Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA &amp; TX

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

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The power of listening: Strengthening communication in Christian marriages

Listening is more than hearing—it’s a way to build trust, love, and spiritual connection in your marriage. My blog offers gentle guidance for Christian couples ready to grow. Explore how Christian marriage counseling Houston and a Christian therapist Houston can help.

Why Listening is the Key to a Strong Christian Marriage

One of my favorite scriptures is James 1:19 which says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.“ Even though James was not exclusively speaking to a married audience, if we took this advice and implemented it in our marriages, things would look so different. Most people think that they are great listeners, but the truth is most of us are actually poor listeners. When you take your time, suspend judgment, temporarily put your emotions on the shelf, so that you can listen to your spouse, it helps him or her feel important.

When your spouse is offloading something important to you, or even talking about something that he thinks is small, if he knows he will be met with your full attention, and that you’d ask deeper questions about his experience, it increases intimacy, friendship and closeness.

Listening Mistakes

One of the biggest mistakes I see in marriage, is listening long enough to form a judgement and react, rather than listening to truly understand your spouse. This can feel disrespectful to your spouse. It means his point of view is so unimportant that it doesn’t even warrant some deep reflection on your part. You hear what he or she just said, you think on it for 5 milliseconds, then you proceed to state your point of view.

Another listening mistake I notice is responding without fully understanding what your spouse means. Without clarifying questions, you are only responding based off of a guess. But when you clarify, you’re responding off of facts.

But what would happen if you asked more questions? Like:

“Tell me more about what you were just saying.”

“How do you feel about [insert issue]?”

“How can I support you with this?”

“Is there more you want me to know?‘

“Do you feel understood by me? How can I bridge that gap for you?“

When you do all of this, your spouse learns to trust you more. The friendship expands and the emotional safety will also increase in your home.

The Biggest Communication Barriers in Christian Marriages (and How to Overcome Them)

Not Paying Attention

The first step in having good communication is knowing what the barriers are in your home. One big barrier to good communication with your spouse is not actually paying attention. I know this should not have to be stated, but we live in a world in which people look at and interact with their phones more than they interact with their loved ones. On the surface it might not seem like a big deal, but do a little time study. Notice how often you actually look at the face of your spouse versus how much time you spend staring at electronic devices.

Even if you think you are a great multitasker, when someone is speaking to you and you cannot give them your undivided attention, it sends the message that they are unimportant to you. Remove that barrier from your life.

Making Assumptions

Another barrier to great communication is making assumptions. Now, everyone does this. because when we hear a statement, we filter it through our own personalities, experiences and emotions. The only way to accurately know what someone means is to ask them what they mean. Don’t fall into the trap of using their nonverbal behavior to try to interpret their motives. This is a huge barrier to great communication.

Past Emotional Wounds

Barrier number three is emotional wounds which can block healthy dialogue. Perhaps you and your spouse have unhealed wounds which you have inflicted on another. So every time your spouse says something deep to you, you filter it through the lens of your pain. You assume that he will hurt you once again. The way to heal this is to actually discuss the wound, talk through it calmly, then identify how to move past it.

Misunderstanding Each Other

Another barrier to good communication is simple misunderstandings. If you are a highly sensitive person who is married to a non highly sensitive person (which is very likely), he might have a hard time understanding your nuances. And you might find your spouse a bit aloof or harsh. It's a simple fix. Your job is to teach your spouse what it feels like to be highly sensitive. Remember that his brain is wired completely differently from yours, so he interprets the world from his lens- as opposed to yours.

Help him better understand what it feels like to deeply process everything around you, to be so emotionally drained by the end of the day that your body feels exhausted, to spend so much time trying to filter out stimuli that bugs you (stimuli he will never even notice). Or to feel the emotions of others so strongly that you don’t know where you start and they end. Once he better understands your experience, he'll be able to be so much gentler than you. Do not be afraid to ask for what you need because a closed mouth does not get fed.

If it feels like too much of an ask to open up and talk to your spouse about what you need, then perhaps Christian marriage counseling in Houston is the right next step for you. It is my job as a marriage therapist to teach you skills to be able to ask for what you need, know how to listen deeply, strengthen the friendship and intimacy that you once had, and know what to do when persistent problems show up. You will learn to speak in his language and he in turn will speak in yours.

Hello happy, confident marriage!

How to Become a Better Listener (Even When You Feel Unheard)

Sometimes you have to take the lead when it feels like your marriage is in a pit. What I see most often is that in most married relationships, each person is waiting for the other to step up, and no one ends up stepping up. This leads to the marriage just imploding. But what would happen if one of you just decided to take the bull by the horns and do what needs to be done in your marriage?

Here’s how you can take the lead.

One of the ways to improve your listening skills is to take notes when your spouse is talking about something important. This might seem extremely odd, but think about it this way- when you're listening to an important podcast, a sermon, or a business meeting, do you not take notes? You do because you do not want to miss anything. So let your spouse know that you're taking notes because what he saying is very important to you.

Another step is to suspend judgment and emotions. There is room for you to form a conclusion and to have emotions, but when you are listening to your spouse, your job is to truly put yourself in his shoes so that you can understand his perspective. When you understand his perspective, it'll be much easier to come to a joint conclusion than if you were spending your time judging and feeling anger. So think of yourself as a court stenographer. Your job is to note the facts, and your personal opinion can be put on the shelf for now.

Focus on finding out more. Ask about more details, ask about how your spouse feels, the type of support that your spouse might need, whether or not your spouse feels like he needs an apology, ask about how you can make amends so that you can heal the wound, and really get to know what is in his head and on his heart. Let him know that you are here for him and you wish to make things better. When you do this he naturally will want to reciprocate and find out about your perspective. Do not forget to validate his feelings. Validation simply means accepting that his feelings are real. You do not have to agree with his feelings or even understand why he feels the way that he does. It is as simple as saying "I can see why you would feel that way.”

Great communication is based on empathy and patience. If your relationship is currently in a bad place, it might take a while for your spouse to even feel comfortable enough to open up to you and vice versa, but dig your heels in. As long as both of you are willing to work through things and learn how to communicate, things will get better. You will not master the skills in one day, but if you keep trying, things will improve. Please note that I write with the assumption that you are not in an abusive situation. My assumption is that both of you are healthy, and treat each other with love and respect.

As a Black therapist in Houston, one of the things that I do to help Christian couples is help you break away from the dysfunctional inter-generational wounds that have been passed down to you. Chances are you might have come from a family dynamic in which your parents did not always get along, or there was disrespect in the household. My job is to help you heal from that, but also grow away from that. This way you will be passing down intergenerational healing and effective communication skills to your children. You can maintain your cultural values while healing at the same time.

When Words Aren’t Enough: How to Show Your Spouse You’re Truly Listening

If you and your spouse already have a long history of poor communication, your actions have to speak louder than your words. So when your spouse is speaking, it is important not to interrupt him. Let him finish his sentence. Ask further questions so that he knows that you are interested. Eye contact is also important to let him know that he is the most important thing in the room. So put that phone away.

Turn off the TV and put away any other distractions that might be getting in the way. Apologize when you do something wrong and also speak up when you feel like you have been wronged- so that he can give you an apology too. Tone of voice is also important. You can say anything to your spouse, but if you say it in a mean way, chances are he will put a wall up or react negatively. So make sure that you are being gentle. Yes, both men and women need gentleness.

And when it is all said and done, hold hands or do some type of a gesture to help each other feel comforted. Make sure your mind doesn’t wander during an important conversation. If you didn't hear something he said, ask him to repeat himself. But let him know that you are asking so that you don't miss anything.

If you and your spouse are currently in a season where you're actively working to rebuild your marriage, remember that your faith can be a part of it. You can pray together every day as it is a way to not just connect with God, but to also connect with one another. Your Christian faith helps to remind you of your values. You can also commit to having a couples Bible study together. What better way to boost your faith than learning, teaching each other and having the Holy Spirit convict you as a couple? Find a joint activity that will remind you of the good old days. The goal is to rebuild trust and connection with one another.

Strengthen Your Marriage with Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

How professional guidance can transform the way you and your spouse communicate

The benefits of working with a Black therapist in Houston for culturally aligned counseling

The average couple waits for about six years after they realize they have a marital problem before they actually seek help. That is shocking. In six years you can complete both a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree. And if you hustle really badly, you might be in your first year of a PhD program.

In six years the newborn would have already started school. So that is a long time to waste. When you work with a Christian marriage counselor like me, I take all the guesswork out of marriage counseling. Chances are you have read blogs like this one, you have read books, listened to podcasts, prayed, fasted, talked to every friend that you have and you feel so frustrated- because your marriage is still failing.

Because I am a professional who is trained in marriage and relationship dynamics, I am able to see your blind spots. My job is to teach you good communication, how to strengthen your friendship, effective conflict management, how to make your life goals and dreams come true, and how to essentially revive your dying marriage. When you work with a Black therapist in Houston, the counseling is culturally aligned. You do not have to explain to me what your morals and values are. You can still continue to pass down your dreams to your children, and you have the comfort of knowing that you're receiving professional help from someone who looks like you.

Ready to improve communication in your Christian marriage? Schedule a free 15-minute consult for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today.

About Me

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/8/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 4/8/25

Embracing Your Sensitivity: Allowing Yourself to Be Soft and Vulnerable in Marriage

Your sensitivity is not a flaw—it’s a doorway to deeper connection in your marriage. This blog offers gentle guidance for highly sensitive women navigating love, faith, and vulnerability. Written by a Black therapist in Houston offering Christian marriage counseling.

The Power of Vulnerability: Why It’s Important for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

Let's first of all start with the word "Soft." Most people don’t love being called soft. Especially if you are a Black highly sensitive woman. Chances are that all of your life you've been told that you are too soft, you cry too much, you care too much, you think about things too much, you do too much, you are too much, or you are too sensitive. And so you've spent a good portion of your life trying to mask your true self. What is important is that we reclaim the word ‘soft,’ because soft is the reason why you are able to connect with people around you. Your softness is the reason why you can connect with your kids, why you’re trustworthy and why people feel safe around you.

It’s the same thing in marriage. If you always put a wall up or your armor on, your husband will never get to know the real you. As a Black therapist in Houston, I see this time and time again. If he doesn't get to know the real you, he'll have a hard time trusting you. Think about it this way- it is hard for you to trust a stranger. If you go to a store every day and you see the same cashier every day, without actually knowing details about her life, it is difficult for you to trust hr with important things. You might trust her to check out your groceries, but you most certainly wouldn't trust her to pick your kids up from school. Because you do not in fact know her.

In the same way, when your spouse barely knows who you are, it also makes it difficult for you to trust him, because there is no actual emotional intimacy in your marriage. Please note that emotional intimacy is different from sex. One of them is a physical act, and the other is the ability to peel off all the layers until your spouse knows you at your core. They definitely are interrelated.

When you are able to be vulnerable with your spouse, your connection deepens. Especially if you are a highly sensitive woman. Your friendship with your spouse will grow. It is important for your spouse to understand what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what your goals, cares, ambitions, irritations and more are. The more he knows, the more he is able to respond to and meet your needs.

How Sensitivity Can Be Your Strength in Relationships

To get to a place in which softness can be embraced, you first have to look at your view of sensitivity. If when you were growing up, sensitivity was something that was looked down upon, irritating to others or laughed at, then chances are you view your sensitivity as something negative. However, if your sensitivity was embraced, chances are you feel like being soft is a good thing.

But the thing about sensitivity is that it is not a disorder or anything negative. It is simply the way you were created. It is no different than someone being introverted versus another person being more extroverted. Neither is good or bad- they both have their place in society. The great thing about sensitivity is that there's so much strength within it. Because you are the one who notices nuances that most people miss. And you are the first person to notice when there is a problem. Even when others may notice the problem, they may not do anything about it because they're not deeply emotionally connected to the people and things around them. It is often the highly sensitive people who champion great causes and affect change because they feel the struggles of others so deeply that they have to do some thing in order to feel better living in the world that they do.

Sensitivity is a great tool to foster empathy and understanding in your marriage. Highly sensitive people are deep wells. They are the people who ask you “How are you doing?” But they did not expect to just hear “Fine.” They actually want to know how you’re truly doing and they will spend the time to listen to you, to encourage you or uplift you. Sensitivity allows for deeper connections, thereby making relationships more fulfilling.

The Fear of Being Too Soft: What’s Holding You Back from Vulnerability?

One of the common misconceptions about vulnerability is that it will create weakness and it is a path to getting hurt. However when we're talking about a marriage, the assumption is that you and your spouse love each other and you want what is best for one another. When couples come to me for marriage counseling in Houston, their main struggle is that they feel like they have drifted apart and that they are not as close as they used to be. In this case, vulnerability is what they need. If you're highly sensitive, vulnerability is exactly what you want in your marriage.

When both of you learn how to truly communicate with one another, how to listen to one another, how to manage conflict effectively and how to strengthen the friendship in your marriage, then you probably will not be getting hurt so much. In this case, vulnerability will actually help you get a lot closer to one another. As we work on self compassion as well as compassion for one another, as we build trust in the marriage, then vulnerability will become so much easier. It's really about putting away the fear of being too soft and leaning into being very connected to spouse. And these are the skills I teach during Christian marriage counseling.

Practical Ways to Open Up and Embrace Softness in Your Marriage

Vulnerability starts with feeling safe enough to open up to your spouse. If you're not feeling emotionally safe enough to be open to your spouse, then perhaps marriage counseling in Houston is where you need to start. Because it is important that I do not set you up for failure. Sometimes a professional third-party is who you need to get the ball rolling.

But if you do feel emotionally safe enough to open up to your spouse, start with expressing your emotions gently. You can even start with expressing something as simple as joy, gratitude or excitement. Start that way and see how your spouse responds. If he gives you a lackluster response, you can coach him a little bit about what response would lighten up your heart. Help him know that you're trying something new by trying to be more vulnerable so that you can create more intimacy, friendship and trust in your marriage.

Another way to invite vulnerability into your marriage is by sharing your needs. Sometimes as a highly sensitive person, you're so used to meeting the needs of other people, that you don't even know what you need. Get a notebook and sit down every night with it. Ask yourself “If someone were to grant me one wish that would change my marriage, what would it be?” Is it to sit and go over the day with your spouse each night? Is it to go on regular dates with your spouse? Is it a hug or a kiss? Is it to work together as a team to tackle domestic work or chip away at your long-term goals? Write it down and share it with him.

Be easy on yourself. Because this is something that you're not used to, it might feel difficult at first. Practice makes things better. And remind yourself that your spouse might not be used to you being open in your marriage. His response might be puzzling at first. Again, let him know that you're trying something different and you want a gentle reaction. Give him a few examples of what gentle means to you. Because we are all different.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Embrace Vulnerability in Your Marriage

My job as a marriage counselor in Houston is to help highly sensitive individuals learn how to embrace their softness and vulnerability in marriage. In a strong marriage, you get to be yourself. You get to be as soft as you really are, you get to be as introverted or extroverted as you really are and you do not need to wear a mask. My job as a couples therapist is to show you how to create a safe space in your marriage, so that you always feel comfortable peeling off the layers, letting your spouse know how you feel and what you need.

And of course it is a two-way street. So the goal is for you to also create a safe space so that your spouse can feel safe enough to open up, show you who he really is, so that you can grow the friendship in your relationship, know what to do when conflict shows up, and share life's goals and dreams together. Without vulnerability there is no healthy marriage. Without vulnerability, all we have are two roommates pretending to be married.

During our Christian marriage counseling sessions, you will learn how to establish trust, how to speak to your spouse in a way that he can listen, how to listen deeply to your spouse, how to meet each other's needs, as well as what to do when things go south. Because your marriage is not going to be perfect, but both of you can work together as a team to make sure that the marriage is good.

If you're ready to embrace vulnerability and build a stronger emotional connection in your marriage, reach out to a Black therapist in Houston for Christian marriage counseling. Together, we'll help you navigate your high sensitivity and strengthen your bond. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for virtual marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

About Me

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 2/4/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 2/4/25

Balancing Sensitivity and Assertiveness: Tips for Highly Sensitive People

Finding the balance between sensitivity and assertiveness can feel tricky, but it’s absolutely possible! This blog explores practical tips to help highly sensitive people set boundaries with confidence. Need extra support? Trauma therapy in Houston with a Christian therapist in Houston can help you thrive!

Speak Up Without Shutting Down: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Find Their Assertive Voice

One of the difficulties of high sensitivity is being able to communicate effectively and assertively when you are feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes you find that it is much easier for you to write out your thoughts than actually speaking them out loud. But that's OK because we all process differently. The good thing about high sensitivity is that there's really nothing that you need to fix about yourself, you just have to learn how to live with your trait. Once you learn how to live with your trait, your relationships can blossom.

Sometimes when you do try to assert yourself in your personal relationships, you either feel overwhelmed or you think you are being mean. But remember, assertiveness simply means that you are talking to someone with the assumption that both of you matter. This means that your needs deserve to be met and so do theirs. Aggressiveness or meanness, means approaching a relationship with the assumption that the other persons needs do not matter.

A great way of remedying this situation, is to take a short time out when you feel overwhelmed, Rather than trying to push the big emotions away, take a break and lean into them. Notice the emotions welling up in your body. Acknowledge them and let them be there until they are ready to simmer down. Don’t try to fix the situation while still feeling overwhelmed.

The next step is to find an activity to take your mind off the situation. It could be going outside and noticing the passersby, writing, working out, praying, music, singing or spending time alone. Do whatever soothes you. Once you feel adequately soothed, you can now spend some time figuring out why you feel the way that you do and how you want to communicate your needs verbally. If it helps to write it out first, then do so. If it helps to practice what you’re going to say in your head or out loud, then do so. This could give you the confidence you need.

And if you just get stuck in the chronic cycle of shutting down, enter Brainspotting therapy in Houston. This is a great way to help you get unstuck and break habits that have not been serving you well. Brainspotting therapy in Houston can help you uncover the root of people pleasing and also help you build the confidence that you need to speak up assertively. Because if you have not uprooted people pleasing, speaking assertively will be very difficult for you.

How to Be Both Empathetic and Assertive in Your Relationships (Yes, You Can Do Both!)

Yes, it is actually possible to be empathetic and assertive at the same time. Because the root of assertiveness lies in the idea that both people in the relationship are important. And empathy is really about understanding the other person’s point of view and emotions. To be assertive means that you were able to take the other person into consideration, honor their emotions and state your point of view to get your needs met.

Before trying to be assertive with someone, ensure that you are not in an emotionally overwhelmed state. It is OK if you take some time to breathe and gather your thoughts. You might also want to practice your statement a few times before actually saying it to them. This ensures that you'll be able to discuss it in a clearheaded and confident manner. Ask yourself what outcome you are looking to achieve. And that will determine exactly what to say and how to say it. Remember to state what you have to say calmly and confidently. You might want to ask them to give you some time to talk without them interrupting you (to reduce feelings of overwhelm). And if you feel like past traumas or fears are preventing you from standing up for yourself, consider Brainspotting therapy in Houston. It is a great way to quickly uproot difficult emotional blocks that are keeping you stuck and preventing you from being the assertiveness boss lady that you know you can be.

Empathy is helping people also respect you and your feelings. We do others a disservice when we cater to them uneccesraily. The kind thing to do is show them how to share space with you by assertively speaking up when you do have soothing to say.

Here’s a quick formula to help you with assertiveness.

“I feel [insert feeling word] about [identify the situation]. And here’s what I need [include your direct and specific needs here].”

For example:

“ I feel upset about not being included in the planning. What I need is an invite to the planning committee.”

“I feel disrespected when you stare at your phone when speaking to me. What I need is eye contact when I am speaking to you.”

Setting Boundaries with Love: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Assert Themselves Without Guilt

When you are thinking about setting clear boundaries with others, remember your why. Give yourself one or two reasons why these boundaries are actually important to you. What do you have to gain from setting these boundaries? What will you lose if you refuse to set the boundary? What part of your life is not working well because you have refused to set boundaries?

You might even want to write this down on an index card or on your phone so that you can constantly remind yourself about the importance of boundary setting. For most people, lack of boundary setting can lead to people pleasing, frustration, and a breakdown in the relationship. You might even feel that you're constantly being used by the other person with nothing to gain on your part. Once you know exactly why boundary setting is important, it is a lot easier to finally set better boundaries. And ensure that when you want to set the boundary, you actually create rules that you are able to keep.

Start small, be firm, yet loving. Remember that when you set boundaries, it actually helps the other person respect you more. And respectful relationships are healthy relationships.

Here’s the simple formula again. First address your emotions, then say what led to the emotions. Finally, ask for what you need.

“I feel disrespected because you did not invite me to the dinner with the team. What I would like is to be included in team meetings and dinners.” It’s simple and straight to the point.

Here’s another example.

“I feel tired from working all day. I would like to stay home instead of go out tonight.”

To take the guilt away, remind yourself that healthy assertive boundaries help people respect you and also understand your needs. Assertiveness teaches others how to treat us so that we don’t feel stepped on.

From Overwhelmed to Empowered: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Master Assertive Communication

High performing women can quickly fall into the trap of constantly being overwhelmed by taking on the responsibility of others and creating mile long to do lists. High-performing women also struggle with asking for help and delegating when they do need it. And because of the elements of people pleasing, highly sensitive high-performing women sometimes struggle in silence while appearing to look competent.

Because you look so competent and you always seem to figure things out, nobody knows that you are struggling and so nobody comes to your aid. But when you have mastered the art of assertive communication, people tend to see you as human as opposed to a superwoman.

Instead of beginning your boundary setting journey with tough conversations, begin to practice outsourcing tasks to other people. You do not have to lead with “I am overwhelmed.” Simply look around and begin to take some things off your plate. This communicates to others that you need help just like everybody else. And sometimes when these conversations feel too tough for you, remember your why.

Remember how your shoulders feel like they are breaking and ask yourself what will happen to you if you don't actually do this. If this feels too hard to do on your own, then Brainspotting therapy in Houston can help. It can help you better communicate your needs so that you can build stronger relationships through assertive communication.

Why Assertiveness Is the Key to Healthy Relationships (and How Brainspotting Can Help)

Sometimes you feel like your needs are never met in your friendships. Everyone gets what they want, but no one even remembers to check up on you. Well, in this case, it might be because you are not speaking up. Consider that people might not know what you need, unless you actually tell them what you need.

But because you have such a great poker face, you tend to look like everything is alright- when it’s not. Assertiveness is a great way to know whether or not your friends are safe. If your needs go unmet because you never told your loved ones what you need, we can argue that they don’t know your needs. However, if your needs are going unmet despite telling them what you need- that’s different story,

Assertiveness helps build vulnerability, connection and trust. When you can tell people what you need clearly, it allows them to bless you by serving you, checking up on you and providing emotional safety. If you struggle with people pleasing or being direct with people brainspotting therapy in Houston could help. It could help you heal trauma that may be blocking your ability to stand up for yourself and create healthier, more balanced relationships.

And my favorite thing about brainspotting is that it’s quite gentle on your brain.

Struggling to balance sensitivity and assertiveness in your relationships? You’re not alone. As a trauma therapist in Houston specializing in working with high-performing, highly sensitive women, I use brainspotting therapy to help you overcome the fear of speaking up, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger relationships. Whether you’re seeking a Black therapist in Houston or need trauma therapy in Houston, virtual sessions are available. Book your free 15-minute consultation session today and start your journey toward empowered relationships!

About Me

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 1/21/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 1/21/25

Perfectionism vs. Peace: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Break Free from the 'Always Perfect' Trap

Struggling with perfectionism? Highly sensitive women often feel pressure to be flawless, but it’s time to embrace peace over perfection. Learn practical strategies to set boundaries, silence your inner critic, and live authentically. Discover how therapy, like brainspotting, can help you break free from the 'always perfect' trap. Start your journey to peace with a trauma therapist in Houston today!

Perfectionism vs. Peace: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Break Free from the 'Always Perfect' Trap

When you struggle with perfectionism, you constantly feel tense because you know exactly how you want to operate in the relationship, but you find yourself saying and doing things that are incongruent with who you actually are. You essentially operate for the other person and do everything to please the other person. This creates a lot of guilt and shame for you. Because you know what you want to do. It's like your head and your heart have a disconnect. And that leaves you feeling small, feeling bad about yourself and just generally spinning your wheels. The positive thing is that perfectionism is not hardwired into your DNA. With a somatic type of therapy like Brainspotting therapy in Houston, we can actually actively work on how to remove those perfectionistic tendencies so that you can be free to be yourself again. Brainspotting does a good job of releasing the pressure of perfectionism and just allowing you to be who you really are.

How to Set Loving Boundaries in Your Relationships (Without Feeling Guilty)

When you are not used to setting clear boundaries regularly, upon the first try (and during the next few tries) you will definitely be riddled with guilt. Because you spend so much time hoping that the other person is not mad at you. You might think that they'll stop being your friend- all because of the boundary that you set. You just go down an entire rabbit hole- all because you set a boundary. Now the problem with perfectionism, is that it makes boundary setting so difficult, especially in your personal relationships. Because perfectionists expect their relationships to also be perfect. And when someone is mad at you for setting a boundary, that defeats the purpose of perfectionism. When you falter in your boundary setting attempts, that also does not register as perfect.

Setting boundaries could even cause you some anxiety and lots of discomfort. Enter my favorite thing- Brainspotting therapy. With the help of brainspotting you can go from a woman who did everything for everyone else and put her needs on the back burner, to a woman who put her needs first, continues to be empathetic and kind, and is able to create space for herself, relationships and other people too.

You do not have to give up on being the kind person that you already are. Once we are able to identify why perfectionism and people pleasing are staples in your life, we are then able to practice how to set boundaries without the presence of guilt. I love brainspotting for this as opposed to talk therapy. Because talk therapy focuses so much on logic and chances are you're already a very logical person who likes to talk herself out of setting boundaries. With brainspotting, we will focus mostly on emotions and we connect you back to your body. When you're able to identify how emotions affect you, and also heal trauma, it is a lot easier to let go of perfectionism.

Ditch the Superwoman Cape: How to Let Go of Perfectionism and Build Stronger Connections

Do you know the sad thing about superwoman? Everyone loves how strong she is and how she rushes in to save the day. We marvel at how she's able to multitask and save an entire city without breaking a sweat. But do you know that nobody even asks how her shoulders are doing. We don't ask her if she gets enough sleep, if she's tired or if she wants a break. Nobody cares about superwoman's feelings. This is why you need to seriously ditch the cape. You are NOT superwoman. You are just a woman and that is OK. That is what your life needs to look like every single day.

Because superwoman is perfect. And humans cannot relate to people who are perfect. We can only relate to people who are actually human. To build stronger connections it is important to be able to ask for help. It is important to rest sometimes. It's important to let people know when things are too much for you. It's important to cry sometimes. It's important to show people that you have real emotions. It's important for you to know when to move and went to call it quits. When the people around you see that you are indeed functioning like a human, they will hopefully start to treat you like you are human. Because nobody can connect with a perfect person. But we all know what it is to be flawed and real.

Stop Perfectionism from Ruining Your Relationships: How Brainspotting Therapy Can Help

When you always show up as a perfect friend, it already creates unrealistic expectations. They expect you to never make mistakes, they expect you to always be on point, and they expect you to probably carry the entire relationship on your shoulders. This leads to frustration and strain for not just you, but for your friends as well. It is important to note that you can be a high achieving woman who is not perfect. Because high achieving simply means that you have big goals and you have achieved quite a few things in your life. This means that you work hard and you know where you are trying to go in life.

High achieving does not mean that you are perfect in the way that you implement your goals. And it does not mean that you will achieve every single goal that you have put your mind to. The great thing about brainspotting is that it helps you unlock patterns that have been driving you but no longer work for you. As a high achieving woman in Houston, you probably are an entrepreneur who does multiple businesses. But perfectionism can actually stop you from meeting your business goals. Because sometimes you do not put out content and you do not put out work because it is not perfect. With Brainspotting you will learn exactly why you became a perfectionist and then we can work together to unravel that so that you can function as simply a human- no super woman needed.

Ready to Be Perfectly Imperfect? How Brainspotting Helps You Embrace Your True Self

Imperfections actually make us human. Imperfections can be a way to connect with other people. Because other people have flaws too. So when they see that you have a similar struggle with them, they can partner with you so that you can hold each other accountable. Imperfections are actually just proof that you are human. And if you want to be treated like the human that you are, and if you want people to see you for who you are, then you have to take the bold step to be vulnerable and let people see all of you.

I'm not saying that you have to share all of your life with everyone on social media. All I'm saying is that if you want to truly connect with close friends and loved ones, you have to take off that façade of perfectionism. Because perfectionism can drive them crazy. Sometimes when you're a perfectionist, you expect so much out of your loved ones and they actually cannot give you all the perfection that you need. But when you are human and you allow them to be human too, things are less tense in the relationship. Brainspotting therapy can actually help you connect with the real you. Perhaps the real you is a high-powered, high achieving woman who also likes to be goofy. Perhaps you are a k-drama loving, highly sensitive woman who loves the stock market. Perhaps you are a woman who sometimes burns dinner, but you're also an amazing physician. You can show up as you actually are and people will accept you for who you are.

Are you ready to break free from perfectionism and start building stronger, more meaningful relationships? As a trauma therapist in Houston, I specialize in working with high-performing, highly sensitive women, including Black women, to overcome the perfectionism trap. Through brainspotting therapy, you can release past trauma, set healthier boundaries, and embrace your true self. Book a free 15-minute consultation call today and take the first step toward deeper connection and personal peace.

About Me

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

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How Brainspotting Can Help You Break Free from Childhood Trauma: A Step-by-Step Guide

Discover how Brainspotting therapy can help you break free from childhood trauma in this step-by-step guide. Learn how this powerful technique targets deep emotional wounds, providing faster and gentler healing. If you're searching for a trauma therapist in Houston, explore how Brainspotting could be the breakthrough you need for lasting recovery.

Childhood trauma seems to be more pervasive than we expect. Even though you might have survived a rough childhood or some rough moments in your childhood, these experiences can actually affect you into adulthood. It could affect your ability to connect with others, it could introduce people pleasing and perfectionism into your life. You might have bad dreams, avoid situations and people who are actually safe, find it difficult to trust people and ask for help. This could end up causing quite a bit of tension in your romantic relationships as well as work relationships.

The good news is neuroplasticity exists. This means that even though trauma might affect the structure of your brain, as well as your patterns of behavior, with science backed tools like brainspotting you could experience gentle and effective healing. And as a trauma therapist in Houston, brainspotting has been my jam for quite a while.

What Is Brainspotting and Why It’s Perfect for Healing Childhood Trauma

Brainspotting is simply utilizing where you look to target the deep layer of your brain where trauma is stored. Once you’re able to do that, then you can access the trauma, process it and then digest it. Once it’s digested, it has no reason to still sit in your brain.

Think of trauma like a ghost that hides in a closet. As long as it’s trapped in the closet, you continue to fear the closet, and maybe even fear your bedroom. You’re afraid to walk in, you can hear it moving around and making awful sounds. Every night when you go to sleep, you can’t sleep deeply, because there’s activity in the closet.

But once you call in a professional to open up the closet and contain it, you can reclaim your closet, sleep with both eyes closed and finally feel at peace in your own home.

That’s what brainspotting does.

But traditional talk therapy is like a superficial ghost containment service that cleans everything but the closet. Although your room looks and smells clean, the scary closet still goes untouched. So most things look safe, but that ghost is still running around the the deeper layer of your bedroom. Brainspotting makes for deeper and faster levels of healing from trauma.

Step 1: Identifying Emotional Triggers from Childhood

One of the first things you will notice during brainspotting is it uncovers old emotional wounds. However, never fear, because your brain will only bring up what it knows you are ready to process. Unlike traditional talk therapy in which your therapist has no choice but to keep poking around to see what will stick. Sometimes, unbeknownst to your therapist, they can inadvertently retraumatize you during talk therapy for trauma.

No bueno!

As a high performing, highly sensitive woman, one of your biggest complaints is that people don’t get you. You might have been to several therapists who either have never heard of high sensitivity (because we usually aren’t taught about it in graduate school) or they have heard about high sensitivity but have no clue what your needs are.

The great thing about brainspotting is, it completely takes all the guess work out. It is targeted and deep work.

As a high performer, you are so used to being self sufficient, and sometimes it’s really just a way for you to protect yourself after experiencing trauma. With brainspotting, you will most likely get answers to what your emotional triggers are, so that you can begin to work through them and finally find peace.

Step 2: The Beauty of Eye Positioning—How Brainspotting Targets Trauma

When your brainspotting trauma therapist guides you towards a specific eye position, that position correlates to a specific part of your brain that is linked to the specific traumatic or troubling memory you are trying to work through. So we find the location of the trauma in the brain so that you can finally get rid of it. No more ghosts in the closet.

Think of it like using a laser pointer to locate emotional knots. This makes brainspotting such a unique tool for trauma therapy. Talk therapy tends to target the outer layers of the brain, while brainspotting goes deeper. Deeper means more effective.

Step 3: Processing and Releasing Trauma Gently and Safely

When you are in a brainspotting session, the first few times, you might be in your head a lot. You might be worried about things like-

“Is the therapist staring at me?” (My answer is “No.”).
“Am I doing this correctly?” (My answer is “Yes”).
“This feels weird.” (My answer is “Of course it feels weird, because it’s therapy”).

Once you are relaxed and locked in, you will feel like you are playing a video of the event. Your body will take over and you will experience a series of emotions. Sometimes you might cry, other times you’ll be in deep thought. What I love about brainspotting is that it is a safe and non-invasive approach to trauma healing. You feel relief without doing the absolute most. You do not have to ever give me a play by play of the trauma events or experiences.

Even when you feel overwhelmed, sad or anxious in session, you will eventually have moments in which you feel calm, at peace, like you finally have closure.

Back to our ghost example.

When you are trying to get rid of ghosts in your closet, opening up the closet door will cause you to scream or experience fear, but once the ghost is contained, those scary emotions will dissipate. Your room will go from a place of horror too a calm oasis where you can rest.

Step 4: Moving Forward—Building a New Relationship with Your Past

Once the traumatic memories and events are no longer taking up so much space in your brain, you will then have the ability to work through other areas of your life. You’ll be able to work through people pleasing behaviors, you’ll notice irritability will decrease, you will no longer dissociate, and you will be able to work on asking for help, making new friends, inviting safe people into your world, amongst others. You will have the freedom to create a healthier relationship with your past experiences.

In other words, you will feel empowered and more in control of your life after you’re done with the process of therapy.

We won’t delete the events form your brain, but remembering your past traumas will no longer cause you emotional overwhelm. You will be in more control over your temper and emotions once therapy is over. Imagine being bolder, more confident, no longer on the verge of tears and just excited to do life.

Brainspotting is such a powerful tool for trauma healing because in a relatively short time, you can safely and gently heal from years of childhood trauma. All you need to do is reach out.

Ready to break free from childhood trauma? As a trauma therapist in Houston, I can help you find lasting healing with Brainspotting. Book a free 15-minute consultation today to start your path to freedom!

About Me

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are: