What your therapist is thinking when you're in session

Going to therapy or counseling with a therapist or psychologist can be difficult. You’ve probably struggled with whatever the issue is for months, or maybe years. You scour through all the Google or Psychology Today searches trying to find the best therapist for you. Maybe it’s your first time in therapy, so you’re super nervous about the therapy process. You’re not sure what to expect. And if you happen to live nearby, you know there a ton of therapists in the Murrieta/Temecula area to choose from.

Maybe you’ve watched therapy sessions on YouTube to try to get a feel for what therapy might look like. Or maybe you’ve Googled your way around the internet to help you feel more comfortable with the concept of siting with a therapist. By the way, I wrote a blog post about what your first therapy session looks like. You can read more about that here. Well if you’re ready to dive into therapy, and you wonder what your therapist is thinking when she sits across from you for 50 minutes, I’m here to lift the veil a bit. Therapy is a lot less spooky than you think. And no, I don’t typically say “What I hear you saying is…”

So here it goes. Here are 5 things I’m thinking when I sit across from my therapy clients:

You have a ton of strengths

When I meet you for the first time, I make it a point to listen in for as many strengths as I can. In our first session together, I typically will ask you “What are your strengths?” If at that time, you’re not able to come up with any, that’s fine, because I have got you covered. As you talk to me about who you are, what brought you into therapy and what you’re trying to accomplish, all I hear are your strengths. Most people I see are kind, resilient and intelligent, the problem is they haven’t been told that before. It is my job to help you see your strengths and learn how to harness the power of your strengths so that your life can blossom.

You’re going to be okay

Typically, I know that you’re going to be okay before you do. I’ve been a therapist for many years, I’ve seen so many different types of clients come in with all sorts of struggles, and I have a good sense of what the outcome will be. Because I am very selective about the clients I work with, I typically pick clients whom I can help- that way I’m not wasting your time. So after the first session, I know that you are going to be okay. The challenge for me is helping you truly believe that and harnessing your super powers (everyone has them) so that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for you.

I really love what I do

Some days I really feel like pinching myself because I don’t believe that people actually allow me the privilege of entering into the dark spaces of their hearts and minds, and walking with them as they find their way to the light. Every single time I get to be in a therapy session, I think about the unique honor of being a therapist. And do I really love what I do? Absolutely. There is no other profession I would have chosen. And yes, sometimes when I’m sitting across from you, my heart does feel warm and fuzzy because you have allowed me to be a part of your success story.

If you think about it, most people hold on to their struggles and pain. Only very few people actually go on to see a therapist to talk about these painful struggles that they’ve been battling with for years. And so it’s not lost on me that you are making a brave choice to come into my therapy office in Murrieta or meet with me for online counseling or teletherapy.

I can’t wait till you get to the other side of your pain

My job is to hold hope for you when you don’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, because I’m the only one in the room who knows there’s light at the end of the tunnel, my job is to help you get to the other side of your pain. Sometimes it is difficult for me to watch you feel pain and struggle, but because I always hold hope for my clients, I know that your life is going to be so amazing if I can get you over the threshold and unto the other side. Because although there are many lessons to learn when you’re sitting on the therapy couch and battling through all the difficulty, when you finally get to the other side, your life will blossom beyond your wildest imagination- at least that’s what I think.

You’re going to do great things

Now of course, I am very biased and I believe in the transformative power of therapy. But it is my belief that when people are transformed in the therapy room, they not only change their lives, but they also have the opportunity to change the lives of their families, friends and loved ones for the better. Your outlook on life changes, the way you talk changes, who you are even changes as well. And when I sit across from you, I get to see the transformation week to week. I often think about the way my clients are going to impact their families, impact their friends and just become a much better version of themselves.

The therapy process is truly a beautiful thing.

And there you have it. A little peak into the mind of a therapist. If you are considering seeking out therapy or counseling in Murrieta, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. It’s important that your therapist is a great fit for you, so that you too can get to the other side of your anxiety or insomnia. I provide therapy or counseling services for women who struggle with anxiety and insomnia. Call now for your free 15-minute consultation.

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How to set goals you can actually accomplish in 2019

Happy New Year! I can't believe it's already 2019. It seems as if last year rolled by too fast. Now, if you're like most people, you probably have great dreams for this year. You want your life to be filled with joy, you want your family to be healthy, and you want to accomplish some great goals. The problem is you have a bad habit of setting New Year's resolutions and then forgetting all about them by February.

Remember that unused gym membership from 2018? Remember the time when you said you were going to write a book but you didn't? Well, today is your lucky day because I'm going to give you 6 tips to increase your chances of actually following through with your goal.

1) Make your goals SMART

We all set life goals, but the problem is that some of us have goals that are way too vague. 'Make more money,' 'Lose weight,' 'Be happier,' all sound like great goals on the surface, but they are way too broad. I like to break my goals up in a SMART way. Here are the steps:

Make sure your goal is Specific: Make sure your goal isn't too vague. You brain can't compute anything that's too vague and your heart won't become emotionally tied to a vague goal. If you are emotionally attached to your goal, you'll be more motivated to follow through. So, you could say something like "I want to make $1,000 more in January 2019." That's as specific as it gets. 

Make it Measurable: Quantify your goals. Make sure each goal either has a completion date or some type of number attached to it. So your money goal of making $1,000 in January 2019 is measurable. We know exactly how much money you're trying to make and we know the deadline for completing the goal. That way you can break it down further each week to know what targets you should be hitting to stay on track.

Make sure it's Achievable: It's always great to reach for the sky, but how many of us have actually ever touched the sky?  If your goal is unattainable, it has the opposite result. You'll get discouraged and stop trying to pursue it. If your goal is to make $1000 in January 2019 but you haven't held a job in the past 5 years, chances are you might not be able to achieve it. So set something attainable, then set another goal as soon as you reach that one. So if you haven't had a job in 5 years, perhaps your goal could be to make $100 extra in January 2019. After you've met that goal, set a goal to make $200. Be systematic.

Make sure it's Reasonable: Also pay attention to your abilities, the level of support you have in your life, and your resources. If your goal is to travel to 5 countries this year but you know that you work a regular 9 to 5 job and you don't have any time off, that's pretty unreasonable. Even though it's great to think outside the box, an unreasonable goal will discourage you. And a discouraged person most likely won't be motivated to complete a goal.

Make it Time Limited: Add a completion date to your goal. An open ended goal will kill your ambition and you'll lose steam fast. But when you know you're going to be working toward a goal for a limited amount of time, it's easier to maintain focus. It's helpful to set 3 month and 6 month goals to begin with. Then as you get good at maintaining your focus, you can stretch those goals into 1-year, 2-year and 3-year goals.

2) Get an accountability partner: When you have someone positive cheering you on, you are more likely to work tirelessly toward your goal because you know they're going to ask you about it. No one wants to deal with the embarrassment of letting their accountability partner down. Make sure you only pick someone who is positive and encouraging. A Debbie Downer will kill your mojo.

3) Post your goals somewhere visible: I like the added accountability of posting my goals on a mirror, a door, in my car or somewhere I cannot ignore it. Why? Because if you can't see your goals, you can easily ignore them. Out of sight, out of mind. But when you are greeted by your goals every single day, you'll be more motived to actually work towards them.

4) Plan out small steps towards your big goal: A 5 year goal can be very daunting. So after writing the long term goal, break it down further. If you want to accomplish something big like buying a house in 5 years, what would you need to do in 3 years to help you reach the goal? Break it down further. What would you need to do in 1 year to reach your goal? Break it down further! What would you need to do in 6 months to reach your goal? Even further. What would you need to do in 3 months, and then weekly to reach your goal?

5) Schedule everything: Once you've broken down your goal into smaller steps, it's time to schedule it out on your planner or phone. I love Google Calendar. It's free and it can also send you reminders. Spend 1 day planning out your tasks and setting them automatically on your phone. That way when the alert pops up, you remember to get right on it.

6) Give yourself a reward: Goal setting is difficult business. Set a benchmark for yourself and agree to give yourself a reward every time you hit that benchmark. So for example, if your goal is to make $1000 more in January, you can buy yourself a treat every time you make $250. If your goal is to buy a house, you can do something special every 3 months as you're on your way to rocking your goal.

There you have it- 6 easy ways to actually accomplish your goals this year. And if anxiety or insomnia are keeping you from accomplishing your goals, I'd love to chat with you for 15 minutes to see if I might be a good fit for you. I help anxious women, insomniacs and engaged couples in the Temecula/Murrieta feel calmer, sleep better and lay a solid foundation for their future. Click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call.

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

You have always felt like you're different from other people. You get overwhelmed easily, you feel other people's emotions strongly, certain fabrics feel like sandpaper when they touch your skin, and you tend to get anxious a lot. You don't fit in in the world, your family thinks you're too sensitive, and your friends certainly don't get you. You were called "Weird" when you were growing up, but you've always hated that. You don't enjoy going to the club, other loud places, or being among a large crowd. You also tend to spend a great deal of time on your own. There's something about time alone that soothes you and makes you feel rejuvenated.

Maybe you're simply just unique.

You were created with certain unique gifts that set you apart from the people around you. Maybe that's why you never fit into a box. But let's face it, a part of you always wanted to be understood. A part of you wished others would understand you. But maybe you were never meant to fit in, maybe boxes weren't made for people like you.

A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who processes stimuli a lot stronger than others. The term was actually coined by a researcher called Dr Elaine Aron. So you might hear a lot sharper than others, notice little nuances in the environment that others ignore, feel sensations stronger (hence the itchy fabric issue) and even feel emotions more strongly than others. You feelings might get hurt more easily. A HSP is often very empathetic. They might cry more when they watch a sad movie, or they might be completely horrified and might not be able to watch violent movies or play graphic video games. They often see the hurt and the pain that other people try to hide. Because they're so empathetic, others tend to gravitate towards them and pour out their hearts to them. But the problem with this is, a HSP often feels the need to help everyone- leaving her with no energy left for her own emotional needs. If you're curious to see if you're a HSP, take the test here.

Here are some traits of HSPs:

1) People think you're sensitive or shy.

2) You are bothered by loud noises and bright lights.

3) You get frazzled when there's too much going on in your life.

4) You enjoy structure.

5) You avoid violent movies and games.

6) You love spending time all by yourself.

7) You tend to soak up other people's emotions.

So if you take the HSP test and find out that you're a HSP, congrats!! You are one of the chosen few. Only 15% to 20% of people are HSP. This is why others find it difficult to understand you-it's because you're a rarity. So take off the stigma of being weird and different. You are indeed unique- not weird. I love helping HSP women learn how to care for themselves, learn how to maneuver their way in this loud world so that they can how harness their innate gifts and create meaningful relationships. Click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call, so I can help you move from emotionally exhausted woman to a master boundary setter. I also provide online counseling for women throughout CA.

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