The power of listening: Strengthening communication in Christian marriages

Why Listening is the Key to a Strong Christian Marriage

One of my favorite scriptures is James 1:19 which says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.“ Even though James was not exclusively speaking to a married audience, if we took this advice and implemented it in our marriages, things would look so different. Most people think that they are great listeners, but the truth is most of us are actually poor listeners. When you take your time, suspend judgment, temporarily put your emotions on the shelf, so that you can listen to your spouse, it helps him or her feel important.

When your spouse is offloading something important to you, or even talking about something that he thinks is small, if he knows he will be met with your full attention, and that you’d ask deeper questions about his experience, it increases intimacy, friendship and closeness.

Listening Mistakes

One of the biggest mistakes I see in marriage, is listening long enough to form a judgement and react, rather than listening to truly understand your spouse. This can feel disrespectful to your spouse. It means his point of view is so unimportant that it doesn’t even warrant some deep reflection on your part. You hear what he or she just said, you think on it for 5 milliseconds, then you proceed to state your point of view.

Another listening mistake I notice is responding without fully understanding what your spouse means. Without clarifying questions, you are only responding based off of a guess. But when you clarify, you’re responding off of facts.

But what would happen if you asked more questions? Like:

“Tell me more about what you were just saying.”

“How do you feel about [insert issue]?”

“How can I support you with this?”

“Is there more you want me to know?‘

“Do you feel understood by me? How can I bridge that gap for you?“

When you do all of this, your spouse learns to trust you more. The friendship expands and the emotional safety will also increase in your home.

The Biggest Communication Barriers in Christian Marriages (and How to Overcome Them)

Not Paying Attention

The first step in having good communication is knowing what the barriers are in your home. One big barrier to good communication with your spouse is not actually paying attention. I know this should not have to be stated, but we live in a world in which people look at and interact with their phones more than they interact with their loved ones. On the surface it might not seem like a big deal, but do a little time study. Notice how often you actually look at the face of your spouse versus how much time you spend staring at electronic devices.

Even if you think you are a great multitasker, when someone is speaking to you and you cannot give them your undivided attention, it sends the message that they are unimportant to you. Remove that barrier from your life.

Making Assumptions

Another barrier to great communication is making assumptions. Now, everyone does this. because when we hear a statement, we filter it through our own personalities, experiences and emotions. The only way to accurately know what someone means is to ask them what they mean. Don’t fall into the trap of using their nonverbal behavior to try to interpret their motives. This is a huge barrier to great communication.

Past Emotional Wounds

Barrier number three is emotional wounds which can block healthy dialogue. Perhaps you and your spouse have unhealed wounds which you have inflicted on another. So every time your spouse says something deep to you, you filter it through the lens of your pain. You assume that he will hurt you once again. The way to heal this is to actually discuss the wound, talk through it calmly, then identify how to move past it.

Misunderstanding Each Other

Another barrier to good communication is simple misunderstandings. If you are a highly sensitive person who is married to a non highly sensitive person (which is very likely), he might have a hard time understanding your nuances. And you might find your spouse a bit aloof or harsh. It's a simple fix. Your job is to teach your spouse what it feels like to be highly sensitive. Remember that his brain is wired completely differently from yours, so he interprets the world from his lens- as opposed to yours.

Help him better understand what it feels like to deeply process everything around you, to be so emotionally drained by the end of the day that your body feels exhausted, to spend so much time trying to filter out stimuli that bugs you (stimuli he will never even notice). Or to feel the emotions of others so strongly that you don’t know where you start and they end. Once he better understands your experience, he'll be able to be so much gentler than you. Do not be afraid to ask for what you need because a closed mouth does not get fed.

If it feels like too much of an ask to open up and talk to your spouse about what you need, then perhaps Christian marriage counseling in Houston is the right next step for you. It is my job as a marriage therapist to teach you skills to be able to ask for what you need, know how to listen deeply, strengthen the friendship and intimacy that you once had, and know what to do when persistent problems show up. You will learn to speak in his language and he in turn will speak in yours.

Hello happy, confident marriage!

How to Become a Better Listener (Even When You Feel Unheard)

Sometimes you have to take the lead when it feels like your marriage is in a pit. What I see most often is that in most married relationships, each person is waiting for the other to step up, and no one ends up stepping up. This leads to the marriage just imploding. But what would happen if one of you just decided to take the bull by the horns and do what needs to be done in your marriage?

Here’s how you can take the lead.

One of the ways to improve your listening skills is to take notes when your spouse is talking about something important. This might seem extremely odd, but think about it this way- when you're listening to an important podcast, a sermon, or a business meeting, do you not take notes? You do because you do not want to miss anything. So let your spouse know that you're taking notes because what he saying is very important to you.

Another step is to suspend judgment and emotions. There is room for you to form a conclusion and to have emotions, but when you are listening to your spouse, your job is to truly put yourself in his shoes so that you can understand his perspective. When you understand his perspective, it'll be much easier to come to a joint conclusion than if you were spending your time judging and feeling anger. So think of yourself as a court stenographer. Your job is to note the facts, and your personal opinion can be put on the shelf for now.

Focus on finding out more. Ask about more details, ask about how your spouse feels, the type of support that your spouse might need, whether or not your spouse feels like he needs an apology, ask about how you can make amends so that you can heal the wound, and really get to know what is in his head and on his heart. Let him know that you are here for him and you wish to make things better. When you do this he naturally will want to reciprocate and find out about your perspective. Do not forget to validate his feelings. Validation simply means accepting that his feelings are real. You do not have to agree with his feelings or even understand why he feels the way that he does. It is as simple as saying "I can see why you would feel that way.”

Great communication is based on empathy and patience. If your relationship is currently in a bad place, it might take a while for your spouse to even feel comfortable enough to open up to you and vice versa, but dig your heels in. As long as both of you are willing to work through things and learn how to communicate, things will get better. You will not master the skills in one day, but if you keep trying, things will improve. Please note that I write with the assumption that you are not in an abusive situation. My assumption is that both of you are healthy, and treat each other with love and respect.

As a Black therapist in Houston, one of the things that I do to help Christian couples is help you break away from the dysfunctional inter-generational wounds that have been passed down to you. Chances are you might have come from a family dynamic in which your parents did not always get along, or there was disrespect in the household. My job is to help you heal from that, but also grow away from that. This way you will be passing down intergenerational healing and effective communication skills to your children. You can maintain your cultural values while healing at the same time.

When Words Aren’t Enough: How to Show Your Spouse You’re Truly Listening

If you and your spouse already have a long history of poor communication, your actions have to speak louder than your words. So when your spouse is speaking, it is important not to interrupt him. Let him finish his sentence. Ask further questions so that he knows that you are interested. Eye contact is also important to let him know that he is the most important thing in the room. So put that phone away.

Turn off the TV and put away any other distractions that might be getting in the way. Apologize when you do something wrong and also speak up when you feel like you have been wronged- so that he can give you an apology too. Tone of voice is also important. You can say anything to your spouse, but if you say it in a mean way, chances are he will put a wall up or react negatively. So make sure that you are being gentle. Yes, both men and women need gentleness.

And when it is all said and done, hold hands or do some type of a gesture to help each other feel comforted. Make sure your mind doesn’t wander during an important conversation. If you didn't hear something he said, ask him to repeat himself. But let him know that you are asking so that you don't miss anything.

If you and your spouse are currently in a season where you're actively working to rebuild your marriage, remember that your faith can be a part of it. You can pray together every day as it is a way to not just connect with God, but to also connect with one another. Your Christian faith helps to remind you of your values. You can also commit to having a couples Bible study together. What better way to boost your faith than learning, teaching each other and having the Holy Spirit convict you as a couple? Find a joint activity that will remind you of the good old days. The goal is to rebuild trust and connection with one another.

Strengthen Your Marriage with Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

How professional guidance can transform the way you and your spouse communicate

The benefits of working with a Black therapist in Houston for culturally aligned counseling

The average couple waits for about six years after they realize they have a marital problem before they actually seek help. That is shocking. In six years you can complete both a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree. And if you hustle really badly, you might be in your first year of a PhD program.

In six years the newborn would have already started school. So that is a long time to waste. When you work with a Christian marriage counselor like me, I take all the guesswork out of marriage counseling. Chances are you have read blogs like this one, you have read books, listened to podcasts, prayed, fasted, talked to every friend that you have and you feel so frustrated- because your marriage is still failing.

Because I am a professional who is trained in marriage and relationship dynamics, I am able to see your blind spots. My job is to teach you good communication, how to strengthen your friendship, effective conflict management, how to make your life goals and dreams come true, and how to essentially revive your dying marriage. When you work with a Black therapist in Houston, the counseling is culturally aligned. You do not have to explain to me what your morals and values are. You can still continue to pass down your dreams to your children, and you have the comfort of knowing that you're receiving professional help from someone who looks like you.

Ready to improve communication in your Christian marriage? Schedule a free 15-minute consult for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.