Unstructured structure: How to plan the perfect(ish) day for kids during COVID-19

A few weeks ago, you were living the life. You had a job you commuted to, you would drive your kids to a school they loved, and the world seemed to be perfectly aligned.

But things just got real. 

You are now a homeschool parent, wondering when the kids will go back to school and where to send your resignation letter. You are not used to being home with your kids all day, but here you are. Even though you were not built for this life, all hope is not lost. You can do this.

Here is how to plan the perfect (ish) structured day for your kids during this social distancing era. It’s a lot easier than you think.

1. Start with bedtimes and meal times

Because this shelter in place order is so open ended, please do not forget that your kids still need schedules and routines. If you let them run wild, by the time life returns to normal, they will have to readjust to going to bed at a specific time. This adjustment will most definitely affect them when they have to go to school. So save yourself the hassle and keep things simple.

When creating a schedule, the first thing to plug in is what time you want your kids to wake up, what time you want them to go to bed, and what time you want to serve meals. Super simple.

Now of course, there is room for leeway, but stick to specific mealtimes and bedtimes so you can schedule everything else around that. If you already have these in place, now is the time to continue to enforce that. Kids need a lot more sleep than we think for their own development and health. Please don’t overlook this. Here are the sleep guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Regarding meal times, when you feed kids around the same time each day, it just helps them have more predictability in their lives. They begin to get hungry around the same time each day and you have a better understanding of when to start getting meals ready. Your life as a parent is also a lot easier when you are able to predict how you want the day to unfold.

2. Schedule time for school work

Being that the entire world is struggling at this time, you’re now a homeschool parent and school work should be scheduled so that everyone is on the same page. The last thing you want is to be scrambling day after day. Block out specific times each day for learning. The easiest way to handle this is to lean on your kids’ teachers. Ask them for help so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Many teachers have created curricula for home. Just take that and plug it into a calendar.

Your child’s home school day doesn't have to be as long as the regular school day. Remember that learning doesn't just involve math and language arts. Kids can learn informally as they work with you at home. This is a great time to truly get to understand how your child learns, what his or her likes and dislikes are, and what makes him or her tick.

But be easy on yourself. If you imagine that you will be just as great as a teacher who has spent many years learning childhood education, honing the craft, and practicing with kids, please take the pressure off yourself. You are simply a substitute who is filling in for the teacher until your kids can return to school.

Decide the best timing for your child. Some people start school right after breakfast. Some start in the afternoon. Do what works for you. Fill in specific blocks of time when learning is supposed to happen. Depending on how old your child is, you can set aside 15 minute to 1-hour blocks for learning. Take into consideration your child’s attention span. Don’t expect a 5 year old so sit and work for 2 hours. It just won’t happen.

For example, you can spend 30 minutes on math, take a break in between, then move on to 30 minutes of art. Pick 2 or 3 activities per day, and voila! It’s done.

3. Schedule time for play

Play is a great part of learning. Think about this- even adults take regular breaks during the work day. Your kids need to do so too. Remember in step 2 above when I mentioned scheduling breaks in between? Now is where you decide what you want your kids to do during their breaks. The options are limitless. They can engage in free play (running around the place like kids do), imaginative play (using their imaginations), they can engage in crafts, art, they can draw, they can exercise with you, dance, learn a new language, learn how to type, or even sing. Whatever you decide is great, just make it fun.

Play is a great way to reduce boredom and engage your kids’ brains. And if you have teenagers, encourage them to begin a hobby within the home. Having them stare at a screen all day isn’t helpful. Perhaps they can begin a fun project. You can also encourage them to Facetime or video conference with their friends so that they still get human contact.

4. Schedule time for chores

Chores are another great way to teach kids. Chances are you’re going to be cleaning up around the home. Why not let the kids join you? One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to teach him or her independence. Every child will one day grow up to become an adult, so wouldn't it be great if they learned valuable life skills?

Little kids would probably love being able to be your helpers. On your schedule, create a block of time for clean up. This would free up so much time for you and give your kids a great sense of independence. If your kids aren't used to doing chores, they might fight you when you start this, but as time goes on, everyone will settle in and get used to it. When everyone pitches in, parents are a lot less stressed.

5. Schedule family time

Another block of time can be set aside for the family to just unwind and have fun. Play some board games, talk to the kids, have a dance party, watch a movie, let loose and make the best of the situation. Although this COVID-19 pandemic was very unexpected, it can be a great time to bond with your kids. The goal is to have your kids relish this time they get to be with you.

Depending on how old your kids are, check in with them a few times a week to see how they are doing. Some kids will be totally unbothered by social distancing, and others will worry. Either way, it’s important that the kids know that you are there to protect them and validate their feelings.

And there you have it- the perfect (ish) unstructured schedule has blocks of time dedicated to work, blocks of time dedicated to play and blocks of time dedicated to family time. What does your perfect(ish) schedule look like?

If social distancing and spending time at home is bringing up feelings of anxiety or affecting your sleep, I am here to help. Like many therapists in Murrieta and Temecula, I am still providing therapy, but all services are being held online until social distancing guidelines have been relaxed. Don’t struggle alone. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.

If you are struggling with anxiety and you are sick of it, I’ve created a FREE guide to help you manage anxiety and fear in 5 easy steps.

5 simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear.

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What your therapist is thinking when you're in session

Going to therapy or counseling with a therapist or psychologist can be difficult. You’ve probably struggled with whatever the issue is for months, or maybe years. You scour through all the Google or Psychology Today searches trying to find the best therapist for you. Maybe it’s your first time in therapy, so you’re super nervous about the therapy process. You’re not sure what to expect. And if you happen to live nearby, you know there a ton of therapists in the Murrieta/Temecula area to choose from.

Maybe you’ve watched therapy sessions on YouTube to try to get a feel for what therapy might look like. Or maybe you’ve Googled your way around the internet to help you feel more comfortable with the concept of siting with a therapist. By the way, I wrote a blog post about what your first therapy session looks like. You can read more about that here. Well if you’re ready to dive into therapy, and you wonder what your therapist is thinking when she sits across from you for 50 minutes, I’m here to lift the veil a bit. Therapy is a lot less spooky than you think. And no, I don’t typically say “What I hear you saying is…”

So here it goes. Here are 5 things I’m thinking when I sit across from my therapy clients:

You have a ton of strengths

When I meet you for the first time, I make it a point to listen in for as many strengths as I can. In our first session together, I typically will ask you “What are your strengths?” If at that time, you’re not able to come up with any, that’s fine, because I have got you covered. As you talk to me about who you are, what brought you into therapy and what you’re trying to accomplish, all I hear are your strengths. Most people I see are kind, resilient and intelligent, the problem is they haven’t been told that before. It is my job to help you see your strengths and learn how to harness the power of your strengths so that your life can blossom.

You’re going to be okay

Typically, I know that you’re going to be okay before you do. I’ve been a therapist for many years, I’ve seen so many different types of clients come in with all sorts of struggles, and I have a good sense of what the outcome will be. Because I am very selective about the clients I work with, I typically pick clients whom I can help- that way I’m not wasting your time. So after the first session, I know that you are going to be okay. The challenge for me is helping you truly believe that and harnessing your super powers (everyone has them) so that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for you.

I really love what I do

Some days I really feel like pinching myself because I don’t believe that people actually allow me the privilege of entering into the dark spaces of their hearts and minds, and walking with them as they find their way to the light. Every single time I get to be in a therapy session, I think about the unique honor of being a therapist. And do I really love what I do? Absolutely. There is no other profession I would have chosen. And yes, sometimes when I’m sitting across from you, my heart does feel warm and fuzzy because you have allowed me to be a part of your success story.

If you think about it, most people hold on to their struggles and pain. Only very few people actually go on to see a therapist to talk about these painful struggles that they’ve been battling with for years. And so it’s not lost on me that you are making a brave choice to come into my therapy office in Murrieta or meet with me for online counseling or teletherapy.

I can’t wait till you get to the other side of your pain

My job is to hold hope for you when you don’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, because I’m the only one in the room who knows there’s light at the end of the tunnel, my job is to help you get to the other side of your pain. Sometimes it is difficult for me to watch you feel pain and struggle, but because I always hold hope for my clients, I know that your life is going to be so amazing if I can get you over the threshold and unto the other side. Because although there are many lessons to learn when you’re sitting on the therapy couch and battling through all the difficulty, when you finally get to the other side, your life will blossom beyond your wildest imagination- at least that’s what I think.

You’re going to do great things

Now of course, I am very biased and I believe in the transformative power of therapy. But it is my belief that when people are transformed in the therapy room, they not only change their lives, but they also have the opportunity to change the lives of their families, friends and loved ones for the better. Your outlook on life changes, the way you talk changes, who you are even changes as well. And when I sit across from you, I get to see the transformation week to week. I often think about the way my clients are going to impact their families, impact their friends and just become a much better version of themselves.

The therapy process is truly a beautiful thing.

And there you have it. A little peak into the mind of a therapist. If you are considering seeking out therapy or counseling in Murrieta, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. It’s important that your therapist is a great fit for you, so that you too can get to the other side of your anxiety or insomnia. I provide therapy or counseling services for women who struggle with anxiety and insomnia. Call now for your free 15-minute consultation.

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That odd feeling could be a panic attack

You think to yourself: "Something is seriously wrong with me." You step into your office and you feel like the walls are caving in. You try to take a few extra deep breaths, but you fear that you will choke. No matter how hard you try, you still can't catch your breath. You begin to sweat, and then suddenly, a wave of embarrassment washes over you. You don't want anyone to notice that you're struggling over here.

You rush to the bathroom as fast as you can to try to get control of yourself and it feels like you might throw up all over yourself. You hope you don't faint. Your body feels hot and you're lightheaded. After what feels like an eternity, you're able to get it together. You stay in the bathroom for a few extra minutes, but after that incident, you spend a lot of time worrying that it'll happen again.

Now it's all you can think about. Anytime you go to the store, you think "Will this happen to me again?" You leave your house and wonder, "Will today be the day?" After a while, your worry actually brings on another episode and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

 If this has ever happened to you, it’s possible that you might have experienced a panic attack. First of all, it’s important to get checked by your physician to ensure that you’re not suffering from a physical health condition. Your doctor would also want to check that it isn’t being caused by a substance or medication.

Panic attacks often create very high anxiety. You try to keep it all under control, then you spend a lot of time worrying that they will happen again, which could then trigger another attack. If you experience panic attacks you might also experience dizziness, a choking sensation, trembling, shaking, hot flashes, nausea, difficulty catching your breath, pounding heart and even fear that you may be dying.

But you know what? Panic attacks are treatable by mental health counselors. Please don't be ashamed. Pick up the phone and reach out for help. The sooner you reach out, the sooner you can begin your journey of recovery. 

So if you’re in the Murrieta or Temecula area and you’ve been struggling with panic attacks or anxiety, don’t stay silent. Click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation with me so we can decide how we can work together to help you find your calm. You can also all me on 951-905-3181. Sometimes all you need is some therapy or counseling. You deserve all the joy in the world.

If you're not close to the Murrieta area, but you reside in California, I also provide online sessions. Reach out for help today.

What is therapy?

Have you ever found yourself scouring the internet to find a therapist in Murrieta or counseling in Temecula, but you realize you don’t even know what therapy is?

Therapy or psychotherapy or counseling is simply treating mental health disorders while keeping the person's individual relationships and environment in mind.

It doesn't matter if you call me a therapist, a psychotherapist or a counselor-I'm fine with all three titles. 

'Mental health disorders' sounds really harsh, but what that simply means is some type of psychological problem one has which is causing him or her distress. Depression causes distress, so does anxiety, so does anorexia, so does OCD, and so do schizophrenia, phobias, PTSD, insomnia and Bipolar disorder.

Some mental health disorders are very severe and people struggle with them for a lifetime. While others last for a few weeks or a few months at a time. Some are recurrent and come back after a while, and some show up for a few weeks and never return. A mental health diagnosis does not make you 'crazy.' In fact millions of people work and raise families while living with a mental health disorder. 

Think of it this way-there are also millions of people around the world who struggle with physical health disorders and who live fruitful lives. Would you call them crazy? I'd hope not.

What to expect from a therapist in Temecula or counselor in Murrieta

When you are on the lookout for a therapist in the Temecula area, expect that each therapist you talk to will be very different. So a psychotherapist in San Diego might be different from other counselors or therapists in Murrieta.

Don’t assume an instant connection with the therapist or counselor

Don't expect to instantly form a connection with every therapist you call- simply because they have a master's degree or a doctorate. Some people will talk too slowly for you, some will be too pushy. Find the one who is just right for you.

Different therapists work from different perspectives.

Some work from a cognitive perspective, which means they focus on the way you think. And the different perspectives are not based on location either. You could find a CBT therapist in San Diego, as well as in Los Angeles and the Bay Area.

Others work from a behavioral perspective-they are more concerned with how you act. Still others work from a systemic perspective- taking into account your family background, your upbringing and your environment. Some rely heavily on helping you tap into your emotions, while others will never even mention the word 'emotions.'

Some therapists will take notes as you are talking, others will use a tablet or a laptop and still some will not take any notes. Typically when you walk into a therapist's office, expect him or her to ask you lots of questions about your medical history, childhood history and mental health history. This information is golden for us as we use it to figure out how best to help you. The more honest you are, the easier it will be for us to get you to your goal.

So therapy isn't this weird mysterious thing.

It just looks very much like 2 people sitting across from each other and having conversations until the other person begins to feel better. You are free to ask questions and your therapist is your ally.

If you are seeking an African American therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area- that’s me! I help women of color and couples manage anxiety, insomnia. I offer online counseling throughout California. Click here to schedule a 15-minute consultation call to find out if we are a great fit.

I serve clients in San Diego, Los Angeles, Riverside, the desert- all over California.

Why does therapy in the Temecula/Murrieta area cost so much?

You have searched on every website out there hoping to find a good therapist but it just doesn't seem like the ones you like are affordable. Why on earth are these therapists in Temecula, counselors in Murrieta and throughout California so expensive? Don't they want to be helpful?

 Well I'll tell you why from my point of view:

psychotherapists in california have an extensive background

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the Murrieta/Temecula area is a professional with at least a master's degree. Some have PhDs or Doctorate degrees. I even know one who has 2 PhDs! This means it took a minimum of 6 years of college for your therapist to actually learn her specialized skills.

Some Marriage and Family Therapist masters programs take 3 years to complete- thereby increasing the learning time and expertise. If the therapist has a Phd- it probably took her (or him) anywhere from 3 to 6 additional years of school after the masters' degree. That means a therapist in San Diego who has a PhD has spent about 10 years or more post high school, furthering her education.

Therapists and counselors start gathering client experience when they are in school

To become a licensed counselor or therapist in California, in addition to spending all that time in school, a therapist must also become an intern while in school. So for 1 to 2 years, not only are we taking a large number of classes, learning about law and ethics, diagnosis, human relationships, child development, research and a wide array of other important topics to help you, we are also spending literally thousands of hours seeing clients to make sure we know what we are doing. We are honing our skills and getting shaped into the professionals that sit in front of you today. It is similar to how a surgeon goes through a residency to sharpen his or her skills. Consider that when next you meet with your Temecula therapist.

Counselors and therapists must accrue client hours after we graduate

Once we graduate from university , we must get 3,000 hours of client experience while we are under the supervision of someone who is a licensed therapist. So even though we've studied for years, completed a supervised internship, we still need to continue learning. 

3,000 hours of client experience doesn't mean we are just sitting in a room for 8 hours a day and racking up hours. It means the hours that count are those spent sitting in front of clients. It takes years to complete these hours. Anywhere from 2 to even 6 years, depending on the situation. 

We also meet with our supervisor every week for 1 to 2 hours while we are interns. Our supervisors check our paperwork, ask us questions about the clients and basically make sure we aren't ruining people's lives. So 4 years of undergrad, 2 to 3 years of masters', and possibly another 3 years of on the job work.

After our 3,000 hours are done, we then sit through 2 rigorous exams. It took me months to study for and pass the exams. So when you think of it, your therapist spends anywhere from 8 to 12 years training to get their license. We might not be physicians, but we sure do train like long and hard like them.

Therapist's attention to detail

Usually when a therapist charges higher fees, it typically means that he or she can be very picky about the clients he or she takes on. 

Why is this important?

Because if I took on every client who called me, I would be doing them a huge disservice. I only take on clients whom I know will be a great fit for me. No one is a jack of all trades, so I choose wisely. I see very few clients, but I know that the few I have are getting the best of my attention.

Before I even meet you, I am already trying to figure out the best way to serve you. And after you are out of the room, I create a treatment plan-a document that describes what goals and objectives we will be working on together. So before you meet me in my Murrieta counseling office, I have already done quite a bit of research to get started on your goals.

No therapist is great at treating all types of clients, so have a conversation with your therapist about who they're great at working with. Don't just sign up with a therapist because they're cheap or they take your insurance. This is your life we're talking about here.

You might think you're paying for an hour-long session, but really your therapist is working on helping you before you sit in the couch and after you're gone.

Before each session, many therapists plan and prepare to make sure we will be of good service to you, and after you leave we do some documentation detailing how the session went and our plan for the next session. It's how we track progress. If your insurance is being billed, then the documentation is a lot longer. We would have to meet insurance standards as well.

My small client load allows me to give my best work and to be as attentive to you as possible.

Have you ever sat in front of a doctor and felt that he was trying to rush you out of the room? Or that he didn't know you? That's a feeling I never want you to have. I pride myself in giving each client 5 star service. But honestly, if I charged lower fees and saw each client for only 30 minutes, I'll start to forget your name and you become inconsequential. But when I charge slightly higher, I only see a few people at a time and I give you the best of my energy. I know what direction your life is going, I know exactly how close you are in meeting your goals-I actually remember you.

Charging very low fees could potentially lead to resentment of the client as the therapist might not be making ends meet-which will be sad considering the years spent on honing one's skills.

This will be a waste of my time and yours.

It's similar to the service you get when you go to a discount store, compared to the service you get at a small upscale boutique. Now this doesn't mean that therapists who charge higher are better, it just means that they typically see fewer clients and they have more time to do the back end work.

 So, what do you think of therapists' fees in the Inland Empire or Murrieta area?

If you are looking for a Black female therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area to help you manage anxiety, insomnia or repair your relationship through marriage counseling in Murrieta, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. 

I also provide online counseling throughout California.