Finding understanding with difficult family members and loved ones

Being the odd one out within a family can be hard.

You try your best to blend in, but it always feels like a punch in the gut when you are reminded that you are different. You keep your opinions to yourself, but once in a while, your true self comes peeking through.

Unfortunately, your true self isn’t celebrated.

You feel like you are being pigeon holed. But you know that you don’t belong in a box. You want to be yourself and express yourself in your own unique way. Here are 4 ways to possibly find understanding from difficult family members.

1) Get realistic about what type of relationship you can have with family members

When you are the different one within your family, finding acceptance could feel like a losing game. You try really hard, but they still reject or misunderstand you. Take a moment to ask yourself what you want from that relationship. Are your wants actually realistic or would your entire family have to change who they are in order for you to get what you want?

Let go of the idea that you will be fully embraced by everyone. Chances are your entire family probably won’t change at once, so maybe you can change what you expect from them.

Your family and loved ones don’t have to share the same interests and hobbies as you. It’s even possible that they don’t completely understand you.

Accept that and move forward. Find commonalities if you can.

2) Stop arguing with family members

When you seek acceptance from others, sometimes you can get sucked into the trap of arguing back and forth with them. Sometimes we try to force others to understand our point of view.

It does you no good to try to force people to understand you.

As long as you understand your own values and your worth, it no longer will be so important for others to truly embrace your values.

Avoid hot button topics that trigger the unwelcome opinions of your family and loved ones. Stick to neutral topics, and that way your visits with them will be so much more pleasant.

In my therapy practice in Murrieta, CA, I teach my clients how to respond assertively, while navigating difficult family dynamics.

3) Validate yourself

No matter how strong or opinionated you are, it is definitely painful to not be accepted by the ones you love. Take some time to grieve the relationships that were lost and the strained relationships. Find people who see you and get you. Sometimes your friends can feel so much more comforting than your own family members.

Not all family has to be related to you by blood. Sometimes friends become like family.

Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by the opinions of others. Even if you are the odd one in the family, you are still deserving of love and acceptance.

Remind yourself of that when times get hard. If you struggle with this, counseling in Temecula can help.

4) Create healthy boundaries

Keeping healthy boundaries is the best way to survive a difficult or toxic family dynamic. The positive part is that you decide what boundaries to set.

If you are in the presence of a very contentious family member, keep conversations short, polite and to the point.

You also do not have to pick up every single phone call or respond to text messages immediately. When a text comes in, take a moment and think through it before responding.

Focus on 2 or 3 conversation topics and don’t accept the invite to debate on hot button topics. Know what occasions and family gatherings to skip.

If you do decide to attend family gatherings, know that you have the option of a short visit. Don’t punish yourself by showing up early and leaving late.

Although you don’t get to choose your family, you can decide how to maneuver your relationships so that you’re not feeling dreadful every time you interact with them.

If you are a woman in the Murrieta/Temecula area who is feeling tired and hurt by the rejection from a toxic family, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call, so you can learn how to manage anxiety, speak up for yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women find their voice, manage difficult relationships and learn how to show up authentically.

As a counselor in California, I see clients throughout California through my HIPAA compliant online office.

Is your family toxic?

Our behavior and the way we show up in the world, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shaped us further into who we are.

But some people grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into them the way that they should.

When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.

I call the latter, “Toxic Families.” I am aware that the word ‘toxic’ does sound incredibly harsh, but I define toxicity as a pattern of behavior that feels emotionally damaging. I don’t use the word ‘toxic’ for run of the mill family arguments or simple disagreements. The word is reserved for an ongoing damaging pattern of behavior within families.

Please note that going around and calling people toxic will probably lead to lots of arguments and animosity. I simply use the word as a framework to help you understand the effects that these people could have on you.

With that being said, here are some signs that your family might be toxic.

Unnecessary competition

Families should ideally support one another, but in a toxic dynamic, family members compete with one another all the time. There is this idea that there isn’t enough room for everyone, so members must claw their way to the top. Because of this unnecessary competition, family members often put one another down, and the focus sometimes is on achievements, rather than the value of the person.

Invalidation

In a functional dynamic, family members allow one another to have and feel all of their emotions. But in a toxic environment, family members appear to pick and choose which emotions they think are okay.

In some families, happiness is the only emotion allowed. In others, expressing anger is okay, but sadness is frowned upon. If sadness is frowned upon, then family members learn how to stuff their emotions down and pretend like they don’t feel sad. Other times, their sadness will be expressed through anger.

When a brave family member begins to discuss his or her deepest fears, worries and sadness, often times, family members will respond with “Is that why you’re crying?” or “That’s not a good reason to cry.” or “Don’t be weak.” All this does is it shuts the doors to genuine human closeness.

Playing favorites

Because of the competitive nature of toxic families, there is usually only room for 1 golden child. Children learn from a young age that 1 sibling is the favorite and that they should either compete, or learn to accept being second class citizens. This often leads to jealousy and hurt among siblings. Sometimes parents will actually tell everyone that they have a favorite child. As the kids grow up, the favorite child still remains the favorite, while the other siblings harbor silent resentment or bitterness.

Lots of criticism and arguing

Family members typically enjoy criticizing one another because of the competition and lack of emotional depth between them. If you are not allowed to display deep emotions, your only choice becomes keeping things superficial. And superficial conversations typically revolve around things like money, clothing, the weather, TV shows and one’s looks. Because competition is so strong in these families, criticism becomes a way of life. They have to criticize one another so that 1 of them can successfully claw his/her way to the top.

Arguing also becomes a way of life because family members have never been taught how to listen and validate one another. When you can’t validate the experiences of others, you tend to argue in a bid to break them down or get them to think like you.

Secrets

Secrets tend to run rampant in these families.  Because they are not allowed to really be vulnerable with one another, things are hidden. The problem with this is that if something really bad (like abuse) happens, it’ll get swept under the rug. The issue with secrets is that they simply perpetuate the problem. The best way to break these cycles is to discuss them and work through them. In many toxic situations, when someone discusses a difficult topic, the other family members either invalidate them or bully them into silence.

People pleasing

Because everyone wants to be the golden child, family members often try to people please. There's little room for independent thoughts and group think is the norm. If you don’t think or agree with the others, you can be criticized or sometimes, even ostracized. And since no one wants to suffer these consequences, it’s a lot easier to just conform.

These are some of the dynamics that occur in toxic families. The great thing is you do not have to perpetuate the same patterns you were raised in. Once you have an awareness about toxicity, make it a point to do things differently.

• Validate people’s emotions.

• Create a loving environment for your family.

• Treat people equally.

• Work through some of the issues in therapy.

If you realize that you have been raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to finally let go of people pleasing, anxiety and find your voice, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. I’m a Black counselor in California who offers online therapy in California for women and couples.

You can break the cycle.

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What you don't know about insurance and therapy

Perhaps you have done your research, and you’re ready to begin therapy. There are lots of decisions to make: What therapist to choose, when to begin therapy, what questions to ask the therapist, what to focus on in therapy and whether or not to use your insurance. It’s a tough call. But before you make the decision, let’s talk a bit about the insurance piece.

Here are 6 things you should know before you make the decision about whether or not to use your health insurance when you go to therapy. Of course for many, it’s a no brainer. After all, why would you want to pay for health insurance each month and opt not to use it when you’re seeking therapy services?

Now, before I begin, let me make it clear that I am not for or against insurance. It’s important that you make an informed decision and that you do what is right for your specific situation.

Okay, here it goes:

1) Your insurance doesn’t always pay your therapist’s full fee

Typically, when you go to a therapist’s website in the Murrieta/Temecula area, you might see a tab on the site that says “Insurance and fees” or “Rates.” It’s important to note that many insurance companies do not actually pay your therapist their full fee. Some reimburse very poorly, and others are more generous. Sometimes you’ll have to pay a co-pay in order to see your therapist. Other times you’ll be responsible for the difference. So for example, if your therapist, psychologist or counselor charges $100 per session, and insurance only reimburses the therapist $85, you’ll be responsible to pay the leftover bill of $15.

It’s important to call your insurance company before beginning therapy or counseling services in Murrieta/Temecula so that you are able to budget appropriately. So for example, let’s say your therapist’s full fee is $100 per session, the insurance company makes a judgment call about how much to pay the therapist. Many times it’s not based on your therapist’s educational background, training and experience. There is typically an arbitrary ‘Usual and customary rate.’ The insurance company can choose to reimburse the therapist as little as $30 for a session or if they are generous, they might pay the therapist more. They decide the therapist’s worth.

2) Your information is not always confidential

When you use your health insurance, ask the insurance company exactly what type of information will be collected from your therapist. Usually your insurance company will want to know when you came to session, what type of session you were in (couples, family or individual) and how long the session was (30 minutes, 45 minutes, 50 minutes or more).

Other insurance companies want a treatment plan (a specific written down plan of what goals you’ll be working on in session and how long it’ll take to complete the goals). Sometimes they want to know how exactly the therapist plans to help you reach your goal.

Still, some other insurance companies ask for more specific information about your sessions. Some might at some point ask to see the therapist’s notes or perhaps their initial assessment note. To protect your privacy, ensure that you have a good understanding of the information that is passed between the therapist and the insurance company, so that only what you’re comfortable with gets shared.

3) Your insurance company typically requires a diagnosis

Most insurance companies require a mental health diagnosis before they can pay for your sessions. This means your therapist has to diagnose you with a mental health condition in order for the services to be paid for. As a consumer of services you can ask your therapist, psychologist or counselor what he or she has diagnosed you with. Sometimes your diagnosis changes as you work longer with your therapist. These are all discussions that you can have with your therapist.

Some insurance companies will only pay for ‘Mild’ diagnoses, while others only pay for ‘Moderate to severe’ diagnoses. This mental health diagnosis becomes a part of your permanent record, so it’s important that you remain informed about this so that it doesn't affect you in the future.

Some people choose not to go the insurance route because they do not want to have a diagnosis on their record because of the nature of the work they do or because of work they might do in the future. Others choose not to have a diagnosis for other personal reasons. Neither is wrong or right. You pick which works for you.

4) They determine the type and number of sessions

Your insurance company usually decides how many sessions you need, the types of sessions you can utilize, as well as how long these sessions are. For example. they can decide that you only get 6 45-minute sessions. Now some insurance companies are flexible and if the therapist is able to put in a good justification for additional services, they’ll cover it. And with other insurance companies, you simply get what you get.

Some insurance companies are very generous and they’ll pay for 6 months, 1 year or even many years worth of therapy. The struggle with this is that the insurance company often has the power over what your treatment could look like. It’s important to be informed about how many sessions you can have so that your mental health care isn’t abruptly cut short.

5) Your therapist’s job doesn't stop after your session is over

When you use your insurance to cover therapy sessions, typically your therapist is spending time on the phone with your insurance company, sometimes going back and forth with them. Sometimes faxes are sent back and forth and additional paperwork has to be sent. So when you go into session, your therapist most definitely spends much more time than the 30 to 60 minutes you spend sitting in their office. However, insurance companies only pay therapists for the face to face time they spend with you.

6) Insurance doesn’t always pay for tele therapy or couples therapy

As life gets busy, some people prefer online therapy. And if you live in the Temecula area, you know that traffic gets a lot heavier at certain times of the morning and evening. To prevent sitting in traffic, many people prefer online therapy or counseling. As a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, my license allows me to see clients all over California. So you can sit in your home in Orange County or Los Angeles, log in to my online portal from your phone, tablet or laptop and participate in therapy from the comfort of your home or office. Some people even sit in their parked car and log into their counseling session.

Well, it’s important to first check with your insurance company. More and more insurance panels understand the benefits of online or distance therapy- especially in large cities in California. But some have still not moved with the times. Some will only cover phone sessions, while others only cover sessions when you drive to the therapist’s office.

Another type of therapy that is often not covered by insurance is couples or marriage counseling. Although the divorce rates are sky rocketing each day and more and more couples are open to speaking to a therapist to improve their relationship, not all insurance companies are willing to cover couples therapy. It’ll be important to check with your insurance company to see if they will be willing to help you out with the cost of therapy.

Are there any of the above points that took you by surprise? Comment below.

And if you’re ready to get rid of your anxiety or insomnia or begin marriage counseling in Murrieta, click here for your free 15-minute consultation call. I also provide therapy services online for people who live throughout California.

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