8 Myths about therapy or counseling

Perhaps you have thought of seeking a therapist, but you are not sure what the outcome will be. Maybe your friends have had a negative interaction with a therapist, which makes you wary. Below I address a few myths about therapy and I delve into the truth from my perspective.

Please note that all therapists are different, and each of us approaches our work in a different way.

Your therapist only talks about the past:

I’ve read this one in many social media forums. There is a general idea that it is the therapist’s job to blame your mother for everything that’s going wrong in your life or to only focus on the things that have happened in your past. Well many many years ago, there was a time when your mother would have been blamed for pretty much every shortcoming you have. But we therapists have advanced beyond that. We now know that even though your environment does shape you, your personality, other biological factors and life experiences all play a role in your life.

So don’t worry. I will most certainly NOT focus solely on your past when you come to see me. While I believe that your past is a window into your present, I don’t dwell entirely on the past.

Your therapist can’t help you with your goals and dreams:

Many people believe that a therapist is simply someone who diagnoses you, but then after that the focus is on ‘Fixing.’ The truth is that there are many theoretical orientations that therapists adhere to. I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Solution Focused Therapy. As a Solution Focused Therapist we talk about what you want your life to look like, and we then create practical steps to help you get there. It’s quite present focused and it’s very powerful in helping you figure out what barriers prevent you from reaching your dreams, as well as getting the motivation to actually make those dreams come true.

Your therapist is focused on pathology and mental illness:

A lot of people run away from therapists because they believe that they will be diagnosed with some scary illness. I totally get it. I wouldn’t want a scary illness following me around either. If this is a concern for you, have a conversation with your therapist before you begin services. Ask him or her if there will be a diagnosis, and I also encourage you to ask about what diagnosis will be given to you. Knowledge is power.

When I meet with clients, my focus is actually more on their strengths than their areas of growth. I believe it is my job to help you uncover strengths so that you can utilize those strengths to actually become the person you’ve dreamed of. We also talk about your support system and how they can help you improve your life.

Side note: If you plan to use your healthcare insurance, it’s important to know that insurance companies typically only reimburse services if your therapist has diagnosed you. So this is an important factor to weigh when you decide to go through your insurance. Depending on your future career, a mental health diagnosis does remain as part of your permanent record.

Your therapist has to tell your loved ones that you’re in therapy:

This is a big, fat no no. Now while there are some situations in which the therapist might have to involve your loved ones in your care (for example if you are a danger to yourself), whatever you say in the therapy room is typically not shared with your loved ones, employer or colleague. Now if you want your loved ones involved in your care or if you want to bring them into session to support you, you absolutely can work that out with your therapist. But when you work with a therapist, expect that your information will remain the therapy room.

A special note here. Therapists are mandated reporters, so in some cases we will have to make a report. Read more about that here.

Your therapist will shame you:

It is never your therapist’s job to shame you, berate you or make you feel bad about yourself. Her (or his) job is to be your support, to help you feel better, to discover patterns of behavior that you haven’t noticed about yourself, and to see improvement. We do a lot deeper work than if you were to read a self development book. If your therapist is shaming you, it’ll be really difficult for therapy to be successful.

All your therapist does is nod and smile:

While it might seem like all we do is nod and smile, we are paying serious attention to you. We are looking at your body language to see if you are comfortable, uncomfortable and how things are affecting you. We actively listen for patterns that might be important for us to change. In some forms of therapy like in EMDR or Brainspotting, the therapist might even bring in gadgets to help you change unhelpful patterns. In some instances we bring in worksheets, videos, or audio materials to help you. Outside of session we often plan out the session ahead of time, look for helpful materials and when you leave the room, we are ensuring that we are keeping good notes so that we can continue with an effective plan of action. Sometimes we even coordinate your care with your psychiatrist, physician or any other professional in your life whom you choose to be a part of your care.

You have to be on medication to be in therapy:

As a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, I am unable to prescribe or sell you medications. I am even unable to give you advice about what medications to take and when to take them. Medication is the job of nurses, physicians and pharmacists. In fact you do not have to be on medication or even want medication to be in therapy. Medication is your choice and you can decide to do what is best for you. If you are thinking about taking medications, I would highly suggest that you have a conversation with a physician so that you can make an informed decision.

Therapy is for “Crazy people” with serious problems:

I hear this one A LOT. The truth is I have never had a “Crazy” client and I am not even sure what that word means. To participate in therapy, you have to have a certain level of insight. It’s important that you aware of who you are, where you are, what day and time it is, what goals you are trying to accomplish, etc. To work with me, we have to be able to communicate with each other effectively and I only work with people who actually want to work with me. So I guess “Crazy people” by default, probably won’t be able to benefit from traditional therapy.

You also don’t have to have “Serious” life and death problems to benefit from therapy. Some people come to therapy after they relocate so they can work on the adjustment. Others come because they have struggles in their jobs, mild depression, mild anxiety, struggles in their relationship, difficulty making friends, or they just need someone to provide them with emotional support.

Sometimes mom life can get you feeling stressed or sleeping issues and insomnia can lead you to seek therapy (Another side note: Yes your therapist can help you resolve insomnia. I personally utilize a short-term 5 to 7 session insomnia treatment called CBT for insomnia or CBT i. Read more about that here). No problem is too small for therapy because we can all benefit from a little extra support. Sometimes, therapy is purely preventative. You come in when your symptoms are still very mild so that you prevent them from becoming severe.

If you’re ready to try therapy and get rid of anxiety or insomnia, I offer a free 15 minute consultation call. While my therapy office is in Murrieta, I also see women from all over California via a secure form of tele therapy. Click here to request your free consultation call.

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FAQs About Counseling, Therapy or Psychotherapy in Murrieta

Happy new year folks! I took a blogging break so that I could rest and begin to work on some more helpful mental health topics for you in 2020. I hope you had a great holiday break and you’re ready to take 2020 by storm.

Today I’m going to be answering some of the frequently asked questions about therapy or counseling that are often thrown at me. I know that finding a therapist or counselor in Murrieta/Temecula or even in the Inland Empire could be daunting, so my goal today is to make the process a bit easier for you. Many people who seek a therapist out in the Inland Empire are new to therapy. It’s normal to have some questions before you begin. And even if you don’t live in Murrieta, Temecula or the Inland Empire, chances are you have some of these questions when you’re seeking out a therapist.

Okay, let’s dive in. Below are some of the questions I get asked quite a bit. If you have questions about therapy that you’d like a licensed therapist to answer, go ahead and write them down in the comments section:

1) Is therapy confidential?

I get this question all the time. In short, the answer is “Yes and no.” I know it’s confusing, but let me explain. In the state of California, therapists are mandated reporters. It means that there are certain situations we have to report under the law- for the protection of certain people.

Some of these situations are:

• Child abuse- That includes physical, emotional, sexual abuse, or neglect of a child who is less than 18 years of age. When you are in the therapy room, if you disclose that a child is being abused, the therapist has the mandate to make a report to Child Protective Services (CPS). Now as a therapist, I do not investigate whether or not the allegation of abuse is true. My job is to simply pass the report on to CPS and let them do their job. Click here to read more about CPS child abuse reporting in California.

• Dependent adult abuse- This is the abuse of someone who is an adult ages 8 to 64, but due to his or her physical or emotional state, he or she cannot perform certain independent tasks without assistance. Types of abuse that must be reported include sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect and even financial abuse. So if you’re in a session with me and you report for example. that your 19 year old neighbor, who is a dependent adult, is underfed, malnourished and always being yelled at, I will be mandated to report to Adult Protective Services (APS). Here is the link to Riverside County APS.

• Elder adult abuse- This is the abuse of an adult who is 65 years or older. It includes abandonment or neglect, financial abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse or even healthcare abuse. So abuse doesn’t only mean harming the person physically or emotionally, misuse of the elder’s funds and healthcare fraud could also be reportable. In this case if I suspect any of the above types of abuse is going on, I’ll also make a report to APS so that the individual is kept safe.

• Danger to self or others: My job as a therapist is to ensure that you are safe. If at any time, it becomes obvious that you are going to be a danger to yourself, to another person or to the property of another person, it is my prerogative to report to the necessary authorities so that everyone concerned can be safe. In this case, I can choose not to report, but if I deem that this is the best action, then I could go ahead and bring in a third party to keep you safe.

• Patriot Act of 2001: This law was enacted as a response to the horrific attacks on September 11, 2001. This indicates that if a client of mine is a suspected terrorist, the FBI or their law enforcement agencies can request information from me, and I would have to comply with their requests. Read more about the Patriot Act here.

But if you are not a danger to yourself or others, if you are not a suspected terrorist and if there is no suspected elder, dependent or child abuse, then the information you divulge in therapy remains confidential.

2) Will my health insurance pay for my therapy visits?

The answer to this one is “It depends.” Some insurance companies have mental health coverage and they will allow you to see a therapist who has signed a contract with them. These therapists are “In network” with your insurance company. It’s important to ask your insurance company what your benefits are, so you can decide what you want to do.

Some insurance companies will specify the number and types of sessions that you can have. For example, some insurance companies do not cover couples therapy. Others will cover tele therapy (therapy over the phone or computer), while some won’t.

In some situations, you might find a therapist whom you really like, but they might not have a contract with your insurance company. If you have a PPO plan, you might be able to still work with an out of network therapist and also get a percentage of the therapy cost reimbursed by your health insurance company.

What I do in this case is that the client pays me out of pocket for each session, and then I provide them a superbill (it’s sort of a receipt for services), which the client forwards to the insurance company for coverage.

It’s important to ask your insurance company if you have to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder in order for services to be covered.

Insurance companies often determine the length of sessions, types of sessions covered, how much you will be reimbursed, and sometimes which therapist you see.

3) Will my spouse, parents, kids, family and loved ones know that I’m in therapy?

It really depends on what you want and the circumstances under which you came to therapy. If you are mandated to come to couples or family therapy by a judge, then of course your family will know that you’re in therapy. But if you are coming of your own will as an adult, you don’t necessarily have to tell anyone that you’re seeing a therapist.

Some people have their family members (like their parents, spouse, etc). In that case, by default, the payer will know that you’re in therapy. However they don’t necessarily get access to your records or get to chat with the therapist about your personal business. It really depends on what you want. Remember- your mental health is your personal business. You can tell whomever you want about what happens in your therapy, but I cannot tell anyone (except I’m doing a mandated report as stated above). In other words, your secrets are safe with me.

And in the case that your spouse, child, in laws, friends or coworkers call me asking for information about you, the standard response I give is “I cannot confirm or deny that I know her.” My lips are sealed unless you give me written permission to speak to a loved one or colleague.

4) Can I be honest with my therapist?

Well do you want to make progress in your life? When you work with me, I typically start where you’re comfortable. We go where you want to go, and talk about the areas that you feel comfortable addressing. I will in no way force you to talk about trauma or childhood memories- except you’re comfortable with it.

As we build more rapport, you will naturally begin to tell me about deeper issues that are bothering you. For therapy to work well, it is important to be honest with your therapist so that we can work together as a team. In my therapy office in Murrieta, there is no room for judgement or blame. I help you uncover your strengths, combat thoughts that don’t work well for you and identify new, positive coping skills. That’s a brief summary of my role as a therapist.

5) What will my first therapy session look like?

Therapy looks different depending on who you choose as your therapist- because we all have different approaches to the work that we do. When you work with me, your first contact with me will either be through a phone call or an email. If it’s through email, I'll ask you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me so that I can find out more about what your struggles are and you can also decide if I’m the best fit for you. I believe very strongly that you have to pick the therapist that is the right fit for you, not the one who is the cheapest or whose office is the closest to your home.

After the consultation call, if you decide to begin services with me, we’ll schedule an appointment and you get to see me either in my therapy office in Murrieta or online. As licensed marriage and family therapist in California, I can see anyone in California through teletherapy- which is kind of like a Skype video call- only through a more secure platform.

During your first therapy session, I’ll collect your payment, ask you questions about your background and what brought you into therapy. And we will work together to create a plan of action so that you can find relief as fast as possible. I’m more of a short term therapy kind of therapist. I like us to find the fastest route to healing because I don’t want you to be in therapy forever!

We typically will meet every week as I see the most progress in clients who see me weekly. When things are improving, naturally we’ll taper down to every other week, then probably once a month.

You’ll sit on my comfy couch, we’ll talk and you’ll get homework sometimes (yes, I’m a fan of homework) to ensure that you’re able to implement what you learned. I believe therapy should be helpful- not just weekly jibber jabber.

And that’s pretty much it. If you have any other questions about finding a therapist in Murrieta/Temecula, feel free to comment below or email me.

Thinking about starting therapy? I love working with women who struggle with anxiety, people pleasing behaviors and self esteem issues. I also love helping insomniacs sleep through my CBT for insomnia work. If you’re ready to get rid of anxiety or insomnia, click here to request a free 15-min consultation call.

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How to use your love language to strengthen your family relationships.

Relationships can be tricky. And when I say relationships, I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I’m talking about parent-child, friend-friend, brother-sister, aunty-niece, and every other type of relationship you can think of. It’s important that you know how your loved ones actually want to be loved. Anything short of that will feel to them like something is missing in your relationship.

What’s a love language?

And that’s where love languages come in. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, each person has a specific way in which he or she prefers to give and/or receive love. This is called a love language. Gary Chapman states that there are 5 love languages, and that each love language can be used in the workplace, with our kids, partners and pretty much in every important relationship. To have a solid relationship, it is important that you know your partner or loved one’s love language so that you can show him or her love in a way that he or she can receive it. If you are loving them in a way that they cannot receive it, they will feel unappreciated, unseen or unheard. Typically, we show people love in the way that we like to receive it, but it’s important that we not only learn our own love language, but we learn how to speak our loved one’s love language.

To get these love languages right, it’s first important that you know what the 5 love languages are.

What are the 5 love languages?

1) Physical Touch: This one is quite easy to notice. If your loved one loves hugs, kisses, snuggles, cuddles and any other type of physical touch, then this is probably his or her primary love language.

What this looks like for children: You’ll notice this easily in little children. They’re the ones who love high fives, who hug you when you return from work in the evening, they’ll want to sit on your lap, hold your hand, snuggle in bed with you and have some sort of bodily contact with you. It makes them feel safe, protected and loved. If your child loves physical touch, make an effort to provides lots of hugs, kisses and high fives.

What this looks like in adults: Many women often roll their eyes when we talk about physical touch because they automatically assume that physical touch and sex are synonymous. The truth is, children who love physical touch grow up to be adults who love physical touch- that is unless their environment doesn’t endorse safe physical touch. So if your partner’s love language is physical touch, make an effort to hold his/her hand, give a kiss, a back rub, sit next to him/her on the couch, and use bodily warmth to be reassuring. If physical touch isn’t your thing, then it’ll definitely take an effort on your part, but it’ll help build your bond.

2) Acts of service: People who love acts of service are those who always seem to be volunteering for one mission or the other, they spend their time serving others in some way and they are always tryin to do nice things for others.

What this looks like for children: Kids who love acts of service are the ones who constantly ask you if they can help you, they volunteer to be the teacher’s helper at school, they are there to help their friends, and they take joy in using their time to be helpful to others. To keep the love alive, let them be your helper- no matter how young they are. They can help you with folding laundry, they can pass you the salt at the dining table, they can help younger ones with homework, and they most certainly can be the teacher’s helper at school.

What this looks like in adults: Adults who love acts of service are also always doing things for others. It might look like them offering to wash your car, offering to pick up something for you at the grocery store, fixing things around the house, and always being a helpful resource to others. To fill their love tanks, offer to also be helpful for them. Ask if you can work with them on a project, or be helpful in some way. If you’re handy, offer to fix something up for them. They’ll be sure to appreciate that.

3) Words of affirmation: If this is your love language, then it means that you are always talking to people about how much you love and appreciate them. You are the cheerleader of the family. You write kind notes, you tell people how much you appreciate them and you’re very verbal with your love.

What this looks like for children: These are the natural encouragers. They tell others “Good job!” or “You’ve got this!” They’re also the kids who tell you “I love you” over and over again.They are not shy to show you how much you mean to them. So then, you can strengthen your relationship by reciprocating this. When they do well, you should verbally tell them that you are proud of them. Also be vocal about your love for them. They need to hear it first in order to feel it.

What this looks like in adults: They are also encouragers. They’ll tell you how much they appreciate you, they’ll send you texts and emails about how glad they are about something you did. They’ll remind you of their love for you. All you have to do is simply listen to them, and you’ll surely hear the ways that they affirm you verbally. To show your love for them, do the same. Send texts about how much you appreciate and love them, and if you’re comfortable, tell them to their face as well. If this isn’t your love language, it might feel awkward to do this at first, but it really does help to strengthen your relationship.

4) Gifts: Some people feel loved when they are given tangible gifts. These gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money. They simply like a physical token to remind them of your love for them.

What this looks like for children: These are the children who are always making something for you. They draw pictures, they make Lego statues, they make you a bracelet, or they simply sculpt something out of modeling clay. Please don’t throw these gifts away in front of your kids. Express your appreciation for them and display them on the fridge or somewhere public for a while, to show that you want to receive their love.

What this looks like in adults: These are the people who will buy or make you gifts. They might make a photo book, a scrap book or even buy you something expensive. This is simply their way of showing you that they love you. If you’re not someone who treasures gifts, it’ll be important to have a conversation about that with your partner about how to maneuver this situation- especially if they are in the habit of spending a lot of money on gifts.

5) Quality Time: This one is the most tasking love languages for some people as time is the only resource we feel like we need more of but we can’t get more of.

What this looks like for children: These are kids who want to sit by you, look you in the eyes when they are speaking and they want your undivided attention. As they get older, they’ll try to get your attention by following you around the house or just asking you to be with them. A quick tip for busy parents of kids who want quality time. Begin to include them in your day to day activities. They can sit with you as you fold laundry, you can have a conversation with them in the kitchen as you cook, you can take them with you to the grocery store. They don’t care where you are, they just want to see your face. If you’re away from home for an extended period of time, you can do a quick FaceTime call with them. Perhaps carve out a few minutes at the end of the day to just be with them and look them in the eyes the way that they want. Quality time doesn’t have to take a long time. It just has to feel like your attention is on them.

What this looks like in adults: These are people who want you to spend time with them. Put down your electronics and schedule a date with them. It doesn’t even have to be romantic or expensive. Go on a short walk together, watch TV together, listen to music together, cook together, run errands together. They’re happy if they are able to get your attention.

So, do you know what your love language is? Note that it’s possible to have multiple love languages or a primary and secondary love language. And if you’re struggling to connect with your partner or your kids, I offer family counseling in Murrieta to help families get back on the same page and begin to get along again. Call me on 951-905-3181 or email me here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. I also offer individual counseling or therapy online throughout California.

Risks and benefits of therapy

Therapy or counseling has become quite widespread in the US. In the Murrieta/Temecula area alone, there are probably almost about 100 therapists- if not more. There are therapists that specialize in anxiety, therapists for depression, for grief and loss, postpartum depression, family counseling, you name it. While some people have embraced therapy whole heartedly, others are still wary of it. After all, I can see why the idea of talking to a third party behind closed doors can appear scary to some. So let’s pull the curtain back. Let’s dive into the risks and benefits of therapy, so you remain informed when you make a decision to embark on your journey of healing.

Benefits of Therapy

1) An opportunity for growth: Most people see a therapist because they are ready for a change. Typically, there is something going on in their lives that they want to work on or improve. Usually your friends and your family members do not have the training to help you see patterns that aren’t working for you. Sometimes they might notice these patterns, but they either are too emotionally involved to help you, or they just don’t know how to communicate with you in a way that you can receive it. This is where your therapist comes in. We help you put the pieces together so that you can change those parts of you that are no longer working for you and move forward. We essentially help you get unstuck, but without judgement and shame.

2) A safe sounding board: Sometimes we just aren’t ready to hear what our family members have to say about us. And sometimes your family members and friends aren’t able to listen to you when you need them to. Sometimes your loved ones are really harsh with their feedback. In the therapy room, there is emotional safety. It’s time for you to get someone’s undivided attention and bounce your situation off of them. If you’ve never sat in a room that’s a safe space for all your deepest thoughts and ideas, try it. There is so much healing that could happen in the process. Without safety no one can open up, and without opening up you can’t do the work of growth.

3) A deep understanding of yourself and your environment: Therapy is the place where you can find out why you are the way you are or why your family is the way that they are. You learn to stop shaming yourself. You’ll probably learn how to put away guilt and you’ll begin to learn how to work through patterns of behavior that you’re trying to break. Once you know why you do the things that you do, it becomes a lot easier to stop making the same mistakes over and over. You begin to let go of things that don’t work for you and move forward.

You can also have a deeper understanding of your family, your loved ones and your environment. Through family therapy, you can bring your loved ones in and learn about what triggers you, better ways to communicate. You can also talk about hurts and pain in a safe environment so that you can grow and move forward. Couples therapy allows you to open up to your partner about emotions and thoughts that you probably did not know how to communicate. But a trained therapist facilitates important discussions.

4) Decrease in negative thoughts: I love to work from a cognitive behavioral therapy perspective. What this simply means is that I believe that your thoguths, your feelings and your behaviors are all connected. If you are aware of the way you think about the world, you can then begin to change any thoughts that have held you back for years. Each week, we’ll work on analyzing those thoughts, figuring out whether or not they are true, and coming up with alternative, more realistic thoughts. Once you switch the way you think about situations, your feelings also begin to shift. If your thoughts are mostly negative, you will also feel negative about your circumstances. You’ll learn to approach the world in a whole new way. You learn how to take control of the things that you can and let go of those that you cannot change. Talk about taking off burdens!

5) Stronger relationships: Sometimes you and your loved ones just can’t see eye to eye. The love might be strong, but the communication might be weak. In the therapy room, you learn communication skills that help you get your point across clearly and respectfully. You learn what the barriers are to successful communication and how to overcome them. Now, therapy is not a magic pill. It takes hard work and commitment, but if you and your loved ones are committed to making it work, it truly can heal your relationships- whether it is marriage counseling, family therapy or just individual counseling for anxiety, depression, trauma or whatever struggle you’re experiencing. You begin to have a deeper understanding of the way your environment works and how to make it better.

6) Increased self confidence: When you have the same struggle over and over again, it affects the way you feel about yourself. Often times, we blame ourselves for the struggles we are having, which takes a huge toll on our self confidence. But once you start to unlock the negative thinking and your emotions get lighter, increased self confidence follows.

Now that we’ve talked about the benefits of therapy, let’s dive into the risks.

Risks of Therapy

1) You may feel worse before you feel better: Therapy takes work. I always tell my clients that we have to dig through mud if we want to get fruit from a tree. This simply means you have to roll up your sleeves, look inwards and unpack difficult emotions. Sometimes there will be tears involved, sometimes you’ll be angry, and sometimes difficult memories will also come up. Some days you’ll leave the therapy room feeling worn down, tired and stressed out, but this is typically the process to growth. Have you ever seen a child learning to walk? She falls down hundreds of times. And each time, she looks frustrated, but if she hangs in there, she’ll eventually master the skill and even learn to run. You can’t skip the difficult parts.

2) Your relationship might worsen or even end: With couples therapy, sometimes couples come in when they are on the brink of divorce. One partner has her foot out the door, while the other one is begging her to remain in the relationship. In this situation, sometimes the partner who wants the divorce may never be willing to reconcile because he has made up his mind about wanting the relationship to end. Most people think that couples therapy always saves a marriage, but in some cases, both partners might come to the realization that they don’t want to stay together. It’s not the therapist’s job to force one party to reconcile with the other, rather we simply facilitate a peaceful process so that both parties can move forward. Sometimes couples therapy becomes a path to navigate a healthy breakup.

3) Discomfort: Being in therapy brings up a whole lot of difficult emotions. There might be traumatic memories that come up to the surface, there might be the realization that your family members aren’t the supportive bunch you thought they were, sometimes your partner might bring up a secret that he or she has been keeping from you, or sometimes your child confronts you about mistakes you made in your past. There might be some cringing, tears, sadness, feelings of guilt and shame. But it is the therapist’s job to hold space for you so that you can work on processing these difficult emotions and memories.

4) Growth could be slow: Therapy is not always a quick process. Depending on what issues and circumstances you want to work on, it could take weeks, months or sometimes, even years to get a resolution. My advice is to start therapy when you are ready. And when you are ready, be open, honest and committed to the process. If you come in to see your therapist only once in a while and you’re not open with her, chances are your growth will be stalled. It’s normal to sometimes try to self sabotage. That’s something you can discuss with your therapist and work through. But if you are committed to the process, the growth will come.

And there you have it. Those are some of the risks and benefits of therapy. If you are in the Murrieta/Temecula area, struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, or insomnia, I provide therapy or counseling in Murrieta and online. Call me on 951-905-3181 or email me to schedule your free 15 minute consultation so that you can finally get the sleep you deserve or find your voice. I also provide online therapy to individuals throughout California.

How to sleep better at night naturally

Have you ever wondered how you can finally cure your insomnia without pills or expensive remedies? Well, after visiting your doctor to ensure that your airways and overall health are good, it’s time to take insomnia by the horns, so to speak. Here are some simple tips to help you sleep better at night naturally:

1) Dim the lights in the evening: Our natural sleep cycles are actually quite dependent on light. This is why people in regions where the sun doesn't shine much often struggle with poor quality sleep. As the evening progresses, begin to close your blinds and/or dim your lights if possible. This sends a signal to your brain that it is time to begin to wind down. This is no different than how we raise babies. We typically put them in dim rooms as the evening progresses so that they learn that dim light means sleep time.

2) Avoid super spicy foods for dinner: This doesn't apply to everyone, but for some, spicy foods can cause heart burn and all types of stomach discomfort. So if you struggle with heart burn or gas because of specific foods, make a list of all your no go foods and ensure that you don’t eat them for dinner. That way your body has a chance to actually be at peace when you lay down at night.

3) Stop working in your bedroom: Yes, I know we live in a very busy, multitasking world, but the problem with having your bedroom double as an office, is that your bedroom becomes a cue for work, rather than rest. To break it down, if you use your bedroom for work, your brain gets so used to working in that space that when it’s bedtime, it becomes difficult to switch from work mode to rest mode. Imagine how you feel when you walk into the office. Your brain lights up and lets you know that it’s time to get work done. And the ideal situation you should be aiming for, is for your brain to get the memo that it’s sleep time the moment you walk into your bedroom at night. The solution? Pick another room in the house to be your office. Or consider going to the library, a coffee shop or even a co-working space to get work done. Your bedroom should be used for sleep, rest and sex alone.

4) Spend the last hour before bedtime just relaxing: If you struggle with poor quality sleep, you have to train your body to learn how to relax. Chances are not getting enough sleep has you on edge. When you’re laying down at night staring at the ceiling, you probably aren’t thinking of warm, fuzzy thoughts. So set some time apart each day to just relax. You can cozy up to a good book (I prefer paperback over e-readers, as e-readers produce melatonin inhibiting blue light), spend some time in prayer, practice yoga, drink some herbal tea, do some light cleaning, chat with a friend on the phone, or engage in any sort of gentle activity. You want your body to slowly begin to wind down before you jump into bed at night. Having a nighttime routine every day is a gentle reminder to your body to shut down at the same time each night.

5) Limit noise in the evening: To create a relaxing environment, limit noise within your home or bedroom when bedtime is approaching. Maybe even turn off the news, which can be quite triggering for some, and put on your favorite relaxing music. I’d also say to stay away from heated or spirited conversations in the evening so you can go to bed feeling peaceful and ready to relax.

6) Notice the negative thoughts you have about sleep: Many insomniacs have a very negative view of sleep. And it makes sense because insomnia can really produce a pessimistic view of sleep. If you find that you are dreading your bedroom at the end of the night, it’s time to begin to work on changing your thoughts about sleep. Some important facts to note about insomnia are that:

-It’s treatable. CBT for insomnia is actually much more effective than sleep medications.

-Begin with positive affirmations to help you combat those negative thoughts about sleep.

-You can seek help from a professional who is trained to treat insomnia so that you can begin to work on your thoughts and attitude towards sleep.

And if you have tried every possible remedy, but insomnia is still a thorn in your flesh, considered CBT for insomnia. In as little as 5 to 7 sessions, you can go from insomniac to normal sleeper. click here to schedule a free 15-min consultation to see if CBT for insomnia in the Murrieta/Temecula area and online is right for you.

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17 Tips to Create the Ultimate Sleep Environment and Improve Your Quality of Sleep

Picture this: Despite your jam-packed schedule, you’ve still reserved enough time to unwind and relax before bed. Your bedroom is cool, calm and dark, and you’re able to fall asleep and stay asleep without any trouble. The next morning, you manage to wake up before your alarm and feel well-rested, perhaps even energetic, and ready to take on the world. If this sounds like a scenario you can only dream of, you’re not alone – only about half of Americans wake up feeling well-rested. We’ve gathered the 17 best tips for creating the ideal sleep environment to improve your quality of sleep so you can (finally) get a good night’s sleep.

Create the Ideal Sleep Environment

1. Declutter your room. Keeping your bedroom tidy and removing any potential distractions is essential for your body to begin to relax. Important work documents, busy artwork or even a treadmill are all examples of the stressful reminders of your responsibilities that can distract you while you are trying to sleep. Instead, try to keep your room clutter-free and the décor to a minimum.

2. Reduce light exposure. For an ideal sleep environment, try room darkening window treatments, heavy curtains, or an eye mask to eliminate as much natural light as possible. Light can come from anywhere—streetlights, your hallway, even the moon and the stars—all of which can trick your brain into thinking it’s daytime. Blue light exposure can also affect you quality of sleep. Research shows that blue light exposure keeps you awake by increasing alertness, shifting your circadian rhythm, and suppressing the sleep-promoting hormone melatonin. Set an alarm an hour before you want to lay down signaling it’s time to give up your devices, and begin your bedtime ritual or take up reading instead. You may even consider investing in filtering eyeglasses to wear throughout the day as you are looking at a computer or phone screen to avoid straining your eyes.

3. Use Essential Oils. It’s no surprise that smell influences how we feel by associating scents with emotions and memories. Often overlooked, essential oil for sleep can help you wind down, relax, and eventually drift off. Essential oil aromatherapy is a quick and inexpensive solution to combat poor sleep, helping you relax physically and mentally. Lavender and vanilla are the more popular oils to help you sleep and can be added to an aromatherapy diffuser or vaporizer to disperse into the bedroom.

4. Emphasize symmetry with furniture placement. For a better sleep environment, it’s essential to think about the positioning of your furniture as this plays a role in the functionality and symmetry of your bedroom. For optimal balance, position your bed against the middle of a wall as far away from the door as possible, and with room on both sides. When lying in bed, you should be facing the door with your feet closest to the entrance. If possible, try to avoid lying with your head underneath the window.

5. Find your ideal pillow. To maintain spinal alignment while you sleep, the standard rule of thumb is to replace your pillow every 1 to 2 years. However, if you lie awake unable to get comfortable, or wake up with headaches, neck aches, and shoulder pains, you might consider finding a replacement earlier. When choosing pillow firmness—ranging from softer choices like down pillows to firmer choices like buckwheat pillows—keep your sleeping position in mind. Stomach sleepers tend to prefer a thin pillow, back sleepers find that medium support works best, while side sleepers favor thicker pillows. Furthermore, if you have allergies or asthma, hypoallergenic covers are an option, protecting from any allergens that may trigger your symptoms.

6. Invest in a new mattress. It's equally important to take into consideration your sleeping position as this will determine whether a soft or firm bed is the right choice for you. Whichever mattress type you’re leaning towards—perhaps memory foam, natural fiber, or a cooling and heating mattress—be sure to test out the options in-store. Even mail-order mattress companies offer free home trials. Although most mattresses last up to 10 years, the upfront cost can indeed be intimidating. If finances are tight, foam toppers can be added to your mattress as a comfort boost and to help prevent waking up stiff and achy. Some mattresses are designed with specific health conditions in mind, so check with your doctor when selecting a new mattress if you have sleep apnea, sciatica, scoliosis, etc.

7. Consider new sheets. When shopping around for sheets, you’ll notice that there are several different thread counts, weaves and materials to choose from. These all contribute to the warmth and softness of the sheets, and choosing the ideal bed sheets depends on the type of sleeper you are. Do you wake up in the middle of the night shivering, despite the endless layers covering you? Popular choices to combat the cold are fleece and jersey, followed by silk. Or maybe you wake up feeling as though you’ve been sleeping in a sauna. If this sounds like you, consider looking into materials like cotton and linen or maybe even bamboo bed sheets. Designed for “hot sleepers”, bed sheets with breathable fabric and temperature-regulating properties trap in less heat to help you sleep through the night.

8. Discover the perfect bedspread. Offered in many different styles—from comforters and duvet covers, to blankets and throws— these top layers give extra warmth and style to your bed. Every bedspread provides a different level of weight and texture and what works for your sleep environment and comfort is entirely up to you.

9. Paint your bedroom walls a soothing color. Color has a powerful effect on our mood and can influence our sleep quality by creating a calm environment. Research shows that the best bedroom color for sleep is blue, followed by yellow, green, and silver. Try to stick to neutral, pastel, or muted shades, as bold colors can trick the brain into thinking it needs to be alert.

10. Use a sound machine/conditioner. If you have a partner that snores, live on a busy street, or catch yourself lying awake lost in your thoughts, a white noise sleep machine might be just what you’re missing. Light sleepers may prefer an app that offers a variety of nature-like noises such as crashing waves or light rainfall. Or, a simple bedroom fan could do the trick for someone uncomfortable in pure silence.

Develop Healthy Habits for a Better Night's Sleep

11. Select the ideal sleeping temperature. Whether you reside in Detroit, MI in the middle of winter, or Tampa, FL in the summer, the best temperature to support a healthy night’s sleep is usually between 60 and 67 degrees Fahrenheit. However, this varies from person to person, and other elements in your environment—such as climate conditions, bedding type, and pajamas—can have an influence on your best temperature for sleeping. Some people tend to be warmer sleepers than others, which could also sway their ideal sleeping temperature. Nonetheless, temperatures over 75 and below 54 degrees Fahrenheit are sure to disrupt your sleep.

12. Refrain from sleeping with pets. You may think of your pet as a member of the family, so why wouldn’t you share your bed with them? 45 percent of Americans allow their dogs in bed but that may be what is causing your restless nights. Many people have allergies to cats and dogs that can be aggravated when sharing a bed. These allergens can linger in clothes, pillows, and bedding and could cause a reaction. With a wide range of styles of pet beds and crates to consider—such as a nesting bed, elevated bed, or a heating bed—it could be time to look into an alternate sleeping arrangement for your companion.

13. Avoid caffeine consumption after 2 p.m. We’ve all been there—it’s 10 p.m. and you are still wired from that afternoon cup of joe. Research shows that consuming caffeine even 6 hours before bed can disrupt your sleep. If you rely on a daily afternoon pick-me-up, chances are your caffeine-infused stimulant could be affecting your sleep quality and duration. Begin your day with highly caffeinated drinks and slowly reduce your caffeine intake throughout the morning by switching to tea or decaffeinated coffee. You’ll definitely want to cut out caffeine altogether by 2 p.m.

14. Exercise regularly for better sleep. Exercise not only releases endorphins but also helps you fall asleep faster and wake up feeling well-rested. Even as little as 10 minutes of exercise at any time during the day can greatly increase sleep quality. Joining a local gym, meeting regularly with a personal trainer, or finding a physical activity that you enjoy are all ways to get a good sweat in. If you have a limiting schedule, you can even create an in-home gym for flexibility and convenience.

15. Create a nighttime routine. Most activities that many of us do in the evening—such as watching TV or using our phones—can be overstimulating. By staying consistent with a calming bedtime ritual, your body will recognize that it’s time for sleep, and screen time may not be as tempting. Your nighttime routine can be as simple as brushing your teeth, washing your face, flossing and maybe even enjoying a decaffeinated bedtime tea. The options are endless, and how you begin to wind down is ultimately up to you. Dim the lights, unwind, and relax.

16. Avoid naps too close to the evening. While short power naps are encouraged and offer many benefits, long naps in the late afternoon and evening can have negative effects on your sleep quality. Instead, limit naps from 15 to 30 minutes in the early afternoon. This will increase your chances of waking up feeling rejuvenated while still being able to fall asleep easily come bedtime. Your circadian rhythm drops in the early afternoon—between 2 p.m. and 3 p.m.—and can leave you feeling more sleepy and in need of a nap. This is the best time to doze off without disrupting your sleep at night.

17. Resist snoozing the alarm. You actually wake up more tired after snoozing your alarm, especially if hitting the snooze button multiple times is part of your routine. You can’t reach the restorative level of sleep between alarms, ultimately confusing your brain and throwing off the natural wake up process. If you sleep for seven to nine hours per night, your body shouldn’t need the extra sleep and could even begin waking up on its own before your first alarm goes off. Try gradually reducing the number of times you allow yourself to snooze the alarm clock until you are waking up after just the first.

Originally published on Redfin

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