Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA &amp; TX

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/21/22 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/21/22

How to reconnect with your spouse after a big fight

Although most people pretend that their marriage is a bed of roses, we all know that arguments are a part of marriage. What are you supposed to do when your spouse drives you completely nuts? Here are some simple steps that you can take after you and your spouse have had a huge fight or a horrible disagreement.

Take a time out to cool off

After a huge blowout or disagreement in your marriage, it is important for both of you to go to your respective corners. Go cool off, listen to some music, take a walk, take a shower, pray- do someone else to distract yourself from the volcano of emotions that are surging inside you.

Although most people pretend that their marriage is a bed of roses, we all know that arguments are a part of marriage. What are you supposed to do when your spouse drives you completely nuts? Here are some simple steps that you can take after you and your spouse have had a huge fight or a horrible disagreement.

Take a time out to cool off

After a huge blowout or disagreement in your marriage, it is important for both of you to go to your respective corners. Go cool off, listen to some music, take a walk, take a shower, pray- do someone else to distract yourself from the volcano of emotions that are surging inside you.

During this time out, your goal is to cool off. So, no thinking about how awful your husband is (you know you have those thoughts, but I won’t judge you). No cursing him out under your breath (you know you do that also). Just cool off by focusing on something else.

Schedule a time to talk with your spouse

After you feel like you've been able to sort through your feelings, and calm down, reach out to your spouse and make an appointment. Appointments don’t sound sexy, but this will ensure that both of you can talk at a time in which neither of you is busy or distracted.

Before you have this conversation, know that the goal of the conversation is NOT to prove that you’re right. It’s to get over the hump and prevent this issue from rearing its ugly head in the future.

Got it?

Start with talking about your feelings (or your spouse’s feelings)

Before we dive in, note that I utilize the Gottman Method for couples therapy. It’s research backed and it works!)

Let’s jump in.

In this conversation, there has to be a speaker and a listener. The listener’s job is to listen, understand and empathize with the speaker. It’s an active process. You can’t be a good listener while actively cursing your spouse out in your head or trying to come up with reasons why he’s wrong.

Use actual feeling words like angry, sad, upset, lonely, etc. This helps your spouse better understand what is going on in your mind. Here’s a link to the feelings wheel to help you pinpoint your emotions.

When your spouse talks about his feelings, simply listen. Don’t try to talk about yours until he’s done with his role as speaker. Also, do not try to convince him that his feelings are false.

Talk about your perspective on the issue

Summarize what you think happened during the argument. Stick to “I” statements. Try not to blame him or point the finger.

Here’s an example of a good “I” statement:

“Earlier today, when we came into the house, I felt ignored when I saw you on the phone.”

Here’s a bad example of an “I” statement:

“Earlier today when we came into the house, you were ignoring me as usual by staring at your stupid phone. You’re addicted to the phone and you have a problem.”

Talk about what triggered you during the incident or leading up to the incident

Arguments often happen because of unmet needs or triggers. So this is your opportunity to invite your spouse into your internal world. Avoid assuming that “He should know” what bugs you.

Perhaps you were already tired. Maybe you felt ignored. Maybe you had to remind him for the 7th time.

Let him know your triggers, but say it nicely.

Acknowledge your role in the communication breakdown

Talk about at least 1 thing you did to increase the miscommunication. Maybe you snapped. Maybe you were impatient. Maybe you jumped to conclusions.

Here’s the time for self reflection.

What can your spouse do to prevent this from happening in the future?

Watch your tone here. Be respectful but honest. Let him know what he can do differently next time so that he does not push your buttons.

The best marriages come from a place of humility, hardwork and a willingness to listen.

If you’re ready to move your marriage from a place or constant disagreements, to a place of great communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I am a Black marriage therapist in Houston who provides couples counseling throughout Texas and California. I also provide Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/14/22 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/14/22

7 validation statements that could seriously save your marriage

Validation is a skill that very few people truly understand. I see it every time during couples counseling in Houston. However, it is actually such an important skill when it comes to connecting with your spouse in marriage. In my couples therapy sessions in Houston, I often find that couples want to jump from problem, straight to solution. However, the middle ground that is missing is the skill of validation.

So what exactly is validation? According to dictionary.com, validation is “Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

Notice that it doesn’t state that you have to completely understand the other person’s point of view. It also does not state that you have to completely agree with their point of view. It is simply just recognizing that their feelings are worthwhile and valid.

What role does validation play in a marriage?

It helps your spouse feel seen and heard. And when your spouse feels seen and heard, they are more likely to feel connected to you.

So how do you validate in marriage?

Simply work to acknowledge that what your spouse is feeling is real. Don’t just think it, say it out loud to them.

Here are 7 simple statements you can say to your spouse when they are having a big emotion or both of you are involved in a disagreement:

1) I can see that you’re experiencing a big emotion, tell me more about what’s going on for you.

2) I can totally understand how that could feel difficult for you.

3) I can see why you feel that way.

4) That sounds very difficult.

5) How can I support you?

6) Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?

7) I see you’re [insert emotion here], how can I support you?

As you can see, these statements are not very long or complicated. When next your spouse is showing a big emotion like anger, sadness, hurt, pain or disappointment, take a moment to help them understand that you see and hear them.

If you are ready to learn how to connect intimately with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me. I provide marriage counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/7/22 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/7/22

How to reconnect with your spouse emotionally to keep your marriage fresh

When you have been married for a while, it sometimes can feel like your marriage is stale. You get so busy with chores, kids, career, and taking care of the home, that it’s easy to lose your connection. But don’t lose hope. It is possible to reconnect with your spouse, even if your marriage is feeling dead.

Here are some simple tips to build a strong emotional connection in your marriage. And the great thing is, it doesn’t even have to take all of your time.

When you have been married for a while, it sometimes can feel like your marriage is stale. You get so busy with chores, kids, career, and taking care of the home, that it’s easy to lose your connection. But don’t lose hope. It is possible to reconnect with your spouse, even if your marriage is feeling dead.

Here are some simple tips to build a strong emotional connection in your marriage. And the great thing is, it doesn’t even have to take all of your time.

When I work with couples during marriage counseling in Houston, I tell them that it is important to have specific rituals that connect you and your spouse. When you don’t have these, married life becomes mundane. Think back to when you were growing up. What important rituals did you and your family share? Or what rituals do you wish you and your family shared? Now is the time to create a family that feels cohesive.

Here are some important rituals to begin in your marriage:

1) Marriage rituals about leave taking

When you are in a busy marriage, it can be very simple to just run out the door in the morning without actually saying goodbye. You won’t believe how many couples who are in marriage counseling in Houston who leave the house without talking to their spouse.

It’s important to give your spouse a proper good bye every single time you leave the house. And it only takes 30 seconds.

Think about what will feel really good to you as well as your spouse. It can be a hug, a kiss, holding their hand and letting them know that you’ll be back. It could be a fist bump. It does not even have to be anything formal.

If you want to be a little bit spicy, it can be a butt tap, a wink, or a head nod. Don’t be afraid to shake up your marriage. Speak to your spouse about what they would like to see happen when either of you is leaving the home. Something so little, helps to sustain the emotional connection between the two of you.

2) Marriage rituals about coming back home

After a busy day, it feels so amazing to walk into the home and see a wonderful smile on your spouse’s face. Sometimes we get so incredibly busy, that we forget to actually greet our spouse when they come home after a long day.

No matter what is going on in your day, when your spouse gets home, try and take the effort to actually take a pause, smile, and maybe even give your spouse a hug and a kiss. This might seem very foreign to start with, but as you get used to doing this, they begin to feel appreciated. And when they feel appreciated, chances are they’ll begin to reciprocate this ritual when you get home.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get a hero’s welcome every time you walk through the door? This is another important skill I teach during couples therapy in Houston.

3) Marriage rituals about meals

Everyone has to eat right? It appears that family dinners are getting fewer and far between. I’m pretty old fashioned, and so I really appreciate being able to sit together as a family and just talk. And yes, I do sometimes suggest family meals during relationship therapy sessions in Houston. Try it sometime.

You can even set the table, make it pretty, put the phones away and just have a conversation that involves eye contact and real connection. Of course, setting the table is not compulsory, but it’s a nice touch.

You can even have rituals around eating out. How often do you want to eat out as a family? Where would you like to go? What type of scene would you like to set? This can be used as an opportunity to catch up on the day and forget about all the worries of the world. During this moment, only you and your family matter.

4) Marriage rituals around dates

Even if you and your spouse have been married for a long time, it is still important to date and pursue each other. Every woman likes to be pursued, and every man loves to pamper his woman. This helps to keep things fresh and exciting. Nobody wants a stale marriage. Have a conversation with your spouse around having regular dates. By the way, dates do not have to be expensive or lavish.

But it is important to be able to take some time away from the kids if possible and just connect. If you cannot get childcare, then plan a simple date when the kids are in bed. This could involve a simple meal, an at home picnic, movie night- it really doesn’t matter what you pick. The most important thing is being able to share some uninterrupted time together.

5) Marriage rituals about holidays

The holidays are a great time to build family memories and to strengthen togetherness. Have another conversation with your spouse around how you would like to celebrate holidays that are important to you.

Will there be specific foods cooked? Who will cook the food? Will you cook it together? Would you be ordering it? What types of activities will be present during the holidays? Whom will you invite? Plan an entire event so that both of you remain on the same page. The goal is for holidays to bring up happy, connected memories for the both of you.

6) Marriage rituals about sex

We all know that sex is super important in a marriage. It helps create a deeper connection between partners. The problem is many couples do not feel comfortable actually talking about sex. Talk about how often you want to have sex, when and where you would like to have sex (the bedroom isn’t the only place for sex, wink, wink), and what you enjoy. Remember, you are partners, and you both deserve pleasure.

How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage? Please share so we can all learn.

If you are ready to move your marriage from a place of constant disagreement, to a place of agreement, deeper communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black marriage counselor in Houston who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout Texas. I am also a licensed marriage and family therapist in California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 3/17/22 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 3/17/22

The Top 8 Myths/Misconceptions about marriage counseling and therapy in Houston

Many people feel terrified about going to marriage counseling in Houston. This causes a lot of couples to struggle on their own for years without knowing how to actually fix it. What you don't know is that a skilled marriage counselor in Houston can take your relationship from raggedy to blissful. Here are the top 8 myths about relationship therapy or marriage counseling in Houston.

Many people feel completely terrified at the idea of going to marriage counseling in Houston. But, a lot of couples just struggle on their own for years and years without knowing how to actually fix the situation.

What you do not know is that a skilled marriage counselor in Houston can take your relationship from raggedy and uninspiring, to fun, enjoyable and amazing.

Here are some of the top nine myths about marriage counseling and therapy in Houston that you need to know.

We have to stop this foolishness guys.

1) Marriage counseling will lead to divorce.

If you and your partner decide to get a divorce after going through marriage counseling in Houston, chances are it was NOT the couples counseling that led to the divorce. My guess is that your marriage has been on the rocks for a while, and the relationship counseling simply just helped shine the light on the cracks that are already present in your relationship.

Now I'll admit this, it is not the job of the couples therapist to fix your marriage. That is actually you and your spouse’s job. The goal of marriage counseling is simply to give you tools to help you work to improve your friendship, intimacy and trust.

If you and your spouse do not put in the necessary work, you will not meet your goals. Will marriage counseling guarantee that your marriage will be happily ever after? No. But marriage counseling most certainly can give you the tools that you and your spouse need to help you reach the happily ever after.

2) Marriage counseling is for non-Christians only.

There is this really dangerous myth within certain churches that couples counseling is for non-Christians only. So what does this mean? It means that there are thousands of Christians out there who are suffering in silence, rather than getting the tools that they need to unlock happiness in their marriages.

I believe that the Bible actually encourages us to seek wisdom. There is nothing unbiblical about marriage counseling. If you want to, you can even seek the services of a Christian marriage counselor in Houston. That way they can integrate your faith, as well as your Christian beliefs into the therapy.

But do not for one minute think that being a Christian means that your job is to be miserable in a marriage. I believe that God actually wants your married to succeed. So why not go to someone who has the professional skills and expertise to help your marriage succeed? Sometimes you need more than prayer.

3) The couples therapist will blame me for everything that has been going wrong in my marriage.

Many people run away from marriage counseling in Houston because they think that all the blame will be placed on them. I see this in women a lot.

A skilled, professional marriage and family therapist, or a skilled marriage counselor will NOT place the blame on one party. I have never seen a relationship in which one spouse holds all of the blame. After all, it does take two to tango.

I believe that marriages unravel because each person is unaware of how to meet their spouses needs, or sometimes they bring in trauma and negative relational dynamics into the relationship, which then starts to eat away at the happiness of the marriage.

If you are currently working with a marriage therapist who is blaming one party for everything, please run in the opposite direction. Couples counseling should not feel like you are getting stoned. Both partners should feel heard and supported by their therapist.

4) There's no point in going to see a marriage counselor when I can just read self-help books

If self-help books were enough to help you build your marital relationship, you will not be having relationship struggles in the first place. Is there a place for self-help books? Of course. They are a great addendum to couples or relationship therapy.

But self-help books will not help you understand how your generational trauma is playing a role in your marriage. Self-help books might not give you all the tools you need to clearly communicate when you're in a conflict with your spouse.

Self-help books are not tailored to focus on all the nuances that occur within relationships. Many self-help books are pretty generalized and might not completely pertain to your own marriage.

So I would suggest continuing to read self-help books, but also getting additional knowledge from a trained marriage therapist.

5) I cannot afford marriage counseling in Houston.

This might not be entirely true. Your insurance might actually be willing to cover a part of your marriage counseling costs. All you have to do is pick up the phone, and ask them if they cover marriage counseling.

If your insurance does not cover the cost of marriage counseling, there are tons of therapists out there who have affordable fee structures. Do your research first, before assuming that you cannot afford marriage counseling.

I would actually argue that the cost of marriage counseling is far less than the cost of a messy divorce. When you think about the emotional toll, the physical toll, as well as the financial mess that often happens after a divorce, you might need to put marriage counseling as a line item on your monthly budget.

Whatever we put our energy towards will grow.

6) Marriage counseling in Houston is pretty boring

If your only experience with marriage counseling has been through movies, I'm pretty sure that you have the wrong idea about marriage counseling. And chances are that you have not worked with me.

Marriage counseling does not have to be boring. Marriage counseling does not have to feel like a wrestling match.

Marriage counseling counseling is simply just a system to equip you with the necessary tools that you need to thrive in your relationship.

Every week, we focus on a different area of your relationship. It could be friendship and intimacy, managing conflict, building life's hopes and dreams, establishing communication, trust and commitment. I typically will bring my personality into the session, so we will share lots of laughs. I throw in a little bit of shade, and it does not have to feel like a funeral.

7) Marriage counseling will finally fix my husband/wife

If you're coming into couples therapy or marriage counseling to fix your spouse, I have bad news for you. Your entire job in couples therapy is actually to work on you. You have absolutely no control over what your spouse does or thinks, however you have 100% of control over your thoughts, your feelings and your behavior. The process of marriage counseling actually helps you look inward and repair the areas where you are weak.

You’ll learn how to listen, how to speak, how to manage overwhelming emotions, and possibly how to become a lot more trustworthy. It’s basically like individual therapy, but your spouse tags along.

8) we are going to be in couples counseling forever

Most of my couples actually do not spend a whole lot of time with me. Because I do an in-depth science backed assessment during the first four sessions, we will know what your relational areas of strength are as well as your areas of weaknesses.

My job during couples counseling is to focus solely on the areas of weakness, teach you practical skills to improve those weaknesses, and help you communicate with one another so that you're better able to manage conflicts.

Now depending on what your situation is (trauma, substance use, infidelity), the sessions could run longer. But the length of couples therapy sessions depend on you. Small work you put into it, the sooner you see positive results.

If you are ready to turn your cold relationship into a red hot, intimate and friendship filled marriage, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call with me. Couples counseling in Houston can help you turn your relationship around.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 2/17/22 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 2/17/22

Questions to ask a prospective marriage counselor or therapist in Houston

Starting marriage counseling could be nerve-racking – especially if you've never been to marriage counseling in Houston before. You get some referrals from your church or maybe you get referrals from friends and loved ones. They tell you to check out this amazing marriage counselor, but you’re not even sure what to ask them when you finally get on the phone with them.

Here are some simple questions that you can ask a prospective relationship therapist in Houston, to ensure that you get the best marriage counseling in Houston.

1) What is your couples counseling style?

All marriage counseling in Houston is NOT created equally. Some relationship therapists in Houston have so much better skill than others. It is important that you find the best marriage counseling in Houston for you. Marriage counseling can easily become a referee separating two opponents. And you don’t want that. You want emotional safety and understanding.

The best couples counselors in Houston know that it is very important to have an in-depth assessment, so that they can better understand your emotional history, the way you were raised, your specific environment, your personality, as well as everything that makes you who you are.

Great couples counseling in Houston should actually involve specific skills to help you change the way you interact with your spouse. So don't be shy to ask your potential marriage counselor to go in depth about their marriage counseling style. Your marriage is too important to skip over this.

2) How long will we meet for marriage counseling and how often?

In my opinion, great marriage counseling in Houston should occur every week- at least at the beginning of couples counseling sessions. When you begin marriage counseling, you and your spouse are probably in a pretty bad place in your relationship and you're both willing to do the work now. Great relationship therapy in Houston or couples therapy in Houston should be consistent.

If you do not see your Houston marriage counselor frequently enough, you can easily lose motivation and go back to old habits that landed your marriage in the position that you are right now. So in order to see change, it is important that you are willing to see your marriage therapist each week until you have met all your goals.

Which brings us to goals. A great marriage counselor will set specific goals so that you know whether or not the therapy is working.

3) How much does marriage counseling in Houston cost?

Marriage counseling in Houston is often not covered by insurance. However, do not take my word for it. I highly suggest that you call your insurance company to see if they provide reimbursement for marriage counseling. It is important that before the sessions begin, you ask the therapist how much the sessions would cost. That way you and your spouse can put this recurring cost into your monthly budget.

I like to get this part out of the way so that once we begin couples counseling, our only focus should be on the health of your relationship, rather than finances.

It is important to note that marriage counseling in Houston, and everywhere else, is an additional skill that not every licensed marriage and family therapist or licensed clinical counselor or licensed clinical social worker is great at. In graduate school, many of us did not get adequate knowledge and skills for conducting marriage counseling.

That being said, marriage counseling is a specialized skill and it could possibly be costly. But do not necessarily go for the cheapest marriage counselor, go for the one who is the best marriage counselor for you. Marriage counseling is cheaper than a divorce.

4) Will we be doing any formal assessments during couples therapy or will this be casual?

I might be biased, but I believe that great marriage counseling should involve formal assessments, so that your therapist is not just guessing. You want your therapist to actually have scientific back up to know where your strengths are as well as where your weaknesses are. This saves a lot of time on guessing games.

However, you might not like formal assessments. So it is important to know whether or not a couples counselor will be using formal assessments- so that you can decide whether or not they are a great fit for you.

5) What happens if me and my spouse have an argument in a marriage counseling session?

There is a possibility that marriage counseling sessions could get heated. Sometimes your spouse will bring up something that gets on your last nerves- and you might decide to yell at him. At the beginning of marriage counseling sessions in Houston, usually everybody is on their best behavior, but as you begin to get more comfortable with your therapist, the wild side can show up.

Ask the couples therapist exactly what they will do should both of you start to go at it in session. This is important, so that you know whether or not this relationship therapist is a great fit for you.

Notice that I talk about goodness of fit a lot. In my opinion, the best marriage counselor for you would be one whose skills, educational background, and personality match you and your partners. Some marriage counselors are more uptight, some are more jokey (like me), and some have no personality. Pick the one whom both of you are the most comfortable with.

6) How do we know when we are ready to graduate from marriage counseling in Houston?

Marriage counseling in Houston should not go on forever. Although it may feel nice to be heard and to be in a validating environment, there has to be an end to couples therapy at some point. Ask your Houston relationship therapist if they have any type of outcome measures to help you understand how close you are to getting to your goal. That way you're not playing the guessing game and wondering when this whole couples therapy thing will be over.

The best marriage counselors in Houston are the ones who are transparent and whose clients are able to trust them.

7) Do you have additional training in marital counseling or relationship therapy?

Marriage counseling is actually a specialized skill which many therapists and counselors do not possess. Although I am called a licensed marriage and family therapist, that title can actually be deceptive.

In many therapy graduate programs, the students are not provided with as much knowledge of marriage counseling as they could be. Because of this, many of us therapists seek additional training and supervision in the art of marriage counseling after we are done with our degrees. Let me say that again. The best marriage counselors in Houston keep learning and growing.

Ask any potential marriage counselor in Houston if they have additional training in couples therapy or relationship therapy. You could even ask them what that additional training is.

For me, I am trained in level 1 and 2 of the Gottman method. This is one of the most renowned marriage counseling methods. It is research-based and produces positive results. So ask. Your marriage is worth it.

8) What are your credentials?

You can ask them what their credentials are. Are they a life coach? Are they a relationship coach? Are they a licensed marriage and family therapist? Are they an associate marriage and family therapist? Are they a licensed professional clinical counselor? Are they a social worker? Or are they a licensed clinical social worker?

Although there is a lot of overlap in these professions, it's good to know exactly whom you are seeing. This way you don't end up seeing a life coach when you thought you were seeing a therapist or vice versa.

There you have it. Those are some questions that you should ask a potential marriage counselor in Houston. If you're ready to begin working on your marriage so that you can increase friendship, intimacy and you can finally start to enjoy your life again, click here to schedule a free 15- minute consultation call with me today.

Relationship therapy in Houston is what you need.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a Black licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are: