How your therapist is really feeling

Today’s blog post is going to be a bit different. We are living in pretty strange times. None of us has ever been through a pandemic. None of us has ever had to distance ourselves from our loved ones. None of us has had to walk around with face masks and hand sanitizer.

We’ve never done this before.

And so I want to have a heart to heart with you. I want to take off my therapist hat for a moment and put on my human hat. My citizen hat.

As a therapist, it is my job to hold space for my clients. I go into the dark spaces, they tell me things they’ve never told anyone, we create amazing transformation! I always have my clients’ best interests at the forefront of my mind. From my website, to the way my phone is answered, to my emails, to my gorgeous mental health spa (my office), I pride myself in giving my clients a top notch experience. Everything has been curated especially for my clients.

Everything I do is to ensure that my clients have a beautiful, one of a kind experience. Working with me is a whole mood in itself.

I don’t provide cookie cutter service at all, because I know each individual I work with is unique. For some people, I provide Christian counseling- we integrate scripture and faith into the details of the work we do.

Yes, prayer and Jesus are allowed in my therapy office.

For others, I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBTI), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I use my expertise to help you knock anxiety down, finally say goodbye to insomnia or help repair your marriage.

And my loud, loud laughter often echoes through the office while we are in session. My clients know exactly what I mean.

But in this season, things have changed.

Things look different. My mental health spa office is no longer open for clients to sit in. I’ve had lots of people tell me how much they miss my soft blue microfiber couch, my assorted teas, my sound machine and the smell of lemongrass.

Oh, the smell of lemongrass.

Lean in, let me tell you a secret. I miss those things too.

I’m now solely seeing clients online. Although I’ve always offered online counseling services for people throughout Calfornia, this is the first time that I’ve had to practice 100 percent online.

It’s challenging. For you AND for me.

But you know what remains the same? Our resiliency. Your resiliency. Over the years I’ve worked with some amazing people and I’ve seen how truly strong the human spirit can be.

I’ve seen people rise from the impossible. I’ve seen chronic insomniacs finally sleep well after 10 years of angst. I’ve seen people who were in the pit of anxiety, finally take control of their own lives, ditch people pleasing, walk a little bit taller and use their big girl voices again!

I’ve seen couples who practically hate each other, finally hold hands again, giggle like high school kids and fight for their love after going through couples counseling.

I’ve seen people heal from trauma, after putting in so much work while sitting on my soft blue microfiber therapy couch.

But something remains the same.

• I still have my therapist’s heart. I am still committed to helping my clients fight anxiety and insomnia.

• I am still committed to making therapy feel like an entire mood (my clients know what that means).

• I still have my unusually loud, echoey laugh.

• I still provide individualized counseling or therapy services for people in the Temecula/Murrieta area. Actually I’ve always provided online therapy for women throughout California.

• I am still here to walk into the dark, scary spaces and help you reach the light.

• I am still here to pray with you when you want that.

• I am still here with all my knowledge, expertise and experience.

• I can still give you homework, make you think deeper than ever and push you so that you can flex those emotional muscles.

• I am still here to provide you with what you need. Although this pandemic has created some unique circumstances, technology allows me to continue to provide therapy services using a secure platform.

If you are a woman in California, struggling with anxiety or insomnia, don’t wait until things seem normal to reach out. Reach out now. Your future self will thank you.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who is committed to helping women of color, find generational healing and finally feel comfortable using their voice. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.

I also provide online counseling in California to all California residents.

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What you don't know about insurance and therapy

Perhaps you have done your research, and you’re ready to begin therapy. There are lots of decisions to make: What therapist to choose, when to begin therapy, what questions to ask the therapist, what to focus on in therapy and whether or not to use your insurance. It’s a tough call. But before you make the decision, let’s talk a bit about the insurance piece.

Here are 6 things you should know before you make the decision about whether or not to use your health insurance when you go to therapy. Of course for many, it’s a no brainer. After all, why would you want to pay for health insurance each month and opt not to use it when you’re seeking therapy services?

Now, before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not for or against insurance. It’s important that you make an informed decision and that you do what is right for your specific situation.

Okay, here it goes:

1) Your insurance doesn’t always pay your therapist’s full fee

Typically, when you go to a therapist’s website in the Murrieta/Temecula area, you might see a tab on the site that says “Insurance and fees” or “Rates.” It’s important to note that many insurance companies do not actually pay your therapist their full fee. Some reimburse very poorly, and others are more generous. Sometimes you’ll have to pay a co-pay in order to see your therapist. Other times you’ll be responsible for the difference. So for example, if your therapist, psychologist or counselor charges $100 per session, and insurance only reimburses the therapist $85, you’ll be responsible to pay the leftover bill of $15.

It’s important to call your insurance company before beginning therapy or counseling services in Murrieta/Temecula so that you are able to budget appropriately. So for example, let’s say your therapist’s full fee is $100 per session, the insurance company makes a judgment call about how much to pay the therapist. Many times it’s not based on your therapist’s educational background, training and experience. There is typically an arbitrary ‘Usual and customary rate.’ The insurance company can choose to reimburse the therapist as little as $30 for a session or if they are generous, they might pay the therapist more. They decide the therapist’s worth.

2) Your information is not always confidential

When you use your health insurance, ask the insurance company exactly what type of information will be collected from your therapist. Usually your insurance company will want to know when you came to session, what type of session you were in (couples, family or individual) and how long the session was (30 minutes, 45 minutes, 50 minutes or more).

Other insurance companies want a treatment plan (a specific written down plan of what goals you’ll be working on in session and how long it’ll take to complete the goals). Sometimes they want to know how exactly the therapist plans to help you reach your goal.

Still, some other insurance companies ask for more specific information about your sessions. Some might at some point ask to see the therapist’s notes or perhaps their initial assessment note. To protect your privacy, ensure that you have a good understanding of the information that is passed between the therapist and the insurance company, so that only what you’re comfortable with gets shared.

3) Your insurance company typically requires a diagnosis

Most insurance companies require a mental health diagnosis before they can pay for your sessions. This means your therapist has to diagnose you with a mental health condition in order for the services to be paid for. As a consumer of services you can ask your therapist, psychologist or counselor what he or she has diagnosed you with. Sometimes your diagnosis changes as you work longer with your therapist. These are all discussions that you can have with your therapist.

Some insurance companies will only pay for ‘Mild’ diagnoses, while others only pay for ‘Moderate to severe’ diagnoses. This mental health diagnosis becomes a part of your permanent record, so it’s important that you remain informed about this so that it doesn't affect you in the future.

Some people choose not to go the insurance route because they do not want to have a diagnosis on their record because of the nature of the work they do or because of work they might do in the future. Others choose not to have a diagnosis for other personal reasons. Neither is wrong or right. You pick which works for you.

4) They determine the type and number of sessions

Your insurance company usually decides how many sessions you need, the types of sessions you can utilize, as well as how long these sessions are. For example. they can decide that you only get 6 45-minute sessions. Now some insurance companies are flexible and if the therapist is able to put in a good justification for additional services, they’ll cover it. And with other insurance companies, you simply get what you get.

Some insurance companies are very generous and they’ll pay for 6 months, 1 year or even many years worth of therapy. The struggle with this is that the insurance company often has the power over what your treatment could look like. It’s important to be informed about how many sessions you can have so that your mental health care isn’t abruptly cut short.

5) Your therapist’s job doesn't stop after your session is over

When you use your insurance to cover therapy sessions, typically your therapist is spending time on the phone with your insurance company, sometimes going back and forth with them. Sometimes faxes are sent back and forth and additional paperwork has to be sent. So when you go into session, your therapist most definitely spends much more time than the 30 to 60 minutes you spend sitting in their office. However, insurance companies only pay therapists for the face to face time they spend with you.

6) Insurance doesn’t always pay for tele therapy or couples therapy

As life gets busy, some people prefer online therapy. And if you live in the Temecula area, you know that traffic gets a lot heavier at certain times of the morning and evening. To prevent sitting in traffic, many people prefer online therapy or counseling. As a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, my license allows me to see clients all over California. So you can sit in your home in Orange County or Los Angeles, log in to my online portal from your phone, tablet or laptop and participate in therapy from the comfort of your home or office. Some people even sit in their parked car and log into their counseling session.

Well, it’s important to first check with your insurance company. More and more insurance panels understand the benefits of online or distance therapy- especially in large cities in California. But some have still not moved with the times. Some will only cover phone sessions, while others only cover sessions when you drive to the therapist’s office.

Another type of therapy that is often not covered by insurance is couples or marriage counseling. Although the divorce rates are sky rocketing each day and more and more couples are open to speaking to a therapist to improve their relationship, not all insurance companies are willing to cover couples therapy. It’ll be important to check with your insurance company to see if they will be willing to help you out with the cost of therapy.

Are there any of the above points that took you by surprise? Comment below.

And if you’re ready to get rid of your anxiety or insomnia or begin marriage counseling in Murrieta, click here for your free 15-minute consultation call. I also provide therapy services online for people who live throughout California.

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Is your family toxic?

You hear about it all the time: “He’s toxic” or “She’s toxic.” But did you know that your own family members might actually be toxic and they can be causing you deep emotional pain? Well, here are 5 possible traits that could hint that your family members are toxic:

They keep Secrets and tell lots of lies

I always say that secrets and lies breed shame and trauma. If your family members typically keep things hush hush, they could inadvertently be creating a toxic environment for you and everyone else. Now does that mean that your family should always air their dirty laundry in public? Well, no. But what I mean by secrets and lies is that toxic families often hide wrongs. So for example, if a family members reports that he or she was disrespected or hurt in some way by another family member, rather than do the right thing and bring the offending family member to justice, the reporting family member will usually be punished for coming forward. Toxic family members often avoid important discussions and sacrifice the victim- so to speak.

Many families cover up things like abuse by shaming the victim or even making the victim of such abuse feel as if he or she is lying. Sometimes they’ll create alternative realities and make it seem as if a situation never happened. In this situation, the perpetrator of such abuse is protected- allowing him or her to continue to inflict harm on other family members. Sometimes families even hide things like illnesses because they believe it will bring shame upon the family. What this does is that it doesn't allow for the family to come together to help a struggling family member.

They do not validate your feelings

Toxic family members are pretty good at invalidating you. When you’re experiencing anger, sadness, happiness or frustration, they have a way of making you feel as if your feelings are not valid. Sometimes they even go as far as to telling you that you are not supposed to feel this way. In a healthy family dynamic, all of your emotions should be accepted and tolerated- even if your family members don’t understand why you feel that way.

For example, if something difficult is happening and you happen to be sad about it, the supportive thing to do is to allow you to have your feelings and talk to you about how you want to be supported. But in a toxic family dynamic, some emotions are not accepted, which leads to isolation, shame and sadness.

They are controlling

In toxic families, there are usually a few powerful people who like to control what everybody else should say do, think and sometimes, even wear. People in the family do not feel free and totally accepted, because there’s always going to be someone around the corner telling them what to do and how to act. It often feels like they are always being watched or judged. Being in a toxic family dynamic could feel isolating because sometimes family members appear close and united from the outside looking in, but for those who are actually in the family, there is truly no real closeness going on.

Typically there is lots of gossip (a form of bonding in many toxic families), shaming others and trying to force other family members to maintain the facade that maintains the family’s reputation. Individual family members often feel judged and suffocated because sometimes, everyone is involved in everyone else’s business.

Double standards

Toxic families often have scapegoats and golden children. There is always one person who can do no wrong (the golden child), and another person who bears the brunt of everyone’s anger and disappointment (the scapegoat). Grudges could be held for years, and it often feels like your sins are always being tallied or used as ammunition against you. One family member could be allowed to comport himself in one way, but if another person does the exact same thing, it is frowned upon. This could be very difficult, as the rules are always shifting as the days go by. This creates a sense of instability among individual family members. This is why toxic families often have lots of quarrels and fights. Eventually 1 person rebels and decides to break free from this difficult dynamic.

Undue jealousy and competition

Because of the double standards, everyone is competing to become the favorite. Although the family looks united to everyone else, everyone is vying to become the golden child. Sometimes there is even sabotage among family members so that they can save face or look better. Because toxic families often do not have room to love everyone equally, family members have to claw their way to the top spot. And even when they find themselves at the top spot, they have to continue to fight so that they do not lose it.

Rather than working together as a team and ensuring that everyone wins, there is a desire to look better and ‘one up’ one another, so there is fierce competition. This is where put downs, shaming and jealousy come in, They often feel better about themselves if they make other family members look bad. It’s difficult to find true connection, because everyone knows that they could be trend against at any time.

There are many more characteristics of toxic families that I did not talk about in this blog post. But typically, family members feel a sense of anxiety and sometimes even despair. In another blog post, I’ll address some ways to break free from this toxic family dynamic so that you don’t continue the cycle in the next generation.

If you are struggling to break free from a toxic family and you want to work on the anxiety or depression that your family upbringing has caused you, you can click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation. You can also call 951-905-3181. Although your family of origin might be toxic, you get to make the change and ensure that your kids, friends and loved ones are not victims of the same toxicity you were raised in. I provide therapy and counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area as well as online throughout California.

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What does a therapist actually do?

Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist, but you’re not sure if it’s the right move for you? Maybe your family has told you that you shouldn’t tell your business in public. Or your friends have said to you, “Seeing a therapist is a waste of money.”

Well today, I’m going to talk a little bit about what we do as therapists and how a therapy session is different than just talking to your friends and family. And here are a few things you should know about the relationship between a therapist and a client.

1. Your therapist is not your friend

   It’s first of all important to understand that your therapist is really different from your friends. Your friends might hold back because they feel obligated to just nod and smile. But your therapist understands that you are here in session to grow and change. We are able to tell you truths that your friends are too scared to talk about, but we do it in a way that doesn’t hurt you.

   Sometimes your friends and family members don’t have the insight that we have as therapists and because they are too emotionally invested in you, they aren’t able to see clearly enough to help you through your struggles. As therapists, we are typically able to put our feelings aside at the appropriate moments so that we can get you to your goal.

2. Your therapist can help you with your trauma

   There are many therapists who specialize in treating trauma. Because of our years of training, we are able to help you to talk about, think about and work through traumatic events in your life so that those memories no longer control you. We understand that sometimes, difficult events from your past change you in a deeply personal way.

   While your friends might not be able to understand trauma, or you might not even feel comfortable discussing such personal events with friends and family, your therapist allows you to discuss the darkest parts of your life and we show you how to work through that darkness so that it no longer consumes you. By the way, it’s actually possible to work through trauma without discussing every single detail of your trauma. With our training, we are careful not to blame you, re-traumatize you or make you feel invalidated. We know how sensitive trauma is, and we take great care not to cause you any more harm.

3. Your therapist can help you manage difficult family dynamics

   Not everyone is born into the perfect cookie cutter family. Maybe your family members argue all the time, yell at you and have caused deep pain. Even as an adult, sometimes it’s difficult to maneuver an unsupportive family. Your therapist can teach you how to find support and ways to be assertive- even when your family isn’t giving you what you need. We help you work through the pain that comes from a difficult family and we show you how to grow- even if your family members decide to never change their ways. This is great news. You don’t have to be stuck in life because of your family of origin.

4. Your therapist can help you sleep

   Did you know that your therapist can actually teach your strategies to help you get over insomnia? It’s the best kept secret. There is a treatment called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia (CBT I or CBTI). It’s a 5 to 7 session treatment that shows you how to change your sleep patterns so that you can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. Not every therapist or physician knows about this treatment. But a few therapists who are specially trained are able to help you get rid of insomnia, get off sleeping pills (with supervision from your prescribing physician) and finally stop dreading nighttime. I happen to be a CBTi therapist. Click here to find out more about this insomnia treatment.

5. Your therapist can help you find your voice again

   This is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes you find yourself going through the motions and you’re unsure if this is the type of life you want to live. You get stuck in the role of people pleaser and you just want to be able to speak your mind. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past by overzealous, angry people or you’re scared that you’ll hurt people’s feelings if you speak up.

   A great therapist can help you understand why you feel the need to people please, he or she can help you learn solid communication skills so that you know how to effectively tell people what you need, and a great therapist can also teach you how to handle negative feedback appropriately. Who knew that therapists could help you with communication?

6. Your therapist can help you understand yourself better

   One group of people I love to work with are highly sensitive introverts. What’s a Highly Sensitive Person? Click here to find out more about Highly Sensitive People. In summary, HSPs are able to notice little nuances in the environment that others don’t notice, they sometimes say they feel the emotions of others easily, they take some time to observe their environment before jumping in and they tend to need more time than most people to recharge after socializing with others. Being a HSP isn’t a disorder or an illness. It’s simply a trait like brown hair or blue eyes. A trained therapist can help you figure out how to enjoy your life- even as a HSP.

   Even if you’re not a HSP, your therapist can help you better understand why you do the things that you do, feel the things that you feel and why you are who you are. When you understand how you environment and temperament affect your decisions, it helps you maneuver life so much easier.

   Will you ever be willing to see a therapist? As you can see, we do so much more than just nodding and validating your feelings. Depending on the theoretical orientation of the therapist, we could help you understand yourself better, maneuver a difficult family or life situation, manage anxiety, depression and trauma, and we can really help you reach personal goals.

   If you are ready to manage your anxiety, insomnia or improve your relationship, click here to request a free 15-minute phone consultation with me- a therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area. It’s time to finally overcome anxiety, get the sleep you deserve and improve your relationship.

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