Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
What to do when people call you “Weird.”
One of the biggest struggles that highly sensitive people experience is that their emotions are constantly being invalidated by loved ones and close relatives. It appears that they are misunderstood at every turn. When you're highly sensitive, it is very difficult to actually show up as your true self – especially if that true self is seen as unacceptable or strange to the people around you.
One of the biggest struggles that highly sensitive people experience is that their emotions are constantly being invalidated by loved ones and close relatives. It appears that they are misunderstood at every turn. When you're highly sensitive, it is very difficult to actually show up as your true self – especially if that true self is seen as unacceptable or strange to the people around you.
So highly sensitive people often learn how to mask who they are. They are one person when they are alone, and when they leave their houses and show up in public spaces, they become someone else. Now because high sensitivity comes with deep emotional processing, the process of noticing subtle details in the world, while trying to regulate your emotions, while trying to hide said emotions, can lead to a heap of overwhelm.
And sometimes, it starts at a young age. The kids in the school yard notice that you are a little bit different. Or maybe because you have such a keen sense of observation, you notice that you are different than the people around you. Then someone says something to you. The word ‘Weird’ is thrown around. You then go on a journey to prove to others that you are not indeed weird.
You study the world around you so that you can ‘Adapt’ and ‘Assimilate.’ It seems to work, but as you get older, there is an incongruence. Your heart wants you to be one way, while your head tells you to be someone different. You learn how to excuse yourself before tears stream down your face. Because you know crying in public is forbidden. You learn to ignore rude comments that people make about your sensitivity. But it takes a toll.
Do you know that your life does not have to be that way? It’s possible to enjoy your sensitivity and stand up for yourself when people talk down to you.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Reframe what ‘weird’ means
People tend to be afraid of what they do not understand. And when they are not afraid of what they do not understand, they tend to dismiss what they do not understand.
Remember that highly sensitive people only make up about 20 to 30% of the population, so the other 70 to 80% of the population probably have no idea why you react the way that you do. They have no idea how deep your feelings are and how strong your empathy is. Whenever somebody calls you weird, remind yourself that you are not indeed weird, you are just unique- an outlier. Outliers are misunderstood.
2) Sit with your feelings
Even if you have spent most of your life being ignored on invalidated, it is important to start to validate your own feelings. It is OK to allow yourself to be sad or angry or frustrated. Many highly sensitive people have had to push down their feelings to make other people more comfortable. But it is time to allow yourself to begin to feel a myriad of feelings aside from just joy.
3) stand up for yourself
A big part of healing as a highly sensitive adult is learning how to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. And when I say stand up for yourself, I do not mean being rude or yelling at other people. They are great ways to set boundaries without actually raising your voice or going out of your natural character. For example, if somebody calls you "weird." It is perfectly OK for you to say "I find that statement insulting.” Even if they do not apologize or feel remorse for hurting your feelings, it is still important to stand up for yourself.
There you have it. Three ways to begin to address others when they call you weird. If you're a highly sensitive woman who is tired of putting your needs on the back burner and you're ready to learn more about your sensitivity, get rid of overwhelm and finally learn how to stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call with me.
I’m a Black therapist in Houston who helps women like you finally learn how to get your needs met without compromising who you are.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
A simple 4-step soothing nighttime routine for highly sensitive people
Highly sensitive people are especially prone to feeling stressed out, cranky or overwhelmed when they do not get enough sleep (I know this all too well). It might take you longer to settle in at night, and you might notice that you need more sleep that your adult counterparts.
So if you notice that you need more than 8 hours of sleep- know that it’s totally normal. Here are some things you can do to set you up for a great night of uninterrupted sleep.
Highly sensitive people are especially prone to feeling stressed out, cranky or overwhelmed when they do not get enough sleep (I know this all too well). It might take you longer to settle in at night, and you might notice that you need more sleep that your adult counterparts.
So if you notice that you need more than 8 hours of sleep- know that it’s totally normal. Here are some things you can do to set you up for a great night of uninterrupted sleep.
1) Take some time to unwind after your work day
One of the struggles that highly sensitive people often face is that there is difficulty transitioning from one activity to the other. For example, it might be hard for you to settle down when you come home from work. I don’t suggest you just plop into your bed and expect your body to shut down.
Rather, carve out 10 to 30 minutes engaging in an activity that can take your mind off all the stressful activities of the day. This can look like eating a yummy meal, engaging on the phone with a funny friend, listening to some music and dancing as you go along, a podcast, prayer, changing out of your clothes, etc. You might have to try a few activities to figure out what will work for you. And if you don’t like baths (‘cos the internet seems to love bubble baths), you don’t ever have to take one.
P.S: If you are a parent to a little one, you might not have the luxury of carving out 30 minutes. Just do what you can. It gets easier. I promise!
2) Reflect on your day
Had a bad day? Well don’t just pull the covers over your head and expect your brain to forget. Many people spend about an hour tossing and turning in bed because they have not adequately processed the emotions that came up during the day.
It sometimes feels like your heart is pounding out of your chest as you think over the stressors of your day. Sit in a quiet place and allow yourself to do what feels natural- talk it through with someone if that helps. Some people like to pray about it. Others journal, still others talk to themselves about it.
Don’t sleep on talking to yourself. It sounds funny, but feels good.
3) Spend 5 minutes tidying up your bedroom
I often say that your bedroom is your sanctuary. It’s the place your tired mind and body get to spend a huge amount of time. It’s the place where cellular turnover happens. It should be a place of peace, calm and joy.
Highly sensitive people can easily get overstimulated with clutter. But the irony is that we can quickly create clutter when we are in a busy season or going through a lot.
But if you spend 5 minutes at the end of each day tidying up, you’ll save yourself some headache. Try this practice and watch your life change
P.S: I’m also an insomnia expert, so here’s a link to my previous blog posts on everything sleep.
4) Get rid of distractions
Before going into the bed, think of anything that could possibly wake you up from sleep (aside from little ones) and figure out how to silence those things for the next 8-10 hours.
This can include social media notifications, text notifications, television, your laptop, annoyingly bright lights, itchy sheets, labels in your pajamas, uncomfortable room temperature, etc.
The next time you lay in bed, think of things that have bothered you- then get rid of them. For example, if you notice that the sun hits you in the face every morning, consider closing the blinds before going to bed.
A soothing nighttime routine doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. It’s just something you have to be consistent with.
What is 1 thing you have to do before going to bed? I’d love to find out.
If you’re a highly sensitive woman who is looking to finally understand sensitivity, learn how to manage overwhelm and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call with me. I’d love to connect with you.
My framework for helping highly sensitive women understand sensitivity, stand up for themselves and get rid of overwhelm.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Overwhelmed? Here's how to quickly calm your highly sensitive brain
One of the biggest struggles of high sensitivity is the constant feeling of overwhelm. Because you feel so deeply and you are processing stimuli around you so much, it is quite easy to fall into the trap of constant overwhelm.
Overwhelm isn’t something we can escape altogether, because everyone has seasons in which they are pulled to absolute capacity. However, when we are in those seasons, there are ways to take a step back and regain our calm.
Here’s how:
1) Turn off as much stimulation as you can
One of the fastest ways to quiet an overwhelmed mind is to turn off as much stimulation as you can. Think of your five senses.
If the lights around you are super bright, consider dimming them or moving to a space with very low light. If there's a lot of sound around you, turn some of it off. This could be your computer, your phone, your TV, or just step away for a moment from all the noise around you.
If you're wearing multiple layers or your clothing feels itchy or uncomfortable, it might be time to change into something more comfortable if you are able to do so. Turning off the immediate stimulation helps to quiet down some of the noise so that you can move through the other steps I'm about to talk about.
2) Do a positive replay of your day
If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, it might be time to think about what went well that day. Run your mind through some of the positive aspects of the day. This is the opposite of what we typically do- we think about everything we have going on and what is going wrong. Focus on 1 positive thing.
3) Get some sleep or rest
I have always had an obsession with sleep. One of the quickest ways to reset is just to lay down and close your eyes. Even if you're not able to sleep, just give your body a chance to restart or shut off for a moment. Power naps are typically helpful if you're able to do so, or just sit somewhere quiet and close your eyes for a while. When you're doing this, try really hard not to think about everything that you have going on. Just focus on the world around you think of sights, sounds and smells. Music can help to relax the mind and body.
4) Call a friend
One of the biggest traps that introverted highly sensitive people will fall into is the trap of isolation. When you have tried to unspiral yourself and it is not successful, it is very important that you have someone safe who you can turn to. This person does not even have to be highly sensitive, they just have to be somebody who is full of empathy. You can even pick a codeword with a friend. And the friend will just fill you with positivity, and help you shift your mind in a different direction. The goal is not for them to lie to you, the goal is just to help you shift your mind so that you can take a break and then go back into calm shape.
You in turn have to be comfortable with vulnerability and asking for help.
And there you have it. 4 simple ways to nip overwhelm in the bud.
Ready to master your sensitivity so you can reduce overwhelm, stand up for yourself and set better boundaries? Click here to schedule your free 15-min consult call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
4 common triggers for high sensitivity and how to manage them
Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.
4 Common Triggers for Highly Sensitive People (and How to Tackle Them Like a Pro!)
Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make seemingly easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.
Remember that high sensitivity is not a disorder. It’s simply a part of who you are, and you can thrive once you understand it.
Not sure whether or not you are highly sensitive? Click here.
Here are 4 common triggers for highly sensitive people
1) Moving too fast
We live in a world in which things are moving faster and faster all the time. People are multitasking constantly- we even boast about getting 4 hours of sleep while juggling 3 businesses, 9 kids and a husband. As a highly sensitive woman, you might feel less than because you might not have the bandwidth to sustain such a lifestyle.
A life that moves at the speed of light can be a big trigger for highly sensitive people. Does that mean you can never become an ER physician or some other career that entails moving fast? Nope. It just means that you have to put systems in place that allow to care for yourself while in busy seasons.
This is where schedules and routines come in handy. Before rushing out in the morning, take a few minutes to get ready for the hectic day. Your cup has to be filled so that it doesn’t completely empty out.
That can look like:
Having a good breakfast (hunger is a BIG trigger for us HSPs)
Ensuring you get enough sleep at night
Starting the day off slowly in prayer or Bible study (rather than with the TV, news or emails)
Talking on the phone with an encouraging friend
Prioritizing certain tasks, rather than trying to juggle too many things at once
Learning to set good boundaries and say “No” when you are at capacity
2) Not enough alone time
Did you know that most highly sensitive people are introverts? Yup! But even if you are a highly sensitive extrovert, alone time is priceless. This is because of how highly sensitive people spend so much time deeply processing the world around them.
By the end of the day, it becomes so much that reducing stimulation is a great way to recharge.
What can that look like?
Taking a few minutes to sit in the car to breathe and reset before facing the many people who depend on you at home.
Have a ‘me time’ routine- which could look like whatever feels good to you- watching TV, reading, sewing, working out, sitting in silence (my favorite), etc. You make the rules. Try different things and see what works for you.
3) Hanging out with the wrong people
I am convinced that every highly sensitive person needs at least one healthy highly sensitive friend in their life. This does not mean that highly sensitive people are superior to non-highly sensitive people, it just means that it is sometimes nice to not have to explain yourself to others.
And it does not mean that all highly sensitive people are the same- we could still have disagreements, as not every highly sensitive person is necessarily empathetic or kind.
But when you constantly hang out with people who question your sensitivity, who speak unkindly to you, who make you feel small, or who dismiss your feelings, you will be triggered all day long.
So what do you do about this?
Take stock of the relationships you currently have.
Do they serve you well or is it just a one-way street? Do you feel happier when you are around your closest friends? Or do you have to pretend to be someone you are not? Remember that you have a voice and choice.
Do a friendship edit.
Once you have taken stock of the people around you, decide which ones are healthy, and which ones are not. You definitely will know people who are unhealthy, because they are the ones whose phone calls you dread taking. They also the ones you can be authentic with. Decide what you want to do with those relationships, do you want to continue to suffer, or are you able to speak to that person about how they hurt you? A safe friend listens and adjusts accordingly.
4) Ignoring your physical needs
Highly sensitive people tend to be more triggered by sickness, hunger and tiredness than their non sensitive colleagues. In a bid to want to ‘push through’ and ‘hustle,’ sometimes we ignore actual physical needs.
The fix?
Stop skipping meals- even if everyone seems to do so.
Take breaks when possible- again, even if others think you are ‘lazy’ or ‘low energy.’
Take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. It’s okay to seek medical attention and NOT push through.
And there you have it.
Ready to ditch the constant overwhelm, finally learn how to stand up for yourself and finally make high sensitivity your super power? Click here to schedule a consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I am a licensed therapist and coach in Houston.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
How to assertively set healthy boundaries in marriage and other relationships
The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.
Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.
The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.
Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.
It is important to note that you are in control of your own boundaries. You decide what is good for you, what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable. And it is your responsibility to communicate that to others. Boundaries are a practice. The more you practice it, the better you get at it.
Understand where your comfort zone lies
Before you are able to set boundaries, you must first know where your comfort zone is. A boundary is there to protect you and to help others understand how to treat you. The biggest struggle I hear about boundary setting is not wanting to hurt other people’s feeling. Before focusing on others, first check in with yourself and ask these questions:
What do I actually want?
How do I feel about the situation?
What outcome do I want?
Decide what to say
Once you have decided what you want from the situation, it’s time to practice what to say. Practice makes things better because as a HSP, you might not feel comfortable expressing yourself without prior practice. Here is a simple framework to help you ask for what you want:
State your feelings: “I feel [hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, ignored, disrespected].”
State why you feel that way: “Because you were staring at your phone when I was speaking to you.”
State your need: “What I need is for you to make eye contact with me when we are talking about serious issues.”
Keep Practicing
The more you practice boundaries, the better you get at it. If you falter a few times, it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get better with time.
If you are a highly sensitive woman who wants to learn how to manage big emotions, stand up for yourself and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule a free breakthrough call so you can learn how to make sensitivity your super power. Let’s see if you can benefit from a high sensitivity coach.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Long day? Here's how to vent to your spouse and get the support you need in marriage-Tips from a marriage therapist in Houston
One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.
Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.
One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.
Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.
What most couples say they do when I see them in marriage counseling in Houston is they come home from work, or they have a long day, they have all this pent up stress inside them, but they have no place to put it. They do this same dance over and over again until it creates emotional separation between them.
When you are frustrated and stressed, but do not accurately communicate that with your spouse, it ends up looking like you are rejecting your spouse. If you are worried about how to effectively communicate with your spouse when you are having a bad or stressful day, here are some easy steps for you:
1) Pick the right time
Timing is everything when it comes to communication. Ensure that neither you nor your spouse are feeling emotionally charged before you have this conversation. If you need to take a few moments to relax or unwind first, then do so.
2) Decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener
This sounds awfully formal, but it’s a lot easier than it sounds. While there is room for both of you to talk about your stress, it is a lot easier if you take turns. This will ensure that each person gets the attention and support they need.
The speaker’s job is easy. All you have to do is speak to your spouse about the stress you are going through. That’s it. In this framework, the listener does all the hard work.
3) The listener needs to stick to these simple rules
Most married people think they are great listeners, but you know what? Most people suck at listening. After you learn this framework in my Houston marriage counseling practice, you’ll realize we all have room to grow.
Here are some simple rules when it comes to listening.
Maintain eye contact and show interest. Ask questions to get more details about what your spouse is experiencing.
Ensure your partner knows that you are on his side. Do not take the side of whomever he is complaining about. This might be challenging for you, but just bite your tongue.
Remember that you are on the same team. This is not the time to correct or challenge your spouse.
Be empathetic. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to imagine how he is feeling.
4) reflect back what you are hearing
To be a good listener in marriage, it’s important that you first understand what you are hearing. An easy way to know if you have heard correctly, is to simply repeat what you’ve heard.
Yup. Repeat exactly what your spouse has said word for word.
If your spouse corrects you, take note and just repeat what you’ve heard again. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.
5) Ask your spouse what he needs
Once you have gone through this entire process, ask your spouse if he needs your advice or if he just wants to vent. This is important because often times, we skip the empathy and jump right to advice. But sometimes, your spouse isn’t looking for your advice. He just wants a listening ear.
And there you have it. A simple formula to help you vent and reduce stress with your spouse.
Is communication strained in your marriage?As a marriage therapist in Houston, I can help you and your spouse develop healthier ways to support each other. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?