Embracing Your Sensitivity: Allowing Yourself to Be Soft and Vulnerable in Marriage

The Power of Vulnerability: Why It’s Important for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

Let's first of all start with the word "Soft." Most people don’t love being called soft. Especially if you are a Black highly sensitive woman. Chances are that all of your life you've been told that you are too soft, you cry too much, you care too much, you think about things too much, you do too much, you are too much, or you are too sensitive. And so you've spent a good portion of your life trying to mask your true self. What is important is that we reclaim the word ‘soft,’ because soft is the reason why you are able to connect with people around you. Your softness is the reason why you can connect with your kids, why you’re trustworthy and why people feel safe around you.

It’s the same thing in marriage. If you always put a wall up or your armor on, your husband will never get to know the real you. As a Black therapist in Houston, I see this time and time again. If he doesn't get to know the real you, he'll have a hard time trusting you. Think about it this way- it is hard for you to trust a stranger. If you go to a store every day and you see the same cashier every day, without actually knowing details about her life, it is difficult for you to trust hr with important things. You might trust her to check out your groceries, but you most certainly wouldn't trust her to pick your kids up from school. Because you do not in fact know her.

In the same way, when your spouse barely knows who you are, it also makes it difficult for you to trust him, because there is no actual emotional intimacy in your marriage. Please note that emotional intimacy is different from sex. One of them is a physical act, and the other is the ability to peel off all the layers until your spouse knows you at your core. They definitely are interrelated.

When you are able to be vulnerable with your spouse, your connection deepens. Especially if you are a highly sensitive woman. Your friendship with your spouse will grow. It is important for your spouse to understand what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what your goals, cares, ambitions, irritations and more are. The more he knows, the more he is able to respond to and meet your needs.

How Sensitivity Can Be Your Strength in Relationships

To get to a place in which softness can be embraced, you first have to look at your view of sensitivity. If when you were growing up, sensitivity was something that was looked down upon, irritating to others or laughed at, then chances are you view your sensitivity as something negative. However, if your sensitivity was embraced, chances are you feel like being soft is a good thing.

But the thing about sensitivity is that it is not a disorder or anything negative. It is simply the way you were created. It is no different than someone being introverted versus another person being more extroverted. Neither is good or bad- they both have their place in society. The great thing about sensitivity is that there's so much strength within it. Because you are the one who notices nuances that most people miss. And you are the first person to notice when there is a problem. Even when others may notice the problem, they may not do anything about it because they're not deeply emotionally connected to the people and things around them. It is often the highly sensitive people who champion great causes and affect change because they feel the struggles of others so deeply that they have to do some thing in order to feel better living in the world that they do.

Sensitivity is a great tool to foster empathy and understanding in your marriage. Highly sensitive people are deep wells. They are the people who ask you “How are you doing?” But they did not expect to just hear “Fine.” They actually want to know how you’re truly doing and they will spend the time to listen to you, to encourage you or uplift you. Sensitivity allows for deeper connections, thereby making relationships more fulfilling.

The Fear of Being Too Soft: What’s Holding You Back from Vulnerability?

One of the common misconceptions about vulnerability is that it will create weakness and it is a path to getting hurt. However when we're talking about a marriage, the assumption is that you and your spouse love each other and you want what is best for one another. When couples come to me for marriage counseling in Houston, their main struggle is that they feel like they have drifted apart and that they are not as close as they used to be. In this case, vulnerability is what they need. If you're highly sensitive, vulnerability is exactly what you want in your marriage.

When both of you learn how to truly communicate with one another, how to listen to one another, how to manage conflict effectively and how to strengthen the friendship in your marriage, then you probably will not be getting hurt so much. In this case, vulnerability will actually help you get a lot closer to one another. As we work on self compassion as well as compassion for one another, as we build trust in the marriage, then vulnerability will become so much easier. It's really about putting away the fear of being too soft and leaning into being very connected to spouse. And these are the skills I teach during Christian marriage counseling.

Practical Ways to Open Up and Embrace Softness in Your Marriage

Vulnerability starts with feeling safe enough to open up to your spouse. If you're not feeling emotionally safe enough to be open to your spouse, then perhaps marriage counseling in Houston is where you need to start. Because it is important that I do not set you up for failure. Sometimes a professional third-party is who you need to get the ball rolling.

But if you do feel emotionally safe enough to open up to your spouse, start with expressing your emotions gently. You can even start with expressing something as simple as joy, gratitude or excitement. Start that way and see how your spouse responds. If he gives you a lackluster response, you can coach him a little bit about what response would lighten up your heart. Help him know that you're trying something new by trying to be more vulnerable so that you can create more intimacy, friendship and trust in your marriage.

Another way to invite vulnerability into your marriage is by sharing your needs. Sometimes as a highly sensitive person, you're so used to meeting the needs of other people, that you don't even know what you need. Get a notebook and sit down every night with it. Ask yourself “If someone were to grant me one wish that would change my marriage, what would it be?” Is it to sit and go over the day with your spouse each night? Is it to go on regular dates with your spouse? Is it a hug or a kiss? Is it to work together as a team to tackle domestic work or chip away at your long-term goals? Write it down and share it with him.

Be easy on yourself. Because this is something that you're not used to, it might feel difficult at first. Practice makes things better. And remind yourself that your spouse might not be used to you being open in your marriage. His response might be puzzling at first. Again, let him know that you're trying something different and you want a gentle reaction. Give him a few examples of what gentle means to you. Because we are all different.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Embrace Vulnerability in Your Marriage

My job as a marriage counselor in Houston is to help highly sensitive individuals learn how to embrace their softness and vulnerability in marriage. In a strong marriage, you get to be yourself. You get to be as soft as you really are, you get to be as introverted or extroverted as you really are and you do not need to wear a mask. My job as a couples therapist is to show you how to create a safe space in your marriage, so that you always feel comfortable peeling off the layers, letting your spouse know how you feel and what you need.

And of course it is a two-way street. So the goal is for you to also create a safe space so that your spouse can feel safe enough to open up, show you who he really is, so that you can grow the friendship in your relationship, know what to do when conflict shows up, and share life's goals and dreams together. Without vulnerability there is no healthy marriage. Without vulnerability, all we have are two roommates pretending to be married.

During our Christian marriage counseling sessions, you will learn how to establish trust, how to speak to your spouse in a way that he can listen, how to listen deeply to your spouse, how to meet each other's needs, as well as what to do when things go south. Because your marriage is not going to be perfect, but both of you can work together as a team to make sure that the marriage is good.

If you're ready to embrace vulnerability and build a stronger emotional connection in your marriage, reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling. Together, we'll help you navigate your high sensitivity and strengthen your bond. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for virtual marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.