Balancing Sensitivity and Assertiveness: Tips for Highly Sensitive People

Speak Up Without Shutting Down: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Find Their Assertive Voice

One of the difficulties of high sensitivity is being able to communicate effectively and assertively when you are feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes you find that it is much easier for you to write out your thoughts than actually speaking them out loud. But that's OK because we all process differently. The good thing about high sensitivity is that there's really nothing that you need to fix about yourself, you just have to learn how to live with your trait. Once you learn how to live with your trait, your relationships can blossom.

Sometimes when you do try to assert yourself in your personal relationships, you either feel overwhelmed or you think you are being mean. But remember, assertiveness simply means that you are talking to someone with the assumption that both of you matter. This means that your needs deserve to be met and so do theirs. Aggressiveness or meanness, means approaching a relationship with the assumption that the other persons needs do not matter.

A great way of remedying this situation, is to take a short time out when you feel overwhelmed, Rather than trying to push the big emotions away, take a break and lean into them. Notice the emotions welling up in your body. Acknowledge them and let them be there until they are ready to simmer down. Don’t try to fix the situation while still feeling overwhelmed.

The next step is to find an activity to take your mind off the situation. It could be going outside and noticing the passersby, writing, working out, praying, music, singing or spending time alone. Do whatever soothes you. Once you feel adequately soothed, you can now spend some time figuring out why you feel the way that you do and how you want to communicate your needs verbally. If it helps to write it out first, then do so. If it helps to practice what you’re going to say in your head or out loud, then do so. This could give you the confidence you need.

And if you just get stuck in the chronic cycle of shutting down, enter Brainspotting therapy in Houston. This is a great way to help you get unstuck and break habits that have not been serving you well. Brainspotting therapy in Houston can help you uncover the root of people pleasing and also help you build the confidence that you need to speak up assertively. Because if you have not uprooted people pleasing, speaking assertively will be very difficult for you.

How to Be Both Empathetic and Assertive in Your Relationships (Yes, You Can Do Both!)

Yes, it is actually possible to be empathetic and assertive at the same time. Because the root of assertiveness lies in the idea that both people in the relationship are important. And empathy is really about understanding the other person’s point of view and emotions. To be assertive means that you were able to take the other person into consideration, honor their emotions and state your point of view to get your needs met.

Before trying to be assertive with someone, ensure that you are not in an emotionally overwhelmed state. It is OK if you take some time to breathe and gather your thoughts. You might also want to practice your statement a few times before actually saying it to them. This ensures that you'll be able to discuss it in a clearheaded and confident manner. Ask yourself what outcome you are looking to achieve. And that will determine exactly what to say and how to say it. Remember to state what you have to say calmly and confidently. You might want to ask them to give you some time to talk without them interrupting you (to reduce feelings of overwhelm). And if you feel like past traumas or fears are preventing you from standing up for yourself, consider Brainspotting therapy in Houston. It is a great way to quickly uproot difficult emotional blocks that are keeping you stuck and preventing you from being the assertiveness boss lady that you know you can be.

Empathy is helping people also respect you and your feelings. We do others a disservice when we cater to them uneccesraily. The kind thing to do is show them how to share space with you by assertively speaking up when you do have soothing to say.

Here’s a quick formula to help you with assertiveness.

“I feel [insert feeling word] about [identify the situation]. And here’s what I need [include your direct and specific needs here].”

For example:

“ I feel upset about not being included in the planning. What I need is an invite to the planning committee.”

“I feel disrespected when you stare at your phone when speaking to me. What I need is eye contact when I am speaking to you.”

Setting Boundaries with Love: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Assert Themselves Without Guilt

When you are thinking about setting clear boundaries with others, remember your why. Give yourself one or two reasons why these boundaries are actually important to you. What do you have to gain from setting these boundaries? What will you lose if you refuse to set the boundary? What part of your life is not working well because you have refused to set boundaries?

You might even want to write this down on an index card or on your phone so that you can constantly remind yourself about the importance of boundary setting. For most people, lack of boundary setting can lead to people pleasing, frustration, and a breakdown in the relationship. You might even feel that you're constantly being used by the other person with nothing to gain on your part. Once you know exactly why boundary setting is important, it is a lot easier to finally set better boundaries. And ensure that when you want to set the boundary, you actually create rules that you are able to keep.

Start small, be firm, yet loving. Remember that when you set boundaries, it actually helps the other person respect you more. And respectful relationships are healthy relationships.

Here’s the simple formula again. First address your emotions, then say what led to the emotions. Finally, ask for what you need.

“I feel disrespected because you did not invite me to the dinner with the team. What I would like is to be included in team meetings and dinners.” It’s simple and straight to the point.

Here’s another example.

“I feel tired from working all day. I would like to stay home instead of go out tonight.”

To take the guilt away, remind yourself that healthy assertive boundaries help people respect you and also understand your needs. Assertiveness teaches others how to treat us so that we don’t feel stepped on.

From Overwhelmed to Empowered: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Master Assertive Communication

High performing women can quickly fall into the trap of constantly being overwhelmed by taking on the responsibility of others and creating mile long to do lists. High-performing women also struggle with asking for help and delegating when they do need it. And because of the elements of people pleasing, highly sensitive high-performing women sometimes struggle in silence while appearing to look competent.

Because you look so competent and you always seem to figure things out, nobody knows that you are struggling and so nobody comes to your aid. But when you have mastered the art of assertive communication, people tend to see you as human as opposed to a superwoman.

Instead of beginning your boundary setting journey with tough conversations, begin to practice outsourcing tasks to other people. You do not have to lead with “I am overwhelmed.” Simply look around and begin to take some things off your plate. This communicates to others that you need help just like everybody else. And sometimes when these conversations feel too tough for you, remember your why.

Remember how your shoulders feel like they are breaking and ask yourself what will happen to you if you don't actually do this. If this feels too hard to do on your own, then Brainspotting therapy in Houston can help. It can help you better communicate your needs so that you can build stronger relationships through assertive communication.

Why Assertiveness Is the Key to Healthy Relationships (and How Brainspotting Can Help)

Sometimes you feel like your needs are never met in your friendships. Everyone gets what they want, but no one even remembers to check up on you. Well, in this case, it might be because you are not speaking up. Consider that people might not know what you need, unless you actually tell them what you need.

But because you have such a great poker face, you tend to look like everything is alright- when it’s not. Assertiveness is a great way to know whether or not your friends are safe. If your needs go unmet because you never told your loved ones what you need, we can argue that they don’t know your needs. However, if your needs are going unmet despite telling them what you need- that’s different story,

Assertiveness helps build vulnerability, connection and trust. When you can tell people what you need clearly, it allows them to bless you by serving you, checking up on you and providing emotional safety. If you struggle with people pleasing or being direct with people brainspotting therapy in Houston could help. It could help you heal trauma that may be blocking your ability to stand up for yourself and create healthier, more balanced relationships.

And my favorite thing about brainspotting is that it’s quite gentle on your brain.

Struggling to balance sensitivity and assertiveness in your relationships? You’re not alone. As a trauma therapist in Houston specializing in working with high-performing, highly sensitive women, I use brainspotting therapy to help you overcome the fear of speaking up, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger relationships. Whether you’re seeking a Black therapist in Houston or need trauma therapy in Houston, virtual sessions are available. Book your free 15-minute consultation session today and start your journey toward empowered relationships!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to Manage Overwhelm: Strategies for Highly Sensitive People

Overwhelmed by Everyone’s Needs? How to Manage Relationship Stress as a Highly Sensitive Woman

As a highly sensitive person, because you are so in tune with the feelings of others and you care so much about what happens to people around you, you might find yourself constantly tending to their emotional needs. And when people feel the level of warmth and empathy that you bring to the table, they keep coming to you to continue to fill their emotional needs. And although this is a great way to connect with others, and you do enjoy helping people (because the skill comes so easily to you), the problem is you run the risk of pouring continuously into other people without getting your own emotional needs met.

And what happens overtime is that your emotional well dries out. The good thing is that there are many strategies that you can utilize to ensure that you continue to be a caring person, while getting your needs met.

• Ask for what you need: Feel free to ask the people around you for your needs. If you need help, ask for it. Because if you keep pouring into others without receiving, you will be burned out.

• Take a break: Even though you enjoy spending time helping others, note when you bandwidth is depleted and take a step back. You can’t serve people all the time.

• Know your limit: You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Play to your strengths and let others do the rest, You can’t stretch yourself too thin.

• Balance your hobbies with your responsibilities: Each week, spend some time looking at your calendar to ensure that you include some hobbies or at least some downtime. Actually put it in, or else it won’t happen.

If the above feels like too much, brainspotting therapy can help you get unstuck. It’s an effective way of helping you break away from difficult habits that have been stubborn to break.

How to Say ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty: Boundaries for Highly Sensitive Overachievers

Because you are so in tune with the feelings of others, you might feel like a bad person when it is time to turn somebody away. After all, you might think “What is the harm in helping them? If I know I can help them, why can't I just do that every time they call me?” The problem with this is that if every time somebody called you for help, you actually run to them, you would be helping people all day, therefore leaving yourself drained.

It is even more difficult to set boundaries when you are a high-performing woman. Because a part of you is excited and feels fulfilled when you check those tasks off your to do list. Work is actually quite enjoyable to you. And because you're quite capable of helping other people emotionally, coupled with being so great at your job, you feel extremely guilty when you have to say no or turn somebody down.

But when you constantly say “Yes,” you gain the reputation of the super responsible woman. People automatically run to you when there is a problem – even at work. And over time, you begin to resent those around you, because you wonder why all the competent people around you seem to outsource their problems and their work to you. It is because you have created a monster.

Before you say “Yes” to someone, give yourself a 24-hour window to think it through. Ask yourself if you have the bandwidth to be able to help them in this season. Think about all the other responsibilities you have. Will you be able to help them and carry out your responsibilities without burnout? Will helping them bring long-standing joy and peace for you? Just because you can help someone does not mean you should always jump in to help them.

Think about it this way: If you do not allow people to learn how to work through things, you rob them of the process of actually learning how to work through things. If you are involved in healthy work and personal relationships, then it is possible to say “No” sometimes without negative repercussions. You can prioritize your self-care without damaging your relationship.

This is where Brainspotting therapy comes in with my clients. Brainspotting therapy helps change long-standing habits that have held you back and made you feel stuck. Brainspotting targets the deeper layers of the brain so that these unhelpful habits can finally be broken. When we have broken the emotional hold, then saying “no” to prioritize your self-care becomes so much easier. And guess what? The guilt starts to go away.

Balance is Possible: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Juggle Career, Relationships, and Self-Care

As a high performing woman, it is important to accept that you will never be able to accomplish every single task that you have laid out for yourself. It’s not because you are lazy or incompetent, it is simply because your expectations for yourself are sometimes too high.

It is also important to remember that you cannot throw yourself so deep into work that you forget all your personal relationships. You can do both quite well- if you are able to put up good boundaries and prioritize your mental health. With Brainspotting therapy, you experience a world of emotional clarity so that it becomes so much easier to manage the dynamics of personal relationship versus your high-powered career.

To keep it simple, when you're looking at your weekly schedule, make sure there is actually time for you to rest, recharge and maybe connect with somebody outside of your work. If you are intentional about this on a weekly basis, it becomes a lot more difficult to be constantly drowning in work. Maybe you have some busy seasons at work where it’s all hands on deck, but when you're outside of busy season, be sure to calendar in time to actually spend with loved ones.

When you think about your work dynamics, are you carrying too heavy a load? Is there any wiggle room where you can either drop some responsibilities, outsource them or complete them at a later date? Remember that there are areas within your workspace that you have control over. Those are the areas in which you have to assert your influence and voice. Life does not just happen to you- you have a say in certain areas of your life. It’s the idea of accepting what you cannot change, but changing what you can,

When You Feel Everything: How to Keep Emotional Overload from Ruining Your Relationships

As a highly sensitive woman, you can feel like you absorb the emotions of others. But it’s not like you are actually absorbing their emotions. It’s that you notice tiny details that act like an alarm and alert you to how others are feeling. And this feels like you have actually absorbed their emotions. This can lead you to either run away from others- because you do not enjoy the feeling of constantly being tossed around by the emotions of others.

Or sometimes, you get overly involved in the emotional business of others because you want to fix and soothe them. Remember that is not necessarily your job to fix everyone. Sometimes others do not actually want your help. Sometimes they're fine with the way things are going. Sometimes they're coming to you simply to vent- not to fix. And if you do not have enough bandwidth to actually help somebody who is asking for your help, then what you will get is complete burn out, resentment and frustration. Know when you have the bandwidth to have deep conversations versus when you just want to keep things light. This will prevent you from emotional overload.

Also have at least one safe person in your life with whom you can share your emotional burdens. You are allowed to laugh wit them, cry with them, vent, and just be human. You can talk about the difficult things in your life, as well as the wins you are experiencing.

The Art of Unplugging: How to Step Away Without Feeling Disconnected from Loved Ones

One of the most important parts of being highly sensitive is having alone time and times when you minimize distractions. Even though you might live a very busy lifestyle and lots of people come to you for help, it is important that you have some non-negotiables around always being busy. As a high-performing woman, spending time by yourself gives you the opportunity to reflect on the work that you are doing and also recharge your energy so that you can continue to perform at a high level.

Unplugging does not mean that you completely ghost everyone. Unplugging simply means that you have specific times in your schedule when you can be by yourself. You can take yourself to lunch, you can sit at home and watch TV, or you can simply silence your phone so that you can do other things around the house. You can go on a relaxing vacation or you can decide that you will no longer be helping people during this season because your life is already feeling too full. It really is that simple. Some people like to set boundaries every single day by putting their phones on do not disturb from a certain hour in the evening until morning.

Are you constantly overwhelmed by the emotional demands of your relationships? As a trauma therapist in Houston specializing in brainspotting therapy, I help high-performing, highly sensitive women—including Black women—manage overwhelm and build healthier, more balanced relationships. Schedule a brainspotting therapy consult call in Houston today to start your journey toward emotional peace and deeper connections!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Letter to the invisible, strong woman

You are the one who carries your entire family on your back. You wake up before everyone else, you ensure that everything is in place for your family.

You have tons of hopes and dreams, but you often put them aside to ensure that everyone else is well taken care of. But deep inside, you are tired of being the strong woman. You are tired of having to plaster a smile on your face every day. You struggle secretly, and no one around you knows.

You feel lonely. The people around you have no clue what you’re going through because you are the designated strong woman. You are the trouble shooter and the official problem solver. You’re the go to woman who holds everyone’s emotions in your hands.

You would love to have a day set aside where you can just plop yourself on the bed and sleep all day. You’d love it if people checked up on you as well- rather than assuming that all is well with you.

So, strong woman, here’s how you can move from invisible superhero to seen and human.

Allow people to see your humanity

Because you’re so used to being the go to person, chances are your loved ones don’t notice when you’re down. Here’s where vulnerability comes in. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or upset, tell someone you trust. I say this over and over again to my therapy clients. If people aren’t used to seeing that side of you, they’ll assume that you’re always fine- thereby perpetuating the cycle that your needs should go unmet. When I work with clients in may therapy office in Murrieta, this is a big part of our work- feeling comforting with vulnerability.

Ask your loved ones for help

When you are the super competent, responsible person, everyone around you assumes that you can handle everything. Know your limits and be willing to ask others to help you. This is another big part of my therapy or counseling process. This prevents burn out and the endless feeling of disappointment that comes when no one offers to help you out.

Asking for help could seem very difficult- after all you’re used to handling it all on your own. But its time, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief when you learn to delegate or outsource.

Start saying “No.”

It’s important to accept that you are not superwoman. And that’s not a bad thing. Although you are the go to person and you’re also very competent, please know that rest is just as productive as work. Sometimes you have to say “No” to others when they are asking for your assistance- so that you can invest more time in rest.

The truth is that when you are the super responsible person, people who could be competent, begin to slack off because they know you will take care of things for them. But when you begin a new pattern of encouraging others to take care of responsibilities themselves, you actually will have more time to focus on tasks that are important to you.

Talk to a therapist or counselor

Assertiveness practice is such a key part of my counseling practice in Murrieta. If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of invisibility and in the superwoman role, maybe it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. As a Black or African American therapist in Murrieta, CA, I help women who identify as the responsible ones, learn how to communicate their needs, get their needs met and also be seen as human and fallible.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can finally be seen and heard.

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

You have always felt like you're different from other people. You get overwhelmed easily, you feel other people's emotions strongly, certain fabrics feel like sandpaper when they touch your skin, and you tend to get anxious a lot. You don't fit in in the world, your family thinks you're too sensitive, and your friends certainly don't get you. You were called "Weird" when you were growing up, but you've always hated that. You don't enjoy going to the club, other loud places, or being among a large crowd. You also tend to spend a great deal of time on your own. There's something about time alone that soothes you and makes you feel rejuvenated.

Maybe you're simply just unique.

You were created with certain unique gifts that set you apart from the people around you. Maybe that's why you never fit into a box. But let's face it, a part of you always wanted to be understood. A part of you wished others would understand you. But maybe you were never meant to fit in, maybe boxes weren't made for people like you.

A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who processes stimuli a lot stronger than others. The term was actually coined by a researcher called Dr Elaine Aron. So you might hear a lot sharper than others, notice little nuances in the environment that others ignore, feel sensations stronger (hence the itchy fabric issue) and even feel emotions more strongly than others. You feelings might get hurt more easily. A HSP is often very empathetic. They might cry more when they watch a sad movie, or they might be completely horrified and might not be able to watch violent movies or play graphic video games. They often see the hurt and the pain that other people try to hide. Because they're so empathetic, others tend to gravitate towards them and pour out their hearts to them. But the problem with this is, a HSP often feels the need to help everyone- leaving her with no energy left for her own emotional needs. If you're curious to see if you're a HSP, take the test here.

Here are some traits of HSPs:

1) People think you're sensitive or shy.

2) You are bothered by loud noises and bright lights.

3) You get frazzled when there's too much going on in your life.

4) You enjoy structure.

5) You avoid violent movies and games.

6) You love spending time all by yourself.

7) You tend to soak up other people's emotions.

So if you take the HSP test and find out that you're a HSP, congrats!! You are one of the chosen few. Only 15% to 20% of people are HSP. This is why others find it difficult to understand you-it's because you're a rarity. So take off the stigma of being weird and different. You are indeed unique- not weird. I love helping HSP women learn how to care for themselves, learn how to maneuver their way in this loud world so that they can how harness their innate gifts and create meaningful relationships. Click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call, so I can help you move from emotionally exhausted woman to a master boundary setter. I also provide online counseling for women throughout CA.

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