Why married moms are so exhausted (And how husbands can better support them)

One of the biggest struggles I see in my Houston couples counseling practice, is that women feel overworked and overburdened. If your wife consistently has been feeling overwhelmed, here are some ways you can better support her. It’s not just great for her, it’ll boost your marriage relationship.

Here are some reasons why married moms feel disconnected from their spouses.

1) Moms are carrying too much of the mental load

Even among couples who divide the domestic work, moms typically are responsible for way too much. Even though both the husband and the wife might cook, clean, grocery shop and pick kids up from school, working married moms still have significantly more to think about. This increase in mental load could create resentment and exhaustion.

News flash! Exhaustion is NOT sexy in your marriage.

What exactly do I mean by ‘carrying too much of the mental load?’ Let’s take the kids’ education for example. Even though I see lots of dads in the pickup line at school (which is great), in addition to school pickup, moms are usually responsible for:

• Doing research on the best schools for your kids to attend

• Actually filling out the paperwork so your kids can attend school

• Ordering uniforms, school clothes and supplies

• Ensuring the kids are fed in the morning before school and that they are on time for school

• Helping kids with homework and projects

• Doing research about extracurricular activities

• Signing the kids up for these activities

• Following up with teachers and coaches about their kids’ performance, and the list goes on and on.

  So while dads are picking and dropping kids off, moms are responsible for at least 9 more activities. And that is in just 1 area of life alone.

  If mom is working outside of the home, she has to do this in addition to her job. Might I also add that mom is usually the go to contact in school? So teachers will email or text moms before even thinking about reaching out to dad.

After dealing with stuff like this, women will feel quite under appreciated and exhausted. Can you imagine how this can negatively impact your marriage?

How to support her:

In my Houston marriage counseling practice, I encourage couples to have regular conversations about the division of labor in the household. Although it might seem like things are fair, moms are carrying much more emotional labor than they need to. Dads should make it clear to the school that they are a valuable point of contact regarding kids’ behavior and ongoing school activities.

This conversation should also be had regarding other areas in the household such as domestic chores, healthcare, managing money, etc.

2) some husbands are not checking in on their wives enough

Moms are typically the backbone of the household. The kids go to her for everything- even when dad is sitting right next to the kids. While this can seem so lovely and it’s definitely a blessing, it’s overwhelming for many moms.

While some dads might think moms are just naturally better at this kind of stuff, it’s just a myth. Moms only become ‘better at kid stuff’ because they are often the default. As moms listen to and problem solve with the kids all day, it sends the message that mom is the go to for anything child-related or domestic.

And as mom is taking care of these activities, she often feels alone. She has to juggle her career, attending to the needs of the kids, focusing in the other relationships in her life and trying to be a great wife.

Often times women will check in with their husbands during the day to ensure that they have everything they need to be successful. But who checks up on women? It is sometimes assumed that because moms are able to juggle so many tasks, they don’t need emotional and physical support.

How to support her:

When kids are sitting right next to you, but they ask mom for help, redirect them back to you. It’s important that dads are established as a valid resource in the household. You don’t have to wait until you get to couples cousneling to do this (although marriage counseling is a great place to have this conversation too). Remember that moms aren’t intrinsically better at domestic duritess or child rearing activities. Moms only become good at these activities because they have a lot of practice in this area.

If dads intentionally engage within the household, they too will become so much better and more capable. It’s a win win because mom will have some stress off her back, and dads relationship with the kids will improve.

3) moms don’t get much of a break

Moms often do not get much of a break. After spending all day at work, they have to come back home to kids who need their attention, a pile of laundry, they have to figure out what’s for dinner, and they still have to meet the emotional needs of their husband and kids.

By the end of the night, they are emotionally drained and completely overwhelmed. This does not leave a lot of mental space for them to chase their own dreams, put their feet up or just feel calm. This also takes a toll on their marriage too because by the time the day is over, they don’t have anything else to give.

How to support her:

Normalize having regular check ins with your wife. Never assume that the status quo is working well for her. Periodically, ask her how’s she’s feeling, what she needs and how you can best support her. Make this a two way conversation so she knows how you would like support too. When she knows that you see her and validate her feelings, she’ll trust you more and feel closer to you.

4)You stopped dating her when you said “I do.”

Marriage is a continuous dance. You have to keep dating and getting to know each other for the rest of your lives. Typically, both parties spend a lot of time together during the dating phase and a bit into the first year of marriage, but once the kids come, the marriage usually takes the backseat to domestic responsibilities.

Date night goes out of the window, you stop telling her how pretty she is, words of affirmation are nonexistent, and before you know it, you’re trapped in a roommate/coworker situation.

How to support her:

Intentionally plan date nights and outings. Marriage is a continued process of change and excitement. Don’t be boring. Embrace adventure and novelty in your marriage. Find new places to visit together, watch new shows together, try to find new interests and invite excitement into your marriage. Many moms feel like being a mom is their only identity. They feel a sense of loss of self and they struggle to find who they are again.

And even if you’r not able to go on adventures together, plan quality time within your home or around your neighborhood.

If you are ready to learn how to finally support each in your marriage, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Houston is right for you. You can actually have a blissful marriage. It doesn't have to be so hard.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help married couples in Houston learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps and find out more about marriage counseling in Houston, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation call.