Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
Lessons to superwoman: How to manage the fear of success
Most of us have heard of the fear of failure, but did you know that a lot of women actually have the fear of success? As a therapist in Temecula, CA, I hear about this a lot. Here's what to do if you struggle with the fear of success.
Most of us have heard of the fear of failure, but did you know that a lot of women actually have the fear of success? As a therapist in Temecula, CA, I hear about this a lot. Here's what to do if you struggle with the fear of success.
Get honest about what your true thoughts are on success
Think about some of the women around you who have been successful. What is it about them that you admire? What is it about them that you dislike? What is your mind telling you will happen if people view you continue to climb up the ladder of success?
Do you have the fear of being seen? Do you worry that being successful will take away your ‘street cred?’ Or perhaps do you worry that your friends and family will no longer be able to connect with you if you were much more successful than them? Maybe you’re worried that your spouse will feel threatened if you are successful. This is something you can process in counseling.
It is important that you get clear about some of the thoughts that come up for you, so that you are able to work through them. Get out a sheet of paper and write out about 2 to 3 thoughts that come up for you when you think about being successful.
Remind yourself how hard you have worked
People who worry about being successful are often people who are high achieving, goal oriented, and hard-working. Although at the back of your mind you know that you want your hard work to pay off, but these pesky thoughts keep coming in the way to block you.
Next the list of your thoughts about success, write down reasons why you deserve to be successful. Remind yourself of how hard you have worked, remind yourself about how brilliant that you are, remind yourself of how deserving you are to be recognized for your efforts.
Remember, being successful does not really have anything to do with being famous, being successful simply means that your efforts are fruitful. And everyone deserves to be rewarded for their efforts – including you. Luckily, counseling or therapy can help.
Get some wise mentorship
Being comfortable with success can seem almost impossible if you do not hang out with people who are way higher on the ladder of success than you are. You can start by doing a social media search. Find women who are doing exactly what it is that you want to be doing in five years.
During my counseling sessions in Murrieta, I often encourage my clients to be bold. If you feel comfortable, you can even reach out to them and let them know that you are inspired by them. When we spend time with people who are more successful than us, and we begin to see that successful people are just as human as we are, it eases some of the stress associated with the fear of success.
Continuously affirm yourself
Positive affirmations have been a longstanding top in counseling or therapy. When you struggle with the fear of being seen, or the fear of success, chances are that your mind is filled with a lot of negative thoughts such as "I do not belong here," “I will never be successful," “Being successful is scary,,” "They know a lot more than me." So as you get up every morning, write down positive affirmations to help you bring your mind to where your heart is.
Some of the affirmations could go something like this:
“I am just as smart and deserving as everyone else.” “I deserve success.” “I deserve for my hard work to be rewarded.” “I deserve a seat at the table.” “I belong in the company of successful people.” “As a successful woman, I will have a bigger reach to help people.”
Remember that you are deserving in all that you do. And also remember that the fear of success is actually quite common. I hear this problem over and over again in my counseling sessions for anxious women in the Murrieta Temecula area. So go easy on yourself.
If you are a high achieving, goal oriented woman of color who struggles with the fear of success or the fear of being seen, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that you can better manage those pesky thoughts and finally feel confident sitting at the table of success. You deserve success.
A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)
If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.
Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.
If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.
Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.
There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.
But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.
It starts with self-validation
In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.
For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.
Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.
Take stock of those you surround yourself with
On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?
Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.
Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.
Do a little social media/friend purge:
The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?
Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.
Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.
Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.
Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.
The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!
As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.
If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.
Is your family toxic?
We all know that our behavior and the way we show up in the word, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shapes us into who we are. But some grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into us the way that they should. When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.
Our behavior and the way we show up in the world, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shaped us further into who we are.
But some people grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into them the way that they should.
When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.
I call the latter, “Toxic Families.” I am aware that the word ‘toxic’ does sound incredibly harsh, but I define toxicity as a pattern of behavior that feels emotionally damaging. I don’t use the word ‘toxic’ for run of the mill family arguments or simple disagreements. The word is reserved for an ongoing damaging pattern of behavior within families.
Please note that going around and calling people toxic will probably lead to lots of arguments and animosity. I simply use the word as a framework to help you understand the effects that these people could have on you.
With that being said, here are some signs that your family might be toxic.
Unnecessary competition
Families should ideally support one another, but in a toxic dynamic, family members compete with one another all the time. There is this idea that there isn’t enough room for everyone, so members must claw their way to the top. Because of this unnecessary competition, family members often put one another down, and the focus sometimes is on achievements, rather than the value of the person.
Invalidation
In a functional dynamic, family members allow one another to have and feel all of their emotions. But in a toxic environment, family members appear to pick and choose which emotions they think are okay.
In some families, happiness is the only emotion allowed. In others, expressing anger is okay, but sadness is frowned upon. If sadness is frowned upon, then family members learn how to stuff their emotions down and pretend like they don’t feel sad. Other times, their sadness will be expressed through anger.
When a brave family member begins to discuss his or her deepest fears, worries and sadness, often times, family members will respond with “Is that why you’re crying?” or “That’s not a good reason to cry.” or “Don’t be weak.” All this does is it shuts the doors to genuine human closeness.
Playing favorites
Because of the competitive nature of toxic families, there is usually only room for 1 golden child. Children learn from a young age that 1 sibling is the favorite and that they should either compete, or learn to accept being second class citizens. This often leads to jealousy and hurt among siblings. Sometimes parents will actually tell everyone that they have a favorite child. As the kids grow up, the favorite child still remains the favorite, while the other siblings harbor silent resentment or bitterness.
Lots of criticism and arguing
Family members typically enjoy criticizing one another because of the competition and lack of emotional depth between them. If you are not allowed to display deep emotions, your only choice becomes keeping things superficial. And superficial conversations typically revolve around things like money, clothing, the weather, TV shows and one’s looks. Because competition is so strong in these families, criticism becomes a way of life. They have to criticize one another so that 1 of them can successfully claw his/her way to the top.
Arguing also becomes a way of life because family members have never been taught how to listen and validate one another. When you can’t validate the experiences of others, you tend to argue in a bid to break them down or get them to think like you.
Secrets
Secrets tend to run rampant in these families. Because they are not allowed to really be vulnerable with one another, things are hidden. The problem with this is that if something really bad (like abuse) happens, it’ll get swept under the rug. The issue with secrets is that they simply perpetuate the problem. The best way to break these cycles is to discuss them and work through them. In many toxic situations, when someone discusses a difficult topic, the other family members either invalidate them or bully them into silence.
People pleasing
Because everyone wants to be the golden child, family members often try to people please. There's little room for independent thoughts and group think is the norm. If you don’t think or agree with the others, you can be criticized or sometimes, even ostracized. And since no one wants to suffer these consequences, it’s a lot easier to just conform.
These are some of the dynamics that occur in toxic families. The great thing is you do not have to perpetuate the same patterns you were raised in. Once you have an awareness about toxicity, make it a point to do things differently.
Validate people’s emotions.
Create a loving environment for your family.
Treat people equally.
Work through some of the issues in therapy.
If you realize that you have been raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to finally let go of people pleasing, anxiety and find your voice, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. I’m a Black counselor in California who offers online therapy in California for women and couples.
You can break the cycle.
5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear
Can a therapist in Murrieta, CA help you?
You've felt lost and confused for years. Even though you put on a brave face for the people around you, your life feels miserable. You've lost your voice and you're not sure how to find it again. You pour all the energy you have into your family, but at the end of the night, you feel like you're left with nothing.
A therapist in Murrieta or Counselor in Temecula can help.
The first step is to find a therapist you trust. Finding a therapist is very much like learning to ride a bike. Finding a new therapist can be scary- whether they are a therapist in Temecula, a therapist in San Diego, a therapist in Riverside, or it’s counseling in Los Angeles.
Don't be afraid to ask the therapist a million questions. "Do you take my insurance?" "How many years have you practiced for?" "What's your specialty?" "Tell me how you work." "What's your cancellation policy?""Can you help me with my goal?" "How long will our sessions be?" Read my blog post on what to ask a therapist on a consultation call.
A therapist will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings and get you to your goal. I always encourage people - when they see me for counseling in Murrieta-to have a specific goal when they start therapy. This goal will ensure that both you and the therapist are clear on what exactly you're trying to accomplish. That way you can decide if you are on the right track and you can measure your progress.
Therapy can be uncomfortable as you might end up remembering painful memories or uncomfortable feelings, however, your feelings are safe with a psychotherapist (a fancy name for mental health therapist). Sometimes it takes some discomfort to get you to your desired place. Also realize that during your first few sessions, you're only trying to see if you're a good fit with this therapist. Don't be afraid to let the therapist know if something isn't working for you-openness leads to great results. Also don't feel bad if you don't click with the therapist. Keep searching until you find your person.
If you are seeking a counselor in California, I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, who offers virtual therapy for women of color with anxiety or insomnia, and marriage counseling for those in Murrieta, CA and throughout California, click here for a free 15-minute consultation call.
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?