What is online therapy really like?

Technology can be a beautiful thing. Especially while the pandemic was in full swing. Can you imagine how horrific our lives would be if we couldn’t FaceTime our loved ones or hear their voices over the phone?

Or if the kids had to be completely out of school due to a lack of technology? But teachers everywhere were able to breathe a sigh of relief because Zoom and Google Meet kept them connected to their students.

And I am certainly happy to be a therapist in this day and age. Because it means that my clients can still continue to work on their anxiety and insomnia.

Did you know that many therapists provide online counseling? Actually I can legally provide online therapy to clients throughout California. So that way, I can keep helping you reduce anxiety, finally get rid of insomnia and work through your marital problems in marriage counseling- without leaving the comfort of your home.

Before we talk about whaat online therapy is like, let’s first talk about what you need before starting online counseling.

Tools you need to begin online therapy counseling in California.

First of all, let’s talk about what you need in order to be ready for online therapy.

1) A quiet location: I highly suggest that you are alone and distraction free when you meet with your therapist online. Shut down other devices, put head phones on if you need to and utilize this time as you normally would if you were at your therapist’s office.

2) A strong internet connection: Online therapy works best if you have a strong internet connection. That way you can see and hear your therapist clearly, and your session isn’t interrupted.

3) A device that can connect to the internet: This goes without saying. You’ll need a phone, tablet, laptop or desktop that is connected to the internet.

4) Something to prop up your device: If you’re using a tablet or a phone, I highly suggest that you prop up your device to keep it still. This will save your arm during your session and also keep the video still so that your therapist doesn’t have to stare at shaky video for almost an hour.

What is online therapy like?

Online therapy is quite similar to in person therapy. The major difference is that you are not able to come into my counseling office in Murrieta. It feels similar to a Skype or FaceTime call. You can see and hear me through your computer or phone. And I can also see and hear you.

However, I do not use Skype or FaceTime. I prefer to use Doxy.me, which is a secure online platform created specifically for health providers.

Your online security and confidentiality are important to me.

The process I use for online therapy is also very easy. You can connect with me in 3 simple steps:

1) Step 1: You type or click my confidential Doxy link. I use the same link every time.

2) Step 2: Enter your name so that I know it’s you.

3) Step 3: Wait until I add you and we begin our session.

It’s truly that easy.

During our online therapy session you can talk like you normally would, I sound the same as I always do. I use the same tools and skills that I do in person.

Some people think that online therapy is a watered down version of in person therapy. But that’s not true. You gain just as much from online therapy as you would if you saw me in person.

The only difference is that you don’t get to soak in the ambience of my Murrieta counseling office. I sometimes tell clients to get a glass of water, put on sounds of nature and also diffuse their favorite oils during an online session. This way your therapy hour becomes a wholistic experience.

Some times people ask if online therapy is just as effective as in person therapy. I certainly think so, as I use the same skills and knowledge online and I would in person. let’s put it like this. With online therapy, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to, you can work on yourself from the comfort of your home or office. No need to navigate through traffic or spend extra time getting ready.

Some people absolutely love the convenience of online sessions, while others prefer in person sessions. I typically use my professional judgement to only see clients whom I believe online sessions will benefit. If I don’t think you’ll be a great candidate for online therapy or counseling, then I will definitely let you know.

If you are ready to finally get rid of anxiety, insomnia or regain the friendship you once had in your marriage through marriage counseling or couples therapy, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women of color and couples break generational cycles and find friendship again.

Blog updated October 3, 2022.

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Is your family toxic?

You hear about it all the time: “He’s toxic” or “She’s toxic.” But did you know that your own family members might actually be toxic and they can be causing you deep emotional pain? Well, here are 5 possible traits that could hint that your family members are toxic:

They keep Secrets and tell lots of lies

I always say that secrets and lies breed shame and trauma. If your family members typically keep things hush hush, they could inadvertently be creating a toxic environment for you and everyone else. Now does that mean that your family should always air their dirty laundry in public? Well, no. But what I mean by secrets and lies is that toxic families often hide wrongs. So for example, if a family members reports that he or she was disrespected or hurt in some way by another family member, rather than do the right thing and bring the offending family member to justice, the reporting family member will usually be punished for coming forward. Toxic family members often avoid important discussions and sacrifice the victim- so to speak.

Many families cover up things like abuse by shaming the victim or even making the victim of such abuse feel as if he or she is lying. Sometimes they’ll create alternative realities and make it seem as if a situation never happened. In this situation, the perpetrator of such abuse is protected- allowing him or her to continue to inflict harm on other family members. Sometimes families even hide things like illnesses because they believe it will bring shame upon the family. What this does is that it doesn't allow for the family to come together to help a struggling family member.

They do not validate your feelings

Toxic family members are pretty good at invalidating you. When you’re experiencing anger, sadness, happiness or frustration, they have a way of making you feel as if your feelings are not valid. Sometimes they even go as far as to telling you that you are not supposed to feel this way. In a healthy family dynamic, all of your emotions should be accepted and tolerated- even if your family members don’t understand why you feel that way.

For example, if something difficult is happening and you happen to be sad about it, the supportive thing to do is to allow you to have your feelings and talk to you about how you want to be supported. But in a toxic family dynamic, some emotions are not accepted, which leads to isolation, shame and sadness.

They are controlling

In toxic families, there are usually a few powerful people who like to control what everybody else should say do, think and sometimes, even wear. People in the family do not feel free and totally accepted, because there’s always going to be someone around the corner telling them what to do and how to act. It often feels like they are always being watched or judged. Being in a toxic family dynamic could feel isolating because sometimes family members appear close and united from the outside looking in, but for those who are actually in the family, there is truly no real closeness going on.

Typically there is lots of gossip (a form of bonding in many toxic families), shaming others and trying to force other family members to maintain the facade that maintains the family’s reputation. Individual family members often feel judged and suffocated because sometimes, everyone is involved in everyone else’s business.

Double standards

Toxic families often have scapegoats and golden children. There is always one person who can do no wrong (the golden child), and another person who bears the brunt of everyone’s anger and disappointment (the scapegoat). Grudges could be held for years, and it often feels like your sins are always being tallied or used as ammunition against you. One family member could be allowed to comport himself in one way, but if another person does the exact same thing, it is frowned upon. This could be very difficult, as the rules are always shifting as the days go by. This creates a sense of instability among individual family members. This is why toxic families often have lots of quarrels and fights. Eventually 1 person rebels and decides to break free from this difficult dynamic.

Undue jealousy and competition

Because of the double standards, everyone is competing to become the favorite. Although the family looks united to everyone else, everyone is vying to become the golden child. Sometimes there is even sabotage among family members so that they can save face or look better. Because toxic families often do not have room to love everyone equally, family members have to claw their way to the top spot. And even when they find themselves at the top spot, they have to continue to fight so that they do not lose it.

Rather than working together as a team and ensuring that everyone wins, there is a desire to look better and ‘one up’ one another, so there is fierce competition. This is where put downs, shaming and jealousy come in, They often feel better about themselves if they make other family members look bad. It’s difficult to find true connection, because everyone knows that they could be trend against at any time.

There are many more characteristics of toxic families that I did not talk about in this blog post. But typically, family members feel a sense of anxiety and sometimes even despair. In another blog post, I’ll address some ways to break free from this toxic family dynamic so that you don’t continue the cycle in the next generation.

If you are struggling to break free from a toxic family and you want to work on the anxiety or depression that your family upbringing has caused you, you can click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation. You can also call 951-905-3181. Although your family of origin might be toxic, you get to make the change and ensure that your kids, friends and loved ones are not victims of the same toxicity you were raised in. I provide therapy and counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area as well as online throughout California.

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