Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 2)
Over arousal simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes. Here is how to manage over arousal as a highly sensitive person.
In my previous blog post, I discussed what high sensitivity actually is. I'll be breaking down the four characteristics of high sensitivity over the next few weeks.
In this blog series, I’ll be sharing the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity, which are:
Depth of Processing (Read more about it here)
Overarousability
Emotional Intensity
Sensory Processing Sensitivity
I already went over depth of processing in my previous blog post. Depth of processing basically means thinking very deeply before making decisions. Some people might call it over analyzing.
In this post, I'll be talking about the second characteristic of high sensitivity which is over arousability.
To be over aroused simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others, thereby causing you to feel overwhelmed in a way. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes.
As an anxiety therapist in Houston and a high sensitivity coach, this is often a complaint I get. HSPs often think something must be wrong with them- because they notice things no one else does.
The smell that is ever so slight, feels so pungent to you, but other people barely notice it. It is also possible to be under aroused when you're not picking up enough stimuli. When this happens, you tend to get bored. The struggle is sometimes people do the wrong things when they are under aroused such as drinking coffee or other stimulants, or turning the TV up too loud.
What you want is an optimal level of arousal.
Over arousal might even mean that you pick up stimuli like pain a lot easier than others- which means your pain tolerance might be lower than others’. This should be very important to discuss with your physician so that they can come up with a great treatment plan for you.
Highly sensitive people can also be easily aroused by stimuli inside their bodies, such as hunger, thirst, and tiredness. This is why it is important to eat at the appropriate times and take care of your physical body, so that it doesn't negatively affect your mood. It might be the reason why you act like a grouch when you are hungry, and other people tend to be able to stay longer periods of time without food. Do not compare yourself to other people. You are a unique human and that's just OK.
Highly sensitive people have different levels of arousal, so this means one highly sensitive person might notice all the smells, and another person might not even pick up on them at all. Or one highly sensitive person might have very sensitive hearing, while the other does not.
So how does one manage over arousability?
Take a break.
If you find yourself in a crowded room, where they are too many people around you, the volume is high, everybody is sweating, and there are lots of perfumes in the room, rather than powering through it- which is what most highly sensitive people tend to do- just take a break.
You can head over to the bathroom to breathe for a few minutes, go outside for some fresh air, or you can sit and take a look at your phone to just give you a distraction in the moment. You also do not have to stay at events for very long. Normalize popping in and popping out.
Utilize mindfulness skills.
Mindfulness simply means being present in the moment and focusing on one external sensation or internal sensation to allow your body to be calm. So while you're in that very loud, uncomfortable room, start to slow your breathing down.
Take a few deep breaths in and a few deep breaths out, and focus on the breath. If taking a deep breath is difficult for you, then just notice your breath as it is. Notice air fill your lungs and move out of it. Doing this one simple action gets your brain off the external overstimulation that you're experiencing. Click here to watch some of my mindfulness videos.
Spend some time in nature.
Highly sensitive people tend to LOVE nature. We tend to enjoy the trees, the sound of chirping birds, the feeling of the breeze on our skin, looking around and just enjoying the calm.
You do not have to wait until you are overstimulated to enjoy nature. If you live in a beautiful, serene environment, make nature walks a part of your schedule. Even something as little as sitting near a window can help. If you don’t live in a serene environment and you don’t have windows, pull up a video online and imagine yourself walking through a peaceful neighborhood.
Change your environment.
If you find yourself completely over aroused by the same people or situations over and over again, then maybe it is time to go somewhere else. If you are around the same over arousing friend who seems to not respect your boundaries- even after you have set the boundaries 1 million times- then maybe it's time to change that.
Or if you live in an especially loud part of town, and you have the ability to move to a quieter apartment, or home, take advantage of that. Your job is not to be a martyr. You are allowed to be happy.
If you have some level of control over the situation, then change the situation.
For example if you're sitting in your home and you just notice that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, turn down the simulation. You can do this by thinking about your five senses.
You can reduce the sound of the TV or turn it off, you can adjust the temperature on the thermostat, you can turn off any irritating smells or put on a calming smell.
You can also visualize something pretty. This is why it is important to surround yourself and your home or working environment with pretty things. They do not have to be expensive. They just have to be pretty to you.
Shock your nervous system.
And if you want to completely shock your nervous system, a quick trick is to splash little bit of cold water on your face or at the back of your neck. You can also drink a nice glass of cold water, or go outside into the cold for a few seconds. This will shock your nervous system and get it to reset.
Utilize positive self talk.
Positive self talk is a simple way to help you feel safe. Think about it as being your own encourager or cheerleader. It is important to remind yourself that you are actually safe. This prevents your mind from racing, will hopefully slow down your heart rate and prevent you from moving into fear, anxiety or sheer panic.
If you are truly ready to learn more about how to turn your high sensitivity into your superpower, how to manage big emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 20 minute breakthrough call so that we can work together.
What to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area
These days it appears that on every show on TV, everybody and their mama, is constantly talking about going to therapy. You've played around with the idea of therapy or counseling in your head, however you're not sure what to expect.
You've heard that talking to a therapist is just like talking to your best friend. But if it is similar to talking to your best friend, then why pay money and spend time you don’t have in therapy? Why not just go to your best friend?
Here's a quick list of what to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area.
Everyone and their mother appears to be talking about going to therapy on every show these days. You've entertained the idea of therapy or counseling in your mind, but you're not sure what to expect.
You've probably heard that talking to a therapist is similar to talking to your best friend. But, if it's the same as talking to your best friend, why spend money, and the time you don't have in therapy? Why not ask your best friend?
Here's a quick list of what to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area.
Before we begin, all therapists must be different, so I will be speaking from my own perspective. These are my practices as a therapist.
I won't be giving you advice during therapy or counseling.
The number one misconception about therapy is your therapist specifically tells you what to do. Your therapist is entirely different from your best friend or your mentor. My job is NOT to tell you what to do; after all, who am I to tell you what to do? I am not your boss. My job is simply to ask you questions that give you the space to think deeply, weigh the pros and cons, brainstorm, and eventually come to your own conclusion. You'll learn more about the whys of things, common patterns in your life, and what makes you who you are.
Would it not be a form of control if I told you what to do?
I'm not 100 percent neutral in therapy.
When you watch TV, the therapist is 100% neutral. They really have a blank stare on their face, they nod and smile, and they just appear to have no personality.
I am not like that.
If I feel like you are moving in a perilous direction, I will let you know. I am not neutral at all. My ulterior motive is to guide you towards the completion of your goals. To be neutral will mean that I have no investment in your success. Being neutral would mean that I am a blank slate. I am no blank slate.
My real intention is to guide you to become the person you said you wanted to become when you began working with me.
Therapy is hard work.
From the outside looking in, therapy is just two people looking at each other and talking for an hour. This is far from the truth. As a couple therapist in Houston, I have spent over a decade honing my skills, learning human behavior, learning about interpersonal relationships, learning about nonverbal behavior, and even learning about how the brain works to quickly get you your therapy goals.
Therapy is not a walk in the park. There will be tears, some shade was thrown (mostly on my end), moments of deep reflection, and you will feel uncomfortable.
You'll feel like a lot better version of yourself when you've gone through some of those challenging feelings when you're done. To grow a healthy tree, I always remind my clients that they must first dig through the sludge.
And yes, another thing to expect when you work with me is a series of proverbs and sayings that I often make up on the fly.
What can I say? It is the West African therapist in me.
In our therapy or counseling sessions, I won't be blaming your mom for everything.
People often shy away from therapy in Houston (and everywhere else) because they believe their family will be put on blast or that the therapist will not respect their heritage.
As a Black marriage counselor in Houston and an immigrant, I understand the importance of culture and family and their complexity.
I will absolutely not be blaming your mom, your dad, your grandma, or your neighborhood for everything. I understand that your environment, personality, and family upbringing all play a role in making you who you are. It is entirely unjust to place all of the blame on one person.
As a therapist, I have no preconceived notions about you.
Although I primarily work with couples and high-achieving women with anxiety and insomnia, I do not expect all of my clients to be the same. I absolutely do not take a one-size-fits-all approach to my work.
I believe that you are unique, and a massive part of my work is listening and observing. You are the one who tells me the story of who you are, you are the one who walks me through, and you are the captain of the ship.
When you go to a therapy session with me, I have no preconceived notions about you. I do not expect you to check off all of the boxes in the DSM V (the DSM V is the official manual from which therapists diagnose clients).
Instead, I take an approach of not knowing, as I believe you are the expert yourself. You may not realize it yourself better than anyone else or will ever know you. Let us all learn to accept that together.
I ask you what your goals for therapy are
Our first Couples counseling Houston session together is like a discovery session. I ask you a lot of questions about your upbringing, your current environment, your time in school, your career, the significant relationships in your life, what brings you into therapy, your emotions, your past experiences in therapy, as well as who you want to be when our time together is done.
All of these questions help me (and you) understand you better. It is like putting 1 million puzzle pieces together to see the big picture. Therapy, in my opinion, should have clear goals so that we know precisely when it is time for you to graduate. No guessing games are involved.
Before diving into therapy, we get all the insurance things out of the way.
For therapy to succeed, you need to know exactly what to expect. That means also discussing the boring insurance stuff. If you wish to go through your insurance, I'll tell you everything you should be telling your insurance company so that the road will be smooth.
If you choose to work with me as an out-of-network therapist, I will also sort everything out before starting our sessions. It is essential that when we start sessions, there are no distractions. The ultimate goal is to get you in the headspace necessary to reach your therapy goals.
Expect to laugh (A LOT) in therapy.
I am absolutely NOT a nod and smile therapist. You will not get a blank slate or stare from me, and I won't be the therapist who repeatedly asks you, "How does that make you feel?"
We go deeper than that, and I bring in my authentic self. Some days I am loud. Some days I cackle. I happen to laugh A LOT, and yes, we'll have some belly laughs even while discussing anxiety, insomnia, marital struggles, and trauma.
I am an expert. I believe that laughter may help heal a broken heart. So even though we will be doing a lot of work, and tears will be shed, expect to laugh a lot. After all, laughter is the best medicine.
So there it is. Those are some of the elements you should expect when working with me in therapy in the Houston area. As a Black therapist in Houston, I pride myself on helping women of color and couples of color move from surviving to thriving. If you struggle and barely treading water, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. Because you absolutely deserve to wake up every day and enjoy your life
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?