Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 3)
Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.
For the past few weeks, I have been diving into exactly what high sensitivity is. If you want a complete definition of what high sensitivity is, click here for the first part of this blog. And if you are wondering whether or not you are highly sensitive, click here to take Dr Elaine Aron’s high sensitivity self test.
In my previous blog I mentioned that there are four parts to high sensitivity:
Depth of processing (To learn more about depth of processing click here)
Overarousability (To learn more about depth of processing click here)
Emotional Intensity
Sensory processing sensitivity
Today, I'll be focusing on emotional intensity.
Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.
This is one of the top struggles I see in my practice as an anxiety therapist in Houston and as a high sensitivity coach. Most highly sensitive people are embarrassed because they tend to cry a lot. People with high sensitivity often complain that they cry when they're angry, sad, upset, frustrated, or even tired. And this often elicits negative comments from the non sensitive people around them such as “Why are you such a cry baby?” Or “Why do you always have to cry?,” or “You cry too much.” This then causes the sensitive person to believe that they are “Dramatic” or “Too soft.”
How to manage emotional intensity
Turn to the arts
Highly sensitive people often do well when they have an outlet for their emotions. If you do not have supportive people around you who can listen to your struggles, or help you process your emotions, you can try processing your emotions through arts, downs, music, writing or some sort of creative outlet.
Become your own cheerleader
Chances are you were called dramatic or you felt like your emotions were not welcome when you were growing up, so as an adult it might be helpful to become your own cheerleader.
Whenever you have an experience of a big emotion, you can let yourself know that it is actually OK to have those deep emotions. Remember that every single person on earth experiences emotions. The difference between you and them is that you just experience them on a much bigger scale and you express them a bit differently.
Learn more about emotions
I know that this might sound counterintuitive. On the one hand, you feel like you have way too many emotions, but on the other hand, you might not know too much about emotions because most of your life, your emotions were made fun of, shamed, or pushed away.
One of my favorite tools for recognizing emotions is called the feelings wheel. It is a colorful wheel that has a list of many different emotions that range in depth and intensity.
When you feel some sort of emotion going on inside you, take a look at the feelings wheel and try to pinpoint what emotion it is that you are feeling. This not only empowers you, but it puts a name to the feeling, thereby reducing your feeling of shame or confusion.
And there we go. The third characteristic of high sensitivity is done. If you are a highly sensitive woman looking to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions and finally stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough session to see how we can work together.
What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 2)
Over arousal simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes. Here is how to manage over arousal as a highly sensitive person.
In my previous blog post, I discussed what high sensitivity actually is. I'll be breaking down the four characteristics of high sensitivity over the next few weeks.
In this blog series, I’ll be sharing the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity, which are:
Depth of Processing (Read more about it here)
Overarousability
Emotional Intensity
Sensory Processing Sensitivity
I already went over depth of processing in my previous blog post. Depth of processing basically means thinking very deeply before making decisions. Some people might call it over analyzing.
In this post, I'll be talking about the second characteristic of high sensitivity which is over arousability.
To be over aroused simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others, thereby causing you to feel overwhelmed in a way. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes.
As an anxiety therapist in Houston and a high sensitivity coach, this is often a complaint I get. HSPs often think something must be wrong with them- because they notice things no one else does.
The smell that is ever so slight, feels so pungent to you, but other people barely notice it. It is also possible to be under aroused when you're not picking up enough stimuli. When this happens, you tend to get bored. The struggle is sometimes people do the wrong things when they are under aroused such as drinking coffee or other stimulants, or turning the TV up too loud.
What you want is an optimal level of arousal.
Over arousal might even mean that you pick up stimuli like pain a lot easier than others- which means your pain tolerance might be lower than others’. This should be very important to discuss with your physician so that they can come up with a great treatment plan for you.
Highly sensitive people can also be easily aroused by stimuli inside their bodies, such as hunger, thirst, and tiredness. This is why it is important to eat at the appropriate times and take care of your physical body, so that it doesn't negatively affect your mood. It might be the reason why you act like a grouch when you are hungry, and other people tend to be able to stay longer periods of time without food. Do not compare yourself to other people. You are a unique human and that's just OK.
Highly sensitive people have different levels of arousal, so this means one highly sensitive person might notice all the smells, and another person might not even pick up on them at all. Or one highly sensitive person might have very sensitive hearing, while the other does not.
So how does one manage over arousability?
Take a break.
If you find yourself in a crowded room, where they are too many people around you, the volume is high, everybody is sweating, and there are lots of perfumes in the room, rather than powering through it- which is what most highly sensitive people tend to do- just take a break.
You can head over to the bathroom to breathe for a few minutes, go outside for some fresh air, or you can sit and take a look at your phone to just give you a distraction in the moment. You also do not have to stay at events for very long. Normalize popping in and popping out.
Utilize mindfulness skills.
Mindfulness simply means being present in the moment and focusing on one external sensation or internal sensation to allow your body to be calm. So while you're in that very loud, uncomfortable room, start to slow your breathing down.
Take a few deep breaths in and a few deep breaths out, and focus on the breath. If taking a deep breath is difficult for you, then just notice your breath as it is. Notice air fill your lungs and move out of it. Doing this one simple action gets your brain off the external overstimulation that you're experiencing. Click here to watch some of my mindfulness videos.
Spend some time in nature.
Highly sensitive people tend to LOVE nature. We tend to enjoy the trees, the sound of chirping birds, the feeling of the breeze on our skin, looking around and just enjoying the calm.
You do not have to wait until you are overstimulated to enjoy nature. If you live in a beautiful, serene environment, make nature walks a part of your schedule. Even something as little as sitting near a window can help. If you don’t live in a serene environment and you don’t have windows, pull up a video online and imagine yourself walking through a peaceful neighborhood.
Change your environment.
If you find yourself completely over aroused by the same people or situations over and over again, then maybe it is time to go somewhere else. If you are around the same over arousing friend who seems to not respect your boundaries- even after you have set the boundaries 1 million times- then maybe it's time to change that.
Or if you live in an especially loud part of town, and you have the ability to move to a quieter apartment, or home, take advantage of that. Your job is not to be a martyr. You are allowed to be happy.
If you have some level of control over the situation, then change the situation.
For example if you're sitting in your home and you just notice that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, turn down the simulation. You can do this by thinking about your five senses.
You can reduce the sound of the TV or turn it off, you can adjust the temperature on the thermostat, you can turn off any irritating smells or put on a calming smell.
You can also visualize something pretty. This is why it is important to surround yourself and your home or working environment with pretty things. They do not have to be expensive. They just have to be pretty to you.
Shock your nervous system.
And if you want to completely shock your nervous system, a quick trick is to splash little bit of cold water on your face or at the back of your neck. You can also drink a nice glass of cold water, or go outside into the cold for a few seconds. This will shock your nervous system and get it to reset.
Utilize positive self talk.
Positive self talk is a simple way to help you feel safe. Think about it as being your own encourager or cheerleader. It is important to remind yourself that you are actually safe. This prevents your mind from racing, will hopefully slow down your heart rate and prevent you from moving into fear, anxiety or sheer panic.
If you are truly ready to learn more about how to turn your high sensitivity into your superpower, how to manage big emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 20 minute breakthrough call so that we can work together.
What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 1)
What exactly is high sensitivity?
If you have been told “You’re too sensitive,” “You cry too much,” “You need to toughen up,” “You need to not be so upset,” “You have no reason to be upset” or “You need to grow tougher skin,” then chances are you might actually be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
What exactly is high sensitivity?
If you have been told “You’re too sensitive,” “You cry too much,” “You need to toughen up,” “You need to not be so upset,” “You have no reason to be upset” or “You need to grow tougher skin,” then chances are you might actually be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
Did you know that was even a thing?
If you find yourself experiencing feelings deeply, analyzing situations more than the average person, noticing small changes in the environment, picking up subtle textures, picking up smells no one seems to notice, or not being able to handle certain foods or chemicals, perhaps you might also be highly sensitive.
My first introduction to high sensitivity was through a friend. All my life, I had assumed I was “Too soft” and something was wrong with me. I even completed graduate school as a psychotherapist, got a professional psychotherapy license, and had still never heard about high sensitivity.
So if I, a therapist in Houston, wasn't taught about high sensitivity in graduate school, or during my therapy internship, don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of high sensitivity.
But once I discovered this new world of high sensitivity, I learned how to manage the trait appropriately, accept myself as a highly sensitive person and I now teach others to do the same (Click here to schedule a free discovery call if you’re ready to learn how to turn your sensitivity into your super power).
But I digress.
High sensitivity has been championed and studied for decades by Dr Elaine Aron. She came up with the high sensitivity self test. It’s a simple free online quiz you take from the comfort of your home. Based on your answers, you’ll find out how sensitive you actually are.
Please note that sensitivity is not a disorder, it is not something to be cured or changed. It defers distinctly from Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism. Sensitivity is also NOT a bad thing. It’s simply just a trait like having brown hair or green eyes. It’s neutral.
High sensitivity has 4 basic characteristics. It’s a simple acronym- DOES:
Depth of Processing
Overarousability
Emotional Intensity
Sensory Processing Sensitivity
Let’s start with Depth of Processing
Highly sensitive people tend to think about and analyze themselves, others and their environments very deeply. This could look like:
Spending a lot of time weighing pros and cons before making decisions- hence why it’s difficult for you to make quick decisions. It’s even hard for you to pick the best brand of peanut butter when you have 60 options at the store.
Thinking deeply about how your behavior will affect others- making you a great champion of charity causes. For example, you don’t throw trash out because you think of the consequences for the environment if everyone threw trash out of their moving cars.
You feel a strong sense of empathy for others- hence why you’ve been called “Soft.” But this empathy is why you “Feel the emotions of others strongly.” As an anxiety therapist in Houston, TX and a high sensitivity coach, this is the part that often brings clients to me.
You have a strong sense of intuition and you regret it when you ignore it.
How do you cope with depth of processing?
1) Give yourself some time before you make a decision: Making decisions is tough for highly sensitive people. This does not mean that you cannot make great decisions, it just means that it is more difficult to make decisions when you're under pressure, being watched, or in a time crunch.
So to make your life a lot easier, give yourself some time before making a decision. If somebody's trying to pressure you to do something now, simply let them know that you need some more time. It's a simple as that. Remember that you are in control and boundary setting is a great tool.
2) Do your research: Highly sensitive people want to make sure they come up with the perfect decision every time. Resist the urge to be perfect, and just go with good enough. I know this sounds difficult, but it's a nice way to get you to where you need to go. Before making a decision, spend some time weighing the pros and cons of different options. You could even write them out if that helps you. It gets the decision making process out of your brain and onto paper. When you can visualize something, it makes it a lot easier.
3) Take a break when you need it: When you find yourself feeling completely overwhelmed because you have too many options, then it might be time to take a break. Spend some time away from decision-making, and just go do some deep breathing and relaxation. Take a nap, watch a show, speak to a friend over the phone, pray on it, do whatever it is that it takes to take your mind off it. You are allowed to rest when you're about to make a decision.
That pretty much sums it up for the first part of high sensitivity. Does this sound familiar? Do you process the world deeply? Do you think you might be a highly sensitive person?
If you are ready to learn more about what high sensitivity actually is, so you can manage your BIG emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule your free breakthrough call with me.
Remember, high sensitivity is a gift. You just have to learn how to use it.
Family drama no more: How to survive family holiday events without stress or drama
The holidays are upon us. If you happen to be blessed with amazing family dynamics, then you’re probably looking forward to sitting down to a good meal with your loved ones. But if you are like millions of people out there, you cringe at the thought of yet another family gathering. Because your family is known for shade, side eyes, underhanded comments, and a general feeling of thick tension in the air.
Well, never fear, here are some simple tips to help you survive the holidays this year.
The holidays are upon us. If you happen to be blessed with amazing family dynamics, then you’re probably looking forward to sitting down to a good meal with your loved ones. But if you are like millions of people out there, you cringe at the thought of yet another family gathering. Because your family is known for shade, side eyes, underhanded comments, and a general feeling of thick tension in the air.
Well, never fear, here are some simple tips to help you survive the holidays this year.
The first thing to ask yourself is “Should I actually be attending family events this year?”
Yes, I know people say, “Blood is thicker than water,” but if blood will demean you, drive you nuts or leave you in tears, perhaps you might want to skip the gatherings altogether.
Please note that I’m not a big fan of canceling people or cutting them off, but if your family situation truly is toxic, you might have to sit this one out for your peace of mind. Your holidays can be spent alone or with other loved ones. Sometimes our friends can quickly become family.
Who says every holiday must be spent with family?
Once you have decided to actually go to family events, the following guidelines will save you from a heart attack.
Decide how long you will stay at the event
Because your family gets together for 8 hours on Thanksgiving Day, preps the meal together, sets the table together, then cleans up together, does not mean you have to follow that tradition. If you can only stomach them for 2 hours at a time, you decide when to show up and when to leave.
Yes, they’ll make a big fuss about you either leaving early or arriving late, but your peace of mind will be intact. Go in there, make the rounds and leave with your dignity intact.
That’s what we are aiming for this year.
Stay away from hot button topics and nosey aunties
If you’ve spent a lot of time with your family, you definitely know what topics you cannot discuss. In some families it’s politics. In others, it’s religion. And for others it could be issues around marriage, career plans, where you choose to live, child rearing issues, etc. Know the hot button topics and stay away from them at all costs.
If someone decides to bring those topics up (I’m referring to the nosey, fire starting aunties, then you can politely decide not to engage). Here’s what you can say:
“I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time.”
If they continue to query you, put your big girl pants on and stand your ground. No one can get you to discuss something you’re not ready for. No one.
Stick with the cool family members
Even though your family might be filled with troublesome characters, you probably have 1 or 2 cool family members left. You know, the quiet cousin who sits in the corner because she doesn’t like drama. Or the uncle who is positioned in front of the TV because he doesn’t care for gossip.
Find the cool, level headed family members and make them your buddies during the event. They’ll probably appreciate you for doing that because they don’t care for family drama either.
Stay away from lies
When we find ourselves in a pickle, sometimes we revert to our 7 year old selves and we spew tons of lies to protect ourselves. For example, if Aunt Margaret asks you “Why are you 2 hours late to dinner?” you feel like you’re in trouble and you start to tell an entire tale to save yourself.
You are no longer a child and Aunt Margaret has no control over you. Answer her like the adult that you are. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to lie either. A big part of gaining peace of mind is being able to be yourself, regardless of what your family thinks.
There you have it. Some simple tips to help your holiday festivities feel a little more festive.
If you are sick and tired of being controlled by gossiping aunties and a toxic family, and you are ready to learn how to be an adult again, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me. I’m a licensed therapist in CA and TX, and helping to set people free from the bondage of a toxic family, is one of my favorite things to do.
I hope you enjoy your holiday season!
How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston
Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people, coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.
In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools that all couples should learn within their marriage is the 5 love languages.
Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.
In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.
The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?
You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.
Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.
1) Acts of Service
These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.
During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.
If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.
2) Physical touch
These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.
If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.
3) Gifts
These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.
If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.
4) Words of Affirmation
These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.
If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.
5) Quality Time
As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.
If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.
If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.
If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
Many of my clients are:
Can marriage counseling in Houston make your marriage worse?
Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling is the thing to do.
You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”
You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.
Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.
Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling in Houston is the thing to do.
You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”
You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.
Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.
First, it’s important to get clear on why you want to attend marriage counseling in houston
Do you want to go to couples counseling in Houston because you want clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce? Are you hoping that marriage counseling in Houston will save your ailing marriage? Or are you hoping that marriage counseling will finally fix your stubborn husband?
Marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston can definitely give you clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce. Now, your marriage counselor probably won’t tell you what to do, but through the process of counseling, you might get deeper clarity into what you want about the future of your marriage.
Will couples therapy fix your stubborn husband? Don’t count on it. Well, unless your stubborn husband is ready to roll his sleeves and learn new ways of communicating, resolving conflict and engaging in your relationship.
The focus of marriage counseling should really be about teaching you new skills- NOT fixing the other person (Sorry!)
What if marriage counseling in houston makes things worse?
Okay let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes things get worse before they get better.
But wait, don’t close your screen.
Think about it this way. Most people wait at least 6 years after the beginning of their marriage troubles before even seeking marriage counseling. So by the time they get into the marriage counselor’s office, there are A LOT of bitter feelings, there’s very low marital satisfaction, everyone is at their wit’s end and the foundation of the marriage is pretty shaky.
It’s not that the marriage is getting worse after marriage counseling, it’s that all the unspoken stuff is finally being aired out. Wouldn’t you rather address all that stuff and finally come to a resolution?
My job as a marriage counselor is to help you begin to unpack all the stuff you’ve been holding in for 6 years. I’ll help you unlearn how to speak to each other, we’ll unearth the resentment that one or both of you might be feeling at this time, we’ll work on forgiveness (if that’s what you need), and you’ll learn how to manage conflict too.
We are basically rebuilding your marriage from the ground up. So your marriage will feel uneasy- like a construction zone for a while. But once the pieces are in place, things will feel smooth again.
What if your marriage ends in divorce even after couples counseling in houston?
Let me be clear about something. My job as a marriage counselor is NOT necessarily to fix your marriage. My job is to give you and your spouse clarity regarding the future of your marriage.
Sometimes the future of your marriage looks like a blissful marriage. Sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you want to take a break. And sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you do not want to continue with the marriage at all.
My job is to support you in whatever decision you make.
I hope this helps.
If you have been struggling with communicating with your partner and you’re not sure how to navigate it, click here for your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Houston, TX or in the Murrieta/ Temecula area is right for you.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?