Vulnerability and Strength: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

Why Vulnerability is a Strength in Christian Marriages

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, even though you feel emotions deeply and you are quite empathetic to the experiences of others, you hide your vulnerability because you feel like it is a weakness. Perhaps you've tried to be vulnerable with people that you love in the past, and it has backfired on you- which then causes you to hold back on the vulnerability in your marriage. However, it is important to note that vulnerability fosters deeper emotional intimacy and trust in a marriage. Think of it as peeling back the layers of an onion. You can only get to see the center the more layers that you peel.

Your husband can only truly know the real you if you are vulnerable and allow him to see the deeper layers. The more layers you peel, sometimes it actually becomes a reciprocal exchange. He also starts to peel back his layers. He learns that vulnerability creates closeness and trust. And the deeper the trust in your marriage, the more comfortable and intimate your marriage can be.

If we think about marriage within a Christian context, we are supposed to submit one to another. It is very difficult to submit to someone you barely know. Remember that vulnerability does not mean weakness. If you and your husband generally love each other the way Christ loved the church, and if there is mutual respect in the relationship, then vulnerability will not come at a bad cost. Vulnerability will be held with respect, compassion and understanding. It is not something weak to take advantage of, however it is a way of showing strength by allowing somebody else to see the real you.

Building Emotional Trust with Your Partner as a Sensitive Woman

So now that we understand the importance of vulnerability in building trust and emotional intimacy, how exactly do you establish trust with your partner as highly sensitive woman? Start with the small things. Think about how you like to express affection and appreciation for your partner. Do you like words of affirmation, are you a gift giver, do you like to serve your partner in small ways, or are you a physical touch person? Allowing yourself to express love in your own way is also a form of vulnerability. And when your partner is able to receive love from you, it continues to build the emotional trust that you both share. The goal is for these expressions of love to become mutual.

Remember to be consistent. When I facitiliate couples therapy in Houston or marriage retreats in Houston with Christian married couples, I use The Gottman Method. One of my favorite things to teach them is rituals of connection. These are small things that healthy couples do each day to establish and maintain connection in their marriage. It could be something as simple as waving to your partner in the driveway as he drives off each day or giving each other a kiss goodbye before you leave for work. What do you do during meal times? Do you sit together and talk about your day? Or are you glued to your phones? How do you handle stress as a married couple? Do you work together as a team to manage stress or do you feel like you are on your own?

When you do consistent rituals each day they not only give you a sense of safety in the relationship, but it fuels trust with your partner is a highly sensitive person. Another aspect of vulnerability is to share the ups and the downs of life. Do you both celebrate each other when great things happen or do you keep it to yourself? And what happens when disappointments happen? How do you show each other that you are there for one another? All of this is a part of vulnerability.

When you are able to do small acts of emotional intimacy, it opens the door for greater vulnerability. It’s the idea of, my spouse shows me in little ways that I can peel my layers off without shame, so I am now more comfortable to peel off more layers and go deeper.

Embracing Your Sensitivity Without Feeling Weak

Being a highly sensitive person is actually a powerful asset in relationships. Because when your spouse walks through the door, you are so attuned to his or her body language that you immediately know that something bad happened that day. Or when you're talking on the phone with your spouse, you can instantly tell that his or her tone is off. Because you notice the small nuances, you're able to key into the events of the day and show him or her that you're there for emotional support.

Highly sensitive people can sometimes almost feel like they can experience the emotions of others, so that they can feel sad when their spouse is also feeling sad. Sometimes they now what their spouse is feeling before their spouse actual yknwos what’s going on. I'm not talking about codependency. I'm just talking about a deep sense of empathy. When you're able to show empathy and connect with your spouse on a deeper level, it helps them to continue to peel their layers so you can experience them on a much deeper level.

So whenever you think of your high sensitivity as a weakness or a bad thing, remember that your deep sense of empathy is actually what helps to build a deeper connection with your spouse. Connection, vulnerability and emotional intimacy are all interwoven in healthy marriages.

Encouraging Vulnerability in Your Partner to Deepen Your Bond

If your spouse is not highly sensitive, and if he was raised in an environment in which sharing of emotions and thoughts was discouraged, you might find it odd to discuss deep things with you. But remind him that opening up emotionally is actually healthy for the marriage. The more he's able to open up, the more you're able to know him and actually support him emotionally. That way he does not feel isolated or like he has to bear life's burdens alone. But please do not apply too much pressure. If it has taken him multiple decades to become closed off, he is not going to change overnight.

Maybe just start with something as small as creating rituals of connection or talking about how your day was at the end of each night. Start by talking about the highs and lows of the day as well as one way each person can support the other in the upcoming week. Remember to use tools such as patience, empathy and being an active listener. An active listener is somebody who listens to better understand, rather than trying to get their own way. Over time, as your spouse sees that you are listening to truly understand him and that there's no judgment coming his way, he is able to establish a sense of safety and he hopefully will open up more as time goes on.

Vulnerability is also a two way street. If you expect your spouse to open up to you, it is important that you abide by the same rules. Start with something small. Before you have a vulnerable conversation with your spouse, let him know exactly what reaction you want to see. Do you want a hug, are you just venting and want to get it off your chest? Or do you want his input to brainstorm options? Let him know what it is that you seek so that you don't feel disappointed at the end of the conversation. Even if your marriage has not felt vulnerable up to this point, vulnerability is the only way to create an emotionally intimate marriage.

How Therapy Can Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Christian Marriages

One of my favorite parts of my job as marriage therapist in Houston for Christian couples is showing couples how to develop emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I teach very simple and actionable communication skills that help you learn how to listen deeply, and actually understand all the things that your spouse is not saying. You will learn to read between the lines in a positive way and to begin to see your spouse as human- as opposed to being your enemy or a target. I also teach you how to appropriately manage conflict when it shows up. Note that majority of the conflicts that show up in your marriage are actually not solvable- they are just manageable. During our process of couples therapy in Houston, you learn to know when to try to solve an issue versus when to actually stop at a compromise that you both can live with. And ultimately we will build your friendship to create a much stronger emotional connection, which can help to rebuild trust that has been broken.

If you and your spouse have been struggling to understand each other, if the same old conflict keeps coming up over and over again, perhaps it’s time for virtual marriage counseling in Houston. Discover how vulnerability can strengthen your marriage. Reach out to me- a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling tailored to the unique needs of highly sensitive women. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston. I also provide marriage counseling to couples throughout California.

And if you want to dive in even deeper in your marriage, and you do not want to wait for weekly sessions, consider my virtual couples therapy retreat. Click here for more information.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.