How to become an active listener in your marriage in 5 easy steps

One of the most prevalent concerns I see in Houston relationship therapy is couples that don't listen to one another. Things get heated at the moment, and you realize you have no idea how to listen to your partner correctly.

Better communication in marriage contributes to increased closeness and intimacy. When most people hear their spouse speak, they think about their possible responses rather than listening to what their spouse is saying. Here's a straightforward approach to improve communication in your marriage if you're having trouble improving your active listening skills.

Before we dive in, what exactly is active listening? 

Most couples come to Christian marriage counseling in Houston saying they want a stronger connection. Active listening is listening intently to grasp better what your partner is saying. It helps create empathy and connection in a relationship.

On the other hand, passive listening is listening just because or listening while waiting for your spouse to stop talking so that you can finish up whatever you are saying. 

Active listening helps improve intimacy and connection. Passive listening is self-serving and doesn't do anything to improve your relationship. And if you'd like to improve your communication in marriage, you want to become pretty good at active listening.

So, here are the steps to become a better active listener in your marriage or relationship.

1) Allow your spouse to speak without interruptions.

Listen without saying anything while your spouse is talking about something essential. All your energy should ensure you hear every last word. Focus on his body language gives you a little clue about how he feels. It's critical to fight the impulse to correct or defend yourself.

It seems easy, but it's pretty tricky, so I practice with my Couples counseling in Houston. 

This seems easy, but it’s actually quite difficult- which is why I practice with my couples who are in marriage counseling.

2.)Repeat what you heard him say.

So often, when we are trying to listen to others, we pass what they are saying through our mental filter. Sometimes what we hear them say is not what they're saying. 

It is when miscommunication and arguments happen in relationships. Instead of clarifying, we argue back and forth. To avoid arguments, after every sentence or 2, pause your spouse and repeat back what you heard him say. 

If he agrees with you correctly, he can move on to the following sentence. If you misheard him, he gets to clarify. Please don't blame him for the wording. Focus on trying to understand him.

It is another crucial step when clients work with me during marriage counseling in Houston.

3) Suspend judgment and the need to defend yourself. Marriage is not war.

Marriage is not war. I say this all the time during marriage therapy in Houston. A healthy marriage comprises two partners who are willing to communicate and understand each other. To achieve that, you should benefit your spouse from the doubt. Expect and assume that your spouse only wants what is best for you and your marriage. Because marriage is not war, you do not have to defend yourself. So when your spouse is speaking, do not jump in to defend yourself. Take some deep breaths and try to get to the bottom of what he is trying to say. Make it about him- not you.

The best marriage counselors in Houston will let you know that preconceived assumptions can cause trouble in relationships.

4) Put your empathy hat on.

One thing Houston relationship therapist is: "Trying to understand why your spouse is feeling this way." Put your feelings aside and try to empathize with him. When you can empathize, lower your guard to come to a resolution with him. It involves teamwork. Remember that your spouse is your partner, and your joint enemy is disagreement. So work together to overcome it.

5) Respond appropriately by validating your spouse. It's a great way to have a peaceful marriage.

After you have spent time actively listening to your spouse, and It is done with his side of the story, it's time to validate him. Most Houston couples in therapy do not validate enough. They jump straight from talking about the issue to trying to fix it. But they miss a huge step. Validation is the key to repairing when there's a misunderstanding. Validation doesn't necessarily mean you agree with what your spouse is saying. Validation helps your spouse feel seen and increases connection.

After completing the above steps, you can talk about your side of the story. Hopefully, your partner will also follow the above steps.

What will active listening do for your marriage?

If you are ready to improve the communication in your marriage to form a much deeper connection with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me (I'm a Black marriage therapist in Houston seeing clients in Texas and throughout the Murrieta area). Remember, marriage isn't war.

About The Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 Romantic date ideas to rekindle the spark in your marriage

Dates are important in a marriage. They help refresh your memory about why you fell in love with each other. Dates also cut through the dull, mundane couples therapy in Houston. It helps you escape everyday chores and responsibilities. You can be wrapped up in your world for a few hours.

You must continue to pursue one another. If not, things get stale.

And if the idea of planning a date scares you, breathe. Dates should tailor to the interests of you and your spouse. And these dates don't have to be surprised either; simply plan them together to avoid disappointment.

Here are five romantic date ideas that you and your spouse can try.

1) For food lovers: Take a culinary tour

This one is best for couples who are food. A great way to get to know other cultures is through their food. Find a mom-and-pop or traditional restaurant that serves some sort of exotic or unfamiliar cuisine. 

If you're feeling particularly explorative, you can hit 2 or 3 different restaurants, hole-in-the-wall shops, or food trucks in 1 day- hence the title "culinary tour.".

A culinary tour can cover different regions of a single country or numerous countries' cuisine in a single day. Only an empty stomach and an open mind are required.

2) For travel lovers and Wanderers: Explore a city or country that you've both been itching to go to

You and your spouse can receive your passports and travel now that the crossings are reopened. Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

If the thought of jet setting isn't an excellent idea for you, Houston relationship therapy starts by exploring a part of your city that you've never gotten a chance to explore. Or explore a nearby city or state. You learn so much more about each other when you're both wonderstruck.

 Road trips, day trips, or staycations can help scratch the traveling itch. It can also have you feeling like you're a college kid again.

3) For art lovers: Do an art tour.

There are numerous things to do here. You can take a painting class together. You can explore pottery making and glassblowing; you can visit a museum. Spend time learning about your favourite artists.

This can spark some rich conversation.

4) For creatives: Get the juices flowing.

If you are creative, do something that feels out of the box. You can join a book club and engage in knowledge sharing. You can also go to an escape room and enjoy teamwork. 

It can even involve watching a documentary that sparks some intellectual conversation.

Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

5) For nature lovers: Go outside.

Go on a hike, take a botany class together. To learn how to make flower arrangements, go to the botanical gardens, the aquarium, or an animal shelter together. 

 Dates do not have to be cliche or boring. Try new things all the time and see the world together.

Couples counseling Houston helps married couples improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution if they want to learn how to communicate effectively with their husband or wife. Click to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse after a big fight

Although most people pretend that their marriage is a bed of roses, we all know that arguments are a part of marriage. What are you supposed to do when your spouse drives you completely nuts? Here are some simple steps that you can take after you and your spouse have had a huge fight or a horrible disagreement.

Take a time out to cool off

After a huge blowout or disagreement in your marriage, it is important for both of you to go to your respective corners. Go cool off, listen to some music, take a walk, take a shower, pray- do someone else to distract yourself from the volcano of emotions that are surging inside you.

During this time out, your goal is to cool off. So, no thinking about how awful your husband is (you know you have those thoughts, but I won’t judge you). No cursing him out under your breath (you know you do that also). Just cool off by focusing on something else.

Schedule a time to talk with your spouse

After you feel like you've been able to sort through your feelings, and calm down, reach out to your spouse and make an appointment. Appointments don’t sound sexy, but this will ensure that both of you can talk at a time in which neither of you is busy or distracted.

Before you have this conversation, know that the goal of the conversation is NOT to prove that you’re right. It’s to get over the hump and prevent this issue from rearing its ugly head in the future.

Got it?

Start with talking about your feelings (or your spouse’s feelings)

Before we dive in, note that I utilize the Gottman Method for couples therapy. It’s research backed and it works!)

Let’s jump in.

In this conversation, there has to be a speaker and a listener. The listener’s job is to listen, understand and empathize with the speaker. It’s an active process. You can’t be a good listener while actively cursing your spouse out in your head or trying to come up with reasons why he’s wrong.

Use actual feeling words like angry, sad, upset, lonely, etc. This helps your spouse better understand what is going on in your mind. Here’s a link to the feelings wheel to help you pinpoint your emotions.

When your spouse talks about his feelings, simply listen. Don’t try to talk about yours until he’s done with his role as speaker. Also, do not try to convince him that his feelings are false.

Talk about your perspective on the issue

Summarize what you think happened during the argument. Stick to “I” statements. Try not to blame him or point the finger.

Here’s an example of a good “I” statement:

“Earlier today, when we came into the house, I felt ignored when I saw you on the phone.”

Here’s a bad example of an “I” statement:

“Earlier today when we came into the house, you were ignoring me as usual by staring at your stupid phone. You’re addicted to the phone and you have a problem.”

Talk about what triggered you during the incident or leading up to the incident

Arguments often happen because of unmet needs or triggers. So this is your opportunity to invite your spouse into your internal world. Avoid assuming that “He should know” what bugs you.

Perhaps you were already tired. Maybe you felt ignored. Maybe you had to remind him for the 7th time.

Let him know your triggers, but say it nicely.

Acknowledge your role in the communication breakdown

Talk about at least 1 thing you did to increase the miscommunication. Maybe you snapped. Maybe you were impatient. Maybe you jumped to conclusions.

Here’s the time for self reflection.

What can your spouse do to prevent this from happening in the future?

Watch your tone here. Be respectful but honest. Let him know what he can do differently next time so that he does not push your buttons.

The best marriages come from a place of humility, hardwork and a willingness to listen.

If you’re ready to move your marriage from a place or constant disagreements, to a place of great communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I am a Black marriage therapist in Houston who provides couples counseling throughout Texas and California. I also provide Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

7 validation statements that could seriously save your marriage

Validation is a skill that very few people truly understand. I see it every time during couples counseling in Houston. However, it is actually such an important skill when it comes to connecting with your spouse in marriage. In my couples therapy sessions in Houston, I often find that couples want to jump from problem, straight to solution. However, the middle ground that is missing is the skill of validation.

So what exactly is validation? According to dictionary.com, validation is “Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

Notice that it doesn’t state that you have to completely understand the other person’s point of view. It also does not state that you have to completely agree with their point of view. It is simply just recognizing that their feelings are worthwhile and valid.

What role does validation play in a marriage?

It helps your spouse feel seen and heard. And when your spouse feels seen and heard, they are more likely to feel connected to you.

So how do you validate in marriage?

Simply work to acknowledge that what your spouse is feeling is real. Don’t just think it, say it out loud to them.

Here are 7 simple statements you can say to your spouse when they are having a big emotion or both of you are involved in a disagreement:

1) I can see that you’re experiencing a big emotion, tell me more about what’s going on for you.

2) I can totally understand how that could feel difficult for you.

3) I can see why you feel that way.

4) That sounds very difficult.

5) How can I support you?

6) Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?

7) I see you’re [insert emotion here], how can I support you?

As you can see, these statements are not very long or complicated. When next your spouse is showing a big emotion like anger, sadness, hurt, pain or disappointment, take a moment to help them understand that you see and hear them.

If you are ready to learn how to connect intimately with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me. I provide marriage counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse emotionally to keep your marriage fresh

When you have been married for a while, it sometimes can feel like your marriage is stale. You get so busy with chores, kids, career, and taking care of the home, that it’s easy to lose your connection. But don’t lose hope. It is possible to reconnect with your spouse, even if your marriage is feeling dead. 

Here are some simple tips to build a strong emotional connection in your marriage. And the great thing is, it doesn’t even have to take all of your time.

When I work with couples during marriage counseling in Houston, I tell them that it is important to have specific rituals that connect you and your spouse. When you don’t have these, married life becomes mundane. Think back to when you were growing up. What important rituals did you and your family share? Or what rituals do you wish you and your family shared? Now is the time to create a family that feels cohesive.

Here are some important rituals to begin in your marriage:

1)    Marriage rituals about leave taking

When you are in a busy marriage, it can be very simple to just run out the door in the morning without actually saying goodbye. You won’t believe how many couples who are in marriage counseling in Houston who leave the house without talking to their spouse.

It’s important to give your spouse a proper good bye every single time you leave the house. And it only takes 30 seconds.

Think about what will feel really good to you as well as your spouse. It can be a hug, a kiss, holding their hand and letting them know that you’ll be back. It could be a fist bump. It does not even have to be anything formal.

If you want to be a little bit spicy, it can be a butt tap, a wink, or a head nod. Don’t be afraid to shake up your marriage. Speak to your spouse about what they would like to see happen when either of you is leaving the home. Something so little, helps to sustain the emotional connection between the two of you.

2)    Marriage rituals about coming back home

After a busy day, it feels so amazing to walk into the home and see a wonderful smile on your spouse’s face. Sometimes we get so incredibly busy, that we forget to actually greet our spouse when they come home after a long day.

No matter what is going on in your day, when your spouse gets home, try and take the effort to actually take a pause, smile, and maybe even give your spouse a hug and a kiss. This might seem very foreign to start with, but as you get used to doing this, they begin to feel appreciated. And when they feel appreciated, chances are they’ll begin to reciprocate this ritual when you get home.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get a hero’s welcome every time you walk through the door? This is another important skill I teach during couples therapy in Houston.

3)    Marriage rituals about meals

Everyone has to eat right? It appears that family dinners are getting fewer and far between. I’m pretty old fashioned, and so I really appreciate being able to sit together as a family and just talk. And yes, I do sometimes suggest family meals during relationship therapy sessions in Houston. Try it sometime.

You can even set the table, make it pretty, put the phones away and just have a conversation that involves eye contact and real connection. Of course, setting the table is not compulsory, but it’s a nice touch.

You can even have rituals around eating out. How often do you want to eat out as a family? Where would you like to go? What type of scene would you like to set? This can be used as an opportunity to catch up on the day and forget about all the worries of the world. During this moment, only you and your family matter.

4)    Marriage rituals around dates

Even if you and your spouse have been married for a long time, it is still important to date and pursue each other. Every woman likes to be pursued, and every man loves to pamper his woman. This helps to keep things fresh and exciting. Nobody wants a stale marriage. Have a conversation with your spouse around having regular dates. By the way, dates do not have to be expensive or lavish.

But it is important to be able to take some time away from the kids if possible and just connect. If you cannot get childcare, then plan a simple date when the kids are in bed. This could involve a simple meal, an at home picnic, movie night- it really doesn’t matter what you pick. The most important thing is being able to share some uninterrupted time together.

5)    Marriage rituals about holidays

The holidays are a great time to build family memories and to strengthen togetherness. Have another conversation with your spouse around how you would like to celebrate holidays that are important to you.

Will there be specific foods cooked? Who will cook the food? Will you cook it together? Would you be ordering it? What types of activities will be present during the holidays? Whom will you invite? Plan an entire event so that both of you remain on the same page. The goal is for holidays to bring up happy, connected memories for the both of you.

6)    Marriage rituals about sex

We all know that sex is super important in a marriage. It helps create a deeper connection between partners. The problem is many couples do not feel comfortable actually talking about sex. Talk about how often you want to have sex, when and where you would like to have sex (the bedroom isn’t the only place for sex, wink, wink), and what you enjoy. Remember, you are partners, and you both deserve pleasure.

How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage? Please share so we can all learn.

If you are ready to move your marriage from a place of constant disagreement, to a place of agreement, deeper communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black marriage counselor in Houston who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout Texas. I am also a licensed marriage and family therapist in California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Here's why Christians run away from marriage counseling/couples therapy

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I cannot tell you how many terrified clients come to see me in the dead of night. Okay maybe not in the dead of night, but I cannot tell you how many couples struggle with their marriage for 6 or 7 years before they finally decide to pick up the phone and call me.

I’ve often wondered why Christians run away from marriage counseling or couples therapy outside the church, and I think I’ve figured it out.

Here are 6 reasons why you might also be running from counseling or therapy as a Christian:

They think that marriage counseling or therapy in general is not biblical

The number one struggle or fear that Christians often have is going to a marriage counselor whom they believe will speak against their Christian beliefs. People often assume that because a therapist has studied psychology or human behavior, that they somehow will speak against the Bible.

In many churches, we are taught to pray, seek God and just keep your struggles to yourself. But if you search the Bible, you will notice that the early Christians actually shared each other’s burdens and lived life as a united community.

If you are in a place in your marriage where things feel super hard, I encourage you to do some research. Please know that there are indeed many Christian therapists who can integrate biblical principles into their counseling.

Here are some questions to ask a prospective marriage counselor to ensure that her beliefs are in line with your own Christian beliefs.

They are afraid to share their marriage struggles outside the church

Many Christians believe in a life of martyrdom.

No matter how hard they struggle, they hold it all to their chest and tell no one about it. Some people also believe that they are having struggles in their marriage because of some sin they must have committed in the past.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it holds your marriage ransom. When you go through couples therapy, you will quickly learn that your marriage can be fixed if you and your spouse have a desire to do so. And if you want to keep your sins close to your chest, then why did Christ die for you?

They think they can pray their marital problems away

This is one I see over and over again. Many Christians believe that if they pray hard enough, their marriage will be healed. But what they fail to realize is that faith without works is dead- and I got that straight from the Bible. Even the Bible tells us to seek wise counsel.

If you pray over and over again, but you and your husband do not have the adequate tools to strengthen your friendship, improve your communication and learn adequate conflict resolution skills, your marriage will feel like an uncofmrtorbale battle ground forever, and you will be robbing your family of a happy future.

They believe that people who go to couples therapy are weak.

No one wants to look weak. We all want to believe that we are made of grit and resiliency. But you see, as humans who live in a fallen world, we are bound to have struggles sometimes.

The problem with trying to avoid looking weak, is that your marriage will eventually deteriorate if you’re not doing anything to improve it.

The great thing about working with a licensed marriage and family therapist, is that we keep your business confidential. We are not allowed to talk to others about you. Many of us do not judge you or see you as weak. We simply just see you as to individuals who are doing the best you can to keep your marriage alive.

When people go to the doctor for a check up, we certainly don’t think they are weak. So why do we think people who go to marriage counseling or couples therapy are weak?

Their marital issues aren’t serious enough for therapy

Your marriage does not have to be on the verge of collapse for couples therapy to benefit you. Why would you wait for the house to collapse before you start repairs?

Couples therapy is best for people who are interested in doing the work, being vulnerable with one another and reconnecting.

It’s important to seek couples counseling in Houston before things become irreparable. Prevention is better than cure.

They can talk to their friends or family about their marital problems

Of course you can talk to your friends and family about your marital problems, but are they trained in human behavior? Do they have a background in psychology? Are they able to give you the necessary skills and tools to do life with your spouse? Or will they just nod their heads, pray for you and send you on your merry way?

Although your friends and family members probably mean well, sometimes, they inadvertently give you advice that will end up sabotaging your entire marriage.

It’s important to note that couples therapists have years of experience and training that is specific to couples and marriages, and they know how to help you listen, communicate in a way that is stress free, and also how to stop persistent problems that have plagued your marriage for years.

If you are ready to finally have a marriage that feels easy, and learn how to appropriately communicate with your spouse, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me.