Letter to the invisible, strong woman

You are the one who carries your entire family on your back. You wake up before everyone else, you ensure that everything is in place for your family.

You have tons of hopes and dreams, but you often put them aside to ensure that everyone else is well taken care of. But deep inside, you are tired of being the strong woman. You are tired of having to plaster a smile on your face every day. You struggle secretly, and no one around you knows.

You feel lonely. The people around you have no clue what you’re going through because you are the designated strong woman. You are the trouble shooter and the official problem solver. You’re the go to woman who holds everyone’s emotions in your hands.

You would love to have a day set aside where you can just plop yourself on the bed and sleep all day. You’d love it if people checked up on you as well- rather than assuming that all is well with you.

So, strong woman, here’s how you can move from invisible superhero to seen and human.

Allow people to see your humanity

Because you’re so used to being the go to person, chances are your loved ones don’t notice when you’re down. Here’s where vulnerability comes in. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or upset, tell someone you trust. I say this over and over again to my therapy clients. If people aren’t used to seeing that side of you, they’ll assume that you’re always fine- thereby perpetuating the cycle that your needs should go unmet. When I work with clients in may therapy office in Murrieta, this is a big part of our work- feeling comforting with vulnerability.

Ask your loved ones for help

When you are the super competent, responsible person, everyone around you assumes that you can handle everything. Know your limits and be willing to ask others to help you. This is another big part of my therapy or counseling process. This prevents burn out and the endless feeling of disappointment that comes when no one offers to help you out.

Asking for help could seem very difficult- after all you’re used to handling it all on your own. But its time, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief when you learn to delegate or outsource.

Start saying “No.”

It’s important to accept that you are not superwoman. And that’s not a bad thing. Although you are the go to person and you’re also very competent, please know that rest is just as productive as work. Sometimes you have to say “No” to others when they are asking for your assistance- so that you can invest more time in rest.

The truth is that when you are the super responsible person, people who could be competent, begin to slack off because they know you will take care of things for them. But when you begin a new pattern of encouraging others to take care of responsibilities themselves, you actually will have more time to focus on tasks that are important to you.

Talk to a therapist or counselor

Assertiveness practice is such a key part of my counseling practice in Murrieta. If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of invisibility and in the superwoman role, maybe it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. As a Black or African American therapist in Murrieta, CA, I help women who identify as the responsible ones, learn how to communicate their needs, get their needs met and also be seen as human and fallible.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can finally be seen and heard.

A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)

If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.

Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.

There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.

But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.

It starts with self-validation

In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.

For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.

Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.

Take stock of those you surround yourself with

On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?

Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.

Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.

Do a little social media/friend purge:

The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?

Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.

Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.

Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.

Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.

The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!

As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.

If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.

Finding understanding with difficult family members and loved ones

Being the odd one out within a family can be hard.

You try your best to blend in, but it always feels like a punch in the gut when you are reminded that you are different. You keep your opinions to yourself, but once in a while, your true self comes peeking through.

Unfortunately, your true self isn’t celebrated.

You feel like you are being pigeon holed. But you know that you don’t belong in a box. You want to be yourself and express yourself in your own unique way. Here are 4 ways to possibly find understanding from difficult family members.

1) Get realistic about what type of relationship you can have with family members

When you are the different one within your family, finding acceptance could feel like a losing game. You try really hard, but they still reject or misunderstand you. Take a moment to ask yourself what you want from that relationship. Are your wants actually realistic or would your entire family have to change who they are in order for you to get what you want?

Let go of the idea that you will be fully embraced by everyone. Chances are your entire family probably won’t change at once, so maybe you can change what you expect from them.

Your family and loved ones don’t have to share the same interests and hobbies as you. It’s even possible that they don’t completely understand you.

Accept that and move forward. Find commonalities if you can.

2) Stop arguing with family members

When you seek acceptance from others, sometimes you can get sucked into the trap of arguing back and forth with them. Sometimes we try to force others to understand our point of view.

It does you no good to try to force people to understand you.

As long as you understand your own values and your worth, it no longer will be so important for others to truly embrace your values.

Avoid hot button topics that trigger the unwelcome opinions of your family and loved ones. Stick to neutral topics, and that way your visits with them will be so much more pleasant.

In my therapy practice in Murrieta, CA, I teach my clients how to respond assertively, while navigating difficult family dynamics.

3) Validate yourself

No matter how strong or opinionated you are, it is definitely painful to not be accepted by the ones you love. Take some time to grieve the relationships that were lost and the strained relationships. Find people who see you and get you. Sometimes your friends can feel so much more comforting than your own family members.

Not all family has to be related to you by blood. Sometimes friends become like family.

Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by the opinions of others. Even if you are the odd one in the family, you are still deserving of love and acceptance.

Remind yourself of that when times get hard. If you struggle with this, counseling in Temecula can help.

4) Create healthy boundaries

Keeping healthy boundaries is the best way to survive a difficult or toxic family dynamic. The positive part is that you decide what boundaries to set.

If you are in the presence of a very contentious family member, keep conversations short, polite and to the point.

You also do not have to pick up every single phone call or respond to text messages immediately. When a text comes in, take a moment and think through it before responding.

Focus on 2 or 3 conversation topics and don’t accept the invite to debate on hot button topics. Know what occasions and family gatherings to skip.

If you do decide to attend family gatherings, know that you have the option of a short visit. Don’t punish yourself by showing up early and leaving late.

Although you don’t get to choose your family, you can decide how to maneuver your relationships so that you’re not feeling dreadful every time you interact with them.

If you are a woman in the Murrieta/Temecula area who is feeling tired and hurt by the rejection from a toxic family, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call, so you can learn how to manage anxiety, speak up for yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women find their voice, manage difficult relationships and learn how to show up authentically.

As a counselor in California, I see clients throughout California through my HIPAA compliant online office.

Generational curses: Fact or Fiction?

“I think my family is under a generational curse.”

This is a statement that I have heard over and over again. Sometimes people even go as far as to say that certain traits like anger, a loud tone of voice or impatience are part of the generational curse on their family.

When we believe that our parents’ traits (like a hot temper), is a curse, we resign to the idea that we are destined to repeat the cycles of the past.

Thereby creating a self fulfilling prophecy (You believe something will happen, therefore it actually does).

While I believe that parents and grandparents definitely pass down traits to their children, the good news is that we are not doomed by generational curses.

For more information on how families pass down various behaviors to one another, click here to learn more about the multigenerational transmission process.

“But Ibi, if we aren’t doomed by generational curses, then why is it that everyone in my family keeps repeating the same old mistakes?” Well, I’m glad you asked.

We often repeat behaviors we see when we were growing up for various reasons.

Let’s say when you were growing up, your dad always threw things to show his frustration. Then when your mom was frustrated, she yelled at you. You grow up believing that yelling and throwing things are appropriate ways to express your anger.

Perhaps you don’t know any other alternatives.

As you got older, not only did it become acceptable for you to cuss people out, scream and shout, your parents even encouraged you to do so- to show that you were “Strong.” Sometimes your parents actually praised you for having a hot temper. As you might know, praise tends to encourage behavior. So you continued in this pattern.

When you moved out of your neighborhood, you had to maintain this hot temper so that you were not taken advantage of. Eventually, you exhibited the hot temper at work. Your boss and coworkers are stunned at how quick you can flip, but you do not try to change your behavior- because your hot temper is a generational curse. You’ve resigned yourself to this.

Let’s look at it from another lens.

Breaking away from toxic family behaviors

Your upbringing was the same- dad threw things, mom yelled. You also became a yeller as you got older. However when you got to college, these behaviors became problematic for you. You began to struggle with professors, supervisors and other students.

You decide to seek help for your temper. Let’s say you seek out a licensed therapist. You learn different ways to communicate your feelings and help others understand what you need. You learn what your triggers are, set boundaries with loved ones and you learn to be more assertive- rather than aggressive.

Your life changes for the better

Very soon, you begin to thrive at work and your relationships blossom. Because you decided to take a step to break that generational curse, your kids won’t struggle with the same problem that you and your parents did.

Instead, they will inherit a legacy of clear communication, empathy and understanding. When they are upset, you teach them healthy communication tools, you listen to them, validate them and show them how to be assertive, rather than aggressive.

While your family of origin can influence your future, they do not have to determine it. You might have learned quite a lot of behaviors that served your parents well, but if those behaviors no longer serve you, you have the power to work on changing them.

Remember that!

Cheers to now being a generational curse breaker and stopping the cycle of toxicity in your family.

Seek help from a licensed therapist in Murrieta/Temecula

If you realize that you were raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to break the toxic family cycle, ditch anxiety and learn how to speak up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I provide therapy services of counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area. I also provide online counseling for California residents online.

You are a change maker.

Is your family toxic?

Our behavior and the way we show up in the world, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shaped us further into who we are.

But some people grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into them the way that they should.

When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.

I call the latter, “Toxic Families.” I am aware that the word ‘toxic’ does sound incredibly harsh, but I define toxicity as a pattern of behavior that feels emotionally damaging. I don’t use the word ‘toxic’ for run of the mill family arguments or simple disagreements. The word is reserved for an ongoing damaging pattern of behavior within families.

Please note that going around and calling people toxic will probably lead to lots of arguments and animosity. I simply use the word as a framework to help you understand the effects that these people could have on you.

With that being said, here are some signs that your family might be toxic.

Unnecessary competition

Families should ideally support one another, but in a toxic dynamic, family members compete with one another all the time. There is this idea that there isn’t enough room for everyone, so members must claw their way to the top. Because of this unnecessary competition, family members often put one another down, and the focus sometimes is on achievements, rather than the value of the person.

Invalidation

In a functional dynamic, family members allow one another to have and feel all of their emotions. But in a toxic environment, family members appear to pick and choose which emotions they think are okay.

In some families, happiness is the only emotion allowed. In others, expressing anger is okay, but sadness is frowned upon. If sadness is frowned upon, then family members learn how to stuff their emotions down and pretend like they don’t feel sad. Other times, their sadness will be expressed through anger.

When a brave family member begins to discuss his or her deepest fears, worries and sadness, often times, family members will respond with “Is that why you’re crying?” or “That’s not a good reason to cry.” or “Don’t be weak.” All this does is it shuts the doors to genuine human closeness.

Playing favorites

Because of the competitive nature of toxic families, there is usually only room for 1 golden child. Children learn from a young age that 1 sibling is the favorite and that they should either compete, or learn to accept being second class citizens. This often leads to jealousy and hurt among siblings. Sometimes parents will actually tell everyone that they have a favorite child. As the kids grow up, the favorite child still remains the favorite, while the other siblings harbor silent resentment or bitterness.

Lots of criticism and arguing

Family members typically enjoy criticizing one another because of the competition and lack of emotional depth between them. If you are not allowed to display deep emotions, your only choice becomes keeping things superficial. And superficial conversations typically revolve around things like money, clothing, the weather, TV shows and one’s looks. Because competition is so strong in these families, criticism becomes a way of life. They have to criticize one another so that 1 of them can successfully claw his/her way to the top.

Arguing also becomes a way of life because family members have never been taught how to listen and validate one another. When you can’t validate the experiences of others, you tend to argue in a bid to break them down or get them to think like you.

Secrets

Secrets tend to run rampant in these families.  Because they are not allowed to really be vulnerable with one another, things are hidden. The problem with this is that if something really bad (like abuse) happens, it’ll get swept under the rug. The issue with secrets is that they simply perpetuate the problem. The best way to break these cycles is to discuss them and work through them. In many toxic situations, when someone discusses a difficult topic, the other family members either invalidate them or bully them into silence.

People pleasing

Because everyone wants to be the golden child, family members often try to people please. There's little room for independent thoughts and group think is the norm. If you don’t think or agree with the others, you can be criticized or sometimes, even ostracized. And since no one wants to suffer these consequences, it’s a lot easier to just conform.

These are some of the dynamics that occur in toxic families. The great thing is you do not have to perpetuate the same patterns you were raised in. Once you have an awareness about toxicity, make it a point to do things differently.

• Validate people’s emotions.

• Create a loving environment for your family.

• Treat people equally.

• Work through some of the issues in therapy.

If you realize that you have been raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to finally let go of people pleasing, anxiety and find your voice, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. I’m a Black counselor in California who offers online therapy in California for women and couples.

You can break the cycle.

5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear

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Tips to Manage fear and anxiety during COVID-19

This year has definitely been a strange one. We started it celebrating the start of a new decade. I’m sure you had lots of hopes and dreams, vacation plans and all sorts of great goals. But then COVID-19 swooped in and attempted to take over our entire lives. We are currently in month 2 of social distancing. While that could sound bleak, it’s important to note that there is a lot of hope.

 For many, there has been quite a lot of anxiety and fear. After all, we aren’t used to staying away from our loved ones, wearing face masks and being in the middle of a global pandemic. If you are currently experiencing fear or anxiety, here are some tips to help you manage it.

Limit exposure to news and social media

The news is all around us, letting us know death counts, infection rates and giving us a minute by minute update. For some people, that information is helpful. But if you are already experiencing anxiety, a minute by minute update might not be what you need.

To help with this, watch the news in small doses. You don’t have to be glued to the TV 24/7. Just watch enough to be informed. Some people skip the news altogether. Do what works for you. But if you want to watch TV while skipping the news, you can watch a comedy show, a game show, an educational piece or even a cartoon. There are quite a lot of options out there.

Focus on what you can control

Social distancing is difficult. Let’s face it. We are not used to putting up such strong barriers to protect others from us or vice versa. Life used to be easy. We could just get into our cars and drive wherever we wanted, without even thinking about it. But lately we have to keep a physical distance from others and disinfect everything. While you might not have the answers to curing COVID-19, there is a lot you can control.

• You can control how often and how well you wash your hands.

• How you social distance.

• Your home environment.

• The memories you make within your home.

• How you react to this situation.

• The way you think about this situation.

• How you stay in contact with your loved ones (we might be physically distanced, but we can remain emotionally connected)

Take it day by day

When you struggle with anxiety, there is often a need to control the future. You worry about what the future holds and how you can prevent bad things from happening. Although you might not have the answers to COVID-19, take it one day at a time and focus on other things.

When you wake up in the morning, aim to make the best out of your day. Focus on getting through each day. And if getting through each day feels too long, focus on taking it minute by minute. Take care of your physical needs by scheduling sleep, adhering to a bedtime and wake up time and surround yourself with things you love. You can channel your energy into maintaining your space, work, crafts, connecting with loved ones and diving into your artistic side.

Protect your Kids

If you are a parent of young kids, it’s important to be mindful of what you say and watch around them. Kids don’t quite understand what they see and hear on TV. Watching death counts can be quite alarming to some kids. Ensure that you mix up your conversation. Although we might be in a pandemic, there are other topics to talk about. 

Engage with your kids like you used to before COVID-19. You can play with them, go on walks, have them help you around the house, and just be the loving parent that you are. Ensure that there is some semblance of structure to help them feel safe and secure. Kids will not remember all the fine details regarding the pandemic, but they’ll remember how they felt when they were in lockdown with you. 

Take care of yourself using positive coping

I always teach my clients the importance of having multiple coping skills in your tool box. Some coping skills that could help you manage anxiety during COVID-19 are deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness exercises, prayer, positive affirmations, deep breathing and body scans. And if you like apps, Calm is my very favorite. You can use it to guide you with some of these skills. Here are some additional amazing tips about healthy habits you can practice without even leaving your home.

Maintain close bonds with your loved ones

I’m so glad that we are living in a technology age. Can you imagine if we were social distancing without phones or the internet? Although you might not be able to see some of your loved ones, you can call, text and video chat. Use your imagination and make it fun. 

• You can watch movies together

• Have a game night

• Tea time

• Family cooking competition

• Bible study

• Prayer night

• Virtual workout sessions

Use your imagination and have fun with it!

There you have it. Some simple ways to manage your anxiety and fear during the pandemic. And if you are a woman who is struggling with anxiety or insomnia, I’m currently seeing clients from all over California virtually. Call me on 951-905-3181 to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can make anxiety and fear a thing of the past. You can also email me here.

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