ready to learn more about your sensitivity, get rid of overwhelm and finally learn how to stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call with me.

I’m a Black therapist in Houston who helps women like you finally learn how to get your needs met without compromising who you are.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

The Top 5 Truths About Working with a Black Therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area

The Murrieta/Temecula area is a great place to live. It’s a family friendly neighborhood with lots of upwardly mobile professionals. It’s also a great place to raise kids. The beauty of living in Riverside County is that we are close enough to San Diego County, Orange County and Los Angeles County- we get the best of 4 worlds.

When it comes to seeing a therapist, it’s important to meet with someone who really sees you and gets you. It can be tough when majority of your session time is spent explaining yourself, code switching, and trying to force a fit that isn’t there.

We know that representation matters, and for many Black women and women of color, they typically tell me that it is important that their therapist is culturally sound, sensitive and in the know. And sometimes that means working with a Black therapist or a therapist of color.

If you’ve ever felt guilty about wanting to work with a Black therapist- Don’t. The single most important factor in choosing a solid therapist is the relationship between you and your therapist. So go with whomever works best for you.

If you’ve been thinking about getting signed up for therapy, here are 4 truths about working with a Black or African American therapist:

A Black therapist is always ready to give you a kick in the butt

Let’s just dive in to this one shall we?

As Black people, we are known for telling it like it is. Sometimes when you work with a Black therapist, she expects that you be willing to peel back the layers, be honest and open. Black therapists often like to hold you accountable. If you say you want to get something done in therapy, we are typically not afraid to call you out when you don’t get it done.

I personally believe that therapy should work. Therapy isn’t social hour. It’s not the place to laugh it up and socialize- although there might be some laughter involved in therapy. Therapy is supposed to help you accomplish goals, feel better and improve your relationship with yourself and others.

I know that before you call me, you have spent quite a bit of time researching, listening to podcasts, reading books and trying to utilize every possible tool you have available. So when you come in to work with me, I assume that you’re ready to roll those sleeves up and Get. To. Work.

It’s my job to give you support, but when you need a swift kick in the butt, I’m here to give you just that.

You don’t need to explain much to a Black therapist. She just gets it

One of the major complaints I hear from clients when they’ve been working with a therapist who is not a great fit for them, is that therapy felt like they were spending all their time explaining every little detail of their lives to the therapist. They had to explain details about their hair and culture, they had to explain what a micro aggression is, they had to explain colorism, they had to code switch. They also had to worry about coming across like the angry, Black, woman. Some said they felt a need to come across as strong.

When you’re working with a Black therapist, we know how to read between the lines. We typically don’t try to convince you that a micro aggression is not a micro aggression. We don’t try to convince you that your feelings are all in your head. And we certainly will not be asking you 987 questions about your hair, jewelry, head wrap or personal style.

Because we have had some similar experiences as you, we are able to empathize with you. We understand the subtle nuances and what they mean. We get the inflection in your voice, the discomfort you feel around certain people, the struggle of feeling like you’re too much, too Black, too educated, too successful, or that some people think you single handedly are responsible for the thoughts and opinions of every Black person.

Now does that mean every single Black therapist will be a great fit for you? Nope! I highly suggest that you request a consultation and look through the therapist’s website before you decide if she’s a great fit for you. Here’s a link to a blog post I wrote about questions to ask before picking a Black therapist.

The level of comfort is refreshing

Making the decision to begin therapy is difficult. I mean therapy is essentially you filleting open your life to a stranger and hoping that they will provide you with the support and safety you need to resolve the issues that brought into therapy in the first place.

It’s no joke. And it could be uncomfortable.

As a Black therapist, I do not take my position lightly. I know the level of vulnerability it takes to open up to a stranger (I’m not a stranger to therapy myself. Yup! I practice what I preach). I also understand the layers of systemic racism, environmental struggle, family dynamics, toxic work environments, on top of your own personal emotional struggles. When I work with my clients, I see them as people first, but I certainly do not brush issues of race, gender, socio economic status and politics aside.

When you sit across a Black therapist, many of us understand that there are so many layers lurking beneath the surface. We understand that your life is complex and we do not lump you into stereotypes and misconceptions about Black people or other people of color.

That level of acceptance is refreshing. Most people spend a huge portion of their lives trying to find that level of acceptance. You get to truly experience that when you work with a Black therapist.

Your Black therapist is not your friend

This is the part where I break your heart. As your therapist, I am absolutely not your friend. Now, I know when you work with a great therapist, it feels like a sisterhood. It feels so warm and fuzzy because you’re able to laugh, cry, get mad, and talk about issues you’ve never been able to talk to anyone else about.

You feel seen for the first time. You get lots of feedback about why you are the way you are. You are able to change your thought patterns, let go of your toxic past, repair relationships and regain a new sense of who you are. But even though your therapist can be your greatest cheerleader, she is not your friend.

A friend has a hard time seeing your patterns and telling you how it is. A friend is typically not trained in human behavior and patterns. A friend also will probably not call you out in a way that is both gentle and effective. If your therapist were your friend (which is unethical by the way), the emotional connection will get in the way of the logic and years of training we use to steer you in the right direction and guide you towards your goals.

I hope this is helpful in peeling back the layers about therapy. There is such a huge stigma about going to therapy in communities of color. It is my hope that we are able to chip away at the stigma so that we can create generational healing.

If you are a high achieving woman of color in California who is ready to break free from your toxic past, stop the people pleasing, let go of anxiety and get comfortable with visibility, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. I also help couples get their spark back, and women with insomnia who want to simply learn how to fall asleep and stay asleep.

If you’re looking for a virtual support group for women of color, Read more about Lay Down Your Burdens: A Virtual support group for women of color here.

Want to read other related posts?

How to find a Black therapist

New to therapy: Questions to ask a Black therapist before beginning therapy

Common questions about working with a Black therapist

What to expect when working with a Black therapist

What to expect when working with a Black Therapist

You’ve been struggling for a long time. You know you need help. But finding a therapist can be a daunting task. It is even more daunting to find a Black therapist or a therapist of color. Some of your friends and family members seem to think that going to therapy is a waste of time. However, you know that you’re tired of doing it alone. You don’t want to be stuck in the same old cycle of feeling invisible, invalidated, anxious and tired. You’re willing to give therapy a try.

You might be on the fence about seeing a therapist, but here’s what you can expect when working with a Black therapist.

It’s important to note that not every Black therapist is the same- just like not every Black person is the same. We are a heterogenous group. Which is what makes us so wonderful.

Expect to be your real self when you work with a Black therapist

One of my favorite things about being a Black therapist is I get to see the real you. Many women of color often put on a persona- which is necessary for their survival and wellbeing in society. But when working with a Black therapist, you can expect to be you. Come as you are.

You don’t have to worry about how you speak, what you wear, or about being judged. We understand the immense amount of strength you have to possess just to be successful as a Black woman or a woman of color. You don’t have to bring your persona with you into session. Just do you.

I especially love it when we get to talk in slang, when we say “Mhhmmmm” or when we’re able to look at each other knowingly without speaking a word.

Expect some bluntness from your Black therapist

Here’s my therapist secret. I find that I am a lot more blunt when I work with Black women. Generally, Black people like to say it as it is. We typically are not a beat around the bush type of people.

I’m not mean, rude or judgmental, but I do call you out when I suspect that you are hiding, not living to your full potential or when you’re getting too comfortable in a toxic place. It is my way of gently guiding you towards your therapeutic goals. My job is to guide you so that you leave therapy feeling a lot better than when you started. Therapy should work.

Expect confidentiality from your Black therapist (and every therapist)

Black therapists practice according to the exact same code of ethics and laws that non-Black therapists do. So I will keep our sessions confidential- unless we are talking about mandated reporting requirements (child abuse, elder abuse and dependent adult abuse). Your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell your aunties, uncles, mama and all the other people.

Expect a serious level of comfort with your Black therapist

Often times, Black women and women of color come to me because they are looking for a therapist they can relate to and who can also relate to them. You want someone who understands what it feels like to be misjudged or discriminated against. You want someone who understands what it is like to be on the receiving end of microaggressions. You want someone who gets the subtle nuances of being Black.

When you sit in a session with a Black therapist, expect to feel as if you are home. Expect to slowly feel your burdens lifting and to be in a place of safety and comfort. It’s everything you never knew you needed until you got it.

Expect to maintain professional boundaries with your Black therapist

Working with a Black therapist isn’t the same as talking to your friends or sisters. Although you might feel a sense of connection and comfort, your therapist is not your friend. Expect to be listened to and to work on some clear goals. But do not expect your therapist to attend birthday parties, to text you back and forth all day or to friend you on social media.

Therapy with me isn’t long term. When you come to me, we outline some pretty specific goals. We check in on those goals periodically, and when those goals have been met, it’ll be time for you to graduate. I’m not a crutch or a lifelong friend. I’m simply the guide that gets you through the tunnel or that help soul you out of quick sand.

If you are every confused about where the boundary lines should be, it’s okay to ask your therapist.

Expect to not have to explain every nuance of your life to your Black therapist

The most beautiful thing abut working with a Black therapist is that sometimes she just knows. You don’t have to explain why your hair was short last week and is now long. You don’t have to explain why you felt uncomfortable when you were singled out at that conference. You also don’t have to explain why you feel nervous driving and shopping in certain parts of town. She just knows.

Now does that mean you will never have to clarify anything or that your therapist is a mind reader? Nope. It just means that a therapist who understands the intersection of race in an American society is already well versed in a lot of your experiences.

That being said, not all Black therapists are of the same ethnicity. Some Black therapists are African, some are South American, some are European, some are Australian, some are Asian. Never assume your Black therapist grew up in your same neighborhood under similar circumstances. We don’t want to stereotype.

If you are ready to work with a Black female therapist who can help you get unstuck and can finally work on reducing anxiety, insomnia or repairing your relationship, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.

Want to read other related blog posts?

How to find a Black therapist

New to therapy: Questions to ask a Black therapist before beginning therapy

Common questions about working with a Black therapist

Common questions about working with a Black or African American Therapist

A new year is upon us. With that comes new hope for a brighter future. 2020 was HARD- we had to dig deep to be able to survive it. Let’s make 2021 the year that you actually thrive. Remember that therapy can be an important tool in unlocking your emotional strength and learning tools to help you grow.

And now that we are in a new year, you might have come to the realization that you want to start therapy. Yay! Being in therapy isn’t a sign that you are broken- it’s actually a sign that you’re ready to heal, put the past behind you and begin to thrive.

When I talk to Black women and other women of color about mental health, they typically tell me that it’s important that they pick either a therapist who has similar religious beliefs as they do, a Black therapist or a therapist of color.

But because there is often a veil of secrecy and stigma wrapped around therapy, I’m here to answer your questions about working with a Black therapist. Here are some common questions about working with a Black or African American therapist.

Am I allowed to talk about issues of race, prejudice and color with a Black therapist?

When you are in therapy, it’s your time. You should get to talk about and work on whatever goals you have decided upon. If you want to bring issues of social justice, race, color and prejudice into the room, ensure that you pick a Black therapist who is comfortable with these issues. Do not automatically assume that every Black therapist is comfortable and well versed with these issues.

During your consultation call (if you have one), put it out on the table. Let the therapist know what issues are important to you, and specifically ask the therapist if he/she is comfortable with that. This is not the time to be coy. Clarity is always welcome.

Can a non-Black person work with a Black therapist?

The answer is typically “Yes,” however I can’t speak for every Black therapist out there. I’ve personally worked with women of different ethnicities, nationalities and backgrounds. Every year, hundreds and thousands of Black clients work with non-Black therapists, so I assume that every year, there are many non-Black clients who are working with non-Black therapists too.

If you are not Black, but you want to work with a Black therapist, just address the elephant in the room (if you think there is one) and ask them if they are fine working with you.

My approach is to be super open and honest. I don’t do elephants in rooms! I’m a straight up kinda therapist.

What is the therapist’s experience working with clients of my same background, color or ethnicity?

This is another important conversation to have during the phone consultation- and maybe even during the first session as well. Culture is so important- you can’t separate yourself from your culture, your beliefs and your upbringing- they shape you into who you are. It’s super duper important that the therapist you choose is able to understand your culture, is open minded and respectful of your way of life.

Now, depending on your ethnicity, you might not be able to find a therapist of the same ethnicity, however it’s important that the therapist you choose is curious and non judgmental. There’s no point working with a therapist who will make it sound like your culture is some type of illness. It can also feel extremely frustrating if you have to spend the entire time in therapy explaining why you do things a certain way, or defending your culture.

Will a Black therapist tell everyone my business?

This is usually a big concern in Black and Brown communities. A lot of us were raised to keep our dirty laundry indoors. We do not tell the whole world and their mama all our business- and that’s a fact. The great thing about therapy is that it’s actually confidential.

That being said, in the state of California, ALL therapists are mandated reporters- that means we have to report child abuse, elder abuse and dependent adult abuse. We could also potentially report if you are a danger to yourself, others or the property of others.

But as long as we are not talking about safety issues, your business stays between you and your Black therapist. So go ahead and tell them your business- it won’t be aired in these streets.

Do I have to be crazy to start therapy?

Many people believe that therapy is for crazy people. I personally loathe that word, but let me reassure you. You do not have to be crazy to go to therapy. You also do not have to be really ill, suicidal, severely depressed, self harming or on the verge of a breakdown.

You could go to therapy to address a breakup, your kids moving out of the home, process a new job, a relocation, your sadness, insomnia, anxiety, eating disorder, marital problems, process the pandemic- and the list goes on and on.

What’s your specialty?

It is important that the therapist you pick should have the necessary education, training and experience to help you with whatever struggles you are coming to them for. It typically isn’t enough that the therapist is Black.

So while you’re on your consultation call, ask the therapist what areas they typically specialize in.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I have the ability to treat a really wide range of mental health issues, however I specialize in women with anxiety, women with insomnia, as well as couples therapy. I refer everyone else out as I like to focus on my strengths and ensure that every client gets an amazing result when working with me.

Can I be myself around a Black therapist?

As a Black therapist, yes you can absolutely be yourself around me. I am a far cry from the therapists that are portrayed on TV- you know the type- pants suit wearing, cold, aloof, head nodding, asking you “How does that make you feel?” every 5 - 10 seconds.

In my therapy sessions, there is laughter, sometimes tears, head wraps show up, eye rolls happen on occasion, and I’m not above the occasional shady comment. My clients can talk about their faith, we sometimes bring in scripture, we discuss pop culture and I create a space where you can find your authentic self and truly embrace it.

Let’s face it. You spend so much of your time trying to survive in rooms that weren't built for people like you, you go to work with people who don’t look like you and who might not get you, so in my therapy sessions, I ensure that you feel as if the room was built just for you.

Your job is to come as you are and get that healing.

Please note that the above is not an exhaustive list, but if you are a woman of color seeking a Black therapist in California, who can help you move beyond always feeling anxious and hiding, to finally being able to use your voice, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Let’s make 2021 your year.

Want to read other related blog posts?

How to find a Black therapist

New to therapy?: Questions to ask a Black therapist before beginning therapy

A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)

If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.

Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.

There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.

But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.

It starts with self-validation

In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.

For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.

Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.

Take stock of those you surround yourself with

On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?

Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.

Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.

Do a little social media/friend purge:

The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?

Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.

Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.

Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.

Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.

The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!

As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.

If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.

Could gratitude help your anxiety?

One of my favorite sayings is "When you focus on the past, you get depressed. When you focus on the future, you feel anxious. But when you focus on the present, you will be okay." And it really is true. If you have anxiety, you probably spend a good amount of time thinking about the things that could go wrong with your day or worrying about how you are going to handle different situations. In some cases, the worry becomes so awful that it weighs you down and your thoughts just don't stop. Anxiety could also trigger muscle aches and tightness in your neck, shoulders and back. Some people worry so much that they end up with ulcers.

But what if I told you that focusing on the things you're grateful for could probably reduce your anxiety a little bit? You see, when your mind is filled with worry, it can quickly spiral into anxiety, and full blown anxiety can be tough to kick.

The first step is to get yourself a little notebook. Just something light that you can keep by your bed side or carry around with you. Some people like notebooks with encouraging quotes on them or pictures of peaceful scenes. Those are fine too. Each day, when you wake up, think about one thing that you are grateful for. It can be as simple as the trees in your yard, clean, running water, or the yummy sandwich you ate for dinner the night before. I'm sure you're thinking "This sounds too easy." Well it's not super easy if you're used to worrying about everything that could go wrong and beating yourself up for the things you messed up on. But gratitude is truly a practice that gets easier with time. I call it a practice because it takes works. Naturally, most of us would rather focus on the bad-like a glass half empty kind of situation. But make yourself think up something different each day.

Does this mean that you should never think about the things that are going wrong in your life? No. But honestly how many problems have you fixed by thinking about them 100 times a day? What you should focus on is what you can do in the moment to make the problem better, rather than just reminding yourself that you have a problem. The truth is that majority of the fears you have will never come true. So don't bother spending all of your energy wondering if something bad will happen to you. 

Use your energy wisely. Use it for gratitude and use it to actually solve a problem. If you cannot solve the problem, then use your resources. Find someone who can either help you or introduce you to somehow who will help. Try using gratitude for 30 days and you'll see how different your life will be after a month.

And if you are a woman who still struggles with anxiety, but you just don't know how to manage it on your own, consider seeking therapy. Sometimes a trained, neutral party is who you need to get you from anxious to calm. If you are near the Temecula/Murrieta area, you can click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. We will talk about your struggles and how we can work together to get you from anxious to calm and in control. I also provide online therapy within California if you live too far away from my office or you would just rather be in the comfort of your own home when we work together.