Family drama no more: How to survive family holiday events without stress or drama

The holidays are upon us. If you happen to be blessed with amazing family dynamics, then you’re probably looking forward to sitting down to a good meal with your loved ones. But if you are like millions of people out there, you cringe at the thought of yet another family gathering. Because your family is known for shade, side eyes, underhanded comments, and a general feeling of thick tension in the air.

Well, never fear, here are some simple tips to help you survive the holidays this year.

The first thing to ask yourself is “Should I actually be attending family events this year?”

Yes, I know people say, “Blood is thicker than water,” but if blood will demean you, drive you nuts or leave you in tears, perhaps you might want to skip the gatherings altogether.

Please note that I’m not a big fan of canceling people or cutting them off, but if your family situation truly is toxic, you might have to sit this one out for your peace of mind. Your holidays can be spent alone or with other loved ones. Sometimes our friends can quickly become family.

Who says every holiday must be spent with family?

Once you have decided to actually go to family events, the following guidelines will save you from a heart attack.

Decide how long you will stay at the event

Because your family gets together for 8 hours on Thanksgiving Day, preps the meal together, sets the table together, then cleans up together, does not mean you have to follow that tradition. If you can only stomach them for 2 hours at a time, you decide when to show up and when to leave.

Yes, they’ll make a big fuss about you either leaving early or arriving late, but your peace of mind will be intact. Go in there, make the rounds and leave with your dignity intact.

That’s what we are aiming for this year.

Stay away from hot button topics and nosey aunties

If you’ve spent a lot of time with your family, you definitely know what topics you cannot discuss. In some families it’s politics. In others, it’s religion. And for others it could be issues around marriage, career plans, where you choose to live, child rearing issues, etc. Know the hot button topics and stay away from them at all costs.

If someone decides to bring those topics up (I’m referring to the nosey, fire starting aunties, then you can politely decide not to engage). Here’s what you can say:

“I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time.”

If they continue to query you, put your big girl pants on and stand your ground. No one can get you to discuss something you’re not ready for. No one.

Stick with the cool family members

Even though your family might be filled with troublesome characters, you probably have 1 or 2 cool family members left. You know, the quiet cousin who sits in the corner because she doesn’t like drama. Or the uncle who is positioned in front of the TV because he doesn’t care for gossip.

Find the cool, level headed family members and make them your buddies during the event. They’ll probably appreciate you for doing that because they don’t care for family drama either.

Stay away from lies

When we find ourselves in a pickle, sometimes we revert to our 7 year old selves and we spew tons of lies to protect ourselves. For example, if Aunt Margaret asks you “Why are you 2 hours late to dinner?” you feel like you’re in trouble and you start to tell an entire tale to save yourself.

You are no longer a child and Aunt Margaret has no control over you. Answer her like the adult that you are. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to lie either. A big part of gaining peace of mind is being able to be yourself, regardless of what your family thinks.

There you have it. Some simple tips to help your holiday festivities feel a little more festive.

If you are sick and tired of being controlled by gossiping aunties and a toxic family, and you are ready to learn how to be an adult again, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me. I’m a licensed therapist in CA and TX, and helping to set people free from the bondage of a toxic family, is one of my favorite things to do.

I hope you enjoy your holiday season!

The Top 8 Truths about counseling or therapy in the Houston area

The Houston area is bustling and full of diversity, vibrancy and lots of hard working people. Sometimes the hustle and bustle could take a toll on your physical and mental health. And when you're going through stress, worry and anxiety it might be time to begin counseling or therapy in Houston.

Some people jump headfirst into the therapy process, while others prefer to tiptoe. If you are someone who prefers to tiptoe, here's a little glimpse behind the curtain of therapy in Houston.

Here are some of the top five truths about counseling or therapy in Houston.

1) Every therapist in Houston is not the right therapist for you

Although every single therapist in Houston has at least a master’s degree, not every therapist’s style will match your needs. Therapist’s vary in their philosophy of how they serve their clients.

The first step in finding a therapist in Houston or a counselor in Houston is being clear about what it is that you're trying to get out of therapy. Are you looking to reduce anxiety? Are you perhaps struggling with depression and would like a therapist to help you with that? Or are you the super independent family member whom everybody goes to for help, and now you're sick of it?

If you decide to work with a therapist in Houston, it is important that you get to know what their style is as well as what their niche is. The best way to get to know them is to read their website to see if what they talk about actually hits your heart.

The next step after reading their website is to call the therapist to see if they offer free consultation calls. During this time you get to ask all of the questions about therapy.

Remember, not every counselor in Houston is the same. Not every therapist in Houston is right for you. It is OK for you to keep searching until you find the right counselor in Houston for you.

2) therapists in houston are not your friend

Although I'm a huge advocate of therapy- especially in a large, busy area like Houston, it is important to know that we therapists are not your friends. Unlike your friends who might struggle to tell you the truth, and who are not trained to see the different dynamics in your life, we are masters of human behavior and family dynamics.

We try to help you break through different blocks that have been holding you back, and we also help you gain awareness of different dynamics in your life that might blocking your progress. Even though we want to see you succeed, we will not be spending time on empty chitchat, we will not be hanging out with you after session, and we certainly will not follow you on social media.

We draw the line between our therapeutic relationship and your personal life.

3) You might have to try multiple therapists in Houston before you find the therapist who is the best fit for you

Sometimes the first therapist that you work with, will not be the therapist that you work with for the rest of your life. And this is perfectly OK.

If you are new to therapy, you might not know what to expect (read this blog post on what to expect from therapy in Houston), and so you might just be a passive participant in the process. It is perfectly OK if you decide to stop therapy whenever you want. I highly suggest that you speak to your therapist about what is no longer working for you, so that you give them a chance to make some changes.

If the first few therapists you work with do not feel like a good match for you, the problem is not you, the problem is most likely the therapeutic relationship. The single most important factor in the success of therapy, is the relationship between the client and the therapist. Please do not feel like you have to stay with a therapist that you don't feel a connection with. There are too many counselors in Houston for you to have to settle on the wrong one. It is your right to move on whenever you feel you are ready.

4) You might have different therapists for different seasons in your life.

Sometimes you need therapy to support you in a specific season in your life, such as the divorce of your parents when you were a teenager. And after you've worked through that issue, it is possible that you graduate therapy and you don't go back to therapy for years.

But maybe you graduate college and you find that the transition as an independent woman who is out in the real world feels overwhelming to you. So you decide to seek therapy for that specific issue.

Later in life, you might get married, have a few kids, and you need support to get through the long days as a mother. And so you decide to get an anxiety therapist in Houston or a Black therapist in Houston to help you through that season of your life.

It is perfectly OK to find a new therapist when you're in a different season in your life, or if you're going through a different transition. It is normal to have had multiple therapists that have helped you in different stages of your life. Bravo to you if you have sort out support before.

5) Therapy in houston is often not a quick fix

The biggest misconception about therapy is that you will feel better in the first two sessions. Sometimes, you might even feel worse before things get better. If you think about it, most people do not seek the support of a therapist until the issue they're struggling with has been brewing for months, or maybe even years.

It is really difficult to fix an issue that has been brewing for years- in just a few days or weeks.

The reason why you might feel worse before you feel better is that the work of therapy looks like unearthing difficult emotions, and possibly dissecting long-standing dynamics that are no longer working for you.

After all of those issues have been unearthed, then you can find your way back to healing and figuring out who you now want to be.

So hang in there. Counseling or therapy might not feel easy, but it is well worth it.

6) Your first therapy session might feel awkward

When people come to therapy for the first time, they often feel awkward. Some people; find it a bit easier if they participate in online therapy, rather than in person. Think about this- your therapist is asking you to be vulnerable and open with a complete stranger. Sometimes it’s much easier to be vulnerable when you’re sitting in the comfort of your own home.

This is the definition of awkward.

But a complete stranger who is well educated in human behavior and dynamics, is probably the best person to work with.

Because we do not follow you home and we do not work with you outside of your therapy or counseling session, we can help create a situation of true growth and healing. You pour out your heart to us, you leave it in your counseling session, and you can continue to live your life.

As you continue to attend sessions, the awkwardness will die down, and you get to the point where you'll start to look forward to the level of vulnerability that leads to growth.

7) Your therapist will not be prescribing medications

One reason why people often run away from therapy in Houston or counseling in Houston is because they assume that their therapist will be prescribing medications or that they will have to take psychiatric medication to be in therapy. Well I have news for you- as a licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston, I did not attend medical school, therefore I cannot prescribe medication even if I wanted to.

When you work with a therapist like me, I probably will not talk much about medication. If you have concerns about your medication, or if you wish to begin taking medications, then I recommend that you speak to your primary care physician or a psychiatrist.

Medications and pills are completely out of the scope of practice of therapists and counselors in Houston.

8) Anyone can benefit from therapy (even strong, super responsible Black women)

Another big misconception about therapy in Houston is that it is only for ‘weak people’ or ‘crazy people.’ Well, I am yet to meet someone who is too strong for therapy. Every human is probably carrying a burden on their shoulders, and even the strongest, most independent Black woman can benefit from additional support of a therapist. If you’re specifically seeking a Black therapist in Houston, that’s okay too. Some of the reasons people go to therapy are trauma, anxiety, depression, a difficult transition such as a move, getting deployed in the military, working a difficult job, etc.

I hope this helps clarify some misconceptions about therapy in Houston. If you are searching for a Black therapist in Houston who can help you get in touch with your vulnerable side, and break through that superwoman shell, or help you fix that marriage that has gone stale, click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call. You deserve the life that you have always dreamed of.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.