People pleasing vs personal power: How highly sensitive women can set loving boundaries

Understanding People-Pleasing: The Hidden Cost for Highly Sensitive Women

Most highly sensitive women that I know are well loved by the people around them. Why? Because of their warmth and empathy. Because highly sensitive women are such deep thinkers and feelers, they are really great at shouldering the problems of others, lending a hand and solving problems.

When a highly sensitive woman comes in contact with a person in need, she can almost feel the person’s pain. But what they are actually feeling is deep empathy. Because of the empathy, they sometimes will jump in to rescue the person from pain or perceived danger. The more people notice that you are great at helping them with their problems, solving struggles and listening, the more they come to you. Now the problem with that is that it could quickly lead to emotional exhaustion.

Many HSPs spend so much time taking care of the needs of others, that they do not have time for themselves. Imagine spending all day absorbing the emotions of others and brainstorming how to help. There is zero time to recharge and reflect- which is essential to the wellbeing of HSPs. Because they do not want to be perceived as mean or selfish, they often keep silent while others walk all over them. This could lead to resentment, sadness and even a strain in your personal relationships.

The Power of "No": Why Setting Boundaries is Essential for Your Well-Being

To get rid of resentment, it is important that you learn how to set clear boundaries and say “No.” You do not have to help everyone every time just because you can. Whenever you jump in to solve a problem that could have been solved by the other person, you actually rob them of the opportunity to problem solve and strategize.

When a person is spending majority of their energy on others, without paying enough attention to themselves, it takes a huge toll. Take a step back. Ask yourself where boundaries need to be set. Who are the people in your life that are using up too much of your bandwidth? In what areas do you need to stand up for yourself or reset those boundaries?

At first when you say “No,” people around you might be shocked, but if you hang in there, they will eventually understand that this is your new way of living. The thing about boundaries is that it is your job to enforce them, or no one will take you seriously.

Balancing Empathy and Assertiveness: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women

When setting boundaries, it is important to remember that your needs matter too. Setting boundaries does not mean that you have to put your empathetic side away. It means that you can juggle both. Assertiveness means that your needs matter just as much as the needs of others.

When you are called upon to solve a problem, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1) Do I have the time to solve the problem right now?

2) Do I have the bandwidth to solve the problem right now?

3) Do I want to solve the problem right now?

4) Is this person capable of solving this problem on their own?

Take time to reflect on the above and make a sound decision after this. Remember that saying “No” when you are asked for help, does not make you a mean person. It actually helps people respect you better. It sends the message that even though you are capable of solving their problem, your time and energy are also important. They cannot just barge in whenever they want, with the expectation that you will drop everything and serve them. This is not being mean. It is respecting yourself and others.

Real Stories, Real Change: How Women Like You Have Overcome People-Pleasing

Still wondering how on earth you can become a high performing highly sensitive woman who can keep your empathy and still jump in to help people? Let me walk you through an anecdotal story (Don’t worry, this is not an example from a real client. I protect their privacy at all costs!)

Jane is a highly sensitive woman who is great at everything she does. She always got amazing grades in school, followed all the rules, and she has steadily worked hard to accomplish most of her goals. She is the eldest daughter of a large family, and because of this, she has always been the second mom to her siblings. While this has helped her become super responsible, she is tired. Tired of shouldering the family’s burdens. Tired of being the one called upon to help with finances. Tired of being the one who takes care of everyone’s needs. Tired of being the one who organizes everything. Whenever something important comes up, everyone seems to take a back seat and expects her to step it up.

Jane realized one day that even though she loves her family of origin and wants to fulfill her duty as the eldest, she was exhausted, resentful and beginning to ignore calls and texts from family members. She felt trapped. Something needed to change.

Jane started delegating when it was time to get stuff done within the family. She also started telling them when she would be unavailable to answer phone calls. She set up a discretionary fund each month in case of family emergencies. Once that money was gone, she didn’t give any more. She started focusing on what she had the bandwidth to do. She stuck with her boundaries. At first, her family was exasperated. They tried to guilt her into taking all the responsibilities that she was trying to leave behind. But she stood her ground. She let them know that she is stressed out, on the verge of depression, she cries sometimes and the responsibility is too much for her to bear.

Over time, her family grudgingly started respecting her boundaries. They stopped being offended when she ignored calls sometimes. They started pitching in when Jane asked for help. They eventually became a cohesive family unit. Jane’s resentment left, she was much happier and she had more time to spend on the things she actually loved.

As you can see, boundary setting is not easy, You will experience push back form your family and loved ones, but the only way to release yourself from the burden is to actually consistently set boundaries.

Seeking Support: How a Trauma Therapist in Houston Can Help You Thrive

I see clients like Jane all the time. Clients who are from beautiful collectivist cultures in which the collective wants to act like disjointed individuals. They love their families, but they don’t want them to think they are being mean when they say “No.” My job is not to change your culture or help you run away from your family and loved ones. My job is to help you decide what you have the bandwidth for, how you want to actually maneuver the situation and empower you to say what’s on your mind.

At first it will be difficult, but the more you practice boundary setting, the more you get used to it. It eventually will become your default and the people around you will adjust to suit your new pace. A skilled Black therapist in Houston can help you create a culturally appropriate boundary setting plan.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Today!

Break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and start setting loving boundaries. Reach out to me- a Black therapist - to begin your journey toward personal empowerment and healthier relationships! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Why brainspotting works wonders for high performing women

Why High-Performing Black Women in Houston are Turning to Brainspotting Therapy

More and more women are flocking to therapy. Why? Because they are realizing that they don’t want to carry the emotional load all by themselves. And when you specifically talk about Black women who have historically carried entire households on their back, they are tired of the narrative of the strong Black woman.

Black women want to be soft. We want to laugh, cry, get angry, feel frustrated, be loved, seen and treated like humans too. We have hopes and dreams, that have historically been overlooked. We’ve had to put walls up to protect ourselves and our loved ones. And now, for you, the Black woman who is a leader and high performer, you also want your emotional needs to be met.

Because high performers often thrive when there is efficiency and speed, brainspotting is a great therapy of choice. Brainspotting therapy is effective, gentle and gets the job done. It connects you to yourself, helps you heal deep parts of your brain and doesn’t waste your time.

How Brainspotting Delivers Fast, Gentle Relief for High-Achievers

For Houston’s top performing women who don’t have any time to waste, brainspotting therapy is a great way to get rid of anxiety and trauma without spending an unusual amount of time in therapy. Brainspotting therapy essentially is a fast way to get access to the deep layers of your brain where trauma and big emotions are stored.

In a nutshell, brainspotting is a way to get the same results of talk therapy in a much shorter amount of time. During a brainspotting session, you are not solely relying on the educated guesses of your therapist. rather, your brainspotting trained therapist is utilizing an amazing therapy modality to help you access areas of your brain where huge emotions and memories are stored, so you can process, digest and be done with those strong triggers.

The results? It’s basically, fast, gentle relief for high achievers. No more nightmares, night sweats, crying, avoiding activities you used to love and being controlled by the past.

Beyond Talk Therapy: Why Houston’s Trauma Therapists Recommend Brainspotting

So I love talk therapy just as much as the next therapist, however I have to be honest, talk therapy is really no match for brainspotting. Brainspotting accesses much deeper layers of the brain than talk therapy ever could. The results you notice from brainspotting are much quicker than those of talk therapy, and it just seems that brainspotting is so much more efficient than talk therapy when we are targeting trauma.

My clients who have experienced trauma see results in much fewer sessions than when they do talk therapy. In fact, brainspotting is my preferred style of therapy when it comes to trauma. Brainspotting is simply fast acting. Usually in 1-3 sessions, you already notice the difference. I can’t promise these same results for talk therapy.

From Perfectionism to Peace: Brainspotting for the Highly Sensitive, High-Performing Woman

One of my favorite things about brainspotting is that it is great for getting you unstuck. If you have had a specific issue that you just can’t kick, then let’s utilize brainspotting. Many of my clients have tried traditional talk therapy unsuccessfully, and so they use brainspotting to finally resolve the issue.

Issues like perfectionism can be addressed using brainspotting. I can’t promise you that you will never have thoughts around perfectionism, however, brainspotting can help bring you a sense of peace and closure.

Brainspotting is even helpful when you are about to make a big decision or if you have a particular area of stuck-ness like writer’s block or difficulty making executive decisions at work. I especially love brainspotting for highly sensitive women because of how gentle it is on the body. Of course some sessions will feel difficult, however, it gets the job done.

Supporting High-Achieving Black Women’s Mental Health: The Brainspotting Advantage

As a Black therapist in Houston, I usually recommend brainspotting for people who have tried talk therapy before with very little results. I also love to recommend brainspotting therapy of course, for people who feel like they are being controlled by trauma and who just want to go about their lives without constant fear or anxiety. The third group of women I like to recommend brainspotting to are women who feel all talked out. They don’t want to go on and on about their problems, but they want a solution. They are ready to dig deep, feel more connected to their minds and ready to continue performing at a high level.

Take the First Step to Lasting Transformation

Looking for a compassionate Black trauma therapist in Houston? Discover how brainspotting can help you achieve deep healing while staying in touch with your ambition. Click here for a free consultation for brainspotting therapy in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

New to therapy? Questions to ask a Black Therapist before you begin therapy

Some people have described 2020 as a dumpster fire. I’m not saying it was a bad year for everyone, but there certainly were some difficulties along the way. For some people, the COVID-19 pandemic brought them closer to their family and loved ones, and for others, it brought up all the problems and struggles they thought they’d buried a long time ago.

And so 2021 is a good year to heal some of the difficult emotions that 2020 brought up. It might be the year in which you go to therapy to learn to take off that strong Black woman armor you’ve been burdened with. It could be the year in which you learn to say goodbye to anxiety or finally learn how to sleep well.

It might be the year you decide to roll your sleeves up and finally do the emotional work so that 2021 can be your best year yet. In my last blog post, I wrote all about how to find a Black therapist near you. If you haven’t read it, please do so.

I imagine you’re at the stage in which you have your shortlist of therapists. You’ve scheduled a few consultation calls, but you have no clue what to ask the therapist, how to know if they are the best therapist for you, or how to get the most out of therapy.

Well, I got you. Take some notes. Let’s make the process of finding the best Black therapist for you easy peasy. Here are some quick questions you can ask a Black therapist when you’re on a consultation call (And FYI, I do not feel offended when potential clients ask me my gender, race, ethnicity or faith background when we are on consultation calls).

What is your therapy style?

Some therapists (like me) are very laid back. I laugh A LOT during therapy sessions, but don’t get it wrong, I am laser focused on helping you reach those goals. I am also very goal oriented. I suggest that all my clients get a therapy notebook in which they journal thoughts that happen outside of the therapy session so that we can talk about it in session.

I also give my clients homework- it can range from a 5-minute exercise to week long practices. As a Black female therapist who works with successful, high achieving, Black women, humor is very much a part of what I do. Although there might be tears during the session, I also share quite a few laughs with my clients. My clients can show up as they are- in their bonnets, pajamas, bath robes, head wraps- I’ve seen it all and I judge NONE of it.

There are other Black therapists who are more formal with their style. Neither style is better than the other. Some therapists talk quite a bit in session, others let their clients do most of the talking. Still, others do more somatic work in which the body and mind are incorporated. Some do animal assisted therapy, and others do outdoor therapy. 

The most important thing is what style you think works best for you.

Do you practice long-term therapy or short-term therapy?

Because human behavior can be so complex, it’s difficult to know how many sessions you will need to have. I happen to be a short-term therapist. I tell my clients that I work intensely with them (I see them weekly) until they have accomplished all their goals. 

During the first session, we set very clear, specific goals, and I check in periodically to see how close we are to meeting those goals. Once we have reached those goals, it’s time to graduate. That being said, the average client sees me for about 6 months. Although I’ve had clients who have been with me for years. I also have clients who have returned after graduation. Like I said, everyone’s path is different.

Do you have experience working with Black, Christian women [or insert some of your identifiers here]?

I am of the opinion that therapy is supposed to work for you. You shouldn't go to see a therapist just because you think that therapist is the only option for you. You should feel a deep, positive connection with your therapist in which there is safety and openness.

If you are currently in therapy and you feel like the process is not working for you, I suggest having a heart to heart with your therapist to see if something can be tweaked or if you can be referred out to someone who is a great fit for you. Your therapist should be a great fit for you.

I also believe that issues of culture are HUGE! As a Black, Christian, immigrant therapist, there are so many nuances to my clients’ backgrounds. It is also important that your therapist can see you and respect all the parts of you. So please do not be afraid to address this when you consult with a therapist on the phone. Many Black therapists or therapists of color understand the importance of including a clients’ experiences and culture in the sessions.

How often will you see me?

Therapy should happen regularly in order to see results. Typically, each therapy session builds upon previous sessions. If you only go to therapy once a year or once a month, it might be hard to gain the traction that you need. During the consultation call, address this with the therapist. Get clear on what his or her schedule looks likes to ensure that there will be space for your needs.

This might also be a good time to ask how long sessions are. Some therapists have quick 30-minute sessions. Others see clients for 45 minutes, 50 minutes, 60 minutes 75 minutes or even have intensives that last more than 2 hours. Please get clear on this so that you can decide if this suits your schedule and your needs.

How will I know when I’m ready to graduate therapy?

It’s usually nice to have benchmarks when you’re in therapy. It helps you identify your progress, what areas you still need to work on, and when you think you’ll be ready to graduate from the therapy process.

Ask the therapist if there are any systems in place to help with this. Please note that graduation from therapy doesn’t mean that you can never return to therapy. It also doesn’t imply that your life will be perfect. It simply means that this therapy cycle has helped you achieve specific goals.

Other Questions to ask

• How much does a session cost?

• Can you provide a super bill for my insurance? And what is the process like?

• Will I receive a mental health diagnosis? (Quick note here. If you choose to use your insurance, chances are you therapist would have to provide a mental health diagnosis. I always advocate for clients to know what they are being diagnosed with).

• Are you in network with my insurance company?

• What happens if I cannot make it to a scheduled appointment? (Some therapists have no show policies and others will terminate you after a certain number of missed sessions. It’s important to be clear about that).

• What type of license do you have? (Depending on your state, there are licensed marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, licensed mental health counselors, licensed professional clinical counselors, etc.). To be extra careful, you could also decide to look up the therapist on the licensing board’s website to ensure that their license is in good standing.

• Do you engage in Christian [insert religious or spiritual background here] counseling?

• Do you work with [insert your issues here- it could be anxiety, depression, infidelity, infertility, athletic performance, etc].

Those are some questions you could ask your therapist before beginning therapy. If you are a Black woman in California, seeking a Black, Christian therapist who can help you manage anxiety, get rid of insomnia or create an amazing relationship, click here to schedule a free consultation with me.

Remember, the best therapist for you is one you feel safe with.

Want to read more?

How to find a Black therapist: A Simple guide.