Follow These 4 Effective Steps to Prevent Anxiety Attacks

Guess Post by Cheryl Conklin of Wellness Central

Anxiety is the emotion of fear and worry, which, on occasion, is easy to control. However, when this feeling becomes constant, it can have an overbearing impact on personal relationships, work, and quality of life. 

To prevent anxiety attacks it is important to understand its cause and then make changes to overcome it. The Zinnia Practice shares four effective lifestyle changes you can make to manage anxiety.

Have a Good Sleep Schedule

According to the ADAA, anxiety, and sleep have a strong correlation. Feeling anxious can impact your ability to sleep, while lack of sleep can trigger anxiety attacks. To overcome this cycle, it is important to gain control over your sleep schedule by following these steps:

●      Set a fixed time to sleep and wake up each day. This helps your body create a sleep-wake cycle leading to you feeling naturally sleepy at night.

●      Focus on getting around seven to nine hours of sleep daily.

●      Avoid food with high caffeine and sugar content such as coffee, chocolates, toffies, etc. before bed.

●      Refrain from using electronic devices such as your mobile phone at least 30 minutes before bedtime. Blue light emitted from screens inhibit the release of melatonin, the sleep hormone, keeping you awake and suppressing sleep.

 Practice Visualization

The goal of visualization exercises is to help you gain control over negative thoughts by imagining yourself in a relaxing environment. This environment can be a calm natural setting, a happy memory, or any other frame which invokes a positive response. According to research, our brain perceives visualized imagery in the same way as the actual experience. As a result, while practicing visualization, you may experience a drop in heart rate and an increase in deep breathing, naturally making you feel calm.

Practicing visualization two to three times a week can help keep anxiety attacks in check. Visualization should be done in a place you are comfortable in such as your bedroom or garden. Additionally, set a time when disturbances are minimal and you can fully concentrate. 

Opt for Therapy

It is important to understand that you do not need to deal with your anxiety alone. While it is natural to feel nervous about sharing your thoughts and experiences with others, opting to go for anxiety therapy can help you improve your mental health. Therapy doesn’t always need to be a long-term affair as many individuals experience significant improvement within the first 8-10 sessions. 

Make a Career Change

Working in an environment where you have an enormous workload, long hours, and low returns (in terms of recognition and pay) can lead to you feeling stressed and anxious. Additionally, job anxiety can reduce your self-confidence and productivity and lead to a lack of sleep and excessive worrying. When facing such a scenario, it is important to make a career change.

Choosing to pursue an online degree program could help you take a positive step towards overcoming job anxiety. Attending classes can expose you to an environment that is positive and productive. You could feel excited learning about new things and working towards moving up in your career. Additionally, with flexible schedules, you can learn at your convenience. While pursuing an MBA is a popular choice, other in-demand degrees include, MSc in Economics and an M.S. in Information Technology Management.

Adopting these lifestyle changes could help you to alleviate stress, have control over your mood and prevent anxiety attacks.

How to connect with your spouse using acts of service

Whenever couples come to me for couples counseling in my office in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I often ask them what their love languages are.

Some couples know what love languages are, and others just typically look at me with a blank stare. To give you a quick summary, a love language is the way you like to be loved, and the way that you show love. There are 5 love languages- quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch and words of affirmation.

For most couples, they often try to love their partner in the way that they personally want to be loved- not the way their spouse actually wants to be loved. And here is where a lot of the breakdown in a relationship or marriage begins.

The struggle often happens, because both partners have two completely different love languages- making it very difficult to show love appropriately.

If your partner’s love language is acts of service, it simply means that they like you to do things to serve them, and this helps them feel truly loved. For them, love is a lot more than saying "I love you" or buying them gifts- actually showing it is how you can connect to them.

Before you roll your eyes at me, here are five simple ways that you can connect with your spouse or show your love to your spouse, using acts of service.

Make them breakfast in bed

Nobody ever said love is easy. Love is a sacrifice.

One very simple way to show your spouse some love is to make them breakfast in bed. You do not have to go all out, you do not even have to cook the food yourself- you can even order in.

But surprise your spouse with a simple breakfast in bed. Now if you are a great cook, then here's where you can really show off your skills. Think about simple meals that your partner loves and make it for them.

As a therapist in Temecula, I often encourage couples to infuse some spontaneity and forethought into their marriage. Acts of service are all about forethought.

If you really want to be fancy then you can throw in the garnishes, and even make a multiple course meal. But if that's not your thing just present the meal neatly and that’s it.

Iron their shirt for them (Or do something they hate)

If you have a spouse who wears shirts that get rumpled easily, surprise them and iron a shirt for them, or maybe even get a part of their outfit ready for them. Or you can pick up their dry-cleaning. Yes, I know that he can dress himself up or she can dress herself up, however this is all about going above and beyond so that they know that you love them.

For example if your spouse irons their shirt every morning, and you see that they have laid a shirt out the night before, you can go the extra mile to iron the shirt for them. It’ll surprise them and also communicate that you care. Stepping in the gap is my biggest marriage counseling tip.

Pay close attention and fill a need they have

When you're having a casual conversation with your spouse, and she mentions that she needs to get something from the store, you can actually offer to do it for them. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. Maybe they are out of their favorite crackers.

You can say to them: “Never mind I'll get it for you.” Or on your way back from work that day you can swing over to the store and get it for them. This might take an extra 10 minutes of time or maybe even take you no extra time at all because you plan to be at the store yourself. This will communicate to your spouse that you're listening to them and you care for them.

Fix something around the house or hire someone to fix it for you

If you happen to have some pretty handy skills, and you notice that something in the house is broken, an act of service could be fixing it before your spouse gets to it. Or both of you can fix it together.

This way you're spending quality time and also giving an act of service. If you happen to not be handy at all, and you know that your spouse will probably never get around to fixing it, rather than complaining, why not just hire someone? Boom! Acts of service.

Step in unexpectedly to give them a break

Let's say your spouse often drops the kids off at school on Mondays, but you know that they're having a particularly difficult Monday, and you have some room in your schedule to do it, just let them know that you can do it.

You can say something like “Don't worry. I'll take the kids to school so that you can prep for your meeting.”

Acts of service could be difficult to implement because they involve time and effort, but you don't have to necessarily do huge acts of service every single day. As long as you're paying attention, you can just step in in little areas where they are tired or they are lacking. It is about anticipating your spouse’s needs and communicating with them.

If your marriage has been riding the struggle bus, and you have wondered if Temecula marriage counseling will help you, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. You do not have to wait until your marriage is in complete breakdown to go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you restore the friendship and intimacy in your marriage.

I also provide Christian counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area for couples who want to keep Jesus at the center of their marriage.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Letter to the invisible, strong woman

You are the one who carries your entire family on your back. You wake up before everyone else, you ensure that everything is in place for your family.

You have tons of hopes and dreams, but you often put them aside to ensure that everyone else is well taken care of. But deep inside, you are tired of being the strong woman. You are tired of having to plaster a smile on your face every day. You struggle secretly, and no one around you knows.

You feel lonely. The people around you have no clue what you’re going through because you are the designated strong woman. You are the trouble shooter and the official problem solver. You’re the go to woman who holds everyone’s emotions in your hands.

You would love to have a day set aside where you can just plop yourself on the bed and sleep all day. You’d love it if people checked up on you as well- rather than assuming that all is well with you.

So, strong woman, here’s how you can move from invisible superhero to seen and human.

Allow people to see your humanity

Because you’re so used to being the go to person, chances are your loved ones don’t notice when you’re down. Here’s where vulnerability comes in. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or upset, tell someone you trust. I say this over and over again to my therapy clients. If people aren’t used to seeing that side of you, they’ll assume that you’re always fine- thereby perpetuating the cycle that your needs should go unmet. When I work with clients in may therapy office in Murrieta, this is a big part of our work- feeling comforting with vulnerability.

Ask your loved ones for help

When you are the super competent, responsible person, everyone around you assumes that you can handle everything. Know your limits and be willing to ask others to help you. This is another big part of my therapy or counseling process. This prevents burn out and the endless feeling of disappointment that comes when no one offers to help you out.

Asking for help could seem very difficult- after all you’re used to handling it all on your own. But its time, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief when you learn to delegate or outsource.

Start saying “No.”

It’s important to accept that you are not superwoman. And that’s not a bad thing. Although you are the go to person and you’re also very competent, please know that rest is just as productive as work. Sometimes you have to say “No” to others when they are asking for your assistance- so that you can invest more time in rest.

The truth is that when you are the super responsible person, people who could be competent, begin to slack off because they know you will take care of things for them. But when you begin a new pattern of encouraging others to take care of responsibilities themselves, you actually will have more time to focus on tasks that are important to you.

Talk to a therapist or counselor

Assertiveness practice is such a key part of my counseling practice in Murrieta. If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of invisibility and in the superwoman role, maybe it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. As a Black or African American therapist in Murrieta, CA, I help women who identify as the responsible ones, learn how to communicate their needs, get their needs met and also be seen as human and fallible.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can finally be seen and heard.

Parenting during coronavirus: How to stay sane with your kids amidst social distancing

Parenting during the coronavirus pandemic is exceptionally challenging. You don’t have the luxury of dropping your kids off at school, dropping them off at daycare, having the nanny come over, going to the public park or library, going out to eat, or having amazing playdates.

Now the pressure is on you to keep them entertained and occupied all day long.

If this is your plight, don’t fret. I’ve got you. Here are some simple ways to survive being cooped up with your kids all day.

1) Create a simple schedule

One thing that many parents do to make this transition easier, is to have a simple schedule. You do not have to map out every minute of every day, but a flexible schedule can be helpful in giving your kids structure.

That way you don’t feel like you’re raising wild chickens on a farm.

If you are working from home, ensure that the schedule works for you. Because your kids’ lives are no longer determined by the school schedule, you get to make your own! That’s actually a great thing.

The easiest tasks to plan out are meal times and bed times. But I’m sure you probably already have meal times in your home. Keep meal times and bedtime the same, so that the transition to normal life isn’t too hard when they have to go back to school.

Once you’ve chosen meal times and a bed time, it’s time to actually plan activities.

If your kids are school aged, chances are that they are homeschooling. Throw in a few of their school subjects (Math, ELA, Science), give them many breaks in between, and they should be good. Luckily, many schools aren’t just throwing parents in the wind. They are giving them some work and websites to play on.

If you feel confused about what your child should be doing academically, reach out to your child’s teacher for some tips. This is also a great time to reach out to other friends who are in the same boat. Remember, you are not alone. Pretty much most parents in the world are going through this with you.

Also add clean up time and chore time on your schedule. Chores help kids learn vital life skills. They also create a sense of independence and competence.

Ensure that you include a time when your child can hang out with you. This is an amazing time to secure that parent-child bond. Yes, even teenagers need time with mom and dad.

Let’s not forget that self care is incredibly important during this season. If you’re not taking care of yourself, things become increasingly frustrating. Here is a link to some healthy habits you can incorporate for yourself.

2) Include time for free play

Although schedules are great for kids- because predictable lives help kids feel safe- do not over schedule them.

Just like no adult can go 8 hours without some type of break, your kids also need to be kids.

Little ones do well when they are able to just roam around the house using their imagination. Elf course you want to secure cabinets and other areas that could present safety hazards. Encourage the kids to get off the couch and just move.

I personally love the Nintendo Wii and other gaming systems that encourage movement. Of course, there has to be a fine line. You don’t want your kids staring at a screen all day, You get to decide how much screen time is too much.

Many parents are also using Go noodle as a way to get their kids moving and shaking. And if you want to get the kids moving without using screens, put on some music so the kids can just dance. You can even join in the fun.

Younger kids can build forts (yes, I know they look a mess, but they are so enjoyable), play with Legos, draw, color or paint. Older kids can also create art, read and engage in all sorts of crafts. They don’t have to sit in front of video games all day.

You are only limited by your imagination.

3) Stay connected virtually

One of the toughest things about social distancing is that kids are disconnected from their friends. They don’t get playdates, they don’t get to run around the neighborhood, and they do not get to engage in their usual extracurricular activities.

Enter technology.

Virtual playdates can help to maintain social connections. Create blocks of time when your kids can call friends on the phone or even video chat with them.

I recently discovered a app called Marco Polo. It’s pretty cool. You get to send short video messages to your loved ones. Both you and your kids will probably enjoy this.

Although this isn’t the same as an in person connection, it’s much better than being all alone. So get creative.

4) Let the kids help you

If your kids are old enough, now is the time to get your house in tip top shape. If you already have daily or weekly chores for your kids, make sure you continue with those.

And if you don’t, now could be a good time to implement new ones.

You do not have to use the word ‘Chore.’ You can say ‘Responsibilities,’ or ‘Tasks.’ Truth is every human has to have chores.

If you’re an entrepreneur, your business is an endless list of chores. If you’re a parent, keeping your kids alive is a series of chores. If you are an employee, keeping your job is an endless list of chores. Starting them young only prepares them for the future.

Chores are simply life skills that help your kids become healthy, successful adults.

Embed the chores into your daily schedule. You could have them make their beds each morning, put away their dishes, fold laundry or put their toys away.

Here is a blog post that details a bunch of age appropriate chores for kids.

Start with 1 or 2 chores, then build up from there. Your kids will thank you when they become competent adults!

5) Help your kids understand the new normal

This is a stressful and uncertain time for a lot of people. And of course, as a parent, you don’t have all the answers.

Explain the situation as best you can. Little ones definitely have no idea what a virus is, so maybe help them understand that we have to stay in our bubble for a little while.

For older kids, you could explain what a virus is, and let them know why we are actually practicing social distancing.

There is no need to go over numbers, charts and all the gritty details with them. Let them be kids. But reframe this situation as our new normal. Naturally, some kids will feel afraid. This is the time to validate their feelings, offer them comfort and let them know that you will be here with them.

I highly suggest keeping the news turned off so that kids aren’t terrified. Their little brains cannot possibly process what’s going on.

Because social distancing is such an unknown thing, structure will help kids feel safe and loved. But if the house feels chaotic, it could make them feel so much more uneasy.

Check in with them daily or every few days so that they can share their thoughts with you. Nothing connects a child to a parent more than love and attention.

How is social distancing affecting you and your household?

If you are feeling anxious about the current situation or struggling with insomnia, I’m here to help. I’m a therapist in Murrieta who offers therapy for anxiety, insomnia, as well as marriage counseling in the Temecula-Murrieta area. Due to social distancing guidelines, I am now seeing clients online. Click here if you’d like to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation so that you can finally shake your anxiety.

5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear

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What you don't know about insurance and therapy

Perhaps you have done your research, and you’re ready to begin therapy. There are lots of decisions to make: What therapist to choose, when to begin therapy, what questions to ask the therapist, what to focus on in therapy and whether or not to use your insurance. It’s a tough call. But before you make the decision, let’s talk a bit about the insurance piece.

Here are 6 things you should know before you make the decision about whether or not to use your health insurance when you go to therapy. Of course for many, it’s a no brainer. After all, why would you want to pay for health insurance each month and opt not to use it when you’re seeking therapy services?

Now, before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not for or against insurance. It’s important that you make an informed decision and that you do what is right for your specific situation.

Okay, here it goes:

1) Your insurance doesn’t always pay your therapist’s full fee

Typically, when you go to a therapist’s website in the Murrieta/Temecula area, you might see a tab on the site that says “Insurance and fees” or “Rates.” It’s important to note that many insurance companies do not actually pay your therapist their full fee. Some reimburse very poorly, and others are more generous. Sometimes you’ll have to pay a co-pay in order to see your therapist. Other times you’ll be responsible for the difference. So for example, if your therapist, psychologist or counselor charges $100 per session, and insurance only reimburses the therapist $85, you’ll be responsible to pay the leftover bill of $15.

It’s important to call your insurance company before beginning therapy or counseling services in Murrieta/Temecula so that you are able to budget appropriately. So for example, let’s say your therapist’s full fee is $100 per session, the insurance company makes a judgment call about how much to pay the therapist. Many times it’s not based on your therapist’s educational background, training and experience. There is typically an arbitrary ‘Usual and customary rate.’ The insurance company can choose to reimburse the therapist as little as $30 for a session or if they are generous, they might pay the therapist more. They decide the therapist’s worth.

2) Your information is not always confidential

When you use your health insurance, ask the insurance company exactly what type of information will be collected from your therapist. Usually your insurance company will want to know when you came to session, what type of session you were in (couples, family or individual) and how long the session was (30 minutes, 45 minutes, 50 minutes or more).

Other insurance companies want a treatment plan (a specific written down plan of what goals you’ll be working on in session and how long it’ll take to complete the goals). Sometimes they want to know how exactly the therapist plans to help you reach your goal.

Still, some other insurance companies ask for more specific information about your sessions. Some might at some point ask to see the therapist’s notes or perhaps their initial assessment note. To protect your privacy, ensure that you have a good understanding of the information that is passed between the therapist and the insurance company, so that only what you’re comfortable with gets shared.

3) Your insurance company typically requires a diagnosis

Most insurance companies require a mental health diagnosis before they can pay for your sessions. This means your therapist has to diagnose you with a mental health condition in order for the services to be paid for. As a consumer of services you can ask your therapist, psychologist or counselor what he or she has diagnosed you with. Sometimes your diagnosis changes as you work longer with your therapist. These are all discussions that you can have with your therapist.

Some insurance companies will only pay for ‘Mild’ diagnoses, while others only pay for ‘Moderate to severe’ diagnoses. This mental health diagnosis becomes a part of your permanent record, so it’s important that you remain informed about this so that it doesn't affect you in the future.

Some people choose not to go the insurance route because they do not want to have a diagnosis on their record because of the nature of the work they do or because of work they might do in the future. Others choose not to have a diagnosis for other personal reasons. Neither is wrong or right. You pick which works for you.

4) They determine the type and number of sessions

Your insurance company usually decides how many sessions you need, the types of sessions you can utilize, as well as how long these sessions are. For example. they can decide that you only get 6 45-minute sessions. Now some insurance companies are flexible and if the therapist is able to put in a good justification for additional services, they’ll cover it. And with other insurance companies, you simply get what you get.

Some insurance companies are very generous and they’ll pay for 6 months, 1 year or even many years worth of therapy. The struggle with this is that the insurance company often has the power over what your treatment could look like. It’s important to be informed about how many sessions you can have so that your mental health care isn’t abruptly cut short.

5) Your therapist’s job doesn't stop after your session is over

When you use your insurance to cover therapy sessions, typically your therapist is spending time on the phone with your insurance company, sometimes going back and forth with them. Sometimes faxes are sent back and forth and additional paperwork has to be sent. So when you go into session, your therapist most definitely spends much more time than the 30 to 60 minutes you spend sitting in their office. However, insurance companies only pay therapists for the face to face time they spend with you.

6) Insurance doesn’t always pay for tele therapy or couples therapy

As life gets busy, some people prefer online therapy. And if you live in the Temecula area, you know that traffic gets a lot heavier at certain times of the morning and evening. To prevent sitting in traffic, many people prefer online therapy or counseling. As a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, my license allows me to see clients all over California. So you can sit in your home in Orange County or Los Angeles, log in to my online portal from your phone, tablet or laptop and participate in therapy from the comfort of your home or office. Some people even sit in their parked car and log into their counseling session.

Well, it’s important to first check with your insurance company. More and more insurance panels understand the benefits of online or distance therapy- especially in large cities in California. But some have still not moved with the times. Some will only cover phone sessions, while others only cover sessions when you drive to the therapist’s office.

Another type of therapy that is often not covered by insurance is couples or marriage counseling. Although the divorce rates are sky rocketing each day and more and more couples are open to speaking to a therapist to improve their relationship, not all insurance companies are willing to cover couples therapy. It’ll be important to check with your insurance company to see if they will be willing to help you out with the cost of therapy.

Are there any of the above points that took you by surprise? Comment below.

And if you’re ready to get rid of your anxiety or insomnia or begin marriage counseling in Murrieta, click here for your free 15-minute consultation call. I also provide therapy services online for people who live throughout California.

5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear

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How to deal with your difficult family this Christmas

Christmas time is here! Merry Christmas to all you folks out there in Murrieta, Temecula and the entire Inland Empire. I hope today will bring you lots of happiness, and all the warm and fuzzy feelings.

But for some people, Christmas time is not so warm and fuzzy. Christmas time brings painful memories of family woes. No matter what type of family you were raised in, understand that it is possible to still have a happy, healthy life-there are just a few boundaries you can set.

Here are some ways you can begin to manage a difficult family:

1) Decide what you want: If you have a toxic family, you'll know it. They leave your self esteem lower than ever, you don't want to open up to them about personal areas of your life, they're judgmental, your heart races every time you go to visit them, you hold back tears when you're in their presence, and you breathe a sigh of relief when the festivities are over. If you nodded your head to the above statements, chances are your family is either really difficult or toxic.

If majority of your holidays end in disappointment, you must decide if it's worth it to sacrifice your precious days off to be with your family. Perhaps you'd do better if you spend the holidays alone or with people who actually fill you with joy. Although it's a tough decision to make, decide what you want and stick to your decision. This is important for those days when you're feeling guilty for not spending all your time with them.

2) Challenge the overt or covert messages they've sent you: Many people who are in a dysfunctional family, have no clue how much their family has harmed them emotionally. Spend some time thinking about some of the negative things your family members have said and done. Once you've thought them out, write out about 5 of them. Next to each one, write out how that event has made you feel about yourself. For example, if every time you see your dad, he talks about how much weight you've gained, your dad's statements might have made you think to yourself, "I'm fat."

Now remember, because your family members say something doesn't mean it's true. If your dad talks about your weight all the time, you do not have to change the way you look just to suit him. If the message you've been telling yourself is "I'm fat," come up with another, more realistic message to counter it. Such as "I am beautiful just the way I am" or "I love the way my body looks." It'll take a while for your brain to catch up with your heart, but say these more realistic statements over and over again.

3) Create some space: Many of us were raised with the idea that every holiday must be spent with family. But what happens if your family holidays are perpetually sad or filled with arguments? Then it might be time to find someone new to spend the holiday with. A few weeks before the holidays, let your family know that you'll be going elsewhere to celebrate. Yes they might yell, they might be offended and they might clutch their pearls, but if you do this every year, they'll eventually get the message and get used to your new plan. You cannot please everyone.

You can also create space by limiting communication with them. Avoid contentious topics, reduce the number of calls you make to them, and just try to keep the conversation civil and light. The goal is to keep your mental space stress free and as positive as possible.

Another way to do it is to do a drive by Christmas with your family, and then spend a longer period of time with someone who brings you joy. So you could choose to spend an hour with your family, and then spend the rest of the day with more cheerful, positive people. That way you only have to take your family in small doses and your entire holiday isn't ruined.

4) Remind yourself why you're doing all this: When you start to create some space, the backlash will begin. Remind yourself why you have to do it. If you remain in the toxic environment, it WILL drag you down. But if you hold on to your boundaries, work on your mindset and surround yourself with positive people, your Christmas will go off without the usual frustration and tears.

And if you want to learn about how your friends could be increasing your anxiety, click here to read more.

Ready to learn how to maneuver a difficult or even toxic family? I love to help women and engaged couples in Murrieta figure out how to create lives that are anxiety free. Click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation. You could also call me at 951-905-3181.