Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
Houston Couples Therapy Tip: Your spouse is NOT a mind reader- here's how to tell him what you need
As a Houston couples therapist, I see it all the time- a wife complaining that her husband does not fulfill her emotional needs. But when I ask her if she has been specific about what she wants, the answer is usually, “No.”
You see, most of the time, you are actually doing a poor job of communicating your needs to your spouse. Many couples struggle because they do not yet have the communication skills that are necessary to help their spouse understand them. And yes it’s possible for you to have been married for 5 years and still be unsure of how to appropriately communicate to your husband or wife in a way that they can understand.
Here are some simple tips to help your spouse understand what you need, straight from the mouth of a couples therapist in Houston:
1) Spend some time connecting with your own feelings
If you have no clue how you are feeling, it’s going to be almost impossible for your spouse to understand how you are feeling. Get used to using feeling words. Ask yourself, “How am I actually feeling?” Is it happy, sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, disrespected, neutral, etc?
Sometimes while in couples therapy, I check in which each partner to ask them what’s going on in their hearts. It helps give them a few seconds to pause and check before responding to their spouse.
Once you know how you feel, it’s time to move on to the next step.
2) What exactly triggered you?
After identifying your feelings, it’s also important to know what exactly triggered you.
Take a moment to identify if it was something within your environment, something your husband said or did, or none of the above.
Was it that you were already having a bad day? Or that your husband was staring at his phone rather than listening to you? Or are you super hungry and tired, so anything your husband could have said would have triggered you anyway?
This is another marriage counseling tip. Get used to checking in to see what exactly triggered that big emotion. It helps you better understand yourself, and helps you husband better understand you.
3) What type of support do you need?/What do you need from your spouse?
Now that you know how you feel and why you were triggered, what do you want your spouse to do about it? In what way would you feel supported? Remember that he has no clue what you need, until you tell him. And I know this can be super frustrating, but it’s true- your husband is NOT a mind reader.
Do you want an apology? Do you want time alone? Do you want to talk about it? Do you just want him to listen better next time? Do you want him to put his phone away?
If you don’t know what would help you feel comforted, your husband certainly won’t know.
Get in the habit of checking in with your feelings every day. Once you get good at doing this, you can then learn to share these feelings with your spouse.
As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, my job is to help you on the communication and friendship in your marriage. If you are finally ready to learn how to speak in a way that your husband will finally understand, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. Let’s take your marriage from boring and frustrated to exciting.
About the author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California.
I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Houston Couples Therapy: Here's why you need couples therapy ASAP
Marriage can be sweet, but anyone married for more than six months will tell you that it is no easy feat to join your life with someone else.
If you have been struggling with your marriage, marriage counseling in Houston is a great way to explore being close to each other again.
Here are 4 reasons why you just might need a couples therapist in Houston.
1) Your friends and family are NOT marriage counseling experts
Your marriage was your decision, not your friends’ and other family members’. It’s okay to discuss your problems with friends, but do not make decisions about your marriage based on conversations you have with them.
However, a quick word of caution about going to your friends and family. Some of them will tell you what they think you want to hear. Some of them will be biased and defend you- even when you are in the wrong. And others are hoping that your marriage fails, so they give you horrific advice. Many try their best, but it turns out that their advice will do more damage to your relationship.
Imagine taking medical advice from a mechanic? That’s what could happen when you lean on friends and family solely for marriage advice.
2) No one ever taught you what a sustainable, happy marriage looks like
Through your struggles, it’s important to remember that most of us have no idea what a healthy godly marriage should be and how to get to that happy marriage. Maybe you are copying the type of marriage you grew up seeing. If the marriage was tumultuous, you are copying the wrong blueprint.
Very few people go to premarital counseling before getting married. They assume that love will be enough. A great marriage counselor or couples therapist inHouston can show you the proper roadmap to a successful, committed marriage.
I’m a Christian marriage therapist in Houston who helps couples create spicy, happy marriages. And if you are a Christian looking to have a Christ-centered marriage, seek Christian marriage counseling in Houston that can integrate faith into the couples counseling sessions. Click here to schedule your free consultation call with me.
3) Your couples communication skills are much worse than you think
Many people think they are great at communicating their needs with their spouses. But when you come into couples therapy in Houston, you will learn why you’ve had years of communication breakdown and pain.
Many people only communicate according to their upbringing. Half the time, you think you’re being transparent, but your spouse has no clue what you mean. A big part of couples therapy is learning how to get your point across in a way your spouse can understand. When I teach healthy communication skills during couples therapy session, couples are surprised at their lack of communication skills. But the good thing is that we can teach excellent communication.
4) You need a space where you can focus on your marriage
Marriage can be difficult. It gets even more complicated once you introduce kids, a house, a dog, a busy schedule, and other external responsibilities. Many couples struggle to find time for one another, and after a few years of being busy, marriage can quickly become a roommate or work partner situation.
You sleep in the same bed and live in the same house, but you no longer feel a strong connection to one another. You stay together for the kids or for financial reasons, but deep inside, you know you want more.
Marriage counseling in Houston or couples therapy in Houston is an opportunity for you to spend some time rebuilding your lost friendship. You’ll learn how to talk to each other, truly connect again, and finally nip those annoying arguments in the bud.
If you are ready to stop being roommates and create a passionate and long-lasting marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black Christian marriage therapist in Houston whose goal is to help Christian couples create spicy, enjoyable, and irresistible marriages.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
How to Sleep Again After Losing Your Loved One
There is no loss that compares to losing someone you love. No preparation can make you completely ready for it, and it affects every aspect of life including sleep. While nothing can replace the feeling of having your beloved next to you at night, there are ways you can improve the quality of sleep you get and thereby improve your overall wellbeing. Here are some suggestions to help you through this difficult time.
There is no loss that compares to losing someone you love. No preparation can make you completely ready for it, and it affects every aspect of life including sleep. While nothing can replace the feeling of having your beloved next to you at night, there are ways you can improve the quality of sleep you get and thereby improve your overall wellbeing. Here are some suggestions to help you through this difficult time.
Don’t Stay Still
While there are no instant cures for losing sleep after a loved one’s passing, there are ways you can take care of yourself even in your darkest moments. Nurture yourself by engaging in physical activity. Go for a long run in the morning, take your dog for a walk during a break from work, or take a class at your local gym in the evening.
At times it can seem impossible to do almost anything when grieving, but it’s important for both your mental and physical health to stay active. To best support healthy sleep habits, Healthline recommends engaging in light to moderate exercise between 60–90 minutes before bed. They suggest exercises that include yoga, stretching, walking or swimming, and light weightlifting.
Make the Best Sleep Environment
It is important to know the difference between gadgets that will assist you in falling asleep and things that are simply a waste of money. While there are plenty of apps designed to help you rest, Nuvanna says it’s wise to rid your sleeping space of unnecessary electronics. The blue light from the screens on your phone, tablet, or electronic reader can inhibit your body from producing melatonin.
If your mattress is around 10 years old, it may be negatively affecting your sleep and time to get a new one. When purchasing a mattress, consider your sleep position, as this will affect what material you need and how firm it should be. Back sleepers need a firm bed while stomach sleepers require different support to keep from sinking.
Learn Calming Techniques
If you struggle to calm your mind at night, sleeping will be difficult. Fortunately, there are relaxation exercises you can do to help you let go of thoughts while in bed. One such technique is to focus on deep breathing. As you breathe in, feel the air entering your lungs and try to picture it moving through your body.
Progressive relaxation is another great way to distract your mind and let your body unwind naturally, according to Psychology Today. Focus on one area of your body at a time and intentionally relax it, slowly progressing until your whole body is relaxed. If you need something more tangible, however, you could try taking a bath at the end of your day. Use bath bombs, essential oils, or bath salts to help you experience deep relaxation.
Honor Their Memory with a Nonprofit
One profound way you can honor the departed while also giving yourself something positive to focus on is to create a nonprofit in your loved one’s honor. Formation services can help you through the process of setting things up, and it can be an invaluable step on the road to making peace with your loss. If you’re not sure how to get started, there are helpful guides available that lay out the process and everything it entails. Just remember that starting a nonprofit—even a small one—requires a lot of hard work.
Eat for Sleep
What you eat and drink can also affect how well you sleep at night. If you find yourself agitated or restless in the evenings, drinking caffeine or alcohol may only make this worse. Both drinks cannot only prevent you from falling asleep but may also interfere with your ability to remain asleep. Be mindful of when you consume caffeine or alcohol relative to your bedtime.
There are many foods that can help improve your sleep, but there are also foods that can make sleep more difficult. Try to avoid foods that are high in acidity, sugar, and fat. Acid can upset your stomach when you lie down, and fatty foods can increase your stomach’s production of acid. Foods heavy in protein can take a long time to digest, which can also keep you awake. Lastly, avoid foods that act as a diuretic. If you have to get up several times during the night to use the bathroom, you are not getting adequate rest.
If you’ve recently lost a loved one, you may be experiencing difficulty sleeping. This can exacerbate the stress you may already be feeling. While there is no instant solution for troubled sleep, these tips will help you ensure that you’re taking the necessary steps to prioritize healthy sleep during this difficult time.
At The Zinnia Practice, I provide counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area. I also provide online counseling for high achieving women and couples throughout California and Texas. When you’re in therapy with me, you can be yourself-laugh, cry and let your guard down. I only take on a handful of clients at a time, which means that when we work together, you get individualized therapy services.
Let’s get you to your place of calm and confidence as quickly as possible.
For the Christian woman who wants to integrate scripture into our counseling sessions, I provide Christian counseling or Christian therapy in Murrieta and online.
For more information, please visit my website or contact me today!
What to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area
These days it appears that on every show on TV, everybody and their mama, is constantly talking about going to therapy. You've played around with the idea of therapy or counseling in your head, however you're not sure what to expect.
You've heard that talking to a therapist is just like talking to your best friend. But if it is similar to talking to your best friend, then why pay money and spend time you don’t have in therapy? Why not just go to your best friend?
Here's a quick list of what to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area.
Everyone and their mother appears to be talking about going to therapy on every show these days. You've entertained the idea of therapy or counseling in your mind, but you're not sure what to expect.
You've probably heard that talking to a therapist is similar to talking to your best friend. But, if it's the same as talking to your best friend, why spend money, and the time you don't have in therapy? Why not ask your best friend?
Here's a quick list of what to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area.
Before we begin, all therapists must be different, so I will be speaking from my own perspective. These are my practices as a therapist.
I won't be giving you advice during therapy or counseling.
The number one misconception about therapy is your therapist specifically tells you what to do. Your therapist is entirely different from your best friend or your mentor. My job is NOT to tell you what to do; after all, who am I to tell you what to do? I am not your boss. My job is simply to ask you questions that give you the space to think deeply, weigh the pros and cons, brainstorm, and eventually come to your own conclusion. You'll learn more about the whys of things, common patterns in your life, and what makes you who you are.
Would it not be a form of control if I told you what to do?
I'm not 100 percent neutral in therapy.
When you watch TV, the therapist is 100% neutral. They really have a blank stare on their face, they nod and smile, and they just appear to have no personality.
I am not like that.
If I feel like you are moving in a perilous direction, I will let you know. I am not neutral at all. My ulterior motive is to guide you towards the completion of your goals. To be neutral will mean that I have no investment in your success. Being neutral would mean that I am a blank slate. I am no blank slate.
My real intention is to guide you to become the person you said you wanted to become when you began working with me.
Therapy is hard work.
From the outside looking in, therapy is just two people looking at each other and talking for an hour. This is far from the truth. As a couple therapist in Houston, I have spent over a decade honing my skills, learning human behavior, learning about interpersonal relationships, learning about nonverbal behavior, and even learning about how the brain works to quickly get you your therapy goals.
Therapy is not a walk in the park. There will be tears, some shade was thrown (mostly on my end), moments of deep reflection, and you will feel uncomfortable.
You'll feel like a lot better version of yourself when you've gone through some of those challenging feelings when you're done. To grow a healthy tree, I always remind my clients that they must first dig through the sludge.
And yes, another thing to expect when you work with me is a series of proverbs and sayings that I often make up on the fly.
What can I say? It is the West African therapist in me.
In our therapy or counseling sessions, I won't be blaming your mom for everything.
People often shy away from therapy in Houston (and everywhere else) because they believe their family will be put on blast or that the therapist will not respect their heritage.
As a Black marriage counselor in Houston and an immigrant, I understand the importance of culture and family and their complexity.
I will absolutely not be blaming your mom, your dad, your grandma, or your neighborhood for everything. I understand that your environment, personality, and family upbringing all play a role in making you who you are. It is entirely unjust to place all of the blame on one person.
As a therapist, I have no preconceived notions about you.
Although I primarily work with couples and high-achieving women with anxiety and insomnia, I do not expect all of my clients to be the same. I absolutely do not take a one-size-fits-all approach to my work.
I believe that you are unique, and a massive part of my work is listening and observing. You are the one who tells me the story of who you are, you are the one who walks me through, and you are the captain of the ship.
When you go to a therapy session with me, I have no preconceived notions about you. I do not expect you to check off all of the boxes in the DSM V (the DSM V is the official manual from which therapists diagnose clients).
Instead, I take an approach of not knowing, as I believe you are the expert yourself. You may not realize it yourself better than anyone else or will ever know you. Let us all learn to accept that together.
I ask you what your goals for therapy are
Our first Couples counseling Houston session together is like a discovery session. I ask you a lot of questions about your upbringing, your current environment, your time in school, your career, the significant relationships in your life, what brings you into therapy, your emotions, your past experiences in therapy, as well as who you want to be when our time together is done.
All of these questions help me (and you) understand you better. It is like putting 1 million puzzle pieces together to see the big picture. Therapy, in my opinion, should have clear goals so that we know precisely when it is time for you to graduate. No guessing games are involved.
Before diving into therapy, we get all the insurance things out of the way.
For therapy to succeed, you need to know exactly what to expect. That means also discussing the boring insurance stuff. If you wish to go through your insurance, I'll tell you everything you should be telling your insurance company so that the road will be smooth.
If you choose to work with me as an out-of-network therapist, I will also sort everything out before starting our sessions. It is essential that when we start sessions, there are no distractions. The ultimate goal is to get you in the headspace necessary to reach your therapy goals.
Expect to laugh (A LOT) in therapy.
I am absolutely NOT a nod and smile therapist. You will not get a blank slate or stare from me, and I won't be the therapist who repeatedly asks you, "How does that make you feel?"
We go deeper than that, and I bring in my authentic self. Some days I am loud. Some days I cackle. I happen to laugh A LOT, and yes, we'll have some belly laughs even while discussing anxiety, insomnia, marital struggles, and trauma.
I am an expert. I believe that laughter may help heal a broken heart. So even though we will be doing a lot of work, and tears will be shed, expect to laugh a lot. After all, laughter is the best medicine.
So there it is. Those are some of the elements you should expect when working with me in therapy in the Houston area. As a Black therapist in Houston, I pride myself on helping women of color and couples of color move from surviving to thriving. If you struggle and barely treading water, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. Because you absolutely deserve to wake up every day and enjoy your life
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
How to become an active listener in your marriage in 5 easy steps
One of the biggest struggles that I notice during marriage counseling, is that couples do a pretty poor job of listening to one another. In the moment, things get heated, and you realize you have no idea how to effectively listen to your spouse.
You see, when most people hear their spouse speaking, they are running through all of their possible responses - instead of listening to what their spouse has to say. If you struggle with poor communication in your marriage, here is a simple way to become a better active listener in your marriage. Better communication in marriage helps improve your closeness and intimacy.
One of the most prevalent concerns I see in Houston relationship therapy is couples that don't listen to one another. Things get heated at the moment, and you realize you have no idea how to listen to your partner correctly.
Better communication in marriage contributes to increased closeness and intimacy. When most people hear their spouse speak, they think about their possible responses rather than listening to what their spouse is saying. Here's a straightforward approach to improve communication in your marriage if you're having trouble improving your active listening skills.
Before we dive in, what exactly is active listening?
Most couples come to Christian marriage counseling in Houston saying they want a stronger connection. Active listening is listening intently to grasp better what your partner is saying. It helps create empathy and connection in a relationship.
On the other hand, passive listening is listening just because or listening while waiting for your spouse to stop talking so that you can finish up whatever you are saying.
Active listening helps improve intimacy and connection. Passive listening is self-serving and doesn't do anything to improve your relationship. And if you'd like to improve your communication in marriage, you want to become pretty good at active listening.
So, here are the steps to become a better active listener in your marriage or relationship.
1) Allow your spouse to speak without interruptions.
Listen without saying anything while your spouse is talking about something essential. All your energy should ensure you hear every last word. Focus on his body language gives you a little clue about how he feels. It's critical to fight the impulse to correct or defend yourself.
It seems easy, but it's pretty tricky, so I practice with my Couples counseling in Houston.
This seems easy, but it’s actually quite difficult- which is why I practice with my couples who are in marriage counseling.
2.)Repeat what you heard him say.
So often, when we are trying to listen to others, we pass what they are saying through our mental filter. Sometimes what we hear them say is not what they're saying.
It is when miscommunication and arguments happen in relationships. Instead of clarifying, we argue back and forth. To avoid arguments, after every sentence or 2, pause your spouse and repeat back what you heard him say.
If he agrees with you correctly, he can move on to the following sentence. If you misheard him, he gets to clarify. Please don't blame him for the wording. Focus on trying to understand him.
It is another crucial step when clients work with me during marriage counseling in Houston.
3) Suspend judgment and the need to defend yourself. Marriage is not war.
Marriage is not war. I say this all the time during marriage therapy in Houston. A healthy marriage comprises two partners who are willing to communicate and understand each other. To achieve that, you should benefit your spouse from the doubt. Expect and assume that your spouse only wants what is best for you and your marriage. Because marriage is not war, you do not have to defend yourself. So when your spouse is speaking, do not jump in to defend yourself. Take some deep breaths and try to get to the bottom of what he is trying to say. Make it about him- not you.
The best marriage counselors in Houston will let you know that preconceived assumptions can cause trouble in relationships.
4) Put your empathy hat on.
One thing Houston relationship therapist is: "Trying to understand why your spouse is feeling this way." Put your feelings aside and try to empathize with him. When you can empathize, lower your guard to come to a resolution with him. It involves teamwork. Remember that your spouse is your partner, and your joint enemy is disagreement. So work together to overcome it.
5) Respond appropriately by validating your spouse. It's a great way to have a peaceful marriage.
After you have spent time actively listening to your spouse, and It is done with his side of the story, it's time to validate him. Most Houston couples in therapy do not validate enough. They jump straight from talking about the issue to trying to fix it. But they miss a huge step. Validation is the key to repairing when there's a misunderstanding. Validation doesn't necessarily mean you agree with what your spouse is saying. Validation helps your spouse feel seen and increases connection.
After completing the above steps, you can talk about your side of the story. Hopefully, your partner will also follow the above steps.
What will active listening do for your marriage?
If you are ready to improve the communication in your marriage to form a much deeper connection with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me (I'm a Black marriage therapist in Houston seeing clients in Texas and throughout the Murrieta area). Remember, marriage isn't war.
About The Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
5 Romantic date ideas to rekindle the spark in your marriage
Dates are important in a marriage. They help refresh your memory about why you first fell in love with each other. Dates also cut through the boring, mundane day to day within your relationship or marriage. Dates help you escape everyday chores and responsibilities. For a few hours, you both can be wrapped up in each other’s worlds.
it is important that you continue to pursue one another. If not, things get stale.
And if the idea of planning a date scares you, just breathe. Dates should be tailored to the interests of you and your spouse. And these dates don’t have to be surprises either, simply plan them together to avoid disappointment.
Dates are important in a marriage. They help refresh your memory about why you fell in love with each other. Dates also cut through the dull, mundane couples therapy in Houston. It helps you escape everyday chores and responsibilities. You can be wrapped up in your world for a few hours.
You must continue to pursue one another. If not, things get stale.
And if the idea of planning a date scares you, breathe. Dates should tailor to the interests of you and your spouse. And these dates don't have to be surprised either; simply plan them together to avoid disappointment.
Here are five romantic date ideas that you and your spouse can try.
1) For food lovers: Take a culinary tour
This one is best for couples who are food. A great way to get to know other cultures is through their food. Find a mom-and-pop or traditional restaurant that serves some sort of exotic or unfamiliar cuisine.
If you're feeling particularly explorative, you can hit 2 or 3 different restaurants, hole-in-the-wall shops, or food trucks in 1 day- hence the title "culinary tour.".
A culinary tour can cover different regions of a single country or numerous countries' cuisine in a single day. Only an empty stomach and an open mind are required.
2) For travel lovers and Wanderers: Explore a city or country that you've both been itching to go to
You and your spouse can receive your passports and travel now that the crossings are reopened. Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?
If the thought of jet setting isn't an excellent idea for you, Houston relationship therapy starts by exploring a part of your city that you've never gotten a chance to explore. Or explore a nearby city or state. You learn so much more about each other when you're both wonderstruck.
Road trips, day trips, or staycations can help scratch the traveling itch. It can also have you feeling like you're a college kid again.
3) For art lovers: Do an art tour.
There are numerous things to do here. You can take a painting class together. You can explore pottery making and glassblowing; you can visit a museum. Spend time learning about your favourite artists.
This can spark some rich conversation.
4) For creatives: Get the juices flowing.
If you are creative, do something that feels out of the box. You can join a book club and engage in knowledge sharing. You can also go to an escape room and enjoy teamwork.
It can even involve watching a documentary that sparks some intellectual conversation.
Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?
5) For nature lovers: Go outside.
Go on a hike, take a botany class together. To learn how to make flower arrangements, go to the botanical gardens, the aquarium, or an animal shelter together.
Dates do not have to be cliche or boring. Try new things all the time and see the world together.
Couples counseling Houston helps married couples improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution if they want to learn how to communicate effectively with their husband or wife. Click to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?