Dear Superwoman: It’s Time to Take Off the Cape – How to Ask for Help Like a Pro

When you are a highly responsible or goal oriented woman, it is easy to do everything yourself. After all, you've always been successful at everything you’ve laid your hands on, so why on earth do you need to ask anybody for help?

As a therapist in Temecula, I know that asking for help is important because it is a great way to connect with your spouse. Being overly independent can quickly become a problem in a marriage if you live your life like you're an island on to yourself. Being overly independent can lead to your spouse feeling disengaged from you.

If you have ever wanted to break away from the struggle of being overly independent, here are some tips for you:

Get to the bottom of why it is difficult for you to ask for help

By the way, being independent is not a bad thing, but having a really difficult time asking for help when you really need it could really be a struggle. Behind every highly independent woman are some emotional hurts (or perhaps, an upbringing) that led her to become this way.

Here’s an exercise I have my clients go through during our counseling sessions in Temecula. Sit back and dig into your mind. Ask yourself how you became super independent. Perhaps when you were growing up, your caregivers encouraged you to be heavily independent. Or perhaps they really encouraged you to check things off lists and achieve a lot. Or maybe you just receive a lot of inner joy and affirmation when you did things yourself.

Remember that asking for help is not a bad thing

Remind yourself that inter-dependency (not independence) is healthy for a marriage relationship. Interdependence simply means that both partners are independent, but they choose to lean on each other when they need help.

They can do things by themselves and for themselves, however they choose to share the world with each other in a healthy way. So it is important to tell yourself this so that you get more comfortable with opening up to your partner.

Start with asking for help with the small things

I get it. Asking your husband for help on the huge projects could feel close to impossible. So why not just start small? Ask him to help you with simple things like picking up the dry cleaning or dropping the kids off at school or making that sandwich that you just don't want to make.

It is easier to start with the small things and then slowly graduate to much larger tasks. Each time you ask him for help, check in with yourself to see how it feels. At first it might feel oddly uncomfortable, but sit with that feeling and it will soon pass.

Have daily conversations with your spouse to invite him into your life

When you are very independent, it is easy to get sucked into your own world and completely forget that your spouse exists. So to combat this, once a week, or maybe at the end of day, have a short, connecting conversation with your spouse. This is another intervention I use when counseling in Murrieta.

Ask him how his day went, and also invite him into your own world. Talk to him about what's going on in your day, what’s going on with the kids, the new updates at work and what has been happening in your mind. That way he gets to understand your internal struggles. It’s okay for your spouse to see you as a human with real struggles and joys.

Try giving yourself a deadline before you ask for help

Because you are naturally a very independent person, you probably spend a lot of time hitting your head on a wall before reaching out for support.

So give yourself a deadline. Perhaps you can say “If I am still struggling after 1 week, I will ask for help.” Although asking for help can be a struggle, practice makes it easier.

There you have it. If you struggle with being super independent, and you want to learn how to let your husband into your internal world, schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. It is totally possible to live interdependently with your husband.

As a Black therapist in Temecula, it is my joy to help goal oriented women find deeper connection. I provide therapy to clients in Murrieta, Temecula, San Diego, Los Angeles and throughout California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

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