Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/27/23 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/27/23

How to assertively set healthy boundaries in marriage and other relationships

The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.

Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.

The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.

Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.

It is important to note that you are in control of your own boundaries. You decide what is good for you, what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable. And it is your responsibility to communicate that to others. Boundaries are a practice. The more you practice it, the better you get at it.

Understand where your comfort zone lies

Before you are able to set boundaries, you must first know where your comfort zone is. A boundary is there to protect you and to help others understand how to treat you. The biggest struggle I hear about boundary setting is not wanting to hurt other people’s feeling. Before focusing on others, first check in with yourself and ask these questions:

What do I actually want?
How do I feel about the situation?
What outcome do I want?

Decide what to say

Once you have decided what you want from the situation, it’s time to practice what to say. Practice makes things better because as a HSP, you might not feel comfortable expressing yourself without prior practice. Here is a simple framework to help you ask for what you want:

State your feelings: “I feel [hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, ignored, disrespected].”
State why you feel that way: “Because you were staring at your phone when I was speaking to you.”
State your need: “What I need is for you to make eye contact with me when we are talking about serious issues.”

Keep Practicing

The more you practice boundaries, the better you get at it. If you falter a few times, it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get better with time.

If you are a highly sensitive woman who wants to learn how to manage big emotions, stand up for yourself and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule a free breakthrough call so you can learn how to make sensitivity your super power. Let’s see if you can benefit from a high sensitivity coach.