Here’s why going to marriage counseling in Houston is so much better than just talking to your friends

Why marriage counseling is better than just talking to your friends

Did you know that the average couple typically waits 6 years before seeking the help of a marriage counselor or marriage therapist? That means couples notice a problem, but they try to fight through it for 6 years!

Do you know what can happen in 6 years? You can watch your newborn become old enough to successfully start the first grade. You can get a bachelor’s degree AND a master’s degree. In 6 years you can also grow the most amazing friendship with your spouse.

But if you do not play your cards right, in 6 years you could completely watch your marriage deteriorate without the support and guidance of a trained Houston licensed marriage and family therapist.

But because most people do not understand the value of marriage counseling, they defer to self- help books (which aren’t totally bad), videos, reels and the advice from friends (who may or may not know how to actually help your marriage).

Let’s talk further about why you’re much better off attending marriage counseling in Houston than confiding in your well meaning friends.

Not all your friends are well meaning

First of all, not all your friends mean well or have enough knowledge to actually help your marriage grow. Some of your friends are amazing people who are skilled in business or parenting, but behind closed doors, their own marriages suck. So they’ll give you the same sucky advice they’ve been implementing at home and your marriage will become a dumpster fire. Some friends will give you bad advice on purpose, while others genuinely mean well, but their approach to marriage will worsen your situation.

Your friends are biased

Friends typically are one sided. They feel the need to stand by you at all costs. That means if you’re doing something wrong in your marriage, they won’t feel comfortable telling you that you’re doing something wrong. They watch you make missteps, but they don’t say anything. They also will nod and smile at you every time you complain to them about your spouse, but they don’t actually correct you. 

But when you’re in couples counseling in Houston, on the other hand, your therapist is skilled in the art of pointing out harmful behavior and gently correcting you. So you actually leave each session having accomplished something great for your marriage.

Your friends don't know your family dynamics

Your lovely friends do not know the impact that your upbringing and your husband’s upbringing play in your relationship. All they see are the current behaviors within your household and they will give you advice based on that. That’s an incomplete picture.

I, on the other hand, approach marriage counseling in Houston from a holistic approach. I take the environment and family that you and your spouse were raised into consideration when I support you. We work to strengthen patterns that are working and fix patterns that are broken. Can your friends do that?

Your friends aren't professionally trained

Your friends don’t know the right questions to ask. They only know what you’ve told them. And let’s be honest, most of us do not tell our friends about the shenanigans that we pull with our spouses. We sugar coat our stories to make ourselves look better. So when you go to your friends for marriage advice, they have no clue what they should actually be saying to help you.

Your friends don't know the signs of a mental health diagnosis

Your friends often do not know the difference between typical marital issues and marital issues that arise as a result of a mental health diagnosis. Let’s be honest, most people wouldn’t know what anxiety, depression or ADHD looked like if it slapped them in the face. But a trained, specialized marriage counselor in Houston will not only help you improve your marriage relationship, but they can actually work with you to help manage your mental health. It’s a two for one.

The next time you are tempted to pick up your phone to call or text a friend to complain about your struggling marriage, ask yourself if that’s actually a wise decision.

If you are finally ready to break your 6-year marriage turmoil streak and have a marriage that feels easy, is filled with laughter and great communication, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. 

Marriage counseling in Houston (I also provide marriage counseling to people in the Temecula, Murrieta CA area) can end your awful 6 year streak.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to boredom-proof your marriage

How to boredom-proof your marriage

Marriage is a beautiful thing. You meet this amazing, beautiful person who makes your heart flutter every time you speak to them. So you decide to take the plunge and marry them. After all, you only have eyes  for them. Then years pass by and you realize your life feels like deja vu. You wake up, take the kids to school, head to work, send each other a text (or not), come home, eat dinner, clean up, sleep, rinse and repeat.

It’s the same old schedule day in and day out. Although your life feels good, you want more. So. Much. More.

You are sick and tired of the monotony in your marriage. Don’t worry. I see this all the time during couples counseling in Houston.

Here are some simple ways to boredom-proof your marriage.

Have a marriage check in every month

I know this doesn't sound sexy at all, but it’s important to check in with your spouse regularly to actually ask them what they want and need. You see, as adults, we grow and change all the time. Sometimes you might think you’re fulfilling all your duties as a spouse, but your spouse is secretly pining for something else. When you do this check in, ask your spouse three questions:

• What has been going well in our marriage this month?

• What has not been going well in our marriage this month?

• What is 1 thing I can do this month to make your heart happy?

You might get in your feelings about this. This isn’t the time to be defensive. Listen with an open heart so your marriage can improve.

Come up with a marriage bucket list

Your marriage feels stale because you are doing the same activities over and over again. Although stability is great in a marriage, novelty adds zest. Come up with a list of activities you want to try with one another. Don’t edit yourself. You can add travel, playing board games, visiting new restaurants, learning a new skill, etc. And don’t forget sex too! The list is endless.

Do the activities on the marriage bucket list

It seems like a great idea to come up with a marriage bucket list, but you actually have to do the activities on the marriage bucket list for it to actually work. To make sure it happens, pick 1 activity per month and plug it into your schedules. Make an actual plan. Too many couples make plans without actually implementing them. That’s where the fun stuff happens. When you make plans without implementing them, resentment can build up. And we don’t want that.

Get playful in your marriage

Marriage does not have to be that serious all the time. Yes, I know that you have so many responsibilities, but there has to be room for play and excitement. One of my favorite forms of play for couples is to utilize an app specifically for couples. Two of my favorite marriage/relationship apps are the Gottman Card Decks app and the Ultimate Intimacy app. They have conversation starters and all sorts of fun activities for couples. Why reinvent the wheel when it’s been done for you?

Meet up with other couples

Sometimes you get tired of staring at your husband’s face every night and you just want to meet new people. Plan a couples night where you can eat some good food, get to know some other couples, laugh and just break away from the monotony. You might learn some new things from other couples too.

Laugh together often

Life as an adult can be hard. We get so used to chasing money and career, raising kids and being responsible, that we rarely leave room for fun. Do things that make you both happy- dance, sing, watch a funny movie, be silly with each other, reminisce about old times. Remember why you both decide to be together.

If you are ready to finally get rid of the boredom in your marriage and bring back the spice you once had, click here to schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call. It’s time to take back your marriage.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Houston, Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also provide marriage counseling in Houston to help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to finally boredom proof your marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation for marriage counseling in Houston.

Why married moms are so exhausted (And how husbands can better support them)

Why married moms are so exhausted (And how husbands can make it better)

One of the biggest struggles I see in my Houston couples counseling practice, is that women feel overworked and overburdened. If your wife consistently has been feeling overwhelmed, here are some ways you can better support her. It’s not just great for her, it’ll boost your marriage relationship.

Here are some reasons why married moms feel disconnected from their spouses.

1) Moms are carrying too much of the mental load

Even among couples who divide the domestic work, moms typically are responsible for way too much. Even though both the husband and the wife might cook, clean, grocery shop and pick kids up from school, working married moms still have significantly more to think about. This increase in mental load could create resentment and exhaustion.

News flash! Exhaustion is NOT sexy in your marriage.

What exactly do I mean by ‘carrying too much of the mental load?’ Let’s take the kids’ education for example. Even though I see lots of dads in the pickup line at school (which is great), in addition to school pickup, moms are usually responsible for:

• Doing research on the best schools for your kids to attend

• Actually filling out the paperwork so your kids can attend school

• Ordering uniforms, school clothes and supplies

• Ensuring the kids are fed in the morning before school and that they are on time for school

• Helping kids with homework and projects

• Doing research about extracurricular activities

• Signing the kids up for these activities

• Following up with teachers and coaches about their kids’ performance, and the list goes on and on.

  So while dads are picking and dropping kids off, moms are responsible for at least 9 more activities. And that is in just 1 area of life alone.

  If mom is working outside of the home, she has to do this in addition to her job. Might I also add that mom is usually the go to contact in school? So teachers will email or text moms before even thinking about reaching out to dad.

After dealing with stuff like this, women will feel quite under appreciated and exhausted. Can you imagine how this can negatively impact your marriage?

How to support her:

In my Houston marriage counseling practice, I encourage couples to have regular conversations about the division of labor in the household. Although it might seem like things are fair, moms are carrying much more emotional labor than they need to. Dads should make it clear to the school that they are a valuable point of contact regarding kids’ behavior and ongoing school activities.

This conversation should also be had regarding other areas in the household such as domestic chores, healthcare, managing money, etc.

2) some husbands are not checking in on their wives enough

Moms are typically the backbone of the household. The kids go to her for everything- even when dad is sitting right next to the kids. While this can seem so lovely and it’s definitely a blessing, it’s overwhelming for many moms.

While some dads might think moms are just naturally better at this kind of stuff, it’s just a myth. Moms only become ‘better at kid stuff’ because they are often the default. As moms listen to and problem solve with the kids all day, it sends the message that mom is the go to for anything child-related or domestic.

And as mom is taking care of these activities, she often feels alone. She has to juggle her career, attending to the needs of the kids, focusing in the other relationships in her life and trying to be a great wife.

Often times women will check in with their husbands during the day to ensure that they have everything they need to be successful. But who checks up on women? It is sometimes assumed that because moms are able to juggle so many tasks, they don’t need emotional and physical support.

How to support her:

When kids are sitting right next to you, but they ask mom for help, redirect them back to you. It’s important that dads are established as a valid resource in the household. You don’t have to wait until you get to couples cousneling to do this (although marriage counseling is a great place to have this conversation too). Remember that moms aren’t intrinsically better at domestic duritess or child rearing activities. Moms only become good at these activities because they have a lot of practice in this area.

If dads intentionally engage within the household, they too will become so much better and more capable. It’s a win win because mom will have some stress off her back, and dads relationship with the kids will improve.

3) moms don’t get much of a break

Moms often do not get much of a break. After spending all day at work, they have to come back home to kids who need their attention, a pile of laundry, they have to figure out what’s for dinner, and they still have to meet the emotional needs of their husband and kids.

By the end of the night, they are emotionally drained and completely overwhelmed. This does not leave a lot of mental space for them to chase their own dreams, put their feet up or just feel calm. This also takes a toll on their marriage too because by the time the day is over, they don’t have anything else to give.

How to support her:

Normalize having regular check ins with your wife. Never assume that the status quo is working well for her. Periodically, ask her how’s she’s feeling, what she needs and how you can best support her. Make this a two way conversation so she knows how you would like support too. When she knows that you see her and validate her feelings, she’ll trust you more and feel closer to you.

4)You stopped dating her when you said “I do.”

Marriage is a continuous dance. You have to keep dating and getting to know each other for the rest of your lives. Typically, both parties spend a lot of time together during the dating phase and a bit into the first year of marriage, but once the kids come, the marriage usually takes the backseat to domestic responsibilities.

Date night goes out of the window, you stop telling her how pretty she is, words of affirmation are nonexistent, and before you know it, you’re trapped in a roommate/coworker situation.

How to support her:

Intentionally plan date nights and outings. Marriage is a continued process of change and excitement. Don’t be boring. Embrace adventure and novelty in your marriage. Find new places to visit together, watch new shows together, try to find new interests and invite excitement into your marriage. Many moms feel like being a mom is their only identity. They feel a sense of loss of self and they struggle to find who they are again.

And even if you’r not able to go on adventures together, plan quality time within your home or around your neighborhood.

If you are ready to learn how to finally support each in your marriage, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Houston is right for you. You can actually have a blissful marriage. It doesn't have to be so hard.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help married couples in Houston learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps and find out more about marriage counseling in Houston, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation call.

Houston Marriage Counseling Tips: 5 Sure signs you need to fire your marriage counselor ASAP

As a trained Christian marriage counselor in Houston or couples therapist in Houston, I understand that couples therapy is a skill that not every therapist possesses. And this is no shade whatsoever. After all, I consider my skills in child and adolescent therapy to be quite average, which is why I don’t work with kids.

In fact, many marriage and family therapists, as well as counselors do not see couples- because they know it’s another kettle of fish altogether. By the way, this is a great thing. I believe it’s more important to specialize in a skill set that you’re great at, rather than providing a multitude of subpar services.

What you might not know is that many licensed marriage and family therapists do not have adequate training to skillfully practice couples therapy (don’t let our title fool you). So before you embark on your couples therapy journey in Houston, it is important to first ask your therapist if they do indeed have the necessary training to accomplish such an important task.

That being said, here are some signs that you need to fire your Houston marriage counselor or couples therapist ASAP.

1) They don’t do a thorough assessment when they start couples therapy with you

When you go into couples therapy in Houston, it’s important that you’re not just jumping from one argument to the other. The therapist should take a step back and get to know you and your partner well. This is because a lot of useful information can be unearthed by doing a thorough assessment.

You’ll learn how your upbringing affects the way you are as a wife, how past traumas play a role in your relationship, how different unspoken rules are plaguing your relationship, amongst other dynamics. Most importantly, you’ll learn how underlying patterns are working to either build your marriage up or tear it down.

2) They spend a whole bunch of your marriage counseling time listening to you and your spouse arguing

Marriage counseling in Houston should certainly not feel like a war every single session. Yes, sometimes sessions can leave you feeling drained, but it shouldn’t be a he-said, she-said event every single week. The goal of couples therapy is to help you gain tools that will help you improve your relationship- not to give you the necessary ammunition to destroy your marriage.

So if every couples counseling session is feeling like a never ending argument, that’s a red flag. It is a sign that your marriage counselor isn’t adequately skilled in couples therapy. Trust me, working with couples is very different than working in individual therapy.

3) Your marriage counselor doesn't have any training in couples therapy

Well this should have been number 1 on my list. And how do you know if your couples therapist has training in couples therapy? All you have to do is ask them. When you sign up for a consultation with your couples therapist, or during the first session, just ask “What type of couples therapy training do you have?” Easy peasy. I personally prefer the Gottman Method, and I’m trained in level 1 and level 2, but honestly, it doesn't matter what method they use- as long as they have some sort of training in marriage counseling.

4) Your marriage counselor appears to be taking sides

This is a big one. Each partner in couples therapy should feel seen, heard and respected. But I’ve heard tales of couples therapists who clearly side with one partner- leaving the other feeling alienated.

As a Houston couples therapist, it is not beyond me to call you out from time to time. If you for example are blatantly rude to your spouse in my presence, I’ll call you out. If you show up every week without doing the marriage counseling homework, I will call you out, and if you have a clear pattern of behavior that isn’t helping your marriage, I will call you out. But my goal is for both of you to win. And I don’t play couples therapy favorites.

If you feel disrespected by your couples therapist, feel free to let them know. If they do not validate your feelings or their behavior persists, it might be time to terminate couples therapy or marriage counseling. Your emotional safety is a priority.

5) You consistently feel uncomfortable in couples therapy

And this goes for every type of therapy interaction you have. There has to be a good fit between you and your couples therapist. If something about them makes your skin crawl, if you find it challenging to open up to them after multiple session, if you just don’t like their vibe, or if something feels consistently off, then it’s time to let them go.

Sometimes it might mean you’re not ready for couples therapy. So take a moment to take stock of what’s going on internally. Other times, it means the couples therapist isn’t the right marriage counselor for you. That’s okay. There are probably hundreds of marriage counselors in Houston for you to pick from. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right marriage counselor for you.

If you are in the market for a couples therapist in Houston who will give you the necessary tools you need to help your marriage succeed, and who isn’t afraid to call you out when you’re making a mess, then I might be the couples therapist in Houston or you.

I’m a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston who believes that therapy should work. If you want to find out if we’re a great fit in therapy click here to schedule a free consultation call. You deserve a marriage that’s fun, light and safe.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Houston marriage counseling tips: Do you want a divorce or are you just bored in your marriage?

As a couples therapist in Houston, I sometimes get calls from couples who say that they think they want a divorce. It is not uncommon for me to do co-parenting or ‘healthy divorce’ sessions.

Sometimes couples want a divorce, but they want to avoid all the fighting and drama that goes with it, so couples therapy for them looks like negotiating healthy boundaries so that they have as amicable a divorce as possible.

But before you sign the divorce papers, it is important to ask yourself whether you actually want a divorce or if you're just bored with the way things are. Maybe you're just frustrated and have lost hope that things can work out.

Here’s how to find out if you actually want a divorce.

1) Do you want to spend energy working towards a solution for your marriage?

Whether you get marriage counseling or couples therapy to work on your marriage, you get couples therapy to work on co-parenting, or you decide not to get therapy at all, you will be expending some energy. It’s important to ask yourself what you would like to spend your energy on.

If no one has told you this, let me be the first to tell you- couples therapy is hard work. It’s a very active process. You’ll have to sit, listen, practice skills, be vulnerable and do homework (fun!). If you don’t actually do the homework, you and your spouse will end up back at square one- bored, at each other’s throats and on the brink of divorce.

2) If a solution to your marriage troubles were presented to you, would you take it?

If I waved a magic wand today, and I gave you a special solution to fix your marriage, would you actually take it?

If the answer is yes, then perhaps you don’t actually want a divorce. You want a solution for your marriage. Maybe you’ve tried all the things, read all the books, tried to get your husband or wife to see reason, and nothing has worked. So you decide that it’s time for a divorce.

But have you tried marriage counseling in Houston? A skilled marriage counselor in Houston can help you work on improving your communication, navigating conflicts, repairing when things go left and maintaining a strong fienedhsip. If you’re ready to try marriage counseling in Houston, click here for a free consultation call.

3) Has your marriage stopped providing you with the excitement it used to?

There are natural ebbs and flows in marriage. Most people start off super strong and passionate, and as the years go by, children get born, careers advance, health crises happen, and the marriage takes a back seat.

You start to feel like you’re just a worker in the home, rather than someone’s treasured spouse. You stop surprising each other, and you become like roommates.

Here’s the time to ask yourself, can we bring the spark back into the marriage or is it time to call it quits.

4) Do you feel safe within the marriage relationship?

No relationship can thrive without physical and emotional safety. As a rule, I would never ever advise that you stay put within an unsafe relationship. And you get to decide what feels safe versus unsafe to you. If you are experiencing abuse or insecurity within the relationship, you have every right to do what you need to stay safe.

5) Are you struggling to communicate your needs in a way that your spouse can understand?

Sometimes the job of a couples therapist or marriage counselor is to teach you how to help your spouse understand what you need. Never assume that your spouse is a mind reader. Even if you’ve been married for 10 years, he might still struggle to give you what you need.

Although it’s frustrating to repeat yourself over and over again, marriage counseling could help improve the communication. Most people are actually very poor communicators, but they don’t learn that until they start marriage counseling.

So there you have it.

Before you run to divorce court, ask yourself if you indeed are looking for a divorce, or you’re just looking for a solution to your current marital problems.

If you are ready to learn how to talk to your spouse in a way that he (or she) can understand, so that you can have a lasting friendship and a passionate marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I provide couples therapy in Houston and throughout California.

I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Houston marriage counseling tips: 20 conversation starters to help married couples reconnect

You can always tell the difference between a couple who is newlywed, and a couple who has been married for a decade. Newlyweds often look longingly into each other's eyes, they hold hands, they sit very close to each other and they just look like they are in love. They cannot get enough of one another.

Couples who have been married for a long time, unfortunately, sometimes look like they are sick of one another. There’s little to no eye contact, they say mean jokes to one another, they ignore one another and they just look like they don’t want to be in each other’s presence.

Let’s fix that. There’s no reason why your only interactions with your spouse should be just about paying bills, picking kids up from school and investing in your IRA plan. Let’s spice things up.

Here is a list of simple conversation starters you can use when next you are on a date with your spouse (remember what dates are?). Keep the conversation flowing naturally. It doesn’t have to feel like an interrogation or a job interview.

Here are some simple questions I use with my clients during our couples therapy sessions in Houston:

Why did you fall in love with me?

What do you remember about the day we met?

Where would you like to be in the next 6 months?

What’s your favorite memory of us?

What do you wish I knew about you?

How’s work going? What do you like/dislike about work right now?

What is your favorite color and why?

What are your hopes and dreams for our kids?

Why did you choose your specific career?

What is 1 thing you wish we could do in our relationship?

What’s your favorite scent?

What are some things that are on your bucket list?

What challenges are you going through at work?

What is your favorite memory of me?

Tell me about a hobby you would like to take up.

What type of husband/wife would you like to be?

What type of father/mother would you like to be?

What makes you happy?

What is something you’ve always wanted to do?

How do we take our relationship to the next level?

So try out these conversation starters and see how they go. If they feel awkward at first, that’s okay. Keep trying until it feels more natural. If you are ready to improve the friendship in your marriage and learn how to communicate comfortably, then marriage counseling in Houston might be right for you. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.