Letter to the invisible, strong woman

You are the one who carries your entire family on your back. You wake up before everyone else, you ensure that everything is in place for your family.

You have tons of hopes and dreams, but you often put them aside to ensure that everyone else is well taken care of. But deep inside, you are tired of being the strong woman. You are tired of having to plaster a smile on your face every day. You struggle secretly, and no one around you knows.

You feel lonely. The people around you have no clue what you’re going through because you are the designated strong woman. You are the trouble shooter and the official problem solver. You’re the go to woman who holds everyone’s emotions in your hands.

You would love to have a day set aside where you can just plop yourself on the bed and sleep all day. You’d love it if people checked up on you as well- rather than assuming that all is well with you.

So, strong woman, here’s how you can move from invisible superhero to seen and human.

Allow people to see your humanity

Because you’re so used to being the go to person, chances are your loved ones don’t notice when you’re down. Here’s where vulnerability comes in. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or upset, tell someone you trust. I say this over and over again to my therapy clients. If people aren’t used to seeing that side of you, they’ll assume that you’re always fine- thereby perpetuating the cycle that your needs should go unmet. When I work with clients in may therapy office in Murrieta, this is a big part of our work- feeling comforting with vulnerability.

Ask your loved ones for help

When you are the super competent, responsible person, everyone around you assumes that you can handle everything. Know your limits and be willing to ask others to help you. This is another big part of my therapy or counseling process. This prevents burn out and the endless feeling of disappointment that comes when no one offers to help you out.

Asking for help could seem very difficult- after all you’re used to handling it all on your own. But its time, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief when you learn to delegate or outsource.

Start saying “No.”

It’s important to accept that you are not superwoman. And that’s not a bad thing. Although you are the go to person and you’re also very competent, please know that rest is just as productive as work. Sometimes you have to say “No” to others when they are asking for your assistance- so that you can invest more time in rest.

The truth is that when you are the super responsible person, people who could be competent, begin to slack off because they know you will take care of things for them. But when you begin a new pattern of encouraging others to take care of responsibilities themselves, you actually will have more time to focus on tasks that are important to you.

Talk to a therapist or counselor

Assertiveness practice is such a key part of my counseling practice in Murrieta. If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of invisibility and in the superwoman role, maybe it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. As a Black or African American therapist in Murrieta, CA, I help women who identify as the responsible ones, learn how to communicate their needs, get their needs met and also be seen as human and fallible.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can finally be seen and heard.

Finding understanding with difficult family members and loved ones

Being the odd one out within a family can be hard.

You try your best to blend in, but it always feels like a punch in the gut when you are reminded that you are different. You keep your opinions to yourself, but once in a while, your true self comes peeking through.

Unfortunately, your true self isn’t celebrated.

You feel like you are being pigeon holed. But you know that you don’t belong in a box. You want to be yourself and express yourself in your own unique way. Here are 4 ways to possibly find understanding from difficult family members.

1) Get realistic about what type of relationship you can have with family members

When you are the different one within your family, finding acceptance could feel like a losing game. You try really hard, but they still reject or misunderstand you. Take a moment to ask yourself what you want from that relationship. Are your wants actually realistic or would your entire family have to change who they are in order for you to get what you want?

Let go of the idea that you will be fully embraced by everyone. Chances are your entire family probably won’t change at once, so maybe you can change what you expect from them.

Your family and loved ones don’t have to share the same interests and hobbies as you. It’s even possible that they don’t completely understand you.

Accept that and move forward. Find commonalities if you can.

2) Stop arguing with family members

When you seek acceptance from others, sometimes you can get sucked into the trap of arguing back and forth with them. Sometimes we try to force others to understand our point of view.

It does you no good to try to force people to understand you.

As long as you understand your own values and your worth, it no longer will be so important for others to truly embrace your values.

Avoid hot button topics that trigger the unwelcome opinions of your family and loved ones. Stick to neutral topics, and that way your visits with them will be so much more pleasant.

In my therapy practice in Murrieta, CA, I teach my clients how to respond assertively, while navigating difficult family dynamics.

3) Validate yourself

No matter how strong or opinionated you are, it is definitely painful to not be accepted by the ones you love. Take some time to grieve the relationships that were lost and the strained relationships. Find people who see you and get you. Sometimes your friends can feel so much more comforting than your own family members.

Not all family has to be related to you by blood. Sometimes friends become like family.

Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by the opinions of others. Even if you are the odd one in the family, you are still deserving of love and acceptance.

Remind yourself of that when times get hard. If you struggle with this, counseling in Temecula can help.

4) Create healthy boundaries

Keeping healthy boundaries is the best way to survive a difficult or toxic family dynamic. The positive part is that you decide what boundaries to set.

If you are in the presence of a very contentious family member, keep conversations short, polite and to the point.

You also do not have to pick up every single phone call or respond to text messages immediately. When a text comes in, take a moment and think through it before responding.

Focus on 2 or 3 conversation topics and don’t accept the invite to debate on hot button topics. Know what occasions and family gatherings to skip.

If you do decide to attend family gatherings, know that you have the option of a short visit. Don’t punish yourself by showing up early and leaving late.

Although you don’t get to choose your family, you can decide how to maneuver your relationships so that you’re not feeling dreadful every time you interact with them.

If you are a woman in the Murrieta/Temecula area who is feeling tired and hurt by the rejection from a toxic family, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call, so you can learn how to manage anxiety, speak up for yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women find their voice, manage difficult relationships and learn how to show up authentically.

As a counselor in California, I see clients throughout California through my HIPAA compliant online office.