Letter to the invisible, strong woman

You are the one who carries your entire family on your back. You wake up before everyone else, you ensure that everything is in place for your family.

You have tons of hopes and dreams, but you often put them aside to ensure that everyone else is well taken care of. But deep inside, you are tired of being the strong woman. You are tired of having to plaster a smile on your face every day. You struggle secretly, and no one around you knows.

You feel lonely. The people around you have no clue what you’re going through because you are the designated strong woman. You are the trouble shooter and the official problem solver. You’re the go to woman who holds everyone’s emotions in your hands.

You would love to have a day set aside where you can just plop yourself on the bed and sleep all day. You’d love it if people checked up on you as well- rather than assuming that all is well with you.

So, strong woman, here’s how you can move from invisible superhero to seen and human.

Allow people to see your humanity

Because you’re so used to being the go to person, chances are your loved ones don’t notice when you’re down. Here’s where vulnerability comes in. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or upset, tell someone you trust. I say this over and over again to my therapy clients. If people aren’t used to seeing that side of you, they’ll assume that you’re always fine- thereby perpetuating the cycle that your needs should go unmet. When I work with clients in may therapy office in Murrieta, this is a big part of our work- feeling comforting with vulnerability.

Ask your loved ones for help

When you are the super competent, responsible person, everyone around you assumes that you can handle everything. Know your limits and be willing to ask others to help you. This is another big part of my therapy or counseling process. This prevents burn out and the endless feeling of disappointment that comes when no one offers to help you out.

Asking for help could seem very difficult- after all you’re used to handling it all on your own. But its time, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief when you learn to delegate or outsource.

Start saying “No.”

It’s important to accept that you are not superwoman. And that’s not a bad thing. Although you are the go to person and you’re also very competent, please know that rest is just as productive as work. Sometimes you have to say “No” to others when they are asking for your assistance- so that you can invest more time in rest.

The truth is that when you are the super responsible person, people who could be competent, begin to slack off because they know you will take care of things for them. But when you begin a new pattern of encouraging others to take care of responsibilities themselves, you actually will have more time to focus on tasks that are important to you.

Talk to a therapist or counselor

Assertiveness practice is such a key part of my counseling practice in Murrieta. If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of invisibility and in the superwoman role, maybe it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. As a Black or African American therapist in Murrieta, CA, I help women who identify as the responsible ones, learn how to communicate their needs, get their needs met and also be seen as human and fallible.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can finally be seen and heard.

A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)

If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.

Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.

There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.

But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.

It starts with self-validation

In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.

For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.

Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.

Take stock of those you surround yourself with

On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?

Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.

Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.

Do a little social media/friend purge:

The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?

Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.

Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.

Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.

Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.

The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!

As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.

If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.

What is online therapy really like?

Technology can be a beautiful thing. Especially while the pandemic was in full swing. Can you imagine how horrific our lives would be if we couldn’t FaceTime our loved ones or hear their voices over the phone?

Or if the kids had to be completely out of school due to a lack of technology? But teachers everywhere were able to breathe a sigh of relief because Zoom and Google Meet kept them connected to their students.

And I am certainly happy to be a therapist in this day and age. Because it means that my clients can still continue to work on their anxiety and insomnia.

Did you know that many therapists provide online counseling? Actually I can legally provide online therapy to clients throughout California. So that way, I can keep helping you reduce anxiety, finally get rid of insomnia and work through your marital problems in marriage counseling- without leaving the comfort of your home.

Before we talk about whaat online therapy is like, let’s first talk about what you need before starting online counseling.

Tools you need to begin online therapy counseling in California.

First of all, let’s talk about what you need in order to be ready for online therapy.

1) A quiet location: I highly suggest that you are alone and distraction free when you meet with your therapist online. Shut down other devices, put head phones on if you need to and utilize this time as you normally would if you were at your therapist’s office.

2) A strong internet connection: Online therapy works best if you have a strong internet connection. That way you can see and hear your therapist clearly, and your session isn’t interrupted.

3) A device that can connect to the internet: This goes without saying. You’ll need a phone, tablet, laptop or desktop that is connected to the internet.

4) Something to prop up your device: If you’re using a tablet or a phone, I highly suggest that you prop up your device to keep it still. This will save your arm during your session and also keep the video still so that your therapist doesn’t have to stare at shaky video for almost an hour.

What is online therapy like?

Online therapy is quite similar to in person therapy. The major difference is that you are not able to come into my counseling office in Murrieta. It feels similar to a Skype or FaceTime call. You can see and hear me through your computer or phone. And I can also see and hear you.

However, I do not use Skype or FaceTime. I prefer to use Doxy.me, which is a secure online platform created specifically for health providers.

Your online security and confidentiality are important to me.

The process I use for online therapy is also very easy. You can connect with me in 3 simple steps:

1) Step 1: You type or click my confidential Doxy link. I use the same link every time.

2) Step 2: Enter your name so that I know it’s you.

3) Step 3: Wait until I add you and we begin our session.

It’s truly that easy.

During our online therapy session you can talk like you normally would, I sound the same as I always do. I use the same tools and skills that I do in person.

Some people think that online therapy is a watered down version of in person therapy. But that’s not true. You gain just as much from online therapy as you would if you saw me in person.

The only difference is that you don’t get to soak in the ambience of my Murrieta counseling office. I sometimes tell clients to get a glass of water, put on sounds of nature and also diffuse their favorite oils during an online session. This way your therapy hour becomes a wholistic experience.

Some times people ask if online therapy is just as effective as in person therapy. I certainly think so, as I use the same skills and knowledge online and I would in person. let’s put it like this. With online therapy, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to, you can work on yourself from the comfort of your home or office. No need to navigate through traffic or spend extra time getting ready.

Some people absolutely love the convenience of online sessions, while others prefer in person sessions. I typically use my professional judgement to only see clients whom I believe online sessions will benefit. If I don’t think you’ll be a great candidate for online therapy or counseling, then I will definitely let you know.

If you are ready to finally get rid of anxiety, insomnia or regain the friendship you once had in your marriage through marriage counseling or couples therapy, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women of color and couples break generational cycles and find friendship again.

Blog updated October 3, 2022.

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Can a therapist in Murrieta, CA help you?

You've felt lost and confused for years. Even though you put on a brave face for the people around you, your life feels miserable. You've lost your voice and you're not sure how to find it again. You pour all the energy you have into your family, but at the end of the night, you feel like you're left with nothing.

A therapist in Murrieta or Counselor in Temecula can help.

The first step is to find a therapist you trust. Finding a therapist is very much like learning to ride a bike. Finding a new therapist can be scary- whether they are a therapist in Temecula, a therapist in San Diego, a therapist in Riverside, or it’s counseling in Los Angeles.

Don't be afraid to ask the therapist a million questions. "Do you take my insurance?" "How many years have you practiced for?" "What's your specialty?" "Tell me how you work." "What's your cancellation policy?""Can you help me with my goal?" "How long will our sessions be?" Read my blog post on what to ask a therapist on a consultation call.

A therapist will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings and get you to your goal. I always encourage people - when they see me for counseling in Murrieta-to have a specific goal when they start therapy. This goal will ensure that both you and the therapist are clear on what exactly you're trying to accomplish. That way you can decide if you are on the right track and you can measure your progress.

Therapy can be uncomfortable as you might end up remembering painful memories or uncomfortable feelings, however, your feelings are safe with a psychotherapist (a fancy name for mental health therapist). Sometimes it takes some discomfort to get you to your desired place. Also realize that during your first few sessions, you're only trying to see if you're a good fit with this therapist. Don't be afraid to let the therapist know if something isn't working for you-openness leads to great results. Also don't feel bad if you don't click with the therapist. Keep searching until you find your person. 

If you are seeking a counselor in California, I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, who offers virtual therapy for women of color with anxiety or insomnia, and marriage counseling for those in Murrieta, CA and throughout California, click here for a free 15-minute consultation call.