COVID-19 and your marriage: How to navigate working from home with your spouse

Working from home can be a challenge if you have never done it before. Working from home is a double challenge when you and your spouse are doing it together.

But the great thing is that if you are intentional about it, it could work great for the both of you. Here are 5 simple tips to help you and your spouse survive working from home together.

1) Have a plan for the day

If you and your spouse are to have a peaceful home while working at home simultaneously, it’s important to plan out your day in a way that will work well for the entire family. If you have school aged kids, chances are you are now homeschool parents. Have a conversation about how to split the kids’ work. Sync your schedules so that each of you knows who is in charge of which tasks around the home. If you want to be really organized, you can actually create a Trello board or a written out plan of what your schedules should be.

Talk about who is in charge of meals, cleaning, when both of you will be taking breaks, where each of you will be working within the house, and of course, who will be helping the kids out with their school work. Without an actual plan, I can assure you that the transition to working from home will be quite chaotic. Split up chores so that the house still remains organized while you are working.

I highly suggest trying to have meal times together if possible. The beauty of having the family home is that you all get to really bond and enjoy one another. It’s such a luxury in this fast paced society.

2) Check on your spouse during the workday

If you and your spouse are working from different areas of the home, check up on him or her during the work day. You can send a text or even just pop your head in to say “Hello.” It might sound corny or weird, but everyone likes to be checked on. It shows a whole lot of care and it helps you both strengthen your friendship.

3) Respect each other’s work boundaries

If you and your spouse do not usually work together, working from home could be a challenge. Talk about each other’s ideal work space. Some people like an immaculate and organized space, while others can thrive in an office that looks like it has been hit like a hurricane.

If you are not so organized, but your partner thrives in a tidy environment, respect that. Perhaps you could work together to create a welcoming home office environment so that both of you feel comfortable.

If you thrive with loud music and your spouse likes to work in silence, simply pop in some head phones. Although both of you might be different in the way that you work, you both have a common goal- to get some work done.

Remember that although you both might be home all day, you should remember that both of you have to be productive.

4) Give your spouse some space

Working from home together does not mean that you both have to be around each other 24/7. If one of you is highly sensitive or introverted, chances are you value alone time. Explain that to your spouse in a kind, loving way. If you both share a home office, and you happen to need some space from your spouse and kids, you can take breaks alone so you can recharge and unwind.

During these breaks you can stretch, go for a walk, watch something funny, read a book, workout or even do chores around the house. Some couples do not do well when they have been together all day long. If you and your partner are that couple, prevent arguments and irritation by simply ensuring that both of you get the alone time that you need.

5) End the day together

And when the day is over and the kids are in bed, it’s time to debrief. Talk about what you loved about the day and what did not go so well. But be careful not to be too nit picky so that it doesn't turn into a full blown argument.

Use this time as a bonding moment. You can pray together, listen to a podcast together, sit on the couch together or just be together in silence if you want.

Although there is a crisis going on in the outside world, there is no reason why there should be a crisis within your home as well. Turn to each other, cover each other in love. Make it your mission to make your marriage a lot stronger when this whole thing is over.

If you and your spouse are looking to really strengthen your friendship with one another, I offer marriage counseling in the Temecula/Murrieta area. Due to social distancing guidelines, I am now providing couples counseling online to California residents. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Murrieta is right for your marriage.

How to not ruin your marriage during COVID-19

Before I begin, let’s just get this clear. COVID-19 is a really serious virus. Please follow all the instructions and pay attention to the guidelines that the medical community has outlined for us. I know this new social distancing lifestyle is tough. But if we all play our part, we will all make it through.

Now on to the post.

Marriage is already a challenge. But how on earth do you survive when you, your spouse, and everyone who lives with you (kids, in-laws, and other family members) have to be in the same space 24/7?

Never fear. It’s actually possible to improve your marriage during this pandemic by doing 5 simple things.

1) Check your mindset

Rather than viewing COVID-19 and social distancing as the end of your marriage as we know it, view it as an opportunity to rebuild. Remember when you first met your spouse? You had wonderful butterflies in your stomach, you had a tingle in your chest when you’d hear his voice. You thought the world revolved around him. This is your chance to get back to that place. Use this time as a real opportunity to get to know each other.

If you think of this situation as the worst possible thing, I promise you that you will be miserable until life returns to normal. But if you view it as an opportunity, your marriage will end up stronger than ever. After all, if your marriage can make it through this, you guys are ninjas! And we all know that ninjas aways win.

Instead of thinking, “I’m stuck in the house with my husband,” think this instead: “I get to be in the house with my husband and we get a second chance at our marriage.”

The way you think directly affects the way you feel, which also affects your behavior. So a great marriage starts with how you view it.

2) Actually spend time together

Although you and your spouse are probably home together all day (assuming you get to work from home), do not avoid each other like the plague.

Eat meals together, talk to one another, look at each other, compliment each other, ask each other how the day is going, reminisce about the past (only the great parts of the past) and try to get back to a happy place.

Think of this as an opportunity to re-ignite a friendship. Imagine your spouse is a friend whom you are just getting to know. Ask him questions and make life fun again.

This is also a great time to watch movies together, listen to podcasts together, workout together and just be together. You’ll be surprised how close two people can get when they actually become intentional about time spent together.

3) Create daily rituals

One common thread amongst all couples is that they are busy. The husband gets up super early, rushes out the door, then the wife rushes around the house while getting the kids ready. Many families live in the same house, but they don’t really live together.

That team spirit is lacking.

But no more. Let’s change that. You get to actually change that. So here are some new rituals I’d like you to try. If you already practice these rituals, then that’s great! Keep it up!

• When you wake up in the morning, say “Good morning” or “Hello” or “Hey” to your spouse. Don’t just roll out of bed, grunt and go about your day. Acknowledge him or her in some way.

• Before you go to bed at night, say: “Goodnight.” And try to do it with a smile on your face. It’s the little gestures that count.

• Try to do some chores around the house together. Maybe he washes the dishes while you rinse them. Or maybe you do laundry and he folds. Or you both can fold clothes together. Get creative.

• Chances are that both of you have a little extra time on your hands. So why don’t you play a game together when the kids are in bed? It doesn’t even matter what game. Just play a game. There’s Uno, Monopoly, Chess, Checkers, The Game of Life. You could solve a sudoku puzzle or a crossword puzzle together. As long as it’s done together. If you like apps, I love Gottman Card Decks. You can download it in the app store.

• After the day is over, debrief together. Talk about how social distancing is going for the both of you. Talk about how you’re feeling, and what’s going on in your inner worlds. This is how you build closeness.

4) Pick your battles wisely

Being together more than you’re used to can easily become irritating (I’m being real here). So pick your battles wisely. Rather than focusing on everything your spouse is doing wrong, focus on what he or she is doing right.

Make a plan for the day and tackle it together. Understand that your spouse is NOT going to be perfect, but this is the spouse you chose. This is the person you fell in love with.

Don’t bicker about every single thing.

And if you have to address something negative, pick the right time and the right place.

Remember debriefing from step 3 above? Perhaps you guys can address 1 or 2 issues when everyone else is in bed.

• State your piece without yelling or name calling.

• Give your spouse a chance to say his part.

• Finally, come to an understanding of how you both will do things differently in the future.

5) Work on a shared goal

This is a great time to identify and begin to work on important goals together. There has never been a better time to work on your financial goals. Maybe you can both create a budget together and figure out how to implement it.

You could also work on a project around the house. This is also a great time to declutter, paint a room, organize something, teach your kids a new skill, learn how to use software, begin a work out program, learn a new language, plan for the future, etc.

It really doesn't matter how big or how small the project is, just work on it together!

So yes, although we are living in troubled times, you and your spouse have control over the success of your marriage.

And if you need help working on shared goals, managing battles and strengthening your friendship as a couple, I offer couples counseling. Due to social distancing and COVID-19 guidelines, I am providing couples counseling services online. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so that your marriage can move back to a place of butterflies and bliss.